Controlling behavior during detachment
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Controlling behavior during detachment
This weekend, I experienced a bit of an attitude shift regarding my AH and I think it helped me detach a bit more effectively. I was struggling w the after effects of a difficult night with my AH. I reached out to a friend via email and he answered in full counselor mode. He said that I would undoubtedly be looking forward to work that day (I was), and that he hoped that my students would be able to lift my spirits, since children can often tell when someone is feeling down and will usually respond sympathetically. Would you believe that 3 students told me that they loved me that first hour? "I love you's" are not usually shared in my classroom, so I was amazed. I later thanked my friend and attributed this to my HP.
I now feel a bit more detached and things my AH say to me haven't bothered me as much this weekend. I even managed to escape for an evening, coming home after AH was unconscious. I feel more focused and have come to the realization that my future is up to me. I think I have been waiting for H to push the boundaries so that I can use it as a legitimate excuse to m some changes. Now I am not so concerned with what he does; I am concentrating on what I need/want to do.
The oddest thing started happening after I came to these realizations; AH started to act in a super controlling manner. He has been dictating my every move for the last two days.This evening he even unplugged the modem because he said that I needed "guidance" from him. Tomorrow should be a real hoot as my new (to me) car will be delivered. Should be interesting.
I now feel a bit more detached and things my AH say to me haven't bothered me as much this weekend. I even managed to escape for an evening, coming home after AH was unconscious. I feel more focused and have come to the realization that my future is up to me. I think I have been waiting for H to push the boundaries so that I can use it as a legitimate excuse to m some changes. Now I am not so concerned with what he does; I am concentrating on what I need/want to do.
The oddest thing started happening after I came to these realizations; AH started to act in a super controlling manner. He has been dictating my every move for the last two days.This evening he even unplugged the modem because he said that I needed "guidance" from him. Tomorrow should be a real hoot as my new (to me) car will be delivered. Should be interesting.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Yurt, I am so glad to hear that you are beginning to recognize that you do not need anyone's permission to take care of yourself. You are just as legitimate as anyone else on this planet. We are all created equal....
I would say that your husband is more than "super controlling"---I would say that he has crossed over the line into abusing. This amount of control is abuse.
Controlling behavior, over a period of time can become normalized to the victim that it is not recognized for what it is.
You certainly do not deserve this.
dandylion
I would say that your husband is more than "super controlling"---I would say that he has crossed over the line into abusing. This amount of control is abuse.
Controlling behavior, over a period of time can become normalized to the victim that it is not recognized for what it is.
You certainly do not deserve this.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Seconding dandylion--this sounds kind of frightening and bizarre to me. I get the impression that you live in a somewhat isolated area--is that right? If so, maybe give some serious thought to your own safety (I guess give some thought to that anyway, but it might be even more important if you are miles from anywhere and have no neighbors).
He said you needed "guidance"? That just sounds weird to me, beyond the usual quacking. I have no experience in this area, hope someone who does comes by to comment.
He said you needed "guidance"? That just sounds weird to me, beyond the usual quacking. I have no experience in this area, hope someone who does comes by to comment.
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Yes, we are in a pretty rural area, however, I also have some terrific friends that I can reach out to if I need to. AH hs never shown any physical aggression towards me, (other than knocking me down once) so I don't worry about my physical safety. I also have neighbors within walking distance.
I did find the guidance comment weirder than normal as well. I just sat up in bed, asked why he felt the need to be so controlling, and hooked up the modem again. He quacked a bunch more and then finally went to sleep.
I did find the guidance comment weirder than normal as well. I just sat up in bed, asked why he felt the need to be so controlling, and hooked up the modem again. He quacked a bunch more and then finally went to sleep.
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Be safe, Yurt. I, too, am a bit bothered by his comment. It strikes me as a veiled threat or at the least, a warning that he doesn't like something you are doing.
Keep your eyes wide open and possibly consider having an exit strategy in place if things were to go from bad to worse in short order. Alcoholics can be dangerous when out of control.
~T
Keep your eyes wide open and possibly consider having an exit strategy in place if things were to go from bad to worse in short order. Alcoholics can be dangerous when out of control.
~T
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Take care, Yurt. And also, enjoy your new car!
What he said might be alarming, but it also might be just quacking. You are doing great. It is almost funny how they start acting like donkeys once they feel they cannot control anymore.
What he said might be alarming, but it also might be just quacking. You are doing great. It is almost funny how they start acting like donkeys once they feel they cannot control anymore.
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Well the car arrived, and Karma is wonderful. The woman that AH was so horrible to over the phone, registered the car in my name only. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
AH never did put me on the savings account that he opened, so this may just stay in my name.
AH never did put me on the savings account that he opened, so this may just stay in my name.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
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Originally Posted by Yurt 
Yes, we are in a pretty rural area, however, I also have some terrific friends that I can reach out to if I need to. AH hs never shown any physical aggression towards me, (other than knocking me down once) so I don't worry about my physical safety. I also have neighbors within walking distance.
I did find the guidance comment weirder than normal as well. I just sat up in bed, asked why he felt the need to be so controlling, and hooked up the modem again. He quacked a bunch more and then finally went to sleep.
I did find the guidance comment weirder than normal as well. I just sat up in bed, asked why he felt the need to be so controlling, and hooked up the modem again. He quacked a bunch more and then finally went to sleep.
That's how XABF started with me. And it only ever happens once, until the second time. He was drunk and shoved me and I fell over. It eventually escalated to him holding a pillow down over my face. Having neighbours is no guarantee of safety. I screamed all night from XABF's abuse in a flat in an apartment block with thin walls. EVERYONE would have heard me. That's why he put a pillow over my face. No one called the police. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, I'm just saying I didn't think it would happen to me either. If you never need the planning then you've lost nothing. If he's done it once he is capable of doing it again. Sorry to be so negative.
On the positive side, the realisations you've been coming to are fantastic, I'm so pleased for you that you can start thinking about how you want to live your life rather than waiting for your AH to make the move to kick it off
And awesome about the car 
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The "guidance" part has me laughing.
How can you resist putting an index finger on your cheek, getting big-eyed, tilting your head a little and saying -- "Wow! Thanks! I so love it when you have helpful advice!" I mean all kind of sincere like. Once he gets started, maybe pull out a note pad, and every now and then pausing and going "umm-hmmm, oh, now that's a good idea."
How can you resist putting an index finger on your cheek, getting big-eyed, tilting your head a little and saying -- "Wow! Thanks! I so love it when you have helpful advice!" I mean all kind of sincere like. Once he gets started, maybe pull out a note pad, and every now and then pausing and going "umm-hmmm, oh, now that's a good idea."
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things my AH say to me haven't bothered me as much this weekend. I even managed to escape for an evening, coming home after AH was unconscious.
The oddest thing started happening after I came to these realizations; AH started to act in a super controlling manner. He has been dictating my every move for the last two days.This evening he even unplugged the modem because he said that I needed "guidance" from him.
AH hs never shown any physical aggression towards me, (other than knocking me down once) so I don't worry about my physical safety.
AH never did put me on the savings account that he opened, so this may just stay in my name.
Yurt, these are signals, red flags, that say abuse to me. He is certainly emotionally abusing you. Knocking you down means that he already has broken the boundary of physical violence.
In the stickies, English Garden wrote a profoundly enlightening post about "What Is Abuse"; my story is in it. I left my marriage of 20 years a year ago in July and finally, with the help of SR, was able to understand the severe level of abuse I had suffered.
I reread your threads, and like me, I think that these small individual acts of emotional and verbal abuse and terribly controlling behavior still seem to you like disconnected separate actions. What I learned from the support here on SR was that I was missing the overall pattern and I couldn't see how bad his abuse was, or how deeply I had sunk into compliance with his demands, his control, his total domination of me and my life.
You might want to read some of my earlier threads and see what resonates - I got some incredible insights from SR people posted in response to my situation.
Don't take this lightly. It's much worse than you are realizing.
ShootingStar1
The oddest thing started happening after I came to these realizations; AH started to act in a super controlling manner. He has been dictating my every move for the last two days.This evening he even unplugged the modem because he said that I needed "guidance" from him.
AH hs never shown any physical aggression towards me, (other than knocking me down once) so I don't worry about my physical safety.
AH never did put me on the savings account that he opened, so this may just stay in my name.
Yurt, these are signals, red flags, that say abuse to me. He is certainly emotionally abusing you. Knocking you down means that he already has broken the boundary of physical violence.
In the stickies, English Garden wrote a profoundly enlightening post about "What Is Abuse"; my story is in it. I left my marriage of 20 years a year ago in July and finally, with the help of SR, was able to understand the severe level of abuse I had suffered.
I reread your threads, and like me, I think that these small individual acts of emotional and verbal abuse and terribly controlling behavior still seem to you like disconnected separate actions. What I learned from the support here on SR was that I was missing the overall pattern and I couldn't see how bad his abuse was, or how deeply I had sunk into compliance with his demands, his control, his total domination of me and my life.
You might want to read some of my earlier threads and see what resonates - I got some incredible insights from SR people posted in response to my situation.
Don't take this lightly. It's much worse than you are realizing.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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When an A senses you are gaining self-esteem and confidence, they will start attacking it like feral dogs on a bone. He isn't done trying to manipulate you and steer you back to his comfort zone. I agree with the other posters re: abuse. He has shown that he is capable of physical abuse. I was with my ex for five years before he threw something at me. But those five years were filled with emotional abuse. I didn't stick around to see what else he had in store for me. Take care of yourself.
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Hammer, if I even did this playfully, it would be about as much fun as Al Gpore at a Tea Party meeting. Don't want those storm clouds on my horizon, thank you. The few times that I have forgotten myself and resorted to sarcasm in recent months have not been pretty.
Shooting Star, I am settling down to read your story now. I am hoping to find some insight as my path may be somewhat parallel to yours.
Thanks to all that are expressing concern. The evening was spent listening to him rant about the car deal, his brother, the neighbors, and every comment was laced with profanity. Yet, I was chastized for not participating in the "conversation." Definitely amped up a notch!
Shooting Star, I am settling down to read your story now. I am hoping to find some insight as my path may be somewhat parallel to yours.
Thanks to all that are expressing concern. The evening was spent listening to him rant about the car deal, his brother, the neighbors, and every comment was laced with profanity. Yet, I was chastized for not participating in the "conversation." Definitely amped up a notch!
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