penelope222

After realising so many things about myself while going through the twelve steps i felt like i could finally get a handle on everything but i dont know. Yes Im powerless over others but i cant stand the way he treats me and i dont even know if he realises he is being hurtful. I suppose he has to because ive spoken to him abouf it so many times. He hasnt gone out drinking this weekend which is very strange but is having a few quiet beers at home. He is not in the company of friends so will not talk. I cannot bear the silence anymore. I know i canno change him but i cannot bear it. No reply if i talk..ever..nothing. I am finding it hard to let go and let god today. Because i think to ignore someone continually is cruel.

penelope222

Sorry i dont just mean today i mean everyday..every single day!! No communication nothing!!

lizwig

Wow...I'm sorry Penelope. You don't deserve that. I bet he'd answer if you told him you are going to start putting yourself and your needs first. But remember...just as we need to watch their actions instead of listen to their words...we need to not make idle threats. Say what you mean, mean what you say...but don't say it mean.

penelope222

Thankyou Iizwig. I never say anything anymore. I was starting to sound like a broken record. He never said much in his defense only ' Thats the way i am' . Fair enough but he talks and laughs with his friends...even when sober. Ive stopped telling him funny stories from work or any idea i may have because he will say nothing or if Im lucky will nod his head..never making eye contact. No talking no touching. Im like a nun in a silent order. Cant be good for kids. I cannot end this relationship because he has wellfounded rejection issues. I cant reject him too.

allforcnm

Im sorry for what you are going through; I can understand where the silence between you is incredibly painful. When did he stop talking to you? Was it because he really lost interest in the family, most likely due to the substances; or is it because conversation’s usually turned towards his addiction, his problems, and his needing to take action? The latter happens a lot I think because addiction invades everything in the family. I learned from my husband how much pain he held inside when he was using, and how much shame and guilt were in there too. None of it was spoken about until after he went into treatment/recovery; but it explained a lot to me. Sometimes we end up seeing them more as an addict than anything else and they know it. Other times they’ think that is what we see, even when we’ see so much more.

Even in his silence Im sure he hears you; I would be certain to tell him what you are feeling (without blaming him) just that you want things to be different, and you want to talk, to be able to share things together, and spend time with your kids together, basically whatever good you feel. Although it hurts to get no response, I think continue to ask him to participate when you feel comfortable doing so, share small things. If he is like my husband there is a lot going on inside him, but he doesn’t know how to express it, or isn’t ready to admit it maybe. When my husband was in rehab they put a strong emphasis on communication, we did marriage counseling and the whole bit. Takes two to make it work, we are only one half... we can only do so much for the relationship if the other wont show up and do their share.

Keep exploring your own feelings, and what path is best for you and your kids. In time the answers will come to you.

spiderqueen

Wait...what?

I'm sorry to be blunt, and I don't wish to offend you, but this is deeply co-dependent thinking.

His treatment of you qualifies as emotional abuse, from what you describe. And regardless of his history, or his own emotional scars, he has no right to treat another person this way.

Please consider what is best for YOU (and did you say kids?). As an adult survivor of this type of emotional abuse from my father, TRUST ME - you staying and tolerating this benefits NO ONE.

Please take care of yourself.

pravchaw

I think it maybe a good idea to suggest couples counselling to your husband.

penelope222

Thankyou for replies. Im sorry if this sounds trivial but i feel like tearing my hair out. I have read up on emotional abuse and he seems to fit the bill. One day after i tried unsuccessfully to have a conversation about general stuff ...no replies i told him that it would hurt less if he hit me....he didnt answer that either. Now he told me if he leaves he is taking the child with him. (i know this cant happen as he has nowhere to go and no money). But still the threat makes me uneasy. She will have to spend a day a week with him or whate er is arranged. He has also made nasty comments about my older child that he may harm the younger one...which is unfounded. I dont know if he even thinks this anymore. Im scared to make a move because i dont know what he will do. Im probably overreacting. I wish he would leave..or better still..get a job..stop taking drugs..drink less AND STOP ACTING AS THOUGH I DONT EXIST!!!

penelope222

I cannot leave. Its my house. If it wasnt i would have left already..i think. At least i would know that i could.

Lily1918

Ann

It IS emotional abuse, dear, and it IS cruel and childish on his part.

You don't need to "work things out" with an abuser of any kind. You need to protect yourself and your sanity.

The more you try to get him to talk, the more you feed his control issues...he wins if his silence makes you crazy. That's why it's abusive. Counseling won't make it any less abusive.

It's time to take care of you, regardless of what he does. It's time to get legal advice and know your property rights and to take back your power to run your own life and no longer be subjected to his emotional abuse.

It stops when you say it stops. Why not take a day or too and don't feed into his childish silence. Make plans for something wonderful for you...even a nice walk in nature, a day at a museum or library....just something that will take you back into a wonderful world that interacts with you unconditionally. Why not find a meeting, Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us here find our balance again and feel empowered to take care of ourselves. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You, my dear, did not cause his behaviour, he alone owns his abuse and addiction. You do own your own reaction, so please turn your frustration into helping yourself instead of feeding into his abuse. You alone hold the key to your happiness.

Said with love in my heart....you don't have to put up with this one more moment. You get to say when "enough" is "enough".

Hugs

pravchaw

I agree its emotional abuse. Your choices are 1) detach (which it seems you have been trying to do unsucessfully) and wait it out or 2) Take things into your own hand. (I think this may be the only course open to you).
I don't fully know your situation, but this is a possible course of action (after talking to your lawyer) - "Listen AH, I don't know if you are sick, stupid or high, but I am not going to take this anymore. You are not the man I married. If you want to drug yourself to death, do it out of my sight. If you emotionally abuse me or the children, I am going to serve divorce papers on you and boot you out of the house."

penelope222

Thanyou for all your insights. I could bear no more and told him i had enough. He looked very upset. He left but came back and hung around us but still said not much but that he felt depressed. I wanted to hug him mind him and punch him all at the same time. He is gone out drinking to give me space. I think a caring man would take me out! I think i ran away with my new recovery feeling..Im back at square one since yesterday. thanks again for advice. I need to restart everything. Maybe its easier to give up a substance than a person. You cant hurt a substance!

jjj111

It sounds like you tried to set a boundary that was good for your peace of mind (telling him you have had enough) without a clear sense of what this would mean for him or for you. Maybe you should think on what the practical implications are of having enough? Will he be allowed to live with you? Will you continue to mix your financial affairs with his? Those are just two questions off the top of my head, but I think there are a dozen other practical boundaries you could also set if you've really had enough.