Amberrrx0x3

Hello, This is my first post and I really need help and advice. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We are high school sweethearts. We have got through everything together. We moved out into an apartment together 5 years ago so he could finish school. Everything was great... until his parents got divorced. Dealing with his parents getting a divorce was the hardest thing. My fiances dad neglected him and left him for another woman and family. I knew my fiance was struggling with this, but he would keep it to himself. His dad would keep him happy by giving him money, pay for our rent and all my fiances expenses until he was done with college. Last year in November, on my birthday, my fiance asked me to marry him. I was so happy and excited. My fiance had gotten a job as a bouncer at a night club around that same time... then everything started going down hill. This past year was the hardest year of all. He never wanted to talk about the wedding, or contribute anything towards it, he would feel guilty and ashamed that he couldn't help me. He would spend all his money on "weed" ... so i thought... but the way he chased "weed" wasn't normal. The way he spent money on weed wasn't normal. The way he acted on weed wasnt normal. Every 3 months he would have these episodes of leaving me random notes out of the blue for when i got home from work saying "i need space, i am screwed up, i need you to move out... ITS NOT YOU ITS ME" and it would literally break my heart because i had no idea what i was doing wrong. He would then come home and tell me how sorry he is for leaving those notes and that he loves me and he is sick of hurting me. He even came home with flowers and card telling me how sorry he was. I let it slide and just tried to move past it. We had a great time on our vaca in RI afterwards, and we would have days where he was just so obsessed with me it would be smothering, and then days where he was just pure miserable. He doesn't sleep, and had bags under his eyes. He was also asking me if he swallowed bottle caps and everytime he hit a pot hole driving he would ask me if he hit somebody... i was like... no??? I woke up to go to the bathroom one night around 3am... he was sitting in the kitchen staring off into space and didnt even acknoledge my excistence. I asked him if he was ok... and he slowly said yes. It really freaked me out. I woke up went to work the next day and came home to another note. I didnt leave this time... i stayed and waited for him to get home from the gym and ask for an explanation as to why he randomly leaves these notes. He came home and was surprised to see me there... he looked miserable. I asked him why he does this to me and that i love him very much. He told me wasnt ready for marriage, or anything. I told him we dont have to get married, but dont push me out of your life like this! he then held my hand and squeezed it... like he was ready to tell me something... he looked at me and told me that night he was staring off into the kitchen he had drove around at 2am thinking suicidal thoughts. I told him that wasnt normal and he should get help. I told his sister the next day what he had said, and then he completely denied it and just said he felt worthless. 2 weeks go by and it is after labor day (which he slept until 5pm) he stayed up all night, and i woke up for work. I went over to him and asked him what was wrong... he told me he was unhappy and that i should give him back the ring and move out. So i did. Later on that week my next door neighbor called me telling me he didnt look good, same as his friends at the gym. Told me he was wicked skinny, bags under his eyes and looked very depressed. The next door neighbor called me telling me this past weekend his dad moved him out of the apartment and back into his moms house... and that his dad is going to be drug testing him every week. That just seemed very odd to me. His sister would email me telling me he is struggling and something happened to him that she cannot tell me, that he wants to tell my himself. He hasnt barely texted me all week but tonight he is coming over to give me the rest of my stuff. He keeps telling me he needs this break up and he needs space. I know this has more to do with me, im not the problem. His sister would keep telling me that i am not the problem, my fiance has made some mistakes. What do i do? i want to support him but he doesnt want my help. I have helped him through everything these past 7 years... why wont he allow me to help him with this? I wont judge him, i just want to see him and be here for him. I am so heart broken. I put so much time, effort, love and money into this relationship. These past few months i found myself, losing myself, to try to make him happy... and in the end i still couldnt!

LillianGish

Hi,
Welcome to SR but I'm sorry for the reason you are here.

I don't think you can help him. He needs to help himself because he is the only one who can do that. Sounds like his family is involved too, which is good.

But you can help you! Sounds like you need some care. Have you eaten lately? How are you sleeping?

There's a friends and family section of this site, and you may want to check that out here:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hang in there - I bet this is really hard for you.

Amberrrx0x3

I have been barely been eating... Maybe once a day. I get anxiety thinking about what's going on and I can't eat... My stomach turns. I have been seeing a therapist lately over this to try to get help. I moved back into my parents house and luckily I have gotten great sleep. I wake up sad and alone though. My girlfriend drives past his house every day and she tells me his car is always there, just his. I guess it hurts me that he's ok being alone and I am not. I just want to hear from him. I miss him and I love him.

LillianGish

I hear the sadness in you and I'm so sorry.

He's not ok though. Not by a long shot. And, I doubt it has anything to do with how he felt about you before he became an addict. He's very, very ill and people who are in that state - aren't in their right mind. When he said it wasn't you, it was him....that was one thing he was right about.

It would be great if you ate more. Drink lots of water too. Get outside for some fresh air. This kind of sadness makes your body feel like it's under siege.

Check out the friends and family site. Al-Anon too....

ScottFromWI

Addiction is a horrible thing Amber. As hard as it is to accept, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help until he decides that he wants to end his addiction on his own. No amount of money, time, love will really change him until he decides to change himself. We as addicts here finally woke up and saw what we were doing to those around us like you, and many of us did see it to a certain extent while we were drinking/using..but when you are under the grips of addiction you don't care - all that matters is the drug/drink of choice.

It's great that you are seeking counseling help, as others mentioned you may want to try Al-anon or the Family and Friends of addicts forum here too. Do try and take care of yourself..that's the most important thing you can do.

Amberrrx0x3

thank you all for this. it brings tears to my eyes knowing i can not save him. i have always been the one to pick him up when he was down. i am saddened he has hid this from me for god only knows how long. When he would write me those letters it seemed as if there was no emotions in them... he would crumble them up, throw them away, then take them back out... like he was confused on if he should leave them. The problem is, his parents havent been there for him this whole time, i have given them warning signs that he is not doing good and should get help, they ignored me... then when i left something drastic happened (with drugs, maybe he almost overdosed?), and everyone in the family knows EXCEPT me. They wont tell me... he wants to tell me himself... which he is coming over tonight. I just feel so embarrassed and neglected. He keeps saying in texts he needs space he needs this break up because he was unhappy in our relationship but he isnt giving me any reasons as to why... he just kept saying the fighting... we barely fought and when we did fight is was because he never spent time with me and was to busy chasing "weed" (when i think he was doing another drug such as oxy) and never had any money.

FeenixxRising

Amber, I was a little unclear, is pot the only substance you know for certain he's using? Because it sounds like there are other substances involved. And if it is only weed, he may have some other psychological issues going on.

Amberrrx0x3

pot is the only one substance i thought he was using that he would tell me.... but the way he acted was not pot reactions... staying up all night long, delusions, gets wicked hyper, then gets wicked depressed. He would have suicidal thoughts... he would never have any money and would only come home with a little bit of weed... like he would go buy a $40 bag and it would look like a $10 bag. When he was low on money he would try to sell his laptop, gps, our tv, he even sold his Dr dre beats headphones i got him for christmas, they where $300... that just doesnt sound like he is using just pot to me. He shows all the signs of using another, stronger substance. He also got wicked angry over the littlest things. He has punched holes in our walls and broke our kitchen table because his dad wouldnt give him more money when he was low. He would come back home from bouncing at 4am all hyper... when the bar closes at 2...

FeenixxRising

Amber, I'm just speculating based on the info you've given, but it sounds like meth or coke. IMO, the behavior you've outlined isn't the type of behavior of a chronic pot smoker.

But again, this is almost pure speculation on my part, so take my comments with a grain of salt. Have you ever asked him straight out if he is using other drugs?

Anna

Amber, I am very sorry for the situation you are going through and for your sadness. Obviously this relationship is at a difficult spot and your fiancé wants time away and space. I hope you can take this time to look after yourself. I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor and I hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Please know we have a Friends & Families forum on this message board, too.

Amberrrx0x3

I never really thought of asking him about it... he is into fitness and stuff so i thought when he mixed weed and protein shakes it would make him hyper, and not sleep... but with the random anger, delusions and these notes wanting to leave me with no explanation puts all the pieces together.Everytime i would ask him why he acts the why he did, he just kept responding "because i am screwed up"... you have to remember i have been with him since i was 17... he used to be the best person in my life, it was a total 180 this past year... he turned for the worse... it is hard for me to just let go. We have so many great memories together... how could he just forget them and leave me like this?

joygirl

It's the not knowing. Hopefully you will get some answers tonight. Whatever is going on with him, do not blame yourself. It sounds to me like he is trying to protect you, from his truths and himself. He does sound very ill. I understand how confused and upset you must be. You should get some answers, and then you will have to find peace with that.

Keep getting yourself therapy, and treat yourself gently. You were with him a long time, but you do have worth on your own. You can learn to stand on your own two feet. But for now, your heart is breaking, and that hurts. My thoughts are with you today!
Joy

longbeachone

Oh Amber, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You've been trying to put together a wedding and plan your life together, and your fiance has been seduced away by the most terrible mistress of all, addiction. From the way it sounds, your fiance has reached the point where he has crossed into a full blown problem with whatever substance he's using, and from experience I can tell you that it's no longer an enjoyable pastime for him...more like a prison he can't escape from. When he tells you that he must be alone now, he probably is so mixed up and miserable. This battle is all consuming. It makes you feel like such a terrible failure.

I think you must give him the space he needs to begin recovering, and as much as it hurts, turn your attention to yourself. Go to the friends and family page, and read up on Co-dependency (not that you are co-dependant, but it's an easy place to go in your position).

Amberrrx0x3

so do i just give him his space? is that really what he wants? when you are in that state of mind... don't you want all the support as possible? i guess i am just confused as to why he is pushing the person who cares the most about him away... from what i assume he is getting help... since his parents found out they now have him living with his mom and under supervision... do you think his mind will clear and he will see that he truly does love me again? or is this over for good....

Amberrrx0x3

thank you everyone for your great advice... i do not know much about substance abuse... i have never been put into a situation like this... all your advice you are giving me is helping me understand this disease a little better...

LillianGish

Yes, give him space ~ and no, most addicts don't want support, they want drugs if they haven't come to grips that they need to get better. I'm sorry.

Why is he pushing you away? I don't know, but shame and guilt are likely playing a part in him. And, maybe he really wants to break free of his old life just to try and stay clean. You aren't the cause of his addiction and that's not what I'm even hinting at....it's just that to get clean of drugs and alcohol, it's likely he's being told to get away from any trigger that may cause him to reach for drugs.

He's in the fight of his life right now. No one here can predict what will happen with your relationship. He may get clean and come back, he may get clean and move farther away, he may keep taking drugs, he may.....you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out someone addicted to drugs. You'll never know the answer.

You can't help him. You can't change his choices. When he comes and talks to you tonight....it may not even be the truth. His perception is his reality though.

If you were my sister and asking me what to do: Listen to his story, don't read too much into in, tell him you love him and you'll respect his need for privacy, that you'll be there for him when he's clean.....and let him go for now. He's living with his parents for now ~ trust that they will take care of him as best as anyone could.

Focus on yourself now. It's good work no matter what happens with him. Start with Al-Anon - they can help you with the letting go and how to do that with compassion for him and yourself.

What you are going through is very, very hard. I am serious about taking care of yourself and eating well. It helps.

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation. I agree you need to respect his wishes andgive him the space he has asked for.

He will not quit until he first admits he has a problem and then decides he really wants to quit. Only then will support help. Nothing you do or say will make any difference,it will just end up causing you more heartbreak and pain.

I know it's heartbreaking but please take this time to look after yourself. You are so young with your whole life ahead of you. You need to look after you. People change and there are so many changes from 17-24,even without addiction in the mix.

PLease look after yourself and don't throw your life or future happiness away on someone who will only cause you pain and heartbreak. It sounds like he is trying to let you go and get on with your life kindly. I know it hurts but time does heal

Amberrrx0x3

you are very right.... your advice is one of the best. I will try to be more compassionate about this then angry and upset with him. I hope he will give me the answers i deserve tonight... the truth. That is all i want. I will try to focus on myself from now on... i have been focusing on him for so long... to try to make him happy... i will try to make myself happy now... he was such a great, bright, beautiful warm hearted person... it is so sad drugs took that all away...

Amberrrx0x3

i wish i could just let him go and move on with my life. it is a fresh wound that will eventually heal... but i know the love that we once had... i will never find it anyone else. He used to give me so much love, affection, attention and love... the old him... i hate being on here reaching for anything... and there is nothing to grasp. I will only hope for the best... but expect the worst.

Uninvited

My father, who is retired and in his late 60s, got hooked on prescription drugs. He left a note on the kitchen table for my mom, who has been married to for over 40 years, that he was moving out and getting a divorce. For the prior 40 years there had been no major issues so you can imagine this came as a shock to my mom, especially since the only communication was a note and he was gone. After a year or two he got clean and is back with my mom. Your "notes" struck home and my point is drugs make people crazy and you can't predict their behavior when they are on them.