SoloMio

I know this is a common thing in alcoholic families, but honestly, my family has dodged a lot of bullets--my AH can be narcissistic, opinionated, egotistical, but somehow that has translated into love for his children. We honestly have had NO TROUBLE in the love department, and for that I feel truly blessed. We are a very close-knit family.

BUT all good things must come to an end.. DS35 just got married for the first time a couple of months ago, and his wife's pregnancy predated their wedding by a few weeks. So what. And they only started dating in April. So what.

But because this doesn't fit neatly into AH's narrative of how life should be (and what a hypocrite he is to even think those thoughts), he's only focused on the unimportant things like "what will people think?" He feels he has to "fix" things for DS. Meanwhile, DS is fine--he's happy, he's excited, and by the way in his whole life he hasn't fit into anyone's pigeonhole and that's exactly what I love about him.

DS/AH had an argument tonight when DS came to pick up some things from our garage to move into his new apartment. It started with DS expressing simply how hurt he was that AH spoke publicly (i.e., to his wife's family) how he disapproves of the marriage. AH couldn't let it go at that--he added fuel to the fire, and DS finally told AH, "I love you, I'm not mad, but I don't need your help moving tomorrow, spreading all this negative stuff around when I'm feeling happy."

He said it so beautifully, but I'm so concerned that he's really hurt, and really sad--and what's a mother to do??

When AH pointed his finger at me and said sarcastically, "Thanks for supporting me" I told him that there's no way I'm supporting him because he's sabotaging his relationship with his son.. and that the best thing he could do is give DS HIS support. Now I'm just angry at the way he talked to my son, and I feel bad.

I know I can't fix it. But it's a bummer, and I just had to vent.

wolfpackfan45

My husband isn't an alcoholic, but he's acted like a dry drunk for 20 years. He's done things like this to me and my grown children too. His way is the only way. If you don't agree with him and how he thinks things should be done, you're an idiot. He has embarrassed us often with his actions and words. My AS is 22 and he spent a year of his life drinking himself into misery because he was afraid to tell his dad he didn't like his major in college. He only picked it to make his dad happy. He finally wised up, got sober, and told his dad he was dropping it and studying something else. I'm in counseling to try to help with the damage done to me from his controlling over the years. I know how you feel.

SoloMio

Thanks,wolfpackfan45. Yes one of the things DS said to AH was "This is the FIRST time I've really felt your disapproval, and it hurts." Now that's saying a lot, because DS was a handful--but in the end, he wound up with a great job and he just graduated with a law degree after dropping out of high school, and this is the stumbling block.

When we parents must disapprove of our children, man, we have to do it so judiciously. There is nothing worse than feeling our parents don't have our backs. And in this case, DS's quick marriage and fatherhood is such a stupid place to cash in disapproval chips.

I'm so glad your son got the message that being yourself is the best revenge. I wish your family well.

ShootingStar1

In the end, it will be your AH's loss because it will be terribly hard for him to repair the damage he's caused with his son and his son's wife and family.

From my experience with my now XAH, who was step-dad to my kids for many years, he insulted my son's new wife and they saw us infrequently as a result. Now that I am divorced and my son can see me without my XAH, my son has cut him totally out of his life. My XAH will never see my son's twins.

I'd suggest making your own relationship with your son and his new wife, and, if they don't want to see your AH, go anyway on your own.

ShootingStar1

SoloMio

It was terribly difficult watching that train wreck in motion. Thank you for sharing your experience, ShootingStar.

hisimage48

Solo--

Bless you for supporting your dil. Yes daughter in law, of course you will support you DS but to stand for her that way, wow!!

I am still not speaking to my AH from an argument we had Thursday eve . (it helps he left for business friday, but still) My daughter, AH and I were in the kitchen discussing some family matter about my niece. My DD said something he didn't agree with but I did and I voiced that. It wasn't even a big deal, I don't even remember what. But, it turned into a large argument. He had been "secretly" drinking.

He.. pointed his finger and said: "whose side are you on??"

"no side, there is no side, what are you talking about?"

" Yes, there is my side and you wait... just wait you will see!"

That was it. I don't know if he is the same as your A, but I'm telling you he truly believes there must be a side. I think I've figured out why.

I am wondering if because he drinks himself into a place where nobody wants to be around his already big personality, he feels alone because he knows that he has cornered himself off from everyone. He believes in that mind of his that everyone is against him.

In reality, whether it be buried deep and he doesn't know or, he knows and wont admit it. There were sides in this home growing up. But now it is Him and his alcohol, and us and .... us.

I know I'm not supposed to be trying to figure him out, trust me I'm not. It's just a realization I had since I had time to think with him being gone.

Be well,

By the way, thank you again for your love and support for your new dil. Can you tell who had this happen to them and was not accepted?

Sueski

Hisimage, thank you for that insight. My AH does the same thing, and it drives me crazy. It might be helpful to have that in mind while this crazy-making stuff is going on.

Solomio, no advice but best of luck to you. And congratulations on becoming a grandma!

SoloMio

Yes, AH also has the "you're with me or against me" mentality. It turns every simple discussion into a power struggle. He is extremely difficult to compromise with because it's his way or the highway.

And AH also fits that big personality, and the persecution thing--it seems like his mantra is "Why am I always the Bad Guy?"

Thanks for the support!

SoloMio

So today was the day that we were supposedly going to help DS35 move in to his new apartment. DS said clearly that he'd rather AH not come--that he was very hurt by what AH said last night. I dont' blame him. Even today, AH's attitude was so what--I say what I say and if you don't like it, too bad.

I asked DS and DIL if I could help and kept the "lines" open all day (texting, email etc.). DIL was cleaning the new place with her mom. DS was going back and forth in a truck moving their stuff.

I got a hold of DIL, and she was very kind and said all was under control and when they get settled they'll have us over for dinner, and then she said that they had just moved a new wine holder into the place--it was from one of DS's best friend's mothers, and she said, "We were laughing because it's the only wedding gift we got."

She didn't say it with any snark or sarcasm. DH and I did pay for the small "after party" after the wedding, but it's true that my kids (the other three) and her siblings (3 as well) haven't done anything. I'm sure that hurts.

It made me feel bad for them. If they had had a traditional wedding, things would have been different.

My question here (after the long preamble) is where do a mother's loyalties lie? I said to AH that he hadn't been asked to help because his son was hurt by his comments and AH's response was "Don't come between me and my son." But no remorse, no apologies.

I am not interested in taking sides. I simply want to support my son. Recently a saw for a second time On Golden Pond and when Jane Fonda calls her dad an "old coot" her mother promptly slaps her in the face saying "That old coot happens to be my husband." But I just don't feel like Katharine Hepburn, willing to slap my son in the face because his father is "an old coot."

How not to make matters worse? How not to take sides? How to be the peacemaker and the loving wife and the loving mom, when the alcoholism is ripping through everything?

Any thoughts?

SoloMio

So, not to beat a dead horse, but actually I got quite confrontational tonight, and threw a few zingers at AH, pointing out the hypocrisy of his case against DS.

I felt really bad about it because it was really straight to the heart. And still I feel a little bad.

But then I remembered that his justification for hurting his son was that it was "the truth." His truth--not necessary THE truth.

So, then I considered that what I said to him was also the truth-MY truth. If it hurt, perhaps it was a dose of his own medicine. So he can deal with it.

I just can't get past how superficial and hypocriticall he is being about this. It's all about his own stuff, and his own projections about how other people think. And he says he hasn't gossiped about DS35 (which was DS's big complaint), but just this morning he was on the phone with DS33 just bashing DS35. Not fair! This is high school stuff! Not father/son stuff!

Again, this is not major stuff--but I just really have to vent. I'm still reeling from our argument.

hisimage48

Oh!! the bad guy speech. I don't know about yours, but mine acts as if I let my kids do whatever they want. sheesh,

NO-- just bein a mom!

hisimage48

Solo,

Gosh, I feel your pain. I'm waiting for my AH to come home from his weekend, because I have a feeling this will be brought up, again.

My heart is pounding thinking about it, but I think I might just give my little light bulb moment response and say something to the effect of:

"You are painting yourself into a corner when you make those comments. If one of the girls said something like that to you I'd come back at them. You are choosing to continue drinking and spouting what you want, even though you know it's creating bitterness. I think that is why you are feeling sides are being taken. Because you don't want to join us, and support and love the way we do."

I don't know, we will see what happens. But, I will for sure be keeping you in my thoughts.

SoloMio

Thank you, hisimage48.

I really want to say to Ah, "The truth hurts, doesn't it?" The hurt he inflected on DS is OK, but the hurt he was the victim of is a whole different thing.

I'll keep my mouth shut. He made dinner, we ate in silence. I don't know where it goes from here.

wolfpackfan45

I don't feel that by helping your son and daughter in law move you were taking sides.You told him the truth about why he wasn't asked to come and how his comments hurt his son. You did nothing wrong and you're not taking sides. I feel you've handled it quite well and your husband seems to be the one who is damaging his relationship with his son, not you. I agree with ShootingStar that you should maintain a relationship with your son and DIL whether he's involved or not. The problem lies in his behavior, not yours.

Santa

My exAH did/does the same thing. It's all part of the alcoholic's ongoing self-pity party. My ex also complained constantly about my family and insisted I "support my husband" in his egotistical battles.

In my experience, lobbing zingers at an alcoholic is a waste of breath. Stop worrying about what he thinks and what he'll do, and start getting in touch with what you think and what you want to do. Do you tell him who he is/isn't allowed to see, especially with regard to your children? No? Then don't take it from him.

Sorry for the rant. Sometimes these situations push all of my buttons....