I know that I am not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
I know that I am not alone.
Hi,
I am a sober alcoholic since April 2007. I drank for a long time. I got drunk the first time at 12-13 years old and finally had enough at 37. I met a man in the rooms a year later (after divorcing my ex husband) and although we separated for a year due to circumstances involving drugs (his) we have lived together for 5 years. There is no doubt in my mind that I love this person. He is my companion, best friend, lover, partner. He is also an addict, an active addict. His DOC is varied. He has chronic back pain so there is dilaudid, lately he has been taking off on coke binges. He smokes morphine patches.... He is in deep. It has taken a while to get there but he is down in a hole. So what do I do. The steps tell me to.....when I don't know what to do, do nothing. I pray and try to let it go. Sometimes it eats me up and sometimes I am able to say it does not belong to me. I don't want to leave him. I am not afraid, unable to take care of myself, worried for my children etc. We do not have kids. It is really very simple. I love him, I want to continue to share my life with him. However, when he is stoned, the person that I live with IS NOT HIM. As much as you can learn to separate the person from the disease, at times they are both present in the same body.
I need to talk this out. I have enough time in AA now that I am not as easily influenced as I once was. I can hear opinion and others share, identify and then make concise decisions based on my own feelings. has anyone shared this experience? Will check back later. Thank you in advance.
I am a sober alcoholic since April 2007. I drank for a long time. I got drunk the first time at 12-13 years old and finally had enough at 37. I met a man in the rooms a year later (after divorcing my ex husband) and although we separated for a year due to circumstances involving drugs (his) we have lived together for 5 years. There is no doubt in my mind that I love this person. He is my companion, best friend, lover, partner. He is also an addict, an active addict. His DOC is varied. He has chronic back pain so there is dilaudid, lately he has been taking off on coke binges. He smokes morphine patches.... He is in deep. It has taken a while to get there but he is down in a hole. So what do I do. The steps tell me to.....when I don't know what to do, do nothing. I pray and try to let it go. Sometimes it eats me up and sometimes I am able to say it does not belong to me. I don't want to leave him. I am not afraid, unable to take care of myself, worried for my children etc. We do not have kids. It is really very simple. I love him, I want to continue to share my life with him. However, when he is stoned, the person that I live with IS NOT HIM. As much as you can learn to separate the person from the disease, at times they are both present in the same body.
I need to talk this out. I have enough time in AA now that I am not as easily influenced as I once was. I can hear opinion and others share, identify and then make concise decisions based on my own feelings. has anyone shared this experience? Will check back later. Thank you in advance.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Blush, Welcome to SR!
We do have some members who are living with spouses/significant others who are active alcoholics or addicts. Detachment, I think, is key.
Others will be along soon who can speak more from their own experience. But I wanted to share one thread with you that really helped me and my husband in our relationship with his addict/alcoholic son.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You definitely are not alone!
We do have some members who are living with spouses/significant others who are active alcoholics or addicts. Detachment, I think, is key.
Others will be along soon who can speak more from their own experience. But I wanted to share one thread with you that really helped me and my husband in our relationship with his addict/alcoholic son.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You definitely are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
It doesn't sound like he is present with you or making any attempt to consider your feelings or your happiness. Have you shared this with him? Would he listen or care if you did?
What are your boundaries when it comes to being a co-dependent or an enabler to your man? Where do his behaviours cross over your boundaries and make you uncomfortable or spitting f&cking CRAZY MAD!
What are your boundaries when it comes to being a co-dependent or an enabler to your man? Where do his behaviours cross over your boundaries and make you uncomfortable or spitting f&cking CRAZY MAD!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear blush---does it say anything in the steps about not taking care of yourself? When it is said not to do anything if you don't know what to do---that is different than knowing what to do but not wanting to do it.
I have given up three loved ones to the disease. I had to "Let go and let God" (I don't belong to any religion). That was the only option left. There is nothing harder in this world than to hand over your own flesh and blood.
We don't always get to keep the ones we love. You can still love them (as I do mine)--but, it doesn't mean that you get to keep them. It isn't fair.....it's not fair!....but, there is nothing fair about addiction. Addiction doesn't care!!!
Blush, I understand how deep your hurt is.
very sincerely,
dandylion
I have given up three loved ones to the disease. I had to "Let go and let God" (I don't belong to any religion). That was the only option left. There is nothing harder in this world than to hand over your own flesh and blood.
We don't always get to keep the ones we love. You can still love them (as I do mine)--but, it doesn't mean that you get to keep them. It isn't fair.....it's not fair!....but, there is nothing fair about addiction. Addiction doesn't care!!!
Blush, I understand how deep your hurt is.
very sincerely,
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
communication
We are able to talk about it. Addicts in active addiction don't consider other people's feelings!! If you presented to them all the choices of love, family, home, job etc. and included drugs or alcohol as one of the choices, hands down in active addiction, they will choose the latter. I know this locically but it does not help when I miss the person underneath the addiction. And I do miss the person that is my real husband. I love him. I do get F**king mad. At times, it is far too much. I don't have any conclusions, or this is what I have decided to do. I am usually a pretty impulsive decision maker but since becoming sober I am able to take my time to insure that I am doing the best thing for me. That is where I am today. Tonight I will go to my Yoga class and then a meeting. My father is having surgery to remove a tumor from his bladder so there are other important things in life as well. There is a family wedding on Saturday that I am looking forward to...... Life is not all bad and most of the time quite good. But I am glad that I have found this so if ever my decisions change I can find help and support.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Opiate addiction is, to my understanding, one of the hardest to stop, and stronger than alcohol, because the natural dopamine neurotransmitter uptakes shut off when replaced synthetically. The brain stops making its own.
So withdrawing from opiates for even a day is strongly depressive because the brain has to learn again to create its own dopamine and transmit it. The brain has stopped an essential function for the person to feel simply ok emotionally.
I think understanding that, it becomes easier to see why opiate addicts can't turn away from the synthetic dopamine when their brain stops transmitting it naturally.
I'm no expert but hopefully I have worded that somewhat correctly.
Knowing this, you know that his addiction is too powerful for him to turn away from unless he decides on his own that his life is out of control.
I think we have to look at addiction that the person is compromised in a way that we have to either live with, or separate from.
It will affect our lives, almost daily if not daily. It does mine, it does yours.
The key always seems to be for me, finding my own balance, serenity, and well-being, amid the chaos, and separating myself from the addiction affects enough that I can find some happiness.
Some days are good. Some days are awful.
Keep up your side of the battle, which is taking care of your well-being!
The challenge is in not letting it bring us down with it.
So withdrawing from opiates for even a day is strongly depressive because the brain has to learn again to create its own dopamine and transmit it. The brain has stopped an essential function for the person to feel simply ok emotionally.
I think understanding that, it becomes easier to see why opiate addicts can't turn away from the synthetic dopamine when their brain stops transmitting it naturally.
I'm no expert but hopefully I have worded that somewhat correctly.
Knowing this, you know that his addiction is too powerful for him to turn away from unless he decides on his own that his life is out of control.
I think we have to look at addiction that the person is compromised in a way that we have to either live with, or separate from.
It will affect our lives, almost daily if not daily. It does mine, it does yours.
The key always seems to be for me, finding my own balance, serenity, and well-being, amid the chaos, and separating myself from the addiction affects enough that I can find some happiness.
Some days are good. Some days are awful.
Keep up your side of the battle, which is taking care of your well-being!
The challenge is in not letting it bring us down with it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
Thank you so much for this Blueskies. Being an addict is one thing. I have learned and continue to learn how to deal with that aspect of me. Dealing with someone else's addiction..... a whole other can of worms. Thank God for AA.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by blush1970 
Thank you so much for this Blueskies. Being an addict is one thing. I have learned and continue to learn how to deal with that aspect of me. Dealing with someone else's addiction..... a whole other can of worms. Thank God for AA.
Would it help you to go to an Alanon meeting as well as keeping your AA schedule? I'm thinking if you can find the time, it surely couldn't hurt....
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by blush1970
Thank you so much for this Blueskies. Being an addict is one thing. I have learned and continue to learn how to deal with that aspect of me. Dealing with someone else's addiction..... a whole other can of worms. Thank God for AA.
Was joking about that with some AA guys (very friendly now as I am seeing things in a less enemy sort of way)
We were "d1ck slapping" about who had it worse -- AAers, or Alanoners.
They were joking that they all have to overcome their addiction(s) AND live a decent life.
My claim was that the AA-ers only have to deal with their addiction but *we* Alanoners have to deal with THEM. Far Worse.
Feels REALLY GOOD to get to laugh about this stuff.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think intimate relationships are like a balancing act. The relationship finds some kind of balance, or it blows up like a bomb.
To find that balance with someone in addiction, the non-addict must accommodate. It's like a law of physics.
So for any harmony, there must be some mirroring.
In other words, there is no escaping the affects of addiction while enmeshed.
We can talk about getting healthy all day long and long after the cows come home, but as long as we're in it...well...we're in it.
But back to sweeping my side of the street. I have antiques strewn across the room in a tornado mess, and its crept back into other parts of the house like the living room when I promised MY addiction would not creep into the rest of our lives...oops!
To find that balance with someone in addiction, the non-addict must accommodate. It's like a law of physics.
So for any harmony, there must be some mirroring.
In other words, there is no escaping the affects of addiction while enmeshed.
We can talk about getting healthy all day long and long after the cows come home, but as long as we're in it...well...we're in it.
But back to sweeping my side of the street. I have antiques strewn across the room in a tornado mess, and its crept back into other parts of the house like the living room when I promised MY addiction would not creep into the rest of our lives...oops!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
Loving an addict
Certainly relationships are not awlays easy to begin with. Adding mind-altering crap makes it more difficult. I am going to try to remember this adage, ''my worst day sober is 100% better than my best day drunk''. I didn't know that I didn't want to feel like that until I no longer felt that way. I think that this in part makes me see the DISEASE. I'll explain what I mean. He too knows what it is like to be clean and free. Because of relapse that memory is dull and distant. After a binge when the cycle brings him to remorse he is adamant about getting help but then he starts to feel better, forgets how bad it was and the cycle begins again. I can't believe that anyone would volunteer for this nasty merry-go-round unless they were unable to get off. I am not making excuses for his behavior but the more I try to understand the more compassion I have. Can I do this until the dreaded bottom? I say dreaded because as we know, jails, institutions, death..... I don't know!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You're no stranger to the rooms and seem to have a clear idea of what you want. I would beg you to reconsider the stance that you want to stay with an active addict with whom your only real ties are emotional.
Someone told me recently that we can fall in love with just about anyone, so the trick is making sure your love is going to someone who is worthwhile. Perhaps when sober, but when actively using, I doubt your SO is able to appreciate you and your contributions to the relationship. I know after a lot of crying and soul-searching that my willingness to stay with someone who didn't see me and couldn't see me was more about my low self-esteem and inability to believe in something other than these relationship dregs than my love for him.
Someone told me recently that we can fall in love with just about anyone, so the trick is making sure your love is going to someone who is worthwhile. Perhaps when sober, but when actively using, I doubt your SO is able to appreciate you and your contributions to the relationship. I know after a lot of crying and soul-searching that my willingness to stay with someone who didn't see me and couldn't see me was more about my low self-esteem and inability to believe in something other than these relationship dregs than my love for him.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Blush,
One thing I would watch out for is the myth that you can become stronger and therefore be able to support/weather the storm. What ends up happening is we get so beat up because we take so much on that we end up not taking care of ourselves.
What I mean is thinking like
-"I will go do yoga, center myself, be at peace, because if I do all this, I will be able to handle my relationship with an addict"
The problem is, being strong all day, having to constantly be finding peace and what not is exhausting. You have worked SO hard to be sober, I have a feeling you draw the line at people/situations interfering with your sobriety, be on the lookout, being with an addict has a way of sneaking through your boundaries and all of the sudden you are like "wtf just happened?".
One thing I would watch out for is the myth that you can become stronger and therefore be able to support/weather the storm. What ends up happening is we get so beat up because we take so much on that we end up not taking care of ourselves.
What I mean is thinking like
-"I will go do yoga, center myself, be at peace, because if I do all this, I will be able to handle my relationship with an addict"
The problem is, being strong all day, having to constantly be finding peace and what not is exhausting. You have worked SO hard to be sober, I have a feeling you draw the line at people/situations interfering with your sobriety, be on the lookout, being with an addict has a way of sneaking through your boundaries and all of the sudden you are like "wtf just happened?".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
That is exactly my thinking. Kind of wait out the storm attitude. Ironically my sponsor told me the exactly the same thing yesterday. I pray hard the things will change that he will see the light, go back to meetings, make an effort to get clean again. Everyday seems to be a new disappointment.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: small town Québec, Canada
Posts: 11
Mountains and Molehills
These are things that I wonder about. If I was not a member of a 12 step program how would I feel? Here are the true stats of his drug use.
He takes dilaudid because he has 3 herniated disks. How much does he take? It varies from day to day. He has taken it for a long time so has developed a tolerance. Some is prescribed, some is not. If he is in a lot of pain he takes more. His doctors want to put him on a morphine pump. I am not sure how that works. He has fentanyl patches that he used to use as prescribed until about 3 months ago when he saw on f***ing television that they are more effective if you smoke them so he will cut a patch in 6 and smoke it. The patch smoking is the thing that I hate the most. To me it represents the behavior of a junkie. When he wore them the way he is supposed to it did not bother me at all but smoking then to me screams junkie. He also has morphine supositories at times. Within the last year he has taken off on coke binges maybe 5 times. He does not put the family finances in jeopardy because he has his own business and I have my job. We do not have children. The money that he spends is his and he is the one who suffers. I was lying for him periodically and still do not tell my family or his mother and sister anything. However recently I told him that I am not going to lie to his employees anymore. When they ask where hs is I am going to say that I don't know. Let him deal with the balance of the questions. Because he is a ''member'' at my home group I do not talk about this at meetings. I do however talk to my sponsor and other members in confidence. We have a family function on the weekend and he asked me to hide a patch because he knows that he will smoke them all (not necessairly for pain in this case I think!!!!!!) and he want to be in good shape for ME. I said, no and do not tell me that this is for me. This has nothing to do with me. So he said okay, it is for me, I want to stay up and dance, have fun etc. He does not drink thank God. At least one thing that he has managed to get on top of.
Sometimes I wonder if I am not creating mountains out of molehills albeit large molehills as I know that some have it MUCH worse than I do. If I did not know what I know, and learn what I do at AA how would I react to all this.
He takes dilaudid because he has 3 herniated disks. How much does he take? It varies from day to day. He has taken it for a long time so has developed a tolerance. Some is prescribed, some is not. If he is in a lot of pain he takes more. His doctors want to put him on a morphine pump. I am not sure how that works. He has fentanyl patches that he used to use as prescribed until about 3 months ago when he saw on f***ing television that they are more effective if you smoke them so he will cut a patch in 6 and smoke it. The patch smoking is the thing that I hate the most. To me it represents the behavior of a junkie. When he wore them the way he is supposed to it did not bother me at all but smoking then to me screams junkie. He also has morphine supositories at times. Within the last year he has taken off on coke binges maybe 5 times. He does not put the family finances in jeopardy because he has his own business and I have my job. We do not have children. The money that he spends is his and he is the one who suffers. I was lying for him periodically and still do not tell my family or his mother and sister anything. However recently I told him that I am not going to lie to his employees anymore. When they ask where hs is I am going to say that I don't know. Let him deal with the balance of the questions. Because he is a ''member'' at my home group I do not talk about this at meetings. I do however talk to my sponsor and other members in confidence. We have a family function on the weekend and he asked me to hide a patch because he knows that he will smoke them all (not necessairly for pain in this case I think!!!!!!) and he want to be in good shape for ME. I said, no and do not tell me that this is for me. This has nothing to do with me. So he said okay, it is for me, I want to stay up and dance, have fun etc. He does not drink thank God. At least one thing that he has managed to get on top of.
Sometimes I wonder if I am not creating mountains out of molehills albeit large molehills as I know that some have it MUCH worse than I do. If I did not know what I know, and learn what I do at AA how would I react to all this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Sure some have it worse or easier but it's actually all relative, and what matters is how you feel about it.
You are doing typical things we all do and have done. Right now you are telling yourself it's not as bad as it seems, denial right? It's ok because he has his own money, it's ok because you don't have children, etc etc.
Actually it's NOT ok because it's negatively affecting you. Regardless of what he is doing take a step back and look at yourself. Are you healthier happier because of this relationship? Or gaining weight, pulling your hair out, becoming obsessive, worrying, lying for him etc?
Unfortunately a healthy relationship isn't possible with an addict, you know this I'm sure. So why are you hanging on to this short changed life?
I was in love with my XAGF, was my best friend and all that jazz. In all honesty it was more my need for physical attraction (which I mistook for love) that kept me in it. As much as we love them, they aren't available to give us the relationship and the love we want and deserve.
You are doing typical things we all do and have done. Right now you are telling yourself it's not as bad as it seems, denial right? It's ok because he has his own money, it's ok because you don't have children, etc etc.
Actually it's NOT ok because it's negatively affecting you. Regardless of what he is doing take a step back and look at yourself. Are you healthier happier because of this relationship? Or gaining weight, pulling your hair out, becoming obsessive, worrying, lying for him etc?
Unfortunately a healthy relationship isn't possible with an addict, you know this I'm sure. So why are you hanging on to this short changed life?
I was in love with my XAGF, was my best friend and all that jazz. In all honesty it was more my need for physical attraction (which I mistook for love) that kept me in it. As much as we love them, they aren't available to give us the relationship and the love we want and deserve.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Reno, Nevada
Posts: 25
Perhaps you should notify the prescribing doctor regarding what he is doing with those patches, or tell the pharmacist dispensing. This needs to stop. He will end up an OD on a ventilator in the ICU, I can promise you. The man needs treatment by a medical doctor who understands the addiction issues, the man has chronic pain and is also an addict. A psychiatrist or addictionologist who is a medical doctor.
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