Vent needed
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Vent needed
Im too emotional to be dealing with this bs.
Last night I drug my feet around thd house tired. Planned to clean and do dishes before bed
Which our toddler was having a hard time getting to sleep to the point I fell asleep with her.im pregnant too by the way.
Now its the next morning (toddler apparently was sick and is sick so thats a reason she was difficult) I didnt clean right away waking up....talked with ah and watched a little tv.
Then ah goes on a rant ie quacking (hes sober...obviously wanting alcohol) and starts bashing the house being messy, my ability as a mother etc...
He asks if the house being a mess bothers me (in a p od' voice and attitude)
To which I respond "not enough to get mad about it.....its not a big deal im going to clean it anyways and it was clean yesterday aside from last night"
Oh boy....he snaps at me and then stomps around the house for the next hr.
Not only stomping but ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder.
After awhile of this tantrum I ask him if hes mad at me.
He responds "yes ....I am very mad at you! And I dont want to talk about it"
His attitude, his actions, his words and even lack thereof (ignoring me) makes me feel like utter crap. I actually started crying right next to him. He still maintained his attitude.
Ive dealt with this so many times sober and drunk but being pregnant my hormones are all over the place. Its not a good feeling.
I probably should have just let him act like a child and ignored him back
But hormones....I felt realllllllyyyyyy sad.
His communication (OUR communication) is so poor I wonder how were even able to have a conversation. Honestly though the fault lies with him.
I could communicate better too but its pointless at this stage if hes not really sober in a program. Its hair pulling worthy.hes suppose to start medication but hasnt happened.
Im pregnant wanting support and a partner who plans for the future and I can talk too and Im not getting that. Ah is in a program and is learning about communicating, coping, triggers, planning for future etc.
Things they talk about in his program . Ive been with him to his meetings so I know whats said and we talk about his therapy.
However its like getting the icing without the cake or vise versa since he is still drinking.
Its frustrating THEN ontop of it I like reality shows....
I cant watch my shows because they are a trigger. I like to watch the news....but to ah its a trigger. I like to go out for a jog or an event or to the movies but to ah its a trigger.
I like to to plan financially and make a budget but for ah....thats a trigger.
I like to tell ah about my day and gossip but sometimes ...its a trigger.
I like to vent my bad days to him ...again a trigger.
Going to the store ....a trigger..
Get togethers....a trigger.
Everything is a trigger ....I either deal with him quaking sober about what he doesnt like that I do or say or I hear him rant drunk.
If I talk about planning one of our kids birthdays...trigger.
The holidays. ...trigger.
Basically anything that would be related to drama (even if it has nothing to do with him example tv) even though he creates alot of drama for us and himself so it makes no sense.
Anything the has to do with others feelings towards him....even though he willrbe the first to tell you how HE feels.
Anything that has to do with money....
Even though hes terrible with it and not planning is a reason money has ever been a negative issue.
Anything about someone getting a promotion a new car etc
"Makes him feel bad cuz we cant get that"
If he could talk about money ....we could communicate financialy and plan for it.
It all comes to his drinking etc.
Its a crazy coaster because everything he whines about has a solution
Oh and he complains about me not being intimate with him or loving on him
He gets all boo boo hurt when im not
But 1. If you're being a a$$ .no I dont want to be loving to you.
And
2. When he drinks he smells like a mildew ashtray. Noooo thanks!
End of vent!
Last night I drug my feet around thd house tired. Planned to clean and do dishes before bed
Which our toddler was having a hard time getting to sleep to the point I fell asleep with her.im pregnant too by the way.
Now its the next morning (toddler apparently was sick and is sick so thats a reason she was difficult) I didnt clean right away waking up....talked with ah and watched a little tv.
Then ah goes on a rant ie quacking (hes sober...obviously wanting alcohol) and starts bashing the house being messy, my ability as a mother etc...
He asks if the house being a mess bothers me (in a p od' voice and attitude)
To which I respond "not enough to get mad about it.....its not a big deal im going to clean it anyways and it was clean yesterday aside from last night"
Oh boy....he snaps at me and then stomps around the house for the next hr.
Not only stomping but ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder.
After awhile of this tantrum I ask him if hes mad at me.
He responds "yes ....I am very mad at you! And I dont want to talk about it"
His attitude, his actions, his words and even lack thereof (ignoring me) makes me feel like utter crap. I actually started crying right next to him. He still maintained his attitude.
Ive dealt with this so many times sober and drunk but being pregnant my hormones are all over the place. Its not a good feeling.
I probably should have just let him act like a child and ignored him back
But hormones....I felt realllllllyyyyyy sad.
His communication (OUR communication) is so poor I wonder how were even able to have a conversation. Honestly though the fault lies with him.
I could communicate better too but its pointless at this stage if hes not really sober in a program. Its hair pulling worthy.hes suppose to start medication but hasnt happened.
Im pregnant wanting support and a partner who plans for the future and I can talk too and Im not getting that. Ah is in a program and is learning about communicating, coping, triggers, planning for future etc.
Things they talk about in his program . Ive been with him to his meetings so I know whats said and we talk about his therapy.
However its like getting the icing without the cake or vise versa since he is still drinking.
Its frustrating THEN ontop of it I like reality shows....
I cant watch my shows because they are a trigger. I like to watch the news....but to ah its a trigger. I like to go out for a jog or an event or to the movies but to ah its a trigger.
I like to to plan financially and make a budget but for ah....thats a trigger.
I like to tell ah about my day and gossip but sometimes ...its a trigger.
I like to vent my bad days to him ...again a trigger.
Going to the store ....a trigger..
Get togethers....a trigger.
Everything is a trigger ....I either deal with him quaking sober about what he doesnt like that I do or say or I hear him rant drunk.
If I talk about planning one of our kids birthdays...trigger.
The holidays. ...trigger.
Basically anything that would be related to drama (even if it has nothing to do with him example tv) even though he creates alot of drama for us and himself so it makes no sense.
Anything the has to do with others feelings towards him....even though he willrbe the first to tell you how HE feels.
Anything that has to do with money....
Even though hes terrible with it and not planning is a reason money has ever been a negative issue.
Anything about someone getting a promotion a new car etc
"Makes him feel bad cuz we cant get that"
If he could talk about money ....we could communicate financialy and plan for it.
It all comes to his drinking etc.
Its a crazy coaster because everything he whines about has a solution
Oh and he complains about me not being intimate with him or loving on him
He gets all boo boo hurt when im not
But 1. If you're being a a$$ .no I dont want to be loving to you.
And
2. When he drinks he smells like a mildew ashtray. Noooo thanks!
End of vent!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
vent away sweetie........
And the reason he could not get off his lazy ass and help his pregnant wife straighten up the house????
I so understand the it's all about ME, ME, ME, ( makes me want to puke) but I guess that's one of the traits of this awful disease.
Take the disease out of this equation and his still sound like a spoiled, rotten, selfish, bratty immature teenager.......
Sure hope you can find a way to detach from his nonsense.
Take care of you first, my friend.
And the reason he could not get off his lazy ass and help his pregnant wife straighten up the house????
I so understand the it's all about ME, ME, ME, ( makes me want to puke) but I guess that's one of the traits of this awful disease.
Take the disease out of this equation and his still sound like a spoiled, rotten, selfish, bratty immature teenager.......
Sure hope you can find a way to detach from his nonsense.
Take care of you first, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
"Last night I drug my feet around thd house tired. Planned to clean and do dishes before bed
Which our toddler was having a hard time getting to sleep to the point I fell asleep with her.im pregnant too by the way. "
Being pregnant and tired is a really really good reason to get yourself to bed and leave the cleaning and picking up, if not for him at least for later.
You most likely know this and would tell someone else.
Let him rant then go run a bubble bath and find yourself a good book.
Take care of you
Which our toddler was having a hard time getting to sleep to the point I fell asleep with her.im pregnant too by the way. "
Being pregnant and tired is a really really good reason to get yourself to bed and leave the cleaning and picking up, if not for him at least for later.
You most likely know this and would tell someone else.
Let him rant then go run a bubble bath and find yourself a good book.
Take care of you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thislonelygirl, how about a program for YOU? It sounds like it's all about him, and that's not right. There is no reason you should be limiting every single aspect of your life b/c it's a "trigger" for HIM. That is HIS problem, not yours.
I strongly recommend Alanon--you can find any number of threads here about it if you're curious as to the kind of benefits you can get.
Again, there is no reason your whole life should be wrapped up in HIS problems, and it surely sounds like it is...
I strongly recommend Alanon--you can find any number of threads here about it if you're curious as to the kind of benefits you can get.
Again, there is no reason your whole life should be wrapped up in HIS problems, and it surely sounds like it is...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thisLonelyGirl---he is not in recovery as he is still drinking. Even when he is technically not intoxicated--he still has the thinking--the disease is still in force.
I must say he sounds like a narcissistic, immature person.
In case this never gets any better--and I doubt it will (at least, not in the forseeable future) as he is not really in a program---you really need some support and need to help yourself. Especially since you are pregnant and have a toddler, to boot!!!!!
I would suggest that you get to alanon as soon as you can line it up--there you will find other women who understand and will support you. There will be those who have walked in your shoes. You could use an additional counselor during this time, if you don't already have one. You need to get momma strong for the upcoming delivery and baby!
I think going to him for support is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. Useless. Try to detach from his behavior as much as humanly possible while still in the same house. You will learn lots of tools in alanon.
My dear, you will h ave to be proactive for yourself.
dandylion
I must say he sounds like a narcissistic, immature person.
In case this never gets any better--and I doubt it will (at least, not in the forseeable future) as he is not really in a program---you really need some support and need to help yourself. Especially since you are pregnant and have a toddler, to boot!!!!!
I would suggest that you get to alanon as soon as you can line it up--there you will find other women who understand and will support you. There will be those who have walked in your shoes. You could use an additional counselor during this time, if you don't already have one. You need to get momma strong for the upcoming delivery and baby!
I think going to him for support is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. Useless. Try to detach from his behavior as much as humanly possible while still in the same house. You will learn lots of tools in alanon.
My dear, you will h ave to be proactive for yourself.
dandylion
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Thanks everyone.
I know this is HIS problem. I have to constantly remind myself of that.
I was doing good with detaching and then now with this pregnancy and everything else going on I feel like im back tracking. Its a huge struggle because even though I know what I should do and I know how alcoholism is.. having lived with it but I crave that relationship. Even mote so that im emotional.
I knew that he was being a jerk and had no justification to be mad at me or acting the way he was. He wasnt even 1 percent in the right but it still hurts regardless.
I know this is HIS problem. I have to constantly remind myself of that.
I was doing good with detaching and then now with this pregnancy and everything else going on I feel like im back tracking. Its a huge struggle because even though I know what I should do and I know how alcoholism is.. having lived with it but I crave that relationship. Even mote so that im emotional.
I knew that he was being a jerk and had no justification to be mad at me or acting the way he was. He wasnt even 1 percent in the right but it still hurts regardless.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
So he drank tonight and thennnnnn he wants to talk about this morning.
Which he tried justifying. W.e .
About how I should be devistated and mortified if theres a mess. Given there was some of toddlers snack last night on the floor which I picked up in the morning when I realized still....im not one to cry over spilled milk and since im the one who cleans and takes care of kids and I DO do it. Even if theres a mess. Houses get messy with people living in them plus small kids plus an alcoholic plus being pregnant ontop of everything together. He admitted to still drinking while denying having drank tonight. I dont care. I did my own thing. Yay me! Anyhow he came back 20 mins later and apologized. Means nothing ....probably trying to manipulate me since his apology came with defending his attemps at recovery. Blah blah blah!
Thanks again everyone!!!
Which he tried justifying. W.e .
About how I should be devistated and mortified if theres a mess. Given there was some of toddlers snack last night on the floor which I picked up in the morning when I realized still....im not one to cry over spilled milk and since im the one who cleans and takes care of kids and I DO do it. Even if theres a mess. Houses get messy with people living in them plus small kids plus an alcoholic plus being pregnant ontop of everything together. He admitted to still drinking while denying having drank tonight. I dont care. I did my own thing. Yay me! Anyhow he came back 20 mins later and apologized. Means nothing ....probably trying to manipulate me since his apology came with defending his attemps at recovery. Blah blah blah!
Thanks again everyone!!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Oh sweetheart. I just want to plonk that overgrown man-child upside the head with a 2x4. For alcoholics, merely existing is a trigger, so stop beating yourself up over it. What are you doing to create a serene environment for yourself and your children? I grew up in an A home, so my heart breaks every time I hear of children in the home with active drinking. It's so damaging to every fiber of their being. Please take care of them and yourself. (((Hugs)))
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by NWGRITS 
Oh sweetheart. I just want to plonk that overgrown man-child upside the head with a 2x4. For alcoholics, merely existing is a trigger, so stop beating yourself up over it. What are you doing to create a serene environment for yourself and your children? I grew up in an A home, so my heart breaks every time I hear of children in the home with active drinking. It's so damaging to every fiber of their being. Please take care of them and yourself. (((Hugs)))
I am always concerned about my children two with one on the way.
My point exactly though....everything I do or dont do is a trigger. Its frustrating constantly hearing the rant ......he actually has the nerve to tell me my responsibility in his problem.
Im going to be myself and live and act as normally as possible..
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
this,
I remember those days so.very.well.
Actually, they still exist except I don't have toddlers anymore, teens....
I still have my A buy the way.
I just want to give you ((hugs)) . If he is anything like mine, your A isn't going to change his mind about the condition of the house. He is there to help make a mess, complain about it and have you p/u after him. I don't know if mommy catered to him or what, but when I stand back and look at a room after he's been in it... never mind.
hugs to you , keep being a wonderful mother to your children.!!
I remember those days so.very.well.
Actually, they still exist except I don't have toddlers anymore, teens....
I still have my A buy the way.
I just want to give you ((hugs)) . If he is anything like mine, your A isn't going to change his mind about the condition of the house. He is there to help make a mess, complain about it and have you p/u after him. I don't know if mommy catered to him or what, but when I stand back and look at a room after he's been in it... never mind.
hugs to you , keep being a wonderful mother to your children.!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by hisimage48
this,
I remember those days so.very.well.
Actually, they still exist except I don't have toddlers anymore, teens....
I still have my A buy the way.
I just want to give you ((hugs)) . If he is anything like mine, your A isn't going to change his mind about the condition of the house. He is there to help make a mess, complain about it and have you p/u after him. I don't know if mommy catered to him or what, but when I stand back and look at a room after he's been in it... never mind.
hugs to you , keep being a wonderful mother to your children.!!
I remember those days so.very.well.
Actually, they still exist except I don't have toddlers anymore, teens....
I still have my A buy the way.
I just want to give you ((hugs)) . If he is anything like mine, your A isn't going to change his mind about the condition of the house. He is there to help make a mess, complain about it and have you p/u after him. I don't know if mommy catered to him or what, but when I stand back and look at a room after he's been in it... never mind.
hugs to you , keep being a wonderful mother to your children.!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
Houses get messy with people living in them...
My AH did the dishes yesterday. He use to bitch if he did them drunk but he did them because I was sick and he wasn't drunk. He is NOT allowed to do the laundry but he swept the floor. I've been sick and I don't care what the house looks like. I didn't care what the house looked like after his accident. I could not find the energy to go to the store for food much less cook it and then clean on top of it. I was just breathing, working and at his bedside at that time of my life. It's a house and by God, it's lived in! If no one likes it, DON'T COME OVER ANYMORE! But really, there is no reason why he can't help you. I don't care if he works 40 hours a week. He lives there too. Your work week as a Mother never ends.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
This,
I agree, when it comes to critics, they are not hard to find. I suppose what hurt me most about my A critic is that he was supposed to be "my safety net" not put me down. I was dog tired and just couldn't follow through on what he needed. In the back of my mind I think I was just frozen with fear. Fear that I would never be good enough anyway. And, I wasn't. My goodness the days went by so fast with having those toddlers. By the time he came home I did have dinner and the house was semi picked up. I pretended that "oh, spending time with the kiddos is so much more important" and it really was, I just on the inside was kicking my azz because I couldn't be perfect like his mother and his friends wives.
I don't know if it would have ever been right. There were times that he would loudly "help" banging the closet to get to the vacuum, clank dishes as he was washing them. He then would announce how, sometimes you just gotta clean the kitchen right.
I'm not trying to steal your thunder, I just want you to know you don't have to focus on this. It won't be good enough because A's just gotta have a reason to argue. Mine knew my weak point was this, implying that I wasn't good enough, even though I was a stay at home mom.
Be well,
I agree, when it comes to critics, they are not hard to find. I suppose what hurt me most about my A critic is that he was supposed to be "my safety net" not put me down. I was dog tired and just couldn't follow through on what he needed. In the back of my mind I think I was just frozen with fear. Fear that I would never be good enough anyway. And, I wasn't. My goodness the days went by so fast with having those toddlers. By the time he came home I did have dinner and the house was semi picked up. I pretended that "oh, spending time with the kiddos is so much more important" and it really was, I just on the inside was kicking my azz because I couldn't be perfect like his mother and his friends wives.
I don't know if it would have ever been right. There were times that he would loudly "help" banging the closet to get to the vacuum, clank dishes as he was washing them. He then would announce how, sometimes you just gotta clean the kitchen right.
I'm not trying to steal your thunder, I just want you to know you don't have to focus on this. It won't be good enough because A's just gotta have a reason to argue. Mine knew my weak point was this, implying that I wasn't good enough, even though I was a stay at home mom.
Be well,
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I agree boxinrotz
I dont mind cleaning etc actually I prefer it considering if I do it it gets done fast and the right way.
However the times hes been sober and helped by oh I dont know....folding laundry were very nice.
I just dont see the point in getting all hot and bothered by a mess when the majority of the time the house is cleaned (ive seen dirty and the dirty he complains about is the normal kind)but he just wants to drink and complain about it..not do anything.
This in the past was a major issue with his drinking.not because he didnt help but because he didnt help complained and still drank. There was a huge argument that incurred between me and mil because of his quacking and blame game where he actually would tell his mother how lazy I was and how I never cleaned (he sure doesnt so ide like to know how the house is cleaned if I dont) btw he tried saying he drank because of that. Mil believed him went off on me and even did so infront of my family at one point.
Things with mil got better but to answer HISIMAGE48 his mother has and does cater to him...blames others aside from him. Shes gotten better but there were alot of issues about how she would attack me and excuse ah's behavior. Even at one point saying I was the crazy one. Thankfully the relationship between her and I isnt as strained.
I dont mind cleaning etc actually I prefer it considering if I do it it gets done fast and the right way.
However the times hes been sober and helped by oh I dont know....folding laundry were very nice.
I just dont see the point in getting all hot and bothered by a mess when the majority of the time the house is cleaned (ive seen dirty and the dirty he complains about is the normal kind)but he just wants to drink and complain about it..not do anything.
This in the past was a major issue with his drinking.not because he didnt help but because he didnt help complained and still drank. There was a huge argument that incurred between me and mil because of his quacking and blame game where he actually would tell his mother how lazy I was and how I never cleaned (he sure doesnt so ide like to know how the house is cleaned if I dont) btw he tried saying he drank because of that. Mil believed him went off on me and even did so infront of my family at one point.
Things with mil got better but to answer HISIMAGE48 his mother has and does cater to him...blames others aside from him. Shes gotten better but there were alot of issues about how she would attack me and excuse ah's behavior. Even at one point saying I was the crazy one. Thankfully the relationship between her and I isnt as strained.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Hi Lonelygirl. I would be so tempted to let him see what a dirty house REALLY looks like. Yours barely sounds messy, and certainly not dirty.
Just take care of yourself and the kids as much as you can. I'm Sorry you've got to deal with this.
Just take care of yourself and the kids as much as you can. I'm Sorry you've got to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Ignore his comments about house cleaning, Lonelygirl. It is just bunch of quacking and it is quacking especially because you are pregnant. You are the one who should get care and attention, not his royal majesty butt.
When alcoholics want to poke and start an argument, they know exactly which buttons to push. I get criticized for (not) washing the dishes (because, as he says, I do not know how) only because loooong time ago I told him that that was the only chore I hated. And he really took that one seriously. You see, for him, there is a procedure. Once you wash the dishes, you cannot leave the plates in the rack to dry, but you have to leave them on a towel. Once I realized that this dishwashing torture of his and perfectionism were just another symptom of disease, I simply stopped caring about his criticism. I recommend you do the same. Do not argue with him. He most probably wants it so he can take all his little alcoholic frustrations on you. Let him pout. If he ignores you, he is actually doing you a huge favor. I used to hate it, but now I looove when my AH goes to bedroom and stays there for days. Then he slams the door, makes spitting sound, cusses, is trying to annoy just to make me fight.
Just imagine that you have two toddlers in the house instead of one.
When alcoholics want to poke and start an argument, they know exactly which buttons to push. I get criticized for (not) washing the dishes (because, as he says, I do not know how) only because loooong time ago I told him that that was the only chore I hated. And he really took that one seriously. You see, for him, there is a procedure. Once you wash the dishes, you cannot leave the plates in the rack to dry, but you have to leave them on a towel. Once I realized that this dishwashing torture of his and perfectionism were just another symptom of disease, I simply stopped caring about his criticism. I recommend you do the same. Do not argue with him. He most probably wants it so he can take all his little alcoholic frustrations on you. Let him pout. If he ignores you, he is actually doing you a huge favor. I used to hate it, but now I looove when my AH goes to bedroom and stays there for days. Then he slams the door, makes spitting sound, cusses, is trying to annoy just to make me fight.
Just imagine that you have two toddlers in the house instead of one.
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