For the baby's sake?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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For the baby's sake?
Help! I need opinions from those who really get it. I divorced my AH which finalized a month ago. We separated in January when our baby was 2 months old. I asked him to leave after a huge drunken blow up. He moved to his brothers house and while he was to be working on himself, he had an affair and got this girl pregnant. She is due in a couple of months.
His mother watches our baby while I work. This is something we had worked out long before our daughter was born. The XAH comes to what was our house where I now live to see our baby when I am at work and his mom is here. This is best as it is hard to trust him with her alone.
I'm dealing with an alcoholic who cheated and is having a baby with someone else. I'm beyond hurt. Just one of those issues alone is hard to handle but all at once is difficult. We tried for a baby for a couple of years and I suffered two miscarriages before our daughter was born. It's personal that he got someone else pregnant while we were still married!
Anyways, our daughter is turning one soon. His mom believes that I need to put aside my issues and have a joint birthday party for her. She says that it isn't about me and that for her sake we should be able to get together to celebrate her birthday. I want to scream!!! He chose to drink and have an affair. I was dedicated to the marriage until I learned of all details. I'm trying to move on and detach. We were married for twelve years and together for 15. Opinions?? Please!
His mother watches our baby while I work. This is something we had worked out long before our daughter was born. The XAH comes to what was our house where I now live to see our baby when I am at work and his mom is here. This is best as it is hard to trust him with her alone.
I'm dealing with an alcoholic who cheated and is having a baby with someone else. I'm beyond hurt. Just one of those issues alone is hard to handle but all at once is difficult. We tried for a baby for a couple of years and I suffered two miscarriages before our daughter was born. It's personal that he got someone else pregnant while we were still married!
Anyways, our daughter is turning one soon. His mom believes that I need to put aside my issues and have a joint birthday party for her. She says that it isn't about me and that for her sake we should be able to get together to celebrate her birthday. I want to scream!!! He chose to drink and have an affair. I was dedicated to the marriage until I learned of all details. I'm trying to move on and detach. We were married for twelve years and together for 15. Opinions?? Please!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Dear pookielou, I was a single, divorced parent for many years. You will never regret having the joint birthdays. He is your child's father. They need their father. Even if it is just for a 2 hour birthday party. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I say have your own birthday party for her, he can have his own party for her if he wants to.
Perhaps I am a little prejudice on this situation. You see this subject came up for me about my grandchilds birthday. I was going through the divorce at this time, and I didn't want to be at that party with my stbx there. I knew I couldn't deal with it. Still can't.
Perhaps I am a little prejudice on this situation. You see this subject came up for me about my grandchilds birthday. I was going through the divorce at this time, and I didn't want to be at that party with my stbx there. I knew I couldn't deal with it. Still can't.
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Hello pookielou, and pleased to meet you 
My first suggestion is to just slow down. Take a _slow_ breath. Then let it out.
You do not have to decide this issue right this minute. You can let it sit for an hour, or maybe two. Maybe you can decide that you need a little time to think it over. You can decide to _not decide_, just today.
Today you are in a world of hurt. How could you not be? My suggestion is to give yourself permission to be human. Only a rock could be completely un-emotional in this situation. Only a rock could make the kind of decision your are talking about and _not_ feel overwhelmed.
You can also give yourself permission to change your mind later. If the situation changes.
For right now, how about you just step back, let all the good people here toss out their ideas, then come back later when you are a bit more settled. Or maybe come back tomorrow.
Am I making sense with all that?
Mike
Originally Posted by pookielou 
... Opinions?? Please!
You do not have to decide this issue right this minute. You can let it sit for an hour, or maybe two. Maybe you can decide that you need a little time to think it over. You can decide to _not decide_, just today.
Today you are in a world of hurt. How could you not be? My suggestion is to give yourself permission to be human. Only a rock could be completely un-emotional in this situation. Only a rock could make the kind of decision your are talking about and _not_ feel overwhelmed.
You can also give yourself permission to change your mind later. If the situation changes.
For right now, how about you just step back, let all the good people here toss out their ideas, then come back later when you are a bit more settled. Or maybe come back tomorrow.
Am I making sense with all that?
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Oh my goodness!!!!! What a pig!
I would be just as mad and disgusted.
Ontop of dealing with his alcoholism as you had , to add cheating and another child. Boy do I get your frustrations! But remember that their child is innocent and your child is innocent. As inconvenienced as the whole thing is and what problems and feelings have become from it.
Your child does need her father or at the very least her mother to hide her resentments .
Honestly shell admire you for it later.
I totally get why this bothers you. I also understand that everyone needs to heal in their own time.
So I wont say to do it or not to do it BUT consider taking steps to heal if not for you . For your child.
I would be just as mad and disgusted.
Ontop of dealing with his alcoholism as you had , to add cheating and another child. Boy do I get your frustrations! But remember that their child is innocent and your child is innocent. As inconvenienced as the whole thing is and what problems and feelings have become from it.
Your child does need her father or at the very least her mother to hide her resentments .
Honestly shell admire you for it later.
I totally get why this bothers you. I also understand that everyone needs to heal in their own time.
So I wont say to do it or not to do it BUT consider taking steps to heal if not for you . For your child.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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ok first, ONE year old birthday parties don't last very long...she'll get a cake, smear it all over herself, and quickly bore with the box things with paper on them. you suck it up and you do this FOR HER. so there are photos with her mom and her dad participating in her sweet life.
will SHE remember this? no. but you an set a precedent....that for HER we will agree to be civil and share the same oxygen. just as you would run IN to a burning building for HER, you do this for HER. if in any way you two can work out how to co-parent, put all your stuff aside and worry about being parents, you will ALL benefit.
will SHE remember this? no. but you an set a precedent....that for HER we will agree to be civil and share the same oxygen. just as you would run IN to a burning building for HER, you do this for HER. if in any way you two can work out how to co-parent, put all your stuff aside and worry about being parents, you will ALL benefit.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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A one year old has no idea whatsoever about what a birthday party is, even when it is happening. She will not care when she is older if there were pictures of you and her father together because it is a non-event for her, as it is for every child's first birthday. Cake is good, whenever you get it, when you're one year old.
This year, while your feelings are so raw and you feel so damaged, rightfully so, I do not think you need to suck anything up at all.
Take care of yourself. Whatever that means to you. No need to subject yourself to anymore pain. IMHO, your MIL is being quite pushy to insist upon this. It isn't her business, nor is it her place to tell you how to parent your child.
When your daughter is two, a birthday may begin to mean something to her. Even then, she'll have no idea that her mother and father should be together at her birthday party. Two parties mean two cakes to her, and that is good. She'll be happier with pictures of her doing happy things with her mother and with her father, and it doesn't matter if the pictures are taken at two separate events.
By the time your daughter is three, it will matter to her who is at her birthday party. That gives you and your ex husband almost two and a half years to work out this joint parenting gig on behalf of your daughter.
You come first here. Take care of yourself in whatever way you need to.
ShootingStar1
This year, while your feelings are so raw and you feel so damaged, rightfully so, I do not think you need to suck anything up at all.
Take care of yourself. Whatever that means to you. No need to subject yourself to anymore pain. IMHO, your MIL is being quite pushy to insist upon this. It isn't her business, nor is it her place to tell you how to parent your child.
When your daughter is two, a birthday may begin to mean something to her. Even then, she'll have no idea that her mother and father should be together at her birthday party. Two parties mean two cakes to her, and that is good. She'll be happier with pictures of her doing happy things with her mother and with her father, and it doesn't matter if the pictures are taken at two separate events.
By the time your daughter is three, it will matter to her who is at her birthday party. That gives you and your ex husband almost two and a half years to work out this joint parenting gig on behalf of your daughter.
You come first here. Take care of yourself in whatever way you need to.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
I have a 10 month old baby and a 4 year old. My XAH and I have been separated since May/13. We're still new at this co-parenting thing too.
Although the things he has done have hurt, the fact remains that we have young children together and we will be a part of each other's lives for a long time. We need to make it work somehow. Despite our differences, we still need to model civil behaviour with eachother.
I am thankful that, despite his addiction, he still wants to be an active part of their lives. There are many A's that do not do that. I am grateful for all the positive time he spends with them. My XAH will be at his daughter's birthday party.
Hugs to you!
Although the things he has done have hurt, the fact remains that we have young children together and we will be a part of each other's lives for a long time. We need to make it work somehow. Despite our differences, we still need to model civil behaviour with eachother.
I am thankful that, despite his addiction, he still wants to be an active part of their lives. There are many A's that do not do that. I am grateful for all the positive time he spends with them. My XAH will be at his daughter's birthday party.
Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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She will not care when she is older if there were pictures of you and her father together because it is a non-event for her
I beg to differ, when my ex, my daughter's dad died of cancer and WE were assembling pictures to create a montage for his memorial and for HER memory, the pictures she chose most often were the ones that had her dad and I IN them, together. the birthday party we had at seattle center, me cutting the cake, her dad beside me.....her college graduation ceremony with her dad and I on each side....
she has the box with her dad's ashes on her bookshelf. we call it brian's box. when I go over to feed the kitty if they are on a trip, I always stop to have a moment with brian's box. after he died and she had to return to LA where she was still living and working, she drove with her dad's box in the passenger seat, strapped in with the seatbelt. EVERY moment he spent in her life WAS important. IS important.
we HAD to get over OUR stuff and get ON to the business of being parents. he left me for my best friend. whatever. I couldn't let that cloud my better judgement as to what was best FOR HER. she remember her dad and I at every "event " in her life....be it a dance recital, a school play, a soccer game. we came together for the common purpose of doing what was best for our CHILD.
I beg to differ, when my ex, my daughter's dad died of cancer and WE were assembling pictures to create a montage for his memorial and for HER memory, the pictures she chose most often were the ones that had her dad and I IN them, together. the birthday party we had at seattle center, me cutting the cake, her dad beside me.....her college graduation ceremony with her dad and I on each side....
she has the box with her dad's ashes on her bookshelf. we call it brian's box. when I go over to feed the kitty if they are on a trip, I always stop to have a moment with brian's box. after he died and she had to return to LA where she was still living and working, she drove with her dad's box in the passenger seat, strapped in with the seatbelt. EVERY moment he spent in her life WAS important. IS important.
we HAD to get over OUR stuff and get ON to the business of being parents. he left me for my best friend. whatever. I couldn't let that cloud my better judgement as to what was best FOR HER. she remember her dad and I at every "event " in her life....be it a dance recital, a school play, a soccer game. we came together for the common purpose of doing what was best for our CHILD.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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This is a tough one. My first thought was have two small parties for the child, then you dont have to be in the same room with your ex. Then I read the posts that said do it for the child, have that one party, be civil for two hours or so. Seeing how the birthday is soon, and you dont seem settled at all, the two small parties might work this time. But when she turns two, I think you and he should try to hold one party, it doesnt need to be long, two hours max. Take the photos, try to enjoy her, ignore him if you have to. It's about her in the long run.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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also for me, the only pics I have of my mom and dad together where when I was an infant...my dad LOOKED happy to hold me...but then they split up and my mom prevented him from having anything to do with my life...I assumed he left because of ME. cuz after I showed up in the photos, he left......
my mom and I were in seattle, trip "down south" from Ketchikan, shopping downtown and we encountered a man with a daughter maybe a year or two older than I....10? they spoke briefly, no one said a word to ME....the man and the girl left...I asked my mom, who was that? she said, your father.
I didn't recognize him....my mom never had pictures of him on display...I had no idea, no perspective, no point of reference.
my mom and I were in seattle, trip "down south" from Ketchikan, shopping downtown and we encountered a man with a daughter maybe a year or two older than I....10? they spoke briefly, no one said a word to ME....the man and the girl left...I asked my mom, who was that? she said, your father.
I didn't recognize him....my mom never had pictures of him on display...I had no idea, no perspective, no point of reference.
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I went back and read your first post here. Your ex was extremely abusive to you. I still go for the 2 parties. I don't think you would be able to deal with him being there. I know that I wouldn't. Then what happens if he brings the pregnant gf? Can you deal with that at this time?
After reading your initial post here I just want to (((((((((hug)))))))) you.
Just do what you will feel comfortable with.
After reading your initial post here I just want to (((((((((hug)))))))) you.
Just do what you will feel comfortable with.
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Your daughter will have many important milestones in her life, and there will be many times you and your ex are going to have to cooperate for her sake--you may have to make joint decisions about health care issues, school, vacations, etc. You may never like or respect your ex again, but to the extent you can put the emotions aside for your daughter's sake, she will benefit tremendously. There is also the matter of your ex MIL, who sounds like a very nice person, who is doing her best to help bring some stability to her granddaughter's life. I think the sooner you start working on getting past your anger over your ex's actions, the happier you all will be in the years to come. You haven't indicated that he was seriously abusive to you during the marriage, so I think you owe it to yourself and your daughter, and your ex MIL, to give it a try. This event is a ways off still, so you have some time to pull yourself together.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, you might want to give it a try. It's great for working on letting go of resentments--which hurt you more than they do anyone else.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, you might want to give it a try. It's great for working on letting go of resentments--which hurt you more than they do anyone else.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Oh Anvilhead that is just horrible. How could your mother do that to you? Did she ever explain herself and did you get to meet him later on, and your half sister? I'd be really PO'd if my mother did that to me.
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WoW, pookie. -- (this thread seems to stir up very strong sentiments).
I will give you my personal approach (what I think I might do if I were in your shoes, right now)---but, this is ME and I recognize that, in the end you will have to use your own judgment and do what you are most comfortable with. This is definitely a very difficult situation for you!!!!!
I think I would ask grandma to be in charge of hostess duties for the day (this gives her a satisfying role to play). This would give you the freedom to keep your distance as much as you can. You could do some photo-OPs (maybe with gritted teeth) and, then, exit the scene until he leaves. This way there will be plenty of pictures to record the event for her---and minimize the contact for you---and get grandma off your back.
Of cours, I do recognize that this kind of co-operation will depend on how easily you can actually communicate and "work" with your mother-in-law.
Believe me, I understand how raw and hurt you are right now--and yo have every right to be! This would be hard for anyone to deal with!! This first year---with everything so fresh and evolving has got to be the pits. It is going to take you some time to process all of this. It is so easy for others to be cavalier when they are not the ones in your shoes!!
Yes, think about it for a while and see if you can make a plan to go by. You still have some time to let it simmer a bit.
Do keep us informed on how it unfolds. I am sure that there are others in your similar kind of situation with the other parent.
dandylion
I will give you my personal approach (what I think I might do if I were in your shoes, right now)---but, this is ME and I recognize that, in the end you will have to use your own judgment and do what you are most comfortable with. This is definitely a very difficult situation for you!!!!!
I think I would ask grandma to be in charge of hostess duties for the day (this gives her a satisfying role to play). This would give you the freedom to keep your distance as much as you can. You could do some photo-OPs (maybe with gritted teeth) and, then, exit the scene until he leaves. This way there will be plenty of pictures to record the event for her---and minimize the contact for you---and get grandma off your back.
Of cours, I do recognize that this kind of co-operation will depend on how easily you can actually communicate and "work" with your mother-in-law.
Believe me, I understand how raw and hurt you are right now--and yo have every right to be! This would be hard for anyone to deal with!! This first year---with everything so fresh and evolving has got to be the pits. It is going to take you some time to process all of this. It is so easy for others to be cavalier when they are not the ones in your shoes!!
Yes, think about it for a while and see if you can make a plan to go by. You still have some time to let it simmer a bit.
Do keep us informed on how it unfolds. I am sure that there are others in your similar kind of situation with the other parent.
dandylion
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You do not owe him a damn thing.
Your daughter won't care.
And if she cares in the future that you weren't throwing her a joint one-year birthday party, you can tell her to ask her father why that was.
There is NO WAY after what he did to you that you should expose your broken self to him for the sake of his mother. Because that's all this is, appearances. If she can get you to smile next to him in photos, then clearly, he can't be the bad guy you say he is.
Yeah. And the horse she rode in on. And for God's sake tell me you have full custody of this child.
Your daughter won't care.
And if she cares in the future that you weren't throwing her a joint one-year birthday party, you can tell her to ask her father why that was.
There is NO WAY after what he did to you that you should expose your broken self to him for the sake of his mother. Because that's all this is, appearances. If she can get you to smile next to him in photos, then clearly, he can't be the bad guy you say he is.
Yeah. And the horse she rode in on. And for God's sake tell me you have full custody of this child.
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In the long run, a joint birthday party means little. Speaking as someone who tried to work it out with my ex and give him a chance to be in the picture, and he nevertheless found ways to crap all over my goodwill, and who DID the joint birthday parties while my son was little, my son couldn't care one whit about joint birthday parties when we couldn't have a conversation without fighting for a decade. His dad is still a jerk. Today, thirteen years later, he's a jerk I don't really care about that much, but that's after a lot of therapy and learning about acceptance and boundaries here.
This is not a situation where two rational adults just need to get over themselves and do what's right for the kids. He's an active alcoholic, and you sound very, very raw.
The hard work of being able to be in the same room with him and not have him be under your skin is not done around a birthday cake, it's done in a therapist's office (been there, it works) over many years (same) to find out why these holes left by your FOO and you crappy early life decisions keep you making the same bad life decisions that keep you stuck (same again).
That said, there is one thing that's edging my instincts from saying "two hours isn't a big deal" to "whatever, do what you want" -- and it's that the birthday party plea is coming NOT from him, but from his mother. If he were coming to you with the request for a birthday, if he were able to promise being on his best behavior, if he could draw some lines around his new babymamma's presence in YOUR life, if he could promise to be sober for the hour it takes to eat a hot dog and smear some cake around, MAYBE. But the fact that it's your soon to be former mother in law that is begging everyone around her to get it together for the kids, and placing that burden on YOU and not her wayward son, screams of codependent manipulation and I'm not surprised you want to scream. It made me want to scream when my family did this to me.
I fell for it. It sucked for a long time. It took a lot of therapy to recognize that their best intentions around my son and his dad were still toxic and wrong for me.
This is not a situation where two rational adults just need to get over themselves and do what's right for the kids. He's an active alcoholic, and you sound very, very raw.
The hard work of being able to be in the same room with him and not have him be under your skin is not done around a birthday cake, it's done in a therapist's office (been there, it works) over many years (same) to find out why these holes left by your FOO and you crappy early life decisions keep you making the same bad life decisions that keep you stuck (same again).
That said, there is one thing that's edging my instincts from saying "two hours isn't a big deal" to "whatever, do what you want" -- and it's that the birthday party plea is coming NOT from him, but from his mother. If he were coming to you with the request for a birthday, if he were able to promise being on his best behavior, if he could draw some lines around his new babymamma's presence in YOUR life, if he could promise to be sober for the hour it takes to eat a hot dog and smear some cake around, MAYBE. But the fact that it's your soon to be former mother in law that is begging everyone around her to get it together for the kids, and placing that burden on YOU and not her wayward son, screams of codependent manipulation and I'm not surprised you want to scream. It made me want to scream when my family did this to me.
I fell for it. It sucked for a long time. It took a lot of therapy to recognize that their best intentions around my son and his dad were still toxic and wrong for me.
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Dandylion, you are right, this post is stirring up issues for lots of us.
Anvilhead, I hear you about your childhood and the abandonment and how much that picture meant to you, and I am so sorry that you suffered that. It is just tragic and painful and I am sorry for your loss.
Your point is well taken - it is much better for the child when the parents can cooperate in co-parenting for the welfare of the child, not for a show or to please somebody else. And this needs to be done in this situation, for the welfare of the baby.
I think the question is the timing. If I can presume, from reading your post, and forgive me if I am wrong, that picture of you with your parents at your infant birthday party became a pivot point for you for the rest of your life. It was the only reference you had to your father and to your parents' acting in your benefit, given your mother's denial and rage and subsequent refusal to acknowledge your father for the rest of your life.
I don't think that is the case here. I think Lillamy and Florence called it. Pookielou, it is your MIL who wants some semblance of normality, who wants to cover over the destruction that her AS has caused and make it appear "nice" even if only for an hour. She wants the experience - for you all, perhaps - of living life the way it should have been, could have been. And the pictures to prove it. It is bittersweet on her part, but it isn't real.
You guys are still in crisis. Your AXH has done things that are unbearable to you. The emotions and loyalties are so disturbed by his behavior.
I think that the key point here is not the baby's first birthday and the memory making opportunities of that event. It is that you have been abused, abandoned and damaged by the actions of your AXH. And more will come, because he soon will have another baby in the scene. Nobody's feelings have settled or resolved even at the most minimal level.
You can commit to working out whatever is the best for your child's welfare in the next year, in the next lifetime. You need time to endure the birth of your AXH's new baby, and sort out your feelings and acceptance of that, unwelcome as it is. And your MIL needs to do that too, even if she doesn't realize it. If your child were 3 or older, or maybe even just 2, this would be a different equation. From your post, I trust that you will do this, in its own time, and will create the best situation for your child possible. You have already worked out a visitation schedule where your AXH sees the child frequently with no dissension. I believe that you will continue to figure out how to do this in the future.
But at one, a child truly does not understand a birthday party, so that is not the truth of what is at stake here. What is at stake is that you need to take the freedom to act on the truth of your life.
IMHO only, I don't think you have to swallow anything and behave any way that some one else thinks is "appropriate" ever, and especially not now. You get to walk your side of the street and do what is best for you.
ShootingStar1
Anvilhead, I hear you about your childhood and the abandonment and how much that picture meant to you, and I am so sorry that you suffered that. It is just tragic and painful and I am sorry for your loss.
Your point is well taken - it is much better for the child when the parents can cooperate in co-parenting for the welfare of the child, not for a show or to please somebody else. And this needs to be done in this situation, for the welfare of the baby.
I think the question is the timing. If I can presume, from reading your post, and forgive me if I am wrong, that picture of you with your parents at your infant birthday party became a pivot point for you for the rest of your life. It was the only reference you had to your father and to your parents' acting in your benefit, given your mother's denial and rage and subsequent refusal to acknowledge your father for the rest of your life.
I don't think that is the case here. I think Lillamy and Florence called it. Pookielou, it is your MIL who wants some semblance of normality, who wants to cover over the destruction that her AS has caused and make it appear "nice" even if only for an hour. She wants the experience - for you all, perhaps - of living life the way it should have been, could have been. And the pictures to prove it. It is bittersweet on her part, but it isn't real.
You guys are still in crisis. Your AXH has done things that are unbearable to you. The emotions and loyalties are so disturbed by his behavior.
I think that the key point here is not the baby's first birthday and the memory making opportunities of that event. It is that you have been abused, abandoned and damaged by the actions of your AXH. And more will come, because he soon will have another baby in the scene. Nobody's feelings have settled or resolved even at the most minimal level.
You can commit to working out whatever is the best for your child's welfare in the next year, in the next lifetime. You need time to endure the birth of your AXH's new baby, and sort out your feelings and acceptance of that, unwelcome as it is. And your MIL needs to do that too, even if she doesn't realize it. If your child were 3 or older, or maybe even just 2, this would be a different equation. From your post, I trust that you will do this, in its own time, and will create the best situation for your child possible. You have already worked out a visitation schedule where your AXH sees the child frequently with no dissension. I believe that you will continue to figure out how to do this in the future.
But at one, a child truly does not understand a birthday party, so that is not the truth of what is at stake here. What is at stake is that you need to take the freedom to act on the truth of your life.
IMHO only, I don't think you have to swallow anything and behave any way that some one else thinks is "appropriate" ever, and especially not now. You get to walk your side of the street and do what is best for you.
ShootingStar1
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it is your MIL who wants some semblance of normality, who wants to cover over the destruction that her AS has caused and make it appear "nice" even if only for an hour. She wants the experience - for you all, perhaps - of living life the way it should have been, could have been. And the pictures to prove it. It is bittersweet on her part, but it isn't real.
This is what it is. You have some role in it -- and that's yours to figure out -- but it's not your job to swallow all your pain and doubt so your mother-in-law can have a nice memory of what-ought-to-have-been.
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Join Date: May 2012
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And where is your serenity in this pseudo loving imaginary joint-still-together-in-a-way-family that wants a joint birthday party for a one year old that has no idea what a birthday party is?
Geez oh pete.
I can't believe anyone even suggested that you go forward with that super tense waste of an afternoon for you.
You take care of you!
There will be two birthdays forever for this child, might as well start right now.
You don't want anything to do with his side of the family, naturally!
Go forth with your own life, to thine own self be true!
And if you can find another person to babysit at some point, and get this family out of your house...I'd start thinking about that...and how to have him wait forevermore in the driveway, or at most, the foyer, for pickup and drop-off.
Separate this family from your life! It is yours!
Be civil always.
That's your only obligation to him and his family.
Geez oh pete.
I can't believe anyone even suggested that you go forward with that super tense waste of an afternoon for you.
You take care of you!
There will be two birthdays forever for this child, might as well start right now.
You don't want anything to do with his side of the family, naturally!
Go forth with your own life, to thine own self be true!
And if you can find another person to babysit at some point, and get this family out of your house...I'd start thinking about that...and how to have him wait forevermore in the driveway, or at most, the foyer, for pickup and drop-off.
Separate this family from your life! It is yours!
Be civil always.
That's your only obligation to him and his family.
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