Ixi

Hi everyone. I'm new here, brought by my alcoholic boyfriend's recent relapse and the fact that I can't talk to anyone about that because I would feel like I was betraying his trust.

BF and I have been happily together for about a year and a half. He is sweet, caring, and always there for me. About four months ago he was asked to resign from his job of nearly six years (unrelated to alcohol). As you can imagine, this was a huge blow to him. This wasn't just a job, it was his dream career, ever since he was a little kid. He also was following in the steps of his father and grandfather, so he felt like he was letting his whole family down by losing this job.

As he fell deeper into depression after losing his job, he started to drink. He has a family history of alcoholism, but in the previous year of our relationship he was just a social drinker, and his drinking was never a problem. But after he lost his job he would apparently spend all night drinking, getting angry, and throwing bottles against the wall. Complicating all of this is the fact that I go to school about an hour-hour and a half away from him so I didn't know about all of this for a long time.

He eventually told me when he was visiting and, because he was with me instead of alone and drinking, he began to have pretty severe withdrawal symptoms. After that weekend he told his parents about his problem and they took him to detox for about four days. When he got out of the treatment center he was completely different. It was like he was back to his old self and he seemed so committed to staying sober. He was eager to talk about his group sessions and his recovery, he brought his AA book along when he visited me, and he kept his 24 hours sober chip with him at all times, and told me how eager he was to get more. He even started exercising again and, for the first time, started to look for a new job. I told him how proud I was that he was getting help.

But a few weeks out of detox, I think he got complacent. I think he thought he could handle drinking casually again. I caught him coming home with a 6 pack one day, and he said he thought we could have a beer to celebrate the new cat that he adopted. I got upset, and he dumped all of the beers. The next week I begged him to go to an AA meeting (he hadn't since detox) and he said he would.

Fast forward to yesterday--he stopped responding to my texts after 8pm, and I couldn't get ahold of him today until 2:00pm. Around then, I got a bunch of texts from him in a row--"Baby, I drank last night." "I'm sorry." "I love you." "So much." I thanked him for telling me. Then he started to tell me the physical symptoms he was having after drinking again--he said he felt like he was dying, and his heart was beating out of his chest. Again, I am an hour and a half away. I told him he should go to urgent care, or at least call his nearby parents so they would know to keep an eye on him. He refused and refused, and said he was fine. He told me not to come visit him this weekend because he didn't want me to see him "in this crippled position." I told him if he didn't call his dad, I would. So I did, and told his parents what happened. They said they would go see him. I told him his parents were on the way, and he got very upset. He's now with his parents, so someone is keeping an eye on him. Once he told me he was safe with his parents, he said he was angry with me and has stopped talking to me.

I thought telling his parents was the right thing to do but now I'm thinking I've done something wrong--did I betray his trust by telling them? He told me he drank, when he could have lied about it and I would have never found out. I just feel like I never know what the right thing to do is, and I'm making every wrong move rather than being supportive and helping him in his recovery. It kills me every day that I can't be there for him because I'm at school. I especially hate it when I think he's lying to me and I accuse him of it--he thinks I don't trust him and he is hurt when I ask him. But to be honest, when it comes to alcohol, I don't trust him. But is this lack of trust more destructive than helpful? Where's the line between holding them accountable and destroying the trust? Any advice on supporting a recovering alcoholic?

BoxinRotz

He's not recovering if he's drinking. If he's drinking, there is no trust. If there's no trust, there's no relationship.

He's playing a guilt ridden blame game and it won't get better until he wants to 100% commit to his sobriety. There is NOTHING you can do to get him there.

NWGRITS

Before I made it even halfway through reading, this was already going to be my response. There is no trust in relationship with an A. They will do or say anything to protect their ability to drink. You can't betray something that doesn't exist.

Get educated about alcoholism and codependency, and seek out an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Read the stickies at the top of the forum. Keep reading here. Welcome to SR, but sorry you had to find us.

Ixi

I definitely understand what you guys are saying (how dare he make ME feel guilty when HE'S the one who made the decision to drink?). But I think what complicates it for me is the fact that he lost his job. I've been in "supportive girlfriend mode" for so long because of him losing his job that I think it was just a seamless transition to be supportive of his alcoholism, particularly because I didn't become aware of it until he was already seeking help.

Thanks for the responses. They've given me a lot to think about.

pinkdog

Hi Ixi, I think you did the right thing. Withdrawals can kill people. Since you were so far away and he would not get help. His parents being nearby. His parents having already helped him with detox. You did the right thing. One day he will realize it. Hugs to you.

Sunshine888

You did the right thing by calling his parents. When my AH goes through withdrawal, he more often than not will seize. It a very serious state and he should absolutely be under the watchful eye of someone. You never know how a person's health will be effected while going through withdrawal. Please, please know that you did the right thing.

nbay2013

I agree with all comments. There are two issues. That he might have been in danger from withdrawals or overdose; how would you know? My Ex-AB would constantly tell me symptoms he had but would not share with his friends/family or even a doctor. Now I know, it's because he wanted to keep his drinking a secret. It was a huge burden on me.

The other issue is that he does not yet buy into the fact that he is quickly developing a serious drinking problem. It can happen that fast. Self pity, deception, lies, denial, and blame are all symptoms of this. The more you refuse to keep secrets the better of you will be.

You did the right thing.

lizw

You checked out an al anon meeting yet?

Is a program similar to AA but for family members/friends of alcoholics.

Ixi

Liz--I've got a few places picked out, just have to figure out what works with my schedule.

I would just hate the idea of me going to a program (while working two jobs and going to school) but he hasn't been to a single one since detox. I can't do the recovering for him.

NWGRITS

I don't want to sound harsh, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, because I can guarantee he could care less about yours. Al-Anon is for YOU. It has nothing to do with him. Just like his choice to pursue sobriety (or not) has nothing to do with you. His choices are his choices. Stop hinging your behavior on what he does or how he feels. You're just setting yourself up for constant disappointment and a looooong ride on the crazy train.

Ixi

To be clear, I'm not hesitant because of what he'd think of it. I'm hesitant to be in a relationship where I'm putting more of an effort into his recovery than he is. THAT'S setting myself up for disappointment.

thislonelygirl

This is soooooooo true.
There has to be some sort of trust and respect to work.
If hes drinking....hes not really going anywhere ...recovery ..a program its nor going to do much
Im in a situation where I had to realize the above....
My relationship I would consider a joke. Considering I do NOT trust him....hes giving me no reason too. So how can it work without it. It cant. He can trust ke. Ive proved that but I cant him. One sided you see?
Also my hubs is In a outpatient program however he continues to use so the hamster wheeljust keeps spinning.
Honestly I would just be selfish and wirry about yourself (op)
And dont feel like your betraying him by talkimg about his drinking.
You arent protecting him ...your only protecting the disease.
Theres alot of you protecting him and you worrying about him and you catering to him and you supporting him.
Trust me on this....thats going to wear you down.
3 c's girl. You cant fix him. You arent a doctor.

NWGRITS

And that's classic codependency. You shouldn't be putting any effort into HIS recovery. It's none of your business. YOUR recovery is where YOUR focus needs to be. If you choose to stay, then you need to work on setting boundaries for when he is drinking. Where do you draw the line for protecting yourself? What are you going to do to bring yourself peace and serenity in the midst of chaos? When is enough, enough? His side of the street is his business and your side of the street is your business. Trying to cross over is going to do more harm than good. That's all we are saying here. You are focused on the wrong thing.

NWGRITS

He is still actively drinking, yes? Then file away what I said about his recovery for later, because it doesn't exist. If he's not actively working a program and staying sober (not drinking for two days is not sober), then he's going to keep drinking. White knuckling doesn't last forever. It's good that someone knew he was in trouble alone, but that's where YOUR involvement stops.

Seren

I wish I could tell you that you can 'help' him recover--you can't. I think encouraging him to do the next right thing is great!

This is a thread that helped me so much when I first found SR:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

As far as who to talk to about this or not--that is entirely your decision. Alcoholism and addiction thrive on secrecy. Entire families are terrorized and guilt-tripped into keeping the alcoholic's secret. Talk to whomever you choose. You have been just as affected by his drinking, and you get to decide what you need to do for your own peace and joy.

honeypig

Ixi, I don't know if this has been made totally clear yet--Aanon has almost nothing to do w/your A. It's not a program to help you get him sober. You don't have to worry about working harder on his recovery than he is b/c, as you realize, he has to do that for himself. (BTW, it's HUGE that you already realize that--many struggle w/that concept for a long time, wanting to fix/help/save)

It is a program totally for YOU, to help YOU in YOUR recovery. Whether you want to admit it or not (and I don't think most of us do), you have been messed up by living in this relationship too. We tend to think we are the "strong one", the "good one" in the relationship, holding things together, supporting, helping, etc. That usually turns out to be somewhat inaccurate....

I would strongly agree w/those who recommend Alanon. Try a half dozen different meetings (different groups on different days and times) to find the one that feels most like home to you. I would be surprised if you attended a few meetings and didn't feel that there would be some benefit in continuing to go, benefit for YOU as you go forward in your life, nothing to do w/getting or keeping your A sober. Please do consider this.

Also, please educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism. The more you know, the more you'll be able to identify the patterns of behavior and avoid being sucked into the craziness. Alanon is a great source of education, as are the stickies at the top of this section of the forum.

ETA: And if you know you just plain don't want to deal with alcoholic craziness and you want out of the relationship, then you should do exactly that. Again, as you realized, it is HIS issue to deal with, and you would not be wrong in any way to end things if that is what you feel.

Florence

One of the more painful things for me to accept was that the alcoholism thrived in the space we (friends and family) gave it. When I finally decided this would no longer be a part of my life, I was disappointed to find out that his family was willing to nurture his disease as long as it meant they could ignore all the rest of their problems too. His alcohlism has taken that shape now, and my presence in his life means little to him, since I won't enable him.

Which is to say that for an alcoholic "a trusted friend" is someone who will maintain the secret of their alcoholism at all costs.

A healthy person knows that keeping a friend in need safe despite their mental illness is not a betrayal of trust. Calling his parents was being a steward of that friendship. He won't see that because you're not protecting the integrity of his disease anymore. Don't even bother trying to explain yourself to him; he doesn't understand, and may never understand.

The program for you is not actually about him. It's about how to get yourself out from under this rock and how to stop making the kinds of life and relationship decisions that got you in an alcoholic relationship and believing alcoholic lies about you and your worth. That's a worthwhile goal, and I will say from experience that it has improved my life tenfold. It's not really about the alcoholic, or even alcoholism (it is, but). It's about developing the kind of life skills to avoid toxic people and draw boundaries around the things that you value so your life will no longer be touched by liars, manipulators, and mean people, while still remaining open to love and kindness and possibility.

peridotbleu

The fact that he has been to detox and recovery sessions and still thought he could drink reasonably or socially says that he is nowhere near ready to stop drinking. To the best of my knowledge, this is something that he will have to deal with the rest of his life. You may want to give that some serious thought before investing more of your time. This is a progressive disease that can get pretty ugly.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders! Educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism so that you can make good, sound decisions for your future. If you be in a relationship with a A, you will definitely want to get into an Alanon group!

lizw

Al anon is for you not him and is about you.

Obviously you're struggling with what is happening in your life right now and al anon maybe able to give u the tools to help you deal with it.

I've been a member of al anon for a while now and being in a relationship with an alcoholic got me in and while that relationship ended I still attend meetings, have a sponsor and consider myself a member. Have just joined a new group actually.

One of the best things I have ever learnt in al anon is that I have no control over another person - what they do and what they don't do. Part of my own illness is that I think I do and I had spent a good deal of my life trying to get others to do what I want so I can feel ok.

A sponsor I had in al anon often talks about being in the centre of a storm where it is calm and serene and this is what al anon gives me.

Don't think I am saying his behaviour is ok as I am not, what I am saying is ur beating a dead horse and hurting urself being so focused on it.

POAndrea

"I would just hate the idea of me going to a program (while working two jobs and going to school) but he hasn't been to a single one since detox."

TOTALLY understand this feeling! Isn't it frustrating to feel like you're the only one doing all the work when it isn't even your problem in the first place? Who WOULDN"T? Unfortunately, this resentment is just too dang poisonous to keep around, so please don't let it fester. (I still haven't quite figured out how to do this myself, or I'd let ya in on the secret. Still working on it though.)

As far as your abusing his trust: utter hogwash. He contacted you not because he wanted to "communicate" or "share" with you in any meaningful way, but because you were too far away to be able to actually do anything about the problems he reported. If he wanted someone to respond appropriately, he would have called his parents. But he didn't call them because he didn't want them to either call him on his behavior or stop by to evaluate his condition (if the truth be told, he probably wasn't detoxing when they got there, he was likely still drinking and didn't want anyone to come by and find out.)

And so it comes to this: do you really gives a rat's-tacular WHAT he wants when he is actively drinking? All you can do is let your conscience be your guide and do what you genuinely think is the right and best thing to do in a bad situation.