SadieJack

Hi... it has been quite awhile since I posted out here. My original issue was about my alcoholic brother who wanted to move in with me back in March. I refused and then we didn't speak for months. Then we tried to reconnect in early August. He told me that he quit drinking (cannot verify since he lives thousands of miles away) and he and his live-in GF have figured out their financials, etc. So it sounded like all was on the mend.

Then one day shortly after reconnecting, I was organizing my files and came across my mother's death certificate (she died Aug 2012). I scan important docs into my computer for safe keeping. I thought that my brother MAY want a copy, so I emailed him a PDF. He came unglued! I was a thoughtless bitch, why did I do this, how could I hurt him so. WTF? He attacked just about everything about me and usually I just "go away" angry but never retaliate. This time I gave it right back to him. Very intense argument. So we stopped speaking again for about a month.

Then I get a text from him telling he has "found the lord" and he is now "saved" and he loves me. OK... so we are now "talking" via emails, and calls, but he is getting abusive AGAIN.

I don't want to cut him off completely, but I cannot take this. I never know where his head is at any given time. He is my only remaining family member as I have lost both parents, other brother and sister.

He is very difficult. There can be no "let's discuss this like adults" He is uber-defensive, uber-critical and just a jerk. I thought if he quit drinking he would get better....not so much

dandylion

Oh, Sadie--I feel sooo bad for you. I know how important your connection to your brother feels to you--and understandably so!!

This makes you EVEN MORE vulnerable to his manipulations and lack of maturity. He is behaving like a typical alcoholic---and is being a real jerk.

Hon---first thing--read all of the stickies at the top of this main page--a literal "crash course" in alcoholism (LOL).

Sadie, no doubt you are grieving a lot of loss, right now--and being wounded by your brother just compounds this. Alanon can offer you the gentle and loving support--as well as the human understanding that you need--really NEED--right now. Please consider going--at least for a while.

Sadie--you can't fix your brother--and no amount of generosity and love is going to change his attitude--it will just likely enable him more and break your heart (for trying).
He would h ave to be i n a very rigorous program and devote himself fearlessly and tenaciously to it---for at least a year or two to begin to change his thinking, attitudes, and behaviors. I don't think that has happened.

You will continue to love him in your heart, of course. And he will continue to think of you as his sister--even with his really bad actions. You will have to draw some really strong boundaries with him (he has a disease as well as the immaturity that goes along with it).

This is hard, Sadie--nobody knows this m ore than I do. I have kin with alcoholism. Keep the love in your heart--but, protect yourself from his disease.

All of my empathy,
dandylion

Seren

Sometimes, cutting people off, even those in our FOO (Family of Origin) is necessary. During the fun-filled crack days with my stepson, my husband finally learned how to end the phone call, e-mail exchange, whatever, when his son became abusive.

When he became abusive over the phone, it was "I'm not going to continue this phone call if you keep speaking to me that way." If his son continued, he would hang up and not answer any phone calls from him for a long old time.

E-mails were handled on a case-by-case basis. Usually if it was going to be ugly, it was ugly right out of the gate. First line. So, those were deleted right away without reading any further.

I know it's hard to not become involved--not to try to convince your brother he is wrong because he is your brother and you love him. It is, however, a pointless exercise. But it is entirely possible to protect yourself. It takes practice! Keep at it!!

SadieJack

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I am just wondering... he says he has quit drinking, yet he still behaves like he is drinking. Does that make sense? Does the alcoholic disease survive even after you have quit the substance?

Thank you

Seren

I don't really know that any of us can answer that, but I have read so many times on here that when an alcoholic is just not drinking, but not working to address any of the issues in his or her life, then many of the questionable behaviors continue.

Certainly, your brother displays a lot of temper issues and manic behavior which may or may not be related to alcohol or drugs.

My stepson can be three people in one. The first is mellow with a dry sense of humor, entitled and lazy (alcohol). The second is a very scary, manic person--threatening and dark (crack). The third is who he actually is under all of that. A somewhat insecure but sweet and shy man.

I hope that your brother will one day find the help he needs. Although it might be nice to believe that he has, indeed, "found the Lord"--it almost sounds like a convenient jail confession to me.

SadieJack

Seren, your step-son sounds like my brother (even tho he doesn't use drugs). Many people wrapped into one person. I don't know if he will ever address the emotional/psychological issues he has (he is 60 and has never yet looked within). And I agree with you about "finding the lord"...

I have heard of a concept called "dry drunk". I wonder if he could be one at this point. I know I have to protect myself, but unfortunately that would mean cutting him off. There is no center in our relationship.

fourmaggie

its the Dr.Jaykel and Mr.Hyde syndrome...
this is all normal to a recovery or an achololic...
.
the 1st year of soberity is alot of CHANGE ...but ACTIONs speak louder than words--so what does your gut tell you? is he drinking?

you can detach with love..and be open to it...
1.dont answer the phone if not in the mood
2. speak up! if he is being RUDE to you...

remember his behavior is that...HIS

if chooses to "ignore" you...let him...but do not take on his behavior and his attutide(part of his manipulation)..time to step up to the plate...

Congrats! you are in one of the 3 A's
Awareness
Acceptance/Anger
Action

Recovering2

I had to detach from my brother about 6 years ago. He is my only sibling, so it breaks my heart. But before detachment, I put up with the exact same crap you are experiencing. No one could hurt me like he could. He lives with my parents still, so I had to let my folks know I couldn't go to their house, that it wasn't healthy for me. That was tough for them, but they understood.

To this day, I remain safely detached. I still see him at holidays, when I call the house if he answers our conversation is brief. He has been sober for about a year (I think), but he is still the alcoholic personality. I was at my folks recently, and he ended up making a rude comment to me. I was able to just tell my Mom it was time for me to leave, and I left.

It's hard when it's a sibling. But just because he's my brother doesn't mean he has permission to be rude or abusive to me. I can still love him, but I love me too.

wolfpackfan45

It sounds like he's a "dry drunk". Some alcoholics stop drinking, but still act mean and hateful. Many who aren't working a program act like this. Is he in AA or another program? Working the 12 steps is supposed to help with this type of hateful behavior. So sorry you're having to go through this.

SadieJack

I just called him yesterday to inform him that our sister in law (my other brother's wife) has stage three multiple myeloma. His reponse? "We all have to die of something. We all are on the slow train to oblivion"

Cold SOB

honeypig

To me, Sadie, this would also point to him not working any kind of program. As I understand it, AA has a strong focus on doing for others and getting out of one's own head. This surely doesn't sound like that.

Drinking now? Who knows. Working a program? Sounds very very doubtful indeed.

SadieJack

Thanks... yes, I agree that he is not in full recovery. He may or may not be drinking (when I was talking to him I could hear the tinkling of ice cubes over the phone which in the past indicated that he was drinking). He doesn't drink soda or iced tea or water... soooooo

I just keep hoping and getting hurt over and over. It is a hard situation. I will most likely end up cutting him off altogether for my own safety and sanity.

honeypig

And you know, Sadie, I guess it doesn't matter if he is drinking or not, right? Either way his actions are just unacceptable.

I could hardly ever tell if my A was drinking, almost never. I was told that if what I objected to was the way he acted, the unavailability, the lies, the little meannesses, then that was what I had to base my decisions on rather than whether I knew him to be drinking or not. It sounds like your situation might be similar, where you can't know for certain if he is drinking but you CAN know for certain if he is acting abusively, being cold, etc.

So sorry this is happening to you. I have a brother whom I love dearly and I can't even imagine how painful it would be to be in such a situation w/him or how many times I'd do the same as you, keeping on hoping and getting hurt all over again.

Hoping you eventually find a way to deal with this that gives you some peace.

SadieJack

You are right Honeypig...it really doesn't matter one way or another. Good point. I was hoping (again, in vain) that if he quit drinking that he would get "better". Thinking logically about an illogical behavior.

It will be very painful to have to cut him off, but I have to do it. It is another loss of many many in recent years. Thank you for your support!

dandylion

Sadie, I thought of another angle on your brother's remark about your sister-in-law.

When faced with the reality of death or dying, I have found that many people are so uncomfortable and don't know how to respond---so, they try to be helpful by saying the most STUPID things!!! I have seen people do this--who never took a drink!!! Many times.

Given that men often have a hard time with painful emotions, in general, they are also inclined to say the most inane things.

Within the last 24 hours, I was talking with a man who just found out that his m other would probably be having hospice care in the near future--He seems clearly concerned and admits to having a hard time with this situation. Near the end of the conversation, he said "We all have to die of something, right?".

Sometimes we attribute everthing to alcoholism when it isn't the case.

I don't know for sure about your brother...but I just wanted to make this observation.

dandylion

dandylion

Sadie, why do you have to completely "cut your brother off". As long as he keeps a geographic distance and you don't get sucked into enabling.....many of us have relatives who are less than we want them to be. In those cases--when it is possible--we just have to accept them as they are--with all their flaws. We don't get to pick our relatives.

I do realize that every case is scenario dependent. I am just talking about "black and white"---"all-or-nothing" thinking. (I am not talking about abusive alcoholic behaviors, here).

I hope you understand what I am trying to say--I am not being very articulate with this, I know.......

dandylion

SadieJack

Thanks for your comments dandylion... I know what you mean when you say that we cannot pick our relatives and have to accept them as is. However, my brother's "as is" is very abusive. I haven't begun to outline on this forum all the things he has said and done to me over the many years. I have reached a tipping point with him. It would take 3 pages to describe his abuse (caused by his drinking I think). So I am not doing a "it's my way or the highway" stance. I am simply tired of hoping, trying, and being hurt. He is not a nice man anymore. He is bitter, angry and reckless.

Seren

Hi Sadie,

I think you have every right to cut off all communication with your brother is all you have ever received from him is abuse. Perhaps, someday, he will find recovery. If and when he does, I think it will be apparent to you by his behaviors. Frankly, it sounds as if it's been more 'his way or the highway' for far too long.

Is it possible to block his e-mails, phone calls, and throw away or file any letters you receive from him without opening them?

Hugs, S.

dandylion

Sadie--I understand.

dandylion