dizzle00

My husband is a heroin addict/alcoholic. He's in recovery, attending meetings, working with his sponsor, has almost 60 days off heroin, and 15 days off alcohol. I'm attending Al Anon, reading all the literature, seeing a new therapist, but I still feel completely obsessed with his problems. I'm not planning on leaving him (was advised to wait a year before making any drastic decisions, so as not to make them based on fear and emotions, rather than responsibly and sanely). I don't know how to detach. I'm traumatized and constantly worrying about all the what-ifs, despite doing everything I've been told to do. I'm working a lot, saving money, spending time on my own hobbies, etc, but still feel sick most of the time. Does anyone have some tips on meditation or anything? Does this get easier? This is all brand new to me.

incitingsilence

It gets easier to detach when you accept that you have no control, that worrying obsessively isn’t going to fix him and sure as hell isn’t good for you.

For me personally what helped was accepting the reality of heroin, and I actually mourned him while he was still alive … although not sure how alive one is using heroin … not sure how alive I was fixated on that fact.

It takes time.

This is a long road, a very long road. And to be very honest he is only been clean 15 days. Try not to count clean from this, this many days, from that this many days. Actually counting their days is a bit obsessive too … in reality all of any of us have is today, addict or not, no one has a guarantee of a tomorrow. Thinking with that view helped me a lot to not waste time obsessing over things I had no control over and actually live in each day, not just exist.


Be patient with yourself. In the very beginning for me I would sit in front of a clock and allow 5 minutes of head trip worry … no more. It was a conscientious effort sometime minute to minute to not get side tracked in my head playing gloom and doom scenarios. But with some practice in time it was second nature to jump right to the end of no control and how I was missing time stuck in my head … Playing the tape is an excellent tool for either side. I use it both ways when I catch myself entertaining thoughts of a drink, or thoughts of I wonder what he is doing now…

Journaling can also help, that probably saved me more than anything.
Also a god box, put your worries in a box and once in, leave them for god to worry about.


Advised not to leave. This one bugs me. To jump to the end. If you can totally immerse yourself into yourself…work on you, find your why’s what you want and need in this life. There is no confusion, you will always know what you need and want and time limits will not be a prison cell … which they are. One year is a long time to watch if he relapses and you will not survive if you aren’t totally taking care of you…

Be gentle with yourself.

dizzle00

I think I'm in the mourning stage now. Mourning the man he was before drugs, and basically everything else B.D. Thank you very much for all the wonderful insight and suggestions. I know I need to make taking care of me my #1 concern and hope that as I attend more Al Anon and more therapy sessions, things will become clearer for me. I hope you are well.

incitingsilence

I am doing well.

Mourning my husband while alive really helped me get past the fear of heroin killing him and helped with accepting the reality of addiction. Not that I didn't know it, but damn the fear is so all encompassing.

And yes the more you work on you, the more things will make sense and the better you will feel. It takes time so be patient with yourself but always remember to keep pushing forward....there is good stuff waiting on you.

Take care.