13unluckyforsom

I keep reading stuff like 'I'm sorry this happened to you' or 'don't be so hard on yourself' etc etc when someone has a drink who didn't intend to. I know I've said it to people myself lol but this is what I've realised the past few days and I'm not trying to make anyone see things my way but if you look at it from a different perspective - things don't just 'happen to you' with regards to drinking - it doesn't jump into your hand and throw itself down your throat - you have to consciously decide to take that action. What I'm saying is that if you take some responsibility for your own actions you might get on better. That's all. I mean this in a helpful way - if your a person who's thought process works like mine then you will 'get' this - if not then I'm not here for a debate or who can pull the most psychologically clever sentence out the hat to argue against what I'm saying. I'm just saying lol some people need to stop being so nice to themselves. This demon drink is killing you slowly! And you want to be all sympathetic about it.

Anna

My purpose in saying 'Don't be so hard on yourself' or 'Be kind to yourself' is from my own experience. I was horrible to myself when I drank and I would be so hard on myself, that I would turn to drinking again. It was a ridiculous cycle. I would never suggest someone not take responsibility for drinking, but I think that forgiving yourself is essential to recovering.

soberhawk

Most people will at times have weak moments, but we can also be a little thoughtful of whether we are a little prepared when that happens.

It is just not very helpful to feel bad about the past, it is more about how we handle the present.

13unluckyforsom

Yeah I definitely say forgive yourself - Ofcourse - being kind to yourself is number one - I don't think anyone should beat their-self up but don't be lackadaisical and blasé about drinking because the nature of the drinker is that any excuse is a good excuse.

Basically don't set yourself up going into abstaining from alcohol with too much room to move lol do you know what I mean? Tough love almost with yourself?

foolsgold66

Yes, I would be kicking my own ass harder than anyone else ever could. I think my general idea is to convey sympathy to the slippers and encourage them to try again.

jkb

I completely understand what you are saying. I was a "chronic relapser" until one day I "relapsed" and then realized that did not happen to me.... I chose it and I could choose not to do it also.

It is always a choice.

jazzfish

It's definitely a balancing act. Most people coming here initially need lots of support and sympathy and it is right to give it to them. However, I have also seen the unconditional support go so far that people could do no wrong. Even though the latter has typically been the exception, it is something to keep an eye on.

13unluckyforsom

This is sort of what I mean - like sometimes I see it as almost getting to the stage where people are being 'killed with kindness' basically. It's def a balancing act. I know myself the day I stopped drinking - sorry the day I decided to stop drinking was a Friday but due to not being able to get the correct medical attention on the Friday that I'd decided to quit I had to wait till the Monday to get medical help - anyway - I was sooooo freakin sad and low and I was desperate - I wanted out and one way or another it was happening. I was lucky and I know I was that I had a bit of support - I know not everyone has and this place and kindness and all the rest of it has its place in that support but 'responsibility' that's all. Lol it's all I'm trying to say. It's serious. Take it as such. It's life and death ultimately.

13unluckyforsom

You can have all the support in the world but if you haven't took responsibility for yourself and your actions then it doesn't matter if there's a dam parade of support matching round your house - you won't do it till you decide to.

ReadyAtLast

I understand and your whole post sounds as if you would relate to reading Rational Recovery about AVRT if you've not already

I think if people drink, hate themselves and beat themselves up,then come on here and we do the same to them they'd disappear pretty quickly.For me, it is definietly about personal responsibility but also being kind and helping people start again, not feeling bad.

some people have the amazing ability and manage to post with just the right balance -supportive, kind, not judgmental yet saying it didn't just happen but pick your self up and start again and think about what you'll do differently next time. It's not easy

13unluckyforsom

This post is in a way me realising myself what I am doing and how it will work for me. If its not resonating with you then - walk away - I'm just saying how I see it maybe if someone reads it and it clicks with them then that's awesome too.

phoebe64

Well, I slipped last Saturday after 8 days, and if not for the support and kindness I got here, I would have finished that open bottle the next night. I did not. I chose it, I did it, and I came right there and admitted it. But the support and encouragement helps me keep going.

I do not come here for support, understanding, ideas on how to keep sober and keep working on it. I appreciate it a great deal.

Just another perspective.

13unluckyforsom

That's the thing - I've not read it - I've done the crash course and it clicked for me. But I felt like one day I was posting here and was being supportive to people and then I was like - my whole mindset had changed and I almost didn't know how to speak to people anymore on this board - I'd changed and I know it sounds flipping crazy lol I know it does but it was almost instant! I feel like I'm posting this maybe as an explanation as to why I'm not chirping along anymore - It's not because who I was to start was a fake - I genuinely thought that the things I was saying was helping people. But when I examined my own thinking I was saying to people and to myself for example 'it's a disease and you don't recover from it overnight' 'your might slip up and that's ok' but seriously? Is it flipping ok?!!! Lol no it's not - it was killing me - slow daily suicide is how I describe what I was doing to myself. And that made me so sad when I thought of it like that.

Why, essentially why would be the bit where I insert said excuse of trauma etc but trauma doesn't shove that drink down my throat. I do. I consciously decide to inflict MORE pain on myself in the name of said trauma - cos that makes sense. To make a bad life worse by turning into a drunk.

TexasMichael

Good thread, 13!

Nicely sums up the way I've been thinking lately.

GracieLou

There was time early on when I looked at others that did not get it and it made me feel superior. Maybe I was smarter or quicker. Maybe I had less problems then they did. Maybe I could get over it faster, I did not let my emotions get the best of me like they did. I was doing it! I understood.

I discovered that was far from the truth. What it came down to is I was still selfish. I was wrapped up in myself and it was all about me.

I have seen others that have failed yet I turned away instead of towards them. I don't think compassion was something I ever had. I think it comes naturally for some, not for me, at least it felt that way. It was like I had to work at it. I was so hard and rough for so long that caring for others was something I had to learn all over again or maybe for the first time.

Now that I have been sober for a while and people around me have failed, I feel compassion for them. I want to lift them up the way others lifted me up. Helping them, keeps me sober because it keeps me thinking about others and not just myself. It directs my thinking away from my self centered ego that only cares about what I want or what I need.

I am not great at it yet, but I am making progress. I hope someday I can be as compassionate and sympathetic as others were for me.

Leshar

Thanks, GracieLou, excellent post!
I think you're pretty "great at it"!

13unluckyforsom

I see what your saying here but that's not what I'm like - I'm not saying any of this to scoff at anyone who doesn't see things the way I do - honestly that's not me or anything like what I'm about - I see the good in everyone to my own detriment sometimes - if this was about me putting people down I just wouldn't have bothered opening my mouth. If I wanted to mock anyone I just wouldn't bother logging in - I wouldn't open myself up to that lol it's just not of any worth to me - I said at the start this was basically me just saying if you can identify with what I'm saying then that's great - I'm just basically trying to say what's working for me. Basically like everyone does here only I felt like I should explain a bit because if you search my posts it's like two different people - anyways coffee is calling

Dee74

I absolutely agree that personal responsibility is key

I think you can deliver some straight talking with some compassion tho - after all, we know what it's like....

I know I often 'played down' a relapse, not because I didn't take it seriously but because I was absolutely terrified of how serious it was.

A few kind words in amongst the truth won't hurt IMO.

D

13unluckyforsom

I'm not saying be brutally honest to anyone's downfall - not at all - I'd never intentionally say something to hurt anyone or bring anyone down - I think as abusers of our own body and minds we do that quite enough to ourselves - I'm simply saying that this isn't all about sympathy and on the other extreme it's not about apathy either but in the middle I guess everyone has to take their own responsibility seriously to help themselves.

misspond

Surely we all know though? We've done the online tests? We didn't get a straight answer and then we came here and asked. Here we got answers, we just have to be brave enough to read them correctly.