tabasco

I am on a second date on Sunday. But she drinks. I have told I am on a major diet and fitness drive in a £200 bet with a friend I cant lose 30 pounds in 3 months. So I wont be drinking!
Thats my excuse to stop any early questions, we drank on our first date and then I went on a three day hard bender, I am on day 2 now, so Sunday will be day 4 but she likes to drink and said well if you dont mind that I do, and I said of course not, so long as you dont mind that I dont.
What's your experience of dating in early recovery? Longer term with a partner who drinks? I guess you cant punish someone because of your problem if they are a normal drinker.
I have always battled with excepting I am an alcoholic who can no longer drink, I have field tested every way, but I now admit I just can not drink normally and abstinence way for me to live a happy life, or IT IS a long spiral to the end and death.

pinkdog

Hi tabasco, It sounds like their drinking does bother you. I think honesty is best. Tell them you don't want to be around the alcohol. To me sobriety is #1. If they want to be around you, they will respect that. Very best wishes to you.

doggonecarl

I think you are setting yourself up for a possible relapse, in a couple ways. One, she drinks. Two, because you gave an excuse with a time limit on your drinking--3 months. So you've left the door open to drink again.

There is a reason they suggest no relationships in the first year of sobriety. You need to work on you.

Good luck.

ACT10Npack

If your lying to your date on why your not drinking then it will never workout. Although if you don't feel like telling your date the full story on why you don't want to drink, lying about your reason shows you have no respect to your date. I always keep my answer why I don't drink general but truthful. Most don't care if you drink or not.

lorelei

be careful. its early days in your sobriety and a possible relationship, but your sobriety needs to come first, don't put yourself in a tricky situation until you're strong enough to handle it.

AllieB

What Carl said.

Plus I think it is unfair to the person you're dating. It's one thing not to mention a history of alcoholism once you've been sober for a couple years (though at some point in the relationship, the person has a right to know, because relapse does happen); it's another thing to omit that information when you only have a couple days or weeks or months under your belt.

EndGameNYC

People come in to sobriety battered and broken, with financial ruin, no meaningful relationships, ill health, and no prospects for the future. We've often destroyed everything meaningful in our lives.

After a week or even a few days, many misplace their priorities. "I need a job." "I need money." "I have to get a car." I have to redo my kitchen." "I need a girlfriend." So they place themselves squarely in the firing line, offering a plethora of excuses as to why their sobriety cannot come first. And they usually relapse.

Yeah, no big changes in the first year, including relationships. Most of us are attention starved, so we start new relationships, which is a very effective way to hide from our struggles in early sobriety. The thinking goes something like this: "I'm in a great relationship. I must be getting better." The relationship then goes badly, and the recovering alcoholic cannot bear to leave in the name of making personal progress. Guess what happens next?

As I've commented before, AA's Thirteenth Step was explained to me in the following way: "My life is unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

hypochondriac

Did you make any excuses on the first date tabasco or did you intend to drink then?

Eleni58

You hardly know her. How do you know she doesn't have a drinking problem too?

Pandorable

No relationships in the first year of recovery - no big changes at all - that was something I wasn't good at and didn't do at all. Years later, I can see why that was advised. In my case, I substituted relationships for alcohol. Everything I did with alcohol, I tried to do with relationships. I drove people away. I was a terrible partner. And I needed to work on myself way more than I needed to be in a relationship.

Time will tell if you can date a drinker. I do, and plan to marry him, but he chooses every day to never drink around me, knowing my history. This means he hardly ever drinks - a beer or two once a week with a friend, on average. He is able to make that choice because he is a normie and because I was far enough along in recovery to have built a beautiful sober life and to tell him what it would mean if I relapsed. I'm quite sure I couldn't safely date someone who did choose to drink around me, though I have known people in recovery who can. At a few days or a few weeks in, you probably don't yet know whether you can, so dating someone who drinks may be playing with fire. I had to find that one out the hard way, myself. I hope you don't have to.

tabasco

Thank you everyone, yes, I did intend to drink with her on the first date. I managed to hold it to three glasses wine, but then drank at home and then a three day bender. Its taken me a while to finally, totally and honestly believe step one. Admittance, I can not and will not drink. If I do, my life will get worse. I do have a goal to lose 30 pounds and get toned up. My intention, if we become close, is to say I have decided to stop drinking altogether, I feel fresh and alive and fit. You can see the difference in my. And I started this change because I knew I was drinking too much anyway. I would be interested to know how longer term people deal with long term sobriety with a normal drinker. I think she may well have a drinking problem if I am honest. She was a singer for many years.
I am lonely, and my wife has left me for another man, so I know part of it complex emotions. But, on the hand, I do genuinely like her. I might say over lunch on Sunday, that part of the bet is because he knows I drink too much, thats probably the fairest thing.

David10

drinkers are fine for some NSA fun but for a serious relationship stick to sober people.

dwtbd

It may be that the 'drinking' conversation , at least for the next date, is already taken care of, perhaps if it doesn't come up, don't bring it up.
If it turns out that this is a person you will spend more time with and develope a fuller relationship with a more detailed conversation would be appropriate.