I think most knew...

Old 09-13-2013, 08:31 PM
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I think most knew...

I think most of the "seasoned" posters knew when i first joined SR that it was inevitable that my marriage would end due to my husband's addiction. I was cautioned, warned and advised.....but I refuse to give up hope. Yes, i was the die hard hopium addict. I had a low bottom and I wanted what I wanted and no one could tell me differently.

I mean really how many addicts get clean and stay clean?? IMO, it's not a medical condition like cancer or diabetes, it's a choice! A very dangerous choice that ravages lives....and not just for the person taking the drug.

Damn, sometimes I have even wished I was the one feeling nothing so I, too, didn't give a flying sh!t.

People keep saying....it's ok, life will get better, I promise but does it really? Do survivors of this hell ever become whole again? Do the wounds ever really heal?

My husband is just another addict, he wasn't special, I wasn't special and our love wasn't special. Same story, different people.
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:14 PM
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LMN
No one has a crystal ball. Anyone who says they knew your marriage would end would be lying. No one ever knows for sure.

Yes. Life gets better but it doesn't get perfect. When we stop looking at external sources to make us whole, we have a chance to get better.

It sounds like today is was a bad day. We're still here. You're still not alone.

gentlest of hugs
ke
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:56 PM
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Yes, I am having a bad night.

I am sick too so isn't helping either.
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Old 09-13-2013, 11:38 PM
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LMN,
As stupid & sappy & silly as it may sound---
you still have your SR pals.....each and every one
having been at ground zero when this obscenity
(addiction) detonated directly above us.

Some would counter that SPF-1000 sunscreen
won't make a whit of difference---and maybe it wouldn't.
All I DO know is that going through this WITH SR is a hell
of a lot better than without SR.

BTW....... ALL your SR pals hope you feel better!
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Old 09-14-2013, 12:46 AM
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All I know is LMN- you have helped me through some of the most trying times of my life with your kindness. Praying for you tonight... BnB
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Old 09-14-2013, 01:18 AM
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Nobody knows which relationships will survive addiction. Heck, nobody can predict which relationships will survive without addiction being involved. For us “seasoned” folks, all we can do is encourage and possibly guide you to a point where YOU can LIVE (not just survive) no matter which direction your relationship goes.

I think we all carry scars from this, but the thing about scars is they are a sign that healing has taken place. And, yes we can and do heal and become healthy and whole again. Not today or tomorrow, but over time, as long as we are kind and patient with ourselves while we do the work on us.

I’m sorry you’re in a bad place tonight, but the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, you're always a day away.
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Old 09-14-2013, 04:58 AM
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My husband is just another addict, he wasn't special, I wasn't special and our love wasn't special. Same story, different people.

He is special to you, not the same story , your story, an important story.

You are special to us, all of us, don't ever forget that.

It's okay to be in the space you are in, it will shift.

Enlightenment is painful, it takes a lot of courage to take it on.

Love as always, Katie. xo
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Old 09-14-2013, 05:10 AM
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cynical- about the scars, that really struck me. I have huge scars from surgeries, and I'm not ashamed of them at all. I wear my bikini and I like to think that they are like tattoos I've earned by getting through hell. I am not disfigured, I am resilient, and that is what resilient looks like.

but I hadn't thought of other things like that, that the experiences that rip me up will leave their marks, but that its not only ok, (and I shouldn't feel like others would judge) but that others will see my strength and resilience.

thanks!

and to LMN, yeppers. I joined around the same time as you. I reconciled with AH, and now a year and a bit later, we are back at square 1 and I feel dumb for not just moving on and away before. I guess I read a lot of these posts and I could take on the information with my rational mind, knowing that sobriety without relapse was unlikely, but I still let my heart take the lead and I thought we would be an exception.

but no one is really an exception to humanity are they.

but I'm still here. Lets do this. together.
we've got to figure it out eventually.
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Old 09-14-2013, 05:32 AM
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Hope is a candle that burns in my heart always, right next to the candle of love.

We never know who will find recovery or who won't, on either side of the street. I have seen the most hopeless of all addicts make it back and live a wonderful life giving back what was so freely given to him. And I have seen the finest of recovery lost in complacency and eventually relapse. Like life and death, we just don't have the power to know and it's probably just as well.

This is one reason we try not to tell people whether to stay or leave any relationship (except where abuse is involved or danger to children). What we do try to do is share some honesty about how addiction affected our own lives and how we overcame the pain and help others find healing too when they need it. We walk together here, there are no successes or failures, just friends who have shared the journey.

You tried, LMN, you gave it your all and you tried, not foolishly or through denial but with hope that maybe yours would be the marriage that survived and thrived. My addicted loved one is my son, but I tried for about 10 years before I finally threw in the towel of codependency and grabbed the lifeline of my own recovery. My son wasn't unique and neither was I, we just each needed recovery really really bad and as it turned out, I was the only one to reach out for help.

Life takes us to where we are supposed to go, sometimes it's a path filled with thorns, sometimes it's a path lined with flowers and nature and peace...but it's all part of the tapestry that makes up our lives and each section means something important that we need to experience. As an old gal I can tell you that I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, but I would not go back and change a day of it either because it all makes sense in the end and it brought me to a good place I would never have found without the journey I have taken.

So, like it or not, we are all walking with you. We help our wounded along and we cheer on those who are heading for new beginnings. We're an odd group, no two the same yet none unique, and we hurt together and laugh together and share cheesecake when we stop to rest.

So lace up your Nikes, girl, and walk with us, it's a lovely day and the geese are cheering us on from overhead. There is sunshine ahead and some wonderful twists and turns that will show us spectacular views when we arrive at that part of our journey. The only map is our hope, our dreams and our quest for peace and tranquility....and maybe a slice of cheesecake now and then.

Love you lots, LMN, you'll be okay. Now march!
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Old 09-14-2013, 05:38 AM
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You're understandably upset right now, but be careful about comparing out. I know it's hard because most of us are trying to help each other through sharing our personal experiences (and not telling one another what to do), and when we identify with the experience of another it's tempting to compare... but no matter how similar an experience may be, my experience is my own, and yours is your own. When we let comparison into the party, his old friend self-pity usually tags along, and that does nothing to help us.

Some relationships survive, some do not, and addiction is not the only force that determines that. I think what others have already said is most important: the goal is for us to make decisions based on what we really feel, without guilt, without others saying what they think we should do, and THAT is only possible after we clear out all the muck that's been clogging our engines for so long. As a personal testimonial, I can only be grateful for the painfully illuminating light that I encountered in my Nar-Anon groups (which then led me to a year of very important personal therapy) and here in SR. It was painful because, in a way, my eyes had never experienced sight before. I truly was blind, but now I see.

Sending you hugs.
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Old 09-14-2013, 05:40 AM
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Old 09-14-2013, 05:53 AM
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LoveMeNow, beware of nights when you're feeling sick and everything seems dark and hopeless. Try not to let your thoughts overwhelm you. One day you'll wake up and realise how far you've come.
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Old 09-14-2013, 06:57 AM
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LMN, I'm sorry you had a difficult night. Today is a new day...

I had never heard the term "hopium addict"! Thank you for that. I am definitely one! At times my hope does waver, and I find myself in a contemplative space. But...some of my biggest breakthroughs have come during those spells. I call them my "coming to Jesus" moments. When sitting in that level of discomfort and discontent we have the opportunity to get real about what we will no longer settle for and what we know we need to do to protect ourselves. Call it anger...call it whatever...but at times that discomfort can propel us towards real change. Sending you strength and hoping you got something positive out of your "moment".
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:07 AM
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agree agree! Love the Hopium addict thing too. definitely resonating with me.

@ misoberbio -- another thing about comparing relationships is that just because someone has been married a long time doesn't mean they are in love or have a relationship. Its an easy way to quantify, but there is no one outside a relationship who can really know what its actually about.
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:45 AM
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Are You A Hopium Addict?
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:59 AM
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holy doodle, cynical! thanks for the powerful link. A really good thing to think about. I'm not sure that it is 100% like my own situation, but I do relate a LOT to it and I can really see how I need to do a bit of work emotionally on me around these issues.

thanks for sharing.
I really appreciate all the effort that long time contributors like you put in here. You Help!!!
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Old 09-14-2013, 11:54 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words and support. I really do appreciate them.

As the end is almost here, I find myself still in disbelief, so hurt and very lost.

P.S. Thank you Cynical One for posting the link about hopium addicts from your blog. I have spent a lot time reading over there again. Thank you for sharing all your wisdom and information with so many of us.
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Old 09-14-2013, 12:53 PM
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We're walking with you LMN


We Walk Together*
by Sue C. Boynton

And so one day
We fell in step.
It mattered not that each of us
Had traveled quite a way,
Or that the hour was rather late.
It just seemed very good
To walk together.

I think it seemed to each of us
A sweet surprise,
An unexpected joy,
To know such deep and quiet peace
With one another.

Seemed strange that out of those
Who through the years
Had crossed our paths,
In this, life’s richest afternoon,
We who had almost strangers been,
Were brought together.

Draw closer, friend,
And place your hand in mine.
And let me see about your eyes
That merry, crinkly smile
Which I have grown to prize.

It may grow late, it may grow very late.
I shall not see the shadows
Only stars,
If we keep step
Together.

Last edited by Ann; 02-08-2018 at 10:22 AM.
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Old 09-14-2013, 01:53 PM
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LMN,

I, too, believed that our marriage would survive my husband's addiction, especially because he had been clean and sober for a few years. But last year he relapsed and no amount of crying, begging, threatening, loving, etc. could make him stop.

A few months ago I met with a divorce lawyer and signed the papers. Now, as my marriage is coming to an end, I find myself thinking some of the same thoughts you have. Will I ever really heal? I allow myself the freedom to feel the hurt, pain, and confusion when I have to and then I try to move on. Some days I can do this quickly, other days it takes me a little longer to move on. I need to remind myself that if I fill my heart with hope for the future and gratitude for the blessings I do have, there won't be much room for all the other negative stuff.

I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. This thread, which you started, is filled with so much kindness and wisdom. Even though we have never met and probably never will, your words and kindness in this forum have helped me and many others. Don't give up on the future and don't ever give up on yourself. Not only will you be ok, you will be STRONGER.


Hugs
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Old 09-14-2013, 08:31 PM
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Like Ann said, we are all walking with you, LMN.
.... though I wish Ann would update her graphics,

5 ladies walking away is fine..... but.......

(oh,hell, if it's for LMN ----- I'm ok with putting
a dress on a la 'Tootsie' or 'the birdcage'!)

Your SR pals are ALWAYS here for you (and you for
them) .....no matter how dark the night.
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