It it wrong?

Old 09-11-2013, 12:10 PM
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It it wrong?

My AH has left us in yet another many messes. I was so proud of myself for filing charges the other day, and the police call me back today to tell me that I can't press charges because my 12 year old daughter gave her dad her MAC Card - so he had permission. UUGGHH.

My house goes up for Sheriff's Sale exactly 1 week from today.

My AH has left and decided that he will have NO CONTACT, so I'm on my own.

My mother stopped talking to me because she's married to an alcoholic (my dad) and is the perfect codependent - when I agree to what she says, she will then have a relationship with me.

I don't have enough money to make it thru this week - and I don't get paid until the end of the month.

That's just today....am I wrong for wanting to go check myself in somewhere? I have never felt so alone, emotionally and physically exhausted, and I don't know if I can breath just one more minute.

I'm going to meetings, I've reached out to friends, I've contacted my counselor, I've contacted my pastor....and yet here I sit alone. I need to do something to take care of me...and I don't know what. Am I a failure if I just can't do this anymore? Our addicts get to go to rehab to recover - when do I get to recover.
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:15 PM
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You are not alone!
There is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed. You (we) are dealing with a lot.

About the house - I was there, we had our notice the house was going to be sold. I don't know about where you are, but if you are actively tryign to sell the house yourself, they can't sell it out from under you here. We managed to sell the house.

You are a bit ahead of me though, I still live with AH and he is draining the funds, and we are sinking again in the new house.

Does your 12 year old live with ou?
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Old 09-11-2013, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by rcutch View Post
Am I a failure if I just can't do this anymore?
No. Not at all. THAT is right where you WANT to be.

Look see at step 1:

1. We admitted we were powerless over a_______ - that our lives had become unmanageable.

You fit that better than most anyone I know right now.

Our addicts get to go to rehab to recover - when do I get to recover.
Have joked that rehab seems like a nice little vacation, myself.

But as far as WHEN for you?

Whenever YOU say so. Is it time, yet?

I see your join date is 2005. Is that correct?
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Old 09-11-2013, 03:18 PM
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Ann
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It may seem like the end of the world right now, but sweetie I promise you it won't be this bad forever.

You need to be strong for your daughter, maybe ask your mother to help you right now. It may be humbling to do that, but you need to eat and keep a roof over your head. You may be surprised how much your mother will help when you are ready to let go of what is dragging you down.

Hugs
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Old 09-11-2013, 04:06 PM
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It is NOT the end of the world and you MOST DEFINITELY are NOT a failure.

It takes courage to step out of dysfunctional patterns-----and showing that courage makes those who do not have it......uncomfortable.
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Old 09-11-2013, 04:19 PM
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Thanks to all of you! I managed to pull myself together and watch my 12 year old run in her first cross country meet. I then took her and her sister (15) out to dinner. I know that we couldn't afford it - but it's as close as I will get to being pampered.

As much as I would love to ask my mom for help, she will lay a guilt trip on me. The hurt I experienced today was not only that of the spouse of an addict, but the pain of an abandoned child. We spent our childhood pretending that life was grand and had to make sure no one in our family knew what we were going thru - what would they say. I realized today that I was never allowed to be emotional - I was ignored until I behaved exactly how they wanted me to. The people who are supposed to love me the most abandoned me when I needed them the most. I have been robbed of my emotions - and I don't know what to do

My AH was clean for over 5 years - I have to let that go, he's not clean now, and he doesn't want this relationship. I'm struggling with the fact that I was always there to pick him up - and he's not interested in helping me. Talk about reality.
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Old 09-12-2013, 05:17 AM
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It is horrible to know that something can have such a power over a person, that they are willing to throw everything away.

Your AH is in a really dark place. Remember that it is no fault of yours, it is no flaw in your character, it is not because you didn't try, didn't care. Remember too that it is not because what you did for him was not good enough that he is unable to recipricate when you are down and out. It is because he is completely controlled by his addiction right now. If he can come to another moment of clarity, perhaps he can navigate back into the light, but you nor anyone else can get him there if he doesn't choose to go.
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Old 09-12-2013, 06:06 AM
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I am so sorry for what is happening to you right now.. It is terribly painful.

Like you, my family of origin is part of the problem that led me to choose my XAH - it seemed so familiar to me. Oops.

So I have discovered that we can make our own families.

There are many resources for women and children in your situation. I'd suggest reaching out to the domestic violence people in your area and they can put you in touch with many resources to help you immediately and to help you long term. You might pick a church, if you don't have one, and talk with the pastor and link into their resources. So many people out there are ready to help you and your kids, even if its not your husband or mother.

I think of it as "paying it forward". Many of these people who give to us when we are in such need have been there themselves and been helped from the most unlikely directions, and have made it out. They want to give back, and they understand who you are and what you need and want to meet those needs. Someday, you can "pay it forward", and that day will come.

Here's a thought - - Think of this like the beginning of a diet which is the only time I have ever really wanted to admit how heavy I had gotten or how many inches I was around. But doing it then made the weight loss all the sweeter because I could say exactly how far forward I had come. 32 pounds and counting!

Life is a bit like that, too. You have the lows, and they make the highs even higher and better. You will get there. And, with your insight that part of the problem is your childhood abandonment, you are ready to deal with the whole gestalt of what happened to you that choosing the man you did felt familiar and okay. For me, surviving the crisis of my sudden life change was the first focus, but underneath that has been a rewarding - and challenging - journey toward better emotional health and better future choices.

This is the low point.

It will get better.

Take care, many hugs to you,

ShootingStar1
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Old 09-13-2013, 06:31 AM
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rcutch

"Our addicts get to go to rehab to recover - when do I get to recover"

I have been thinking alot about this lately, no obsessing.... I totally agree. Where are we? We are left here to fin for our selves eventually, whether they go to rehab or not.

I wish I had advice for you.... I don't.... But I am with you and send all my love!

My house is going to auction next week. Thank God I was not on the mortgage.... He was. So after all the legalities he is left with it... I was lucky. I stashed money and got out in april.

This may be of no help. But I don't know what state you live in but, check your laws on foreclosure. I know that my house is in Ok. Where even after the auction. who ever buys the house must serve eviction notice to you if you do not "willingly" leave. I no that may be not much comfort but, It may buy you some time. Call an attorney if you have on. Most will advice you the first time for free....

I am sorry ((((hugs))))

Stay in touch. Let us know. You have been on my mind all night....
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