My worst fear is happening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
My worst fear is happening.
My husband started drinking (heavily)almost immediately after we were married. In fact I spent our wedding reception pretty much alone because he was going from table to table drinking with our guests. Our honeymoon was pretty much the same, him drinking any chance he had.
During our marriage he would stop and start back up with... as you know drinking more when he went back to it.
I've 2 DD who from the time they could walk, talk, and understand I would tell them how much Daddy loves them, when he is grumpy its the alcohol, its not you .. blah blah blah.
The oldest he but heads with a lot because she doesn't put up with him much. When he gets to drinking she now avoids him but before, she would challenge him and everything he said that she felt was rude. The younger just didn't buy into his antagonizing ways, she would be respectful to him, even though she doesn't respect him.
He is away this weekend and the 3 of us have had time to really talk. We always have been open with each other and honest but, lately things are getting strangely worse. I can't explain it. Until I came here I would have never understood but reading has turned the light bulb on for me. The fact that it has been hammered into my head by reading here that "it's a progressive disease". Helps me to understand why it is "strangely worse". Because he keeps moving forward.
It was just wine, that turned into beer that has a stronger percentage of alcohol, now its the hidden brandy or tequila in the garage. Wow. I would not ever imagine that in my life. Anyway....
My youngest said to me today : " Me and ------- feels so bad, mom we are going to be moving out someday and you will be stuck here with him."
I was taken aback and tried to act strong
"Thank you , for loving me so much. I don't want for you to worry about me. I'm going to be okay. Your job is not to worry about me but to be teens and enjoy your life. Your not supposed worry about me I don't need to be taken care of . I promise it's all okay."
She at this point begins to cry:
"Mom, he is mean to you, he doesn't deserve you at all".
So I asked, What do you see that worries you? He doesn't hit me, He doesn't threaten me.. explain to me what you are worried about".
He is just a **** we don't like the way he treats you. He doesn't listen when you talk, he doesn't care if you ask him not to drink lets say, before you go out to dinner, he just doesn't care. I don't want to leave you here alone with him .
Because she was having a "grown-up" conversation (17) I responded like I would if it were my sister or mom:
"This was my worse fear. I never wanted either on of you to worry about me. Ever. That is why I don't respond anymore to any of what he does. I try to just ignore it. You don't need to see me beating my head against the wall because at this point it will not change. I need to get things settled. I need to take care of you girls, and then, then we will see what happens. I am part of a "support group" online (you guys) and will soon look for a F2F . For now; have fun enjoy your life. Remember my job is to take care of you, not you me."
Guys: I feel like crap. I feel as if I've failed my children. My MIL made her daughter her "keeper" and she still is her "keeper" it is sickening and unhealthy. What can I do?
During our marriage he would stop and start back up with... as you know drinking more when he went back to it.
I've 2 DD who from the time they could walk, talk, and understand I would tell them how much Daddy loves them, when he is grumpy its the alcohol, its not you .. blah blah blah.
The oldest he but heads with a lot because she doesn't put up with him much. When he gets to drinking she now avoids him but before, she would challenge him and everything he said that she felt was rude. The younger just didn't buy into his antagonizing ways, she would be respectful to him, even though she doesn't respect him.
He is away this weekend and the 3 of us have had time to really talk. We always have been open with each other and honest but, lately things are getting strangely worse. I can't explain it. Until I came here I would have never understood but reading has turned the light bulb on for me. The fact that it has been hammered into my head by reading here that "it's a progressive disease". Helps me to understand why it is "strangely worse". Because he keeps moving forward.
It was just wine, that turned into beer that has a stronger percentage of alcohol, now its the hidden brandy or tequila in the garage. Wow. I would not ever imagine that in my life. Anyway....
My youngest said to me today : " Me and ------- feels so bad, mom we are going to be moving out someday and you will be stuck here with him."
I was taken aback and tried to act strong
"Thank you , for loving me so much. I don't want for you to worry about me. I'm going to be okay. Your job is not to worry about me but to be teens and enjoy your life. Your not supposed worry about me I don't need to be taken care of . I promise it's all okay."
She at this point begins to cry:
"Mom, he is mean to you, he doesn't deserve you at all".
So I asked, What do you see that worries you? He doesn't hit me, He doesn't threaten me.. explain to me what you are worried about".
He is just a **** we don't like the way he treats you. He doesn't listen when you talk, he doesn't care if you ask him not to drink lets say, before you go out to dinner, he just doesn't care. I don't want to leave you here alone with him .
Because she was having a "grown-up" conversation (17) I responded like I would if it were my sister or mom:
"This was my worse fear. I never wanted either on of you to worry about me. Ever. That is why I don't respond anymore to any of what he does. I try to just ignore it. You don't need to see me beating my head against the wall because at this point it will not change. I need to get things settled. I need to take care of you girls, and then, then we will see what happens. I am part of a "support group" online (you guys) and will soon look for a F2F . For now; have fun enjoy your life. Remember my job is to take care of you, not you me."
Guys: I feel like crap. I feel as if I've failed my children. My MIL made her daughter her "keeper" and she still is her "keeper" it is sickening and unhealthy. What can I do?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Do the best you can for you.
You havent failed your children . On the contrary they sound very clear headed.
They worry about their mother and dont agree with their fathers lifestyle. Want to move out. Have learned to detach. Honestly given the circumstances they sound wonderful.
Be proud and then take this as a sign that YOU are not the problem and YOU can do anything to improve your life.
You havent failed your children . On the contrary they sound very clear headed.
They worry about their mother and dont agree with their fathers lifestyle. Want to move out. Have learned to detach. Honestly given the circumstances they sound wonderful.
Be proud and then take this as a sign that YOU are not the problem and YOU can do anything to improve your life.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
It's natural and healthy for loved ones to worry about one another when they think they are hurting, in pain, or a bad situation. I think it is also natural to want to put the best face on problems to try to protect our kids. However, sometimes there are enormous benefits from openly confronting problems in order to solve them - but can be very scary.
When my father was drinking, I oddly lacked concern about what either of my parents was feeling. It wasn't until my mom started setting boundaries and forcing them to both start dealing with the problems that I really started to realize how wrong things were and care about what they were going through. It has worked out very well and me and my parents are very close now.
When my father was drinking, I oddly lacked concern about what either of my parents was feeling. It wasn't until my mom started setting boundaries and forcing them to both start dealing with the problems that I really started to realize how wrong things were and care about what they were going through. It has worked out very well and me and my parents are very close now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Does not seem to me you have failed them – I would be proud of them if they were mine.
They are right you know, why put of with it?
Be strong and make them proud – it sounds like a fine couple of daughters you have.
They are right you know, why put of with it?
Be strong and make them proud – it sounds like a fine couple of daughters you have.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hisimage, you ask: "What can I do?" If you listen, carefully, to your girls, I think they are telling you what you can do"
From the mouths of children.
The first step might be alanon for you and alateen for them.
Try as we might--none of us can turn back history. The past cannot be undone--we can grow very old while we are waiting for history to change.
We can change the future, however--starting with the present.
dandylion
From the mouths of children.
The first step might be alanon for you and alateen for them.
Try as we might--none of us can turn back history. The past cannot be undone--we can grow very old while we are waiting for history to change.
We can change the future, however--starting with the present.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
I have a friend that was heavily involved in ala-teen due to her mother's alcoholism. I would have to say that she is one of the most put together people I know. She has carried that forward in her life with her family and they all very admirable people.
I wish I had gone with her - it might have made a big difference in my life.
You should be proud of your girls - they sound very caring and level headed!!
I wish I had gone with her - it might have made a big difference in my life.
You should be proud of your girls - they sound very caring and level headed!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I hope that anyone who is worried about leaving their A b/c of fear of somehow ruining their kids' lives or embarassing them would read your post, hisimage. Clearly your girls are noticing things you didn't think they would see, and I suspect it's the same in other households. People think they are keeping the truth from their kids, and the kids are waaaay ahead of the game, not fooled for a minute.
As another poster mentioned, this is a chance for you to be a role model for them, to show them what self-respect and courage looks like. You can do it.
Please don't put off Alanon any longer, and as others suggested, look into Alateen for them, too.
As another poster mentioned, this is a chance for you to be a role model for them, to show them what self-respect and courage looks like. You can do it.
Please don't put off Alanon any longer, and as others suggested, look into Alateen for them, too.
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