everything feels so far away
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 61
everything feels so far away
I started here a couple months ago, after a particularly awful bottom, and my resolution/reconciliation with my addiction.
While I've started attending AA meetings, been up front with family members and friends about my commitment, I have still drank a few times. Particularly when I traveled for work. I have a new job (4 months old) in advertising, I'm a Director, everyone in the industry drinks, and I've had a really hard time reconciling my new commitment with trying to bond with my new colleagues. After a few weeks I got feedback that people felt I wasn't really invested in being there, that I came and left and they weren't "really sure who I was."
This sort of pressure led me to go out a couple times with them and drink, and voila, I've now been accepted and have bonded.
I'm not ready/willing to explain to anyone at work my issue with alcohol, nor would that probably be beneficial for me right now. But I'm also not strong enough in my recovery to go out with them and not drink.
I traveled recently to the UK for a work trip and gave myself permission to drink. Well, after a particularly big night, we had a big presentation the next day, and I was hungover but thought I kept it together. Today, a week after the trip, my manager called me into his office and said they heard from the managing director there that I 'smelled of alcohol and had low energy' during the meeting. My boss, who I have a great relationship with, said he pushed it off with HR and that it did not sound at all like me and that "we all have our moments but please be careful". UGH. This has happened before, btw. Drinking has come up at prior jobs as an issue, mostly after big events, and it's gut wrenchingly embarrassing. I've never had a 'drinking on the job' issue because I've never drank at work, and I'm a super over achiever, but I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen with this new big-girl job...and...well.
My parents, brother, ex-husband and closest friends all know that I've committed to recovery, so I don't drink around them. But I have consciously not told others so that I don't have to be under the pressure.
Even though I know the risks, I am so afraid of facing life without drinking. When I don't drink I feel proud, responsible, ok, alert. But I also feel completely bored, sad, isolated and DIFFERENT thank everyone else.
I want a different life but it feels SO. FAR. AWAY. Like I cannot imagine being truly happy, in love, or anything that I associate with fulfilled without having alcohol involved in my life. The idea of dating, playing, traveling, all of it. It just seems so impossibly far away.
Apologies for the length. I just feel so desperately alone. I have a good life, a healthy daughter, a family that loves me, and blah blah...but I can't *feel* that gratitude. I just feel blank and empty and full of self-hatred.
I keep hearing it gets better. Right now no part of me believes this. There seems to be an entire galaxy between me and that 'better place'.
While I've started attending AA meetings, been up front with family members and friends about my commitment, I have still drank a few times. Particularly when I traveled for work. I have a new job (4 months old) in advertising, I'm a Director, everyone in the industry drinks, and I've had a really hard time reconciling my new commitment with trying to bond with my new colleagues. After a few weeks I got feedback that people felt I wasn't really invested in being there, that I came and left and they weren't "really sure who I was."
This sort of pressure led me to go out a couple times with them and drink, and voila, I've now been accepted and have bonded.
I'm not ready/willing to explain to anyone at work my issue with alcohol, nor would that probably be beneficial for me right now. But I'm also not strong enough in my recovery to go out with them and not drink.
I traveled recently to the UK for a work trip and gave myself permission to drink. Well, after a particularly big night, we had a big presentation the next day, and I was hungover but thought I kept it together. Today, a week after the trip, my manager called me into his office and said they heard from the managing director there that I 'smelled of alcohol and had low energy' during the meeting. My boss, who I have a great relationship with, said he pushed it off with HR and that it did not sound at all like me and that "we all have our moments but please be careful". UGH. This has happened before, btw. Drinking has come up at prior jobs as an issue, mostly after big events, and it's gut wrenchingly embarrassing. I've never had a 'drinking on the job' issue because I've never drank at work, and I'm a super over achiever, but I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen with this new big-girl job...and...well.
My parents, brother, ex-husband and closest friends all know that I've committed to recovery, so I don't drink around them. But I have consciously not told others so that I don't have to be under the pressure.
Even though I know the risks, I am so afraid of facing life without drinking. When I don't drink I feel proud, responsible, ok, alert. But I also feel completely bored, sad, isolated and DIFFERENT thank everyone else.
I want a different life but it feels SO. FAR. AWAY. Like I cannot imagine being truly happy, in love, or anything that I associate with fulfilled without having alcohol involved in my life. The idea of dating, playing, traveling, all of it. It just seems so impossibly far away.
Apologies for the length. I just feel so desperately alone. I have a good life, a healthy daughter, a family that loves me, and blah blah...but I can't *feel* that gratitude. I just feel blank and empty and full of self-hatred.
I keep hearing it gets better. Right now no part of me believes this. There seems to be an entire galaxy between me and that 'better place'.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I think it's normal to feel that you can't imagine life without alcohol. I know I truly believed there would be nothing if I stopped drinking. I think it's part of the disease of alcoholism that makes us believe we can't manage without it. But you can stop drinking and have a happy life without alcohol. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
You seem to be making it hard on yourself. You say you want to quit, but then make a list of the reasons why you can't.
I don't know anyone with a significant drinking problem who hasn't quit without total commitment to the process. I can't see any willingness to make that commitment and indeed you are saying the thought of not drinking is too much to tolerate. Like so many of us in active addiction the ambivalence is murderous. A horrible place to be in fact.
Sounds to me that drinking as it relates to work is more problematic than helpful. So what if your colleagues think you are a bit aloof? You say you are a high achiever. Those results are what matters surely? Another case of you want to quit, but it is a huge problem if you do.
I hear from people I trust that it really does get better. At just under three weeks I can already see that for myself in small ways.
Good luck to you. if I have any advice at all it is to decide what you really want to do.
I don't know anyone with a significant drinking problem who hasn't quit without total commitment to the process. I can't see any willingness to make that commitment and indeed you are saying the thought of not drinking is too much to tolerate. Like so many of us in active addiction the ambivalence is murderous. A horrible place to be in fact.
Sounds to me that drinking as it relates to work is more problematic than helpful. So what if your colleagues think you are a bit aloof? You say you are a high achiever. Those results are what matters surely? Another case of you want to quit, but it is a huge problem if you do.
I hear from people I trust that it really does get better. At just under three weeks I can already see that for myself in small ways.
Good luck to you. if I have any advice at all it is to decide what you really want to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 61
What it is I really want to do, of course, is be someone I'm not. Meaning, someone who can drink normally and doesn't have this to contend with . But, alas.
Being a 'high achiever' is important but hardly the only thing that matters at work. We all want to belong, to be a part of something, to feel well-liked and understood and appreciated? And I've always wanted that to a painful degree.
I do want to quit drinking, and I know I cannot live the way I was. It's just damn hard and in ways I never imagined. Like I said, it all feels so far away.
But thanks for listening.
. But, alas.Being a 'high achiever' is important but hardly the only thing that matters at work. We all want to belong, to be a part of something, to feel well-liked and understood and appreciated? And I've always wanted that to a painful degree.
I do want to quit drinking, and I know I cannot live the way I was. It's just damn hard and in ways I never imagined. Like I said, it all feels so far away.
But thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
I understand. I felt the same way. I had been drinking all my adult life, my husband drank as did all my friends. I had a career and was doing well in it. But you know something huge was always missing.
I always felt unhappy inside. I was anxious and depressed. I was starting to get ill physically and people had started to notice.
When I first quit, I felt the same as you...I couldn't visualise my life without it. I couldn't imagine ever having fun or being able to relax. I had to put my faith in those who had been sober a while. They said it was not only possible to have a sober life, but they were enjoying it too!! They were happy and at peace, and it was that sense of peace that I longed for.
At 15 months sober now, I can tell you that they were right. I feel a million times better now than at my happiest drunk time.
Hang in there, it does get better. Honestly x
I always felt unhappy inside. I was anxious and depressed. I was starting to get ill physically and people had started to notice.
When I first quit, I felt the same as you...I couldn't visualise my life without it. I couldn't imagine ever having fun or being able to relax. I had to put my faith in those who had been sober a while. They said it was not only possible to have a sober life, but they were enjoying it too!! They were happy and at peace, and it was that sense of peace that I longed for.
At 15 months sober now, I can tell you that they were right. I feel a million times better now than at my happiest drunk time.
Hang in there, it does get better. Honestly x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Hello lala,
I can totally relate to your story. Thanks for sharing. I too have been called out on my drinking during work related events/get togethers in the past.. I have 25 days sober. I decided to stop drinking because I really don't like the person I become. The thought of being drunk, slurring my words, and stumbling has truly become a real turn off for me. Too me, I think that state is highly unattractive.
And, if I have one, I will have 100.
I attended an all-out work party last week. Full open bar, food galore, etc... It is my company's annual celebration. My boss likes to hold it the early in September. I did not drink though I was so tempted by the smell of the red wine. I sipped club soda and grapefruit juice in a high-ball glass. Not one person asked me what I was drinking.
It was such a pleasure to observe everyone else while sober. Out of the 20 people in attendance, about 8 were not drinking. 6 folks had a max of 2-3 glasses. The remaining 6 got completely blotto... They embarrassed themselves...
I was just so glad I was not in that group.
I can totally relate to your story. Thanks for sharing. I too have been called out on my drinking during work related events/get togethers in the past.. I have 25 days sober. I decided to stop drinking because I really don't like the person I become. The thought of being drunk, slurring my words, and stumbling has truly become a real turn off for me. Too me, I think that state is highly unattractive.
And, if I have one, I will have 100.
I attended an all-out work party last week. Full open bar, food galore, etc... It is my company's annual celebration. My boss likes to hold it the early in September. I did not drink though I was so tempted by the smell of the red wine. I sipped club soda and grapefruit juice in a high-ball glass. Not one person asked me what I was drinking.
It was such a pleasure to observe everyone else while sober. Out of the 20 people in attendance, about 8 were not drinking. 6 folks had a max of 2-3 glasses. The remaining 6 got completely blotto... They embarrassed themselves...
I was just so glad I was not in that group.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I too didn't want to give up drinking and wondered what I'd do with myself if I was sober. I had no hopes of being happy. But I looked at my drinking self and saw that I wasn't happy that way.
I'm glad I stayed sober. I am happy now which I used to think would be impossible. But it's not!
I'm glad I stayed sober. I am happy now which I used to think would be impossible. But it's not!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
lala34
you know something made a connection with your post. i work in the medical field that is closely times to law enforcement. i became addicted to alcohol due to the past four years. i was finally able to stop drinking and it was difficult to related to people at work. most of the guys i known at work have weekend parties at homes and bars and the alcohol flows. i like to ride dirt bikes and always have few beers before a good ride.
like you i am very competitive and a go getter at work. but now i seemed different wound them, i dont drink and for a while i tried to avoid drinking activities that i liked to do or people who did. yea i gave my self permission to drink a few times but in the end i realized i only gave my self permission to continue being an alcoholic.
but i also i kept the alcoholism close to only the people i know. i told my sister, mother, and few other close people. after all i dont want to air my dirty laundry that is jsu apart of my personality.
but now i have been sober for 9 months and my life is great with out alcohol. but i dont hang around the people who drink. but i do sometimes go to activities that i drank at and i dont drink. it was hard but i did it.
yes it does get better. like when i meet friends i still try to have the conversations i had when i drank but sober. i try to socially remain the same but without alcohol. your friends will accept you if they are your true friends. but it will get easier. as far as my career, it has only improved.
i know the feeling of being alone, i feel that many times now. but people here have helped alot. there is a chat room here you can log on and chat with. i go there often when i need support or just want to talk too. so i encourage you. and congratulations on your sobriety!! keep up the good work.
you know something made a connection with your post. i work in the medical field that is closely times to law enforcement. i became addicted to alcohol due to the past four years. i was finally able to stop drinking and it was difficult to related to people at work. most of the guys i known at work have weekend parties at homes and bars and the alcohol flows. i like to ride dirt bikes and always have few beers before a good ride.
like you i am very competitive and a go getter at work. but now i seemed different wound them, i dont drink and for a while i tried to avoid drinking activities that i liked to do or people who did. yea i gave my self permission to drink a few times but in the end i realized i only gave my self permission to continue being an alcoholic.
but i also i kept the alcoholism close to only the people i know. i told my sister, mother, and few other close people. after all i dont want to air my dirty laundry that is jsu apart of my personality.
but now i have been sober for 9 months and my life is great with out alcohol. but i dont hang around the people who drink. but i do sometimes go to activities that i drank at and i dont drink. it was hard but i did it.
yes it does get better. like when i meet friends i still try to have the conversations i had when i drank but sober. i try to socially remain the same but without alcohol. your friends will accept you if they are your true friends. but it will get easier. as far as my career, it has only improved.
i know the feeling of being alone, i feel that many times now. but people here have helped alot. there is a chat room here you can log on and chat with. i go there often when i need support or just want to talk too. so i encourage you. and congratulations on your sobriety!! keep up the good work.
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