RecoveryAttempt

I've just recently joined SR.... it helped me get through 10 days....
then today I was so stupid....

Not sure the rules on all of this - just know that everyone has been helpful to get me through my 10 days.... I have tried soooo many times...

Well today - had an interview for some volunteer work and then with a recruiter... Been feeling pretty low since I was laid off about 5 months ago. First time I have been "not working" since I was 16 - and here I am over 50.

Anyway - I thought I handled it all well.... then my ex came over - has been VERY supportive through all of my "slips" (which I hate to call it b/c it's more like a jump off of a cliff - not a slip) - and then tells me she is going to leave b/c I am acting all spacy.....

I think she thinks I was drinking.... so like a dumb you know what - I figure - well - she thinks I am drinking - so oh well.... an yes - STUPIDLY I bought 2 shooters.... I drank one - then dumped the second down the drain... but feel so miserable for drinking the one - and more stupid for even buying them - and thinking of all the guilt that the AA groups here make me feel for even thinking of it....

Anyway - bottom line is - I was doing so well - and let someone else's thoughts ---- well no - that isn't a good excuse ---- I DID THIS.... but I messed up
crap - now I am starting over - yet again....

thanks for being here for me - I just wish I had logged on instead of going to the liquor store today - it has helped me the past week.....

I AM SOOOO STUPID

Dee74

No real point in beating yourself up RA....whats done is done.

Much better to simply look at what happened, tomorrow, and make up some plans for fine tuning whatever your recovery programme is

D

RecoveryAttempt

Thanks Dee....
Just kind of threw me when being sober she still felt like I was spacy and drinking...
Tried to explain how I feel - the whole recovery thing.... but that wasn't being listened to....
I am so ashamed - but at the same time - silly me - feel okay that I dumped the second shooter down the drain.... not something to be proud of that I bought them - but - I think I stopped myself.... maybe not in time b/c I shouldn't have even bought them.... SIGH - not trying to justify things - but hoping I am seeing things clearer than I did a few months ago??????

Thanks again to everyone for the support - I have come to SR many times over the last 10 days ---- it has helped so much --- should have come here tonight and maybe this wouldn't have happened.

So am I not normal b/c I seem spacy even when I'm sober?????

Nuudawn

Hey hey....your slip is not a result of any lack of intelligence. Please stop insulting yourself. I understand you are frustrated with what happened but you are not stupid. Addiction hijacks and impairs your mind. Your exchange with you ex "triggered" you and you fell for it. As I'm sure you know..this fight to free yourself from alcohol addiction is all about you.

That's the thing about getting sober...you are going to get "triggered"...sometimes by frustration or anger...sometimes by stress, lonelieness, fatigue, excitement.

These are the moments we need to prepare for ...these are the moments we need to survive in order to live our lives sober.

Dee74

I drank for years - fair or not, people came to expect me to be drunk.
Stay sober and the weight of evidence will swing to your side

Trust can be rebuilt and reputations rescued - as long as we keep doing the right thing

D

RecoveryAttempt

is it "normal" to seem "spacy" even when you are sober this early in the game?
I almost seemed to be more in tune with things while I was drinking - but oh NO GOD - do not let me go back there..... I know I drank one shooter today - I almost couldn't keep it down - and the guilt and how miserable I felt.... thinking if I have any more - back to square 1 --- shakes, dry heaves, etc etc etc for several days....
Not saying having the one wasn't bad - b/c it was - shame on me! but I knew I just couldn't go there again....
So what do you tell someone who doesn't get it that I AM SOBER (well I was!).....

broadhighway

If you are an alcoholic, then what you did doesn't make you stupid. You have a peculiar mental blank spot when it comes to reaching for a first drink. You don't have any control of it. The only defense against it has to come from a higher power. You can find all of the answers you need if you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Doing the steps helps you make a strong connection with a higher power but all you need to start is a willingness to believe in order to see results. Please read the book and follow the directions that are suggested. I promise you will find strength and peace if you do.

Jeni26

Don't feel bad RA. It happens.

The important thing to do now is remember to post when you get that first thought that drinking would be a good idea. The first lie. If you post for support at that point rather than wait until the craving has got you by the throat, it is more likely you can be talked out of it.

That's my experience anyway. I can't tell you how many times SR has saved me. When something has unsettled me like your ex did to you, I've come here and had a rant. By the time I've done that, I can usually think more logically about it.

Best wishes. You can do this x

AugustWest11

EXACTLY; I slipped today as well (23 days) So i feel ya; But that is right .. no mater what "reason" we had; it was OUR decision not anyone\anything else .. But ours & we need to face that and move on and Keep fighting .. Good Luck

AW

Dee74

you need to focus on the right job I think - the job is to stay sober - not to convince other people of that sobriety.

Only actions can really convince - and that takes time.

I know it's hard when people doubt us, but there's always support here - stay true to the goal RA

D

RecoveryAttempt

Thanks BroadHW-
I have read the Big Book at least 4 times - moves each time...
Have yet to find a sponsor that will stick with me....

I truly believe in the steps and the book - but it seems that the groups I have tried here (3 in total) have the same 6-8 folks that like to do all the talking. I have had 3 sponsors and when I have slipped (hate that word b/c to me it is bigger than a slip) - they have dropped me even when I have come clean with them within hours of my "offense".

I know I need the help and know I have to have faith and am trying to figure out what the purpose of all this is....

thanks to all of you for the support!

RecoveryAttempt

Oh Man AW - 23 days!
Well - all I can say is good for you - that is 23 days you can be proud of!

So let's start again - right now???

broadhighway

Yes it is normal to seem spacey. The mental and physical healing follows spiritual healing.

I know it's easier said than done, but it's none of our business what other people think of us. On a practical note people are going to pick up on our anxiety of their distrust making the trust more difficult. Try not to worry what she thinks. Working on yourself is far more effective.

AugustWest11

Already have Last drink was 4pm today :p Stay Strong .. Night ..

AW

RecoveryAttempt

Thanks to all of you
Just kind of threw me b/c I thought I was doing so well -
Almost makes me wish I hadn't come "clean" that I was going to work on the problem - I feel like I'm under a microscope all the time now.
She means well - has done a lot for me - but at the same time - sounds bad - but I prefer to go it alone.....

I will get back on track - I know I shouldn't have let it happen - my own mistake and can't blame anyone but me - but I do feel better that I DID stop myself and dump the second one out.... not making excuses - but a month ago - I would have gone for more.... so maybe I have learned SOMETHING - yet I still have a long way to go.....

broadhighway

You're welcome. I understand about the meetings and the sponsors. Things get so far away from the solution it's frustrating. Good luck finding a meeting and people that really follow the principles. That's why I'm here, not in a meeting. The world is bigger than AA. I wish you the best:-)

RecoveryAttempt

I am sure I'll find something. I truly believe it can help - but just need to find the right group.

SR has been a saving grace for me. I KNOW if I had come here instead of going to the store - I would have not done what I did tonight.

G'nite all - best of luck to AW tomorrow
and thank you all for your support. I think I will get some sleep and think about a new slate tomorrow.

DisplacedGRITS

You know, my husband has given me the hairy eyeball a few times when i was being extra clumsy. He asked if i'd been drinking. I hadn't so, of course, i was filled with terrible indignation. How dare he! But i had to pull it back and i told him that i hadn't. He looked at me funny. I realized then that what really mattered here was that i knew i was sober. Me. That was all i could control. He could either accept it or suspect but in the end, i'm accountable to myself above all others.

pinkdog

Dear RA, welcome. You will receive support here. You can do this.

DayTrader

The only time I've dropped a sponsee is when (and it's only happened once.....and maybe about to happen a second time) is when I'm convinced I'm not a help to the person I claim to be sponsoring. Sometimes my message isn't clear, sometimes I don't speak their language and maybe sometimes they're just not ready yet. And by ready I mean ready to take suggestions that aren't their own.

If I'm offering suggestions, willing to walk them through the steps (NOT just meet them at meetings or hang out and swap stories), and teach them how to get the real-deal solution and they're not doing their part.....then I'm not really sponsoring them. IF they're willing to do the work and actually doing it.....but then go back out......that's just an indication to me that they obviously didn't hit the "recovered alcoholic" state fast enough. If they're willing to pick it back up and go at it with a new level of resolve, I'm gonna be there for them. If they still think they have the answers and are going to direct their own recovery then I bow out and let them do their thing.

Maybe you just found "sponsors" (and I use that term lightly here) who were more interested in collecting "successful sponsees" than they were in being a true sponsor and teaching someone our solution to alcoholism. .......it took me about 20 different meetings or more to find ONE that suited me. One with people working a program and living lives that I respected and wanted for myself. They're out there....but I had to do a fair amount of seeking to find them. You may have to do the same.