MaxxPower

Hello,

Has anyone ever experienced this?

I met her about 7 months ago when I was still drinking heavily.

When I was in the hospital on and off near the end of my drinking she sat by my side the whole time.

I'm now a little over a month into my sober life. She doesn't really drink in the first place so alcohol is never around anymore.

I don't know what to do..? I'm worried I may start to drink if I let her go. She has helped me ALLOT the last month.

And I don't wanna break her heart, sex isn't even close to as good when I was drinking. Could never tell her that

feeling selfish..

trikyriky

Tell her , if you don't have feelings for her. It wouldn't be fair to her , to continue, and not tell her . Then she can choose . I think you know what you have to do

Tr

ImperfectlyMe

I won't discount your feelings because they are your feelings and they are totally real. Whst I will do is share a story with you and you can take whàt you need from it.

I got sober 5 months ago. Between months 1-3 I actually felt physically and mentally unattracted to my husband (God forgive me) the thought of being touch I'm taking hand holding back rub made my skin crawl let alone anything remotely sexual! I was so freaked out that maybe I didn't love this man anymore after being together since I was 23. Now 35

Truth was it wasn't him it was me! Honestly there wouldn't have been a person in the world I would have wanted to get close to me. You are healing mentally and things you feel now may change rather quickly.

If your girlfriend is good support don't rush to send her packing just yet if the attraction isn't there. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you and your sobriety.

Blackcat11

Learn to love her---you can do that you know. She may have saved your life and now you don't want to "break her heart" because the sex isn't as good---try giving to her the same that she gave to you and it will work out in ways that you never dreamed it could! Just my thought anyway

Good luck with this

lorelei

after 4 weeks your emotions can still be very raw and muddled...I wouldn't make any major decisions while you're still adjusting to a sober life....

Janis

I'm early on in recovery and can only share what I have heard. "People get weird in early recovery. Try not to make any radical changes or big decisions for a while." I'm finding that I might not really like the closest friend that I have been around for the last 20 years but I cannot discount that it could be me. I'm far from right in the head at this point after all the damage I've done from drinking.

Best of luck in finding your path!

Anna

I think it's good advice to not rush into a decision about this.

Focus on your recovery and let a little time go by before you make a definitive decision.

jesternudder

I think imperfectlyme has a good point. Maybe it's too soon to make that call since you are still adjusting to being sober.
I am very new to sobriety but am a bit apprehensive about the future physical side of things with my partner and worried if I will miss the lack of inhibition that alcohol gave me - I guess a lack of confidence issue.

Dollyangel17

I agree with Imperfectly...The idea of sexual relations with my hubby almost nauseated me:-(....for no apparent reason. I love him so much. I am at 4 1/2 months, and it's not like that anymore (although not completely back to normal, but better).

Try not to rush into any decisions yet.

Jeni26

You are very early in sobriety. Heck, my emotions were all over the place after a month!

My advice would be not to make any rushed decisions based on how you feel at the moment. Feelings and moods can change so quickly during the first few months.

Focus on your sobriety and the rest will just fall into place x

Nuudawn

I'm with all those who are of the mind that "these are early days" and really, your decision to stay sober day after day is the only thing you need to commit to. Yes, you may find that you have no connection with this woman in sobriety..BUT ..you may not. It is far too early to assess anything really. I think it is fair to share your feelings as honestly (and as kindly and sensitively) as you can with your gf. Let her know you don't know where your head or your feelings are at right now and all you can focus on is recovery. Recovery really can be "all consuming"...especially in the early days.

Sulu1

I echo the sentiments of everyone else here. I'm two weeks sober and emotionally all over the place atm, swinging like America in the 1930s!

Maybe take a bit of time to think about it more. This girl sounds like she has helped you so much, I'd advise against rushing to any decisions.

Eleni58

Sex always SEEMS better when drunk. But really, it's not!

BLKDIESEL

Some very advice given here, so I don't want to be the echo, but give it time and focus on what is really important at this juncture...your sobriety

foolsgold66

I could make a really funny joke but this isn't the right forum for it.

She sounds perfect to me.

Give it time. You may not really know her very well yet, have you thought about that?

GracieLou

I agree it is early and I do understand.

I have a friend that lives down the street. We were actually engaged 22 years ago but broke up. Four years ago we hooked up again and life was grand until you put two active alcoholics under the same roof so it fell apart again. I pined for two years about him and left myself open only for him not that any other self respecting man would want my alcoholic ass but anyway.

I quit drinking but he still drinks. At about the 2/3 month mark I could not even see what I ever saw in him. Not 22 years ago and not 4 years ago. I finally let him go and everything got much better.

Now we are still friends. We talk about once a week and I pray for him everyday. The other day he stopped over, half drunk, and brought me some flowers he cut in his yard. They were all cut real short, there was a paper towel in the bottom of the water/miracle grow* filled mug but they smelled real nice and I was a little down that day so it cheered me up. So I saw why I liked him at one point. He can be a real sweetie. Now I don't want a relationship with him anymore but I can see a quality he has that I was attracted to.

I guess my point is to wait as others have suggested. You may feel later down the road.



* Why he put miracle grow in a vase of cut flowers? I have no clue.

LillianGish

I have found that how I feel about myself, often gets reflected to my husband. If I'm feeling crummy about myself, or otherwise out of sorts, for some reason I start blaming him. Poor guy because I know it confuses him.

I'm not a psychologist, but I think that's called projection.

Maybe her presence is reminding you of a bad time in the hospital, how low things got...or worse, your subconscience worries about what she thinks of you.

Also, some people end relationships when their self-worth is low.....when they feel the other person is close to figuring out them out. "I'll end it before they do, so I don't have to feel so bad."

I don't know if you are in this category, but I can tell you that most people are attracted to someone not for who the other person is or isn't....but how they make you feel.

I hope you aren't in any of these boats....especially feeling low about yourself because you shouldn't. You've had a major accomplishment getting sober!

Notmyrealname

Is sex drive kaput, or just not there for her?

Might be some anhedonia -- is common symptom in recovery. For most it fades over time.

Anhedonia in Recovery

MaxxPower

Thanks everyone,

After reading all of this I'm going to give this relationship more time.

I've acted like a pretty big ***** around her in the past while drinking.

Surprised that she still wants to be with me after all of this.

I owe her one.