challenging
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
challenging
Tonight, I am here at work and I keep catching myself playing the tape through. I am realizing that I am beating myself up all over again for all of the lost times I just wasted while drinking.
I'm going to be honest, I never want to go back. I'm 5 1/2 months sober and I would lose EVERYTHING that i've gained if I went back.
I know who I was when I was drinking and people were scared of me. They did not know if I would throat punch them or buy them a drink (expecting one in return). I would black out to hide the pain, down a fifth of vodka only to go to the fridge to grab another, pass out and wake up hours later in violent attacks and drowning in sweat. Drinking to cover up the true emptiness in my life. My identity was only in the bottom of the bottle. I can't have that...
Early in sobriety, I was so consistant in going to my meetings, really talking to my sponsor. Now, I still talk to my sponsor, but not as much and my meetings ... well, I may hit 1 meeting up a week if not longer.
I thought being sober, I would find an ounce of happiness ...
I'm finding this very challenging because I'm lost. Or so that is how I feel.
I don't know where I am going with this. My mind is just running and I can't seem to focus.
I'm going to be honest, I never want to go back. I'm 5 1/2 months sober and I would lose EVERYTHING that i've gained if I went back.
I know who I was when I was drinking and people were scared of me. They did not know if I would throat punch them or buy them a drink (expecting one in return). I would black out to hide the pain, down a fifth of vodka only to go to the fridge to grab another, pass out and wake up hours later in violent attacks and drowning in sweat. Drinking to cover up the true emptiness in my life. My identity was only in the bottom of the bottle. I can't have that...
Early in sobriety, I was so consistant in going to my meetings, really talking to my sponsor. Now, I still talk to my sponsor, but not as much and my meetings ... well, I may hit 1 meeting up a week if not longer.
I thought being sober, I would find an ounce of happiness ...
I'm finding this very challenging because I'm lost. Or so that is how I feel.
I don't know where I am going with this. My mind is just running and I can't seem to focus.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
Hi endstage,
Leave the past where it is, gone, nothing we can do bout it now, learn from it but don't let it ruin now, you are doing very well, you don't ever have to drink again, unless you choose too.
Sounds like you still have a gap, a void that needs to be filled, where drink used to live, can you find new things, activities, hobbies, people to meet? The longer you are af, the more complacent we can become, I know that. Thats when I slipped. You still need the meetings it doesn't ever go away we just learn to manage our illness, don't focus on whats gone, think about what you've achieved and make some goals of where you'd like to be?
L x
Leave the past where it is, gone, nothing we can do bout it now, learn from it but don't let it ruin now, you are doing very well, you don't ever have to drink again, unless you choose too.
Sounds like you still have a gap, a void that needs to be filled, where drink used to live, can you find new things, activities, hobbies, people to meet? The longer you are af, the more complacent we can become, I know that. Thats when I slipped. You still need the meetings it doesn't ever go away we just learn to manage our illness, don't focus on whats gone, think about what you've achieved and make some goals of where you'd like to be?
L x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
the longer i'm sober the more meetings i go to. Heard too many times in the rooms that meetings fall off then people often drink.
i especially go when i want to isolate with my guilt, anger and shame.
Being with me with those feelings is a bad choice.
I will go to any lengths now.
That wasnt always so.
I almost died as a result.
G
i especially go when i want to isolate with my guilt, anger and shame.
Being with me with those feelings is a bad choice.
I will go to any lengths now.
That wasnt always so.
I almost died as a result.
G
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
And I know that, the more I stay away the quicker I will fall. I guess, I'm just at a weak point in my sobriety and I feel as if I have already failed. If that makes sense. Thus, beating myself up.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
The time when you feel weak, and you recognize you are, is the time to take control and do something positive. You haven't failed because you feel weak, you only fail when you give up, give in and just stop trying,
You don't want to go back to day 1, withdrawal, all that, fight for your sobriety, look how far you've come...look for ways to strengthen yourself x
You don't want to go back to day 1, withdrawal, all that, fight for your sobriety, look how far you've come...look for ways to strengthen yourself x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 345
end, trying to find healthy answers to why you feel empty and despondent is good, that is someone who is working on their recovery. for some reason, when we are lonely and tired (usually in the middle of the night) things seem desolate, scary, and we feel like giving up, we become vulnerable to "what's the point".
i agree with you, i've lost and blown so many opportunities over the years as a result of my drinking. but, we can either use these experiences to help ourselves and others or we can bury ourselves in regret, self loathing, bitterness and probably relapse.
the alternative, is pretty lousy and ends up bad, we know, we've tried it.
have an awesome friday. maybe there is someone in your path today, that needs to hear your story, and needs support from you, that will show you that there is a purpose to what you have been through.
i agree with you, i've lost and blown so many opportunities over the years as a result of my drinking. but, we can either use these experiences to help ourselves and others or we can bury ourselves in regret, self loathing, bitterness and probably relapse.
the alternative, is pretty lousy and ends up bad, we know, we've tried it.
have an awesome friday. maybe there is someone in your path today, that needs to hear your story, and needs support from you, that will show you that there is a purpose to what you have been through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi End. Early in the program my desire to drink was gone and my thoughts were "so what's the pay off?" So I started to follow some directions I didn't like. Went to different meetings every night, get active like making coffee, washing ash trays, going on commitments , sitting up front, listening, arriving early and leaving late. Those and more helped ME, no one else and I repeat them for those that NEED them 30+ years later. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
If you want sobriety above all else my friend.
You will weather the storm.
And do what that voice of sanity suggests.
You are worth it.
G
I was to learn that everything that i put before my recovery i was to lose anyway.
A painful but invaluable lesson for me now.
You will weather the storm.
And do what that voice of sanity suggests.
You are worth it.
G
I was to learn that everything that i put before my recovery i was to lose anyway.
A painful but invaluable lesson for me now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Congratulations on 5 and a half months Endstage, , that's awesome 
I think it's natural to feel lost at this stage, hell all stages. I think we spend a lot of time trying to figure out how it all works now cos it's all new but it isn't really helpful to do that. In fact it tends to make us a bit crazy. Try just to focus on thus moment. Don't worry about what happened in the past and what will happen in the future and just concentrate on the present x
I think it's natural to feel lost at this stage, hell all stages. I think we spend a lot of time trying to figure out how it all works now cos it's all new but it isn't really helpful to do that. In fact it tends to make us a bit crazy. Try just to focus on thus moment. Don't worry about what happened in the past and what will happen in the future and just concentrate on the present x
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I don't know where I am going with this. My mind is just running and I can't seem to focus.
Have you read up about PAWS ? i know around the 6 month mark there were still physical changes going on with me in my brain , a certain kinda fuzzy headedness .
You say you're only going to one meeting a week , i think the fact you mention it must have some relavence , so are you going to enough meetings ?
You say you feel lost , well there are lots of interesting places to go, things to do and see , people to interact with .
Feeling lost isn't being lost , just keep on, things change all the time or they seem to for me ,
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I agree with Mecanix about PAWS. I also don't think you are at a weak point in your recovery. I think you are at a turning point in your recovery. You have figured out the sober thing. Now some of the internal work begins. I read a lot of recovery literature. I also am in counseling as I have a lot of issues I'm needing to work on. I dug myself in to many holes while drinking and now I need some help figuring out why getting out of the hole is better. This is super normal what you are going through
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
I spoke with my sponsor for a while and all I could do it just keep sayin that I feel as if I am in the "whirl-pool fighting against the current..." Yes, her response was a no brainer and you are probably saying it right now ... JUST TURN AROUND and GO WITH The current. Quit fighting." I've always had to fight for myself; no one else would. So fear? Yes. Discouragement? Safe to say. Let God and Let God? I have to every morning, waking moment, every step of my day ... This comes so easy for those around me. I mean, I hear their stories of the DT's, recovery, and freedom ... all I keep wondering is, WHEN ... When will I experience what they have? Honestly. I know, I know ... TIME. 8 Days to my 6 months and I don't ... I don't know.... My mind is still running full speed I just can't think most of the time. I don't even know what i'm trying to say now. Again, I appreciate ya'll
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hey EndStage ,
Somehow i think this quote from Halford seems apt , sorry if it seems off the point but it always said something to me :-
Bestwishes, m
Somehow i think this quote from Halford seems apt , sorry if it seems off the point but it always said something to me :-
No. Well, you hit rock bottom. Anybody that’s in recovery will tell you that they just hit the bottom of the s--- pit and basically said “I need help. I can’t do this.” You first admit that you’re powerless over life, and that’s the greatest ... that’s like the holy grail for living. Once you admit that you’re powerless over life, that you have no control over life – no matter what you say or try and do – that’s just the epiphany.
And I think once I got that in my brain box, everything else made sense. You put things into perspective. You put the value of what’s relevant and what’s not. I read a book every night before I go to bed, of different sayings and quotes. The one I read last night was from Mahatma Gandhi, which said everything you do in life in insignificant in the big picture, but it’s important that you do something. (NOTE: The actual quotation is “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”)
It’s like the Buddhist thing: you clean the bowl of food after you’ve eaten the food. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a king or a beggar. It’s a very simple, but important thing to do. It might sound stupid. It might sound completely “What are you talking about?”, but it’s the motion of going through that. And so, for me, in recovery, my brain is always focused, at the end of the day, on something that I think is a tool, it’s useful.
You can never stop growing as a human being, if you make the effort. It’s all about effort. Some people choose to go on through life and have a very simple, uncluttered, beautiful experience. Some people have it differently. But I think what comes out of being clean and sober is a great sense of empowerment and strength that you utilize in your day-to-day existence.
And I think once I got that in my brain box, everything else made sense. You put things into perspective. You put the value of what’s relevant and what’s not. I read a book every night before I go to bed, of different sayings and quotes. The one I read last night was from Mahatma Gandhi, which said everything you do in life in insignificant in the big picture, but it’s important that you do something. (NOTE: The actual quotation is “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.”)
It’s like the Buddhist thing: you clean the bowl of food after you’ve eaten the food. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a king or a beggar. It’s a very simple, but important thing to do. It might sound stupid. It might sound completely “What are you talking about?”, but it’s the motion of going through that. And so, for me, in recovery, my brain is always focused, at the end of the day, on something that I think is a tool, it’s useful.
You can never stop growing as a human being, if you make the effort. It’s all about effort. Some people choose to go on through life and have a very simple, uncluttered, beautiful experience. Some people have it differently. But I think what comes out of being clean and sober is a great sense of empowerment and strength that you utilize in your day-to-day existence.
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