Boyfriend Relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Newberry, SC
Posts: 2
Boyfriend Relapse
Boyfriend Relapse
Hi....
I just started dating a great guy and we have gotten close very fast. I just found out he was a recovering alcoholic last Friday when he told me he relapse about 2 weeks ago. I started noticing a few weird things, like him getting sick and not able to spend as much time together as we have been. Come to find out, this was all a cover-up since he was drunk. Last Friday he admitted everything to me and told me he didn't want to tell me about his pass since he was scared I would run away. He truly thought he had everything under control until 2 weeks ago. At this moment he is in a 5 day detox program and once he is released he says he wants to do an IOP, he has been in rehab twice since this started 4 years ago
I care for this guy very much, but do not have a clue what I am getting myself into. A lot of my friends have told me to walk away from him, but I can too much. He has told both myself and his family that he is going to get it right this time.
Since I have never dealt with anything like this I am not sure what to do:
1. Should I stay with him?
2. If I do, what do I need to do and not do to be supportive and help, not hinder his progress (FYI - I hardly drink, so that I am not worried about)
Please help!!!!!
Hi....
I just started dating a great guy and we have gotten close very fast. I just found out he was a recovering alcoholic last Friday when he told me he relapse about 2 weeks ago. I started noticing a few weird things, like him getting sick and not able to spend as much time together as we have been. Come to find out, this was all a cover-up since he was drunk. Last Friday he admitted everything to me and told me he didn't want to tell me about his pass since he was scared I would run away. He truly thought he had everything under control until 2 weeks ago. At this moment he is in a 5 day detox program and once he is released he says he wants to do an IOP, he has been in rehab twice since this started 4 years ago
I care for this guy very much, but do not have a clue what I am getting myself into. A lot of my friends have told me to walk away from him, but I can too much. He has told both myself and his family that he is going to get it right this time.
Since I have never dealt with anything like this I am not sure what to do:
1. Should I stay with him?
2. If I do, what do I need to do and not do to be supportive and help, not hinder his progress (FYI - I hardly drink, so that I am not worried about)
Please help!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
RRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!
Relapses can go on for many years even if they say, I'm never doing this again! He will never be free from alcoholism. It lives within him every single day. Even if he can keep it in check for the next 5 or so years, that demon can come back and it will not be pretty.
This is not your fight. If you want to support something, go buy a puppy.
Relapses can go on for many years even if they say, I'm never doing this again! He will never be free from alcoholism. It lives within him every single day. Even if he can keep it in check for the next 5 or so years, that demon can come back and it will not be pretty.
This is not your fight. If you want to support something, go buy a puppy.
I'm just that girl
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: los angeles
Posts: 60
No. Don't stay with him.
You cannot "help him" as you think you can. You'll be sucked into the cycle of it all and end up in 5 years wondering wtf happened.
Get out now. Find someone healthy. He's not a project. Just my 2 cents.
ETA: I'm also going to suggest some personal therapy for yourself. That you can't see the red flags in this and why you feel the need to help him through this. You aren't legally tied to him, you just met him really. Run.
You cannot "help him" as you think you can. You'll be sucked into the cycle of it all and end up in 5 years wondering wtf happened.
Get out now. Find someone healthy. He's not a project. Just my 2 cents.
ETA: I'm also going to suggest some personal therapy for yourself. That you can't see the red flags in this and why you feel the need to help him through this. You aren't legally tied to him, you just met him really. Run.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
The thing is, even if he is serious about recovery, relapses can and do happen, again and again. Given that you just started dating him, it's not a bad idea to cut your losses and leave him to his recovery. Maybe in the future, if recovery sticks and he's in a better place (say, like, a year from now) you could give it another go. If you do choose to stay, you'll need Al Anon and lots of education on addiction. In fact, probably the best thing you can do right now is start reading up on alcoholism and addiction so you can get a better idea of what he's dealing with and what may be in store for you. The first thing you need to know is that you can't control his situation at all, but you can control your own. Take care of YOU first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Wow, thank yourself, the gods and everything in between you are asking these questions now when the relationship is so early. Most of us here have been on the sinking ship way too long.
He is a sinking ship, don't hop on board! If you had known all this stuff before you two kissed you probably wouldn't have dated him.
Please don't think you can save him or get involved for his benefit. This is something he needs to do alone, and actually you hanging around is probably going to make it harder for him.
Did I say run? RUN to the hills and be grateful you aren't getting involved with someone with SERIOUS problems that can later lead to emotional/physical abuse, cheating, lying, stealing, unable to form healthy attachments, etc.
He is a sinking ship, don't hop on board! If you had known all this stuff before you two kissed you probably wouldn't have dated him.
Please don't think you can save him or get involved for his benefit. This is something he needs to do alone, and actually you hanging around is probably going to make it harder for him.
Did I say run? RUN to the hills and be grateful you aren't getting involved with someone with SERIOUS problems that can later lead to emotional/physical abuse, cheating, lying, stealing, unable to form healthy attachments, etc.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
I am leaving my AH for the 2nd time. He went to inpatient treatment 7 yrs ago as well another stint in outpatient. His first relapse was 2 years in. The early relapses were further apart, the more they happened, the closer they were together but they were only a few days and he would manage to get himself back under control. July 1st he relapsed and within a few days it was clear where this one was going. He has been drinking every day, driving drunk, missing work, blaming me because I am a physco "B" that pushes him to drink, yada yada yada.
Please realize it no matter how you support him he will always be an alcoholic. My AH has also sworn that he is going to get it right, yet here we are! If you continue this relationship there is a good chance that life as you know it will never be the same again.
Your friends are right to some extent.... Get away, but don't walk... RUN
Please realize it no matter how you support him he will always be an alcoholic. My AH has also sworn that he is going to get it right, yet here we are! If you continue this relationship there is a good chance that life as you know it will never be the same again.
Your friends are right to some extent.... Get away, but don't walk... RUN
I'm just that girl
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: los angeles
Posts: 60
Think of it this way--- if it was cocaine would you be still wondering if you should stay?
Probably not.
Alcohol to an alcoholic is the same as cocaine to a coke addict. It's all the same.
Probably not.
Alcohol to an alcoholic is the same as cocaine to a coke addict. It's all the same.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
And just to reiterate what we've said, my AH has a 40 year drinking career. He sobered up for 20 of those years and has been on a death defying path since 2009. His latest stunt involved a motorcycle, 30 pints of vodka in 12 days, massive head trauma, a brain injury, over $100,000 in medical bills and a whole lot of him saying, I can moderate.
It's a messed up life!!! Can you dig it?!!! Or better yet, would you like him to dig it for you because he's going to take you to hell n drop you off.
It's a messed up life!!! Can you dig it?!!! Or better yet, would you like him to dig it for you because he's going to take you to hell n drop you off.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
So if he goes to an IOP program, this will be his third rehab in 4 years. He is obviously struggling. They never "have it under control", that belief may be what got him in trouble. One of the first steps is admitting there is NO controlling this disease. I'm sure he's a nice guy, a lot of them are. But he has bigger issues to deal with than a new relationship. And you really really really don't want to sign up for this. You have to take care of you first and foremost, don't get caught up in the enabling habits of wanting to "help" him through this.
As someone mentioned, if it was cocaine what would you do? If it was heroin? The impact of dealing with an alcoholic is no different. Wish him well, and leave him to his own path. Put your own health and future first.
As someone mentioned, if it was cocaine what would you do? If it was heroin? The impact of dealing with an alcoholic is no different. Wish him well, and leave him to his own path. Put your own health and future first.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, newtothis82.
I know this is hard to face...especially since it sounds as if you really like this guy a lot. But the wise people in your life and on this thread are correct. This is a problem much, much bigger than you. Let him deal with it first. Tell him when he's sober for a year or two (5 would be ideal!) to call you. Until then, he needs to work on himself.
Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. He may seem like a great boyfriend right now, but the facade doesn't last long. There is someone out there for you who wants what you want, but if you are busy thrashing around with an alcoholic, you'll miss that great guy.
Peace to you,
~T
I know this is hard to face...especially since it sounds as if you really like this guy a lot. But the wise people in your life and on this thread are correct. This is a problem much, much bigger than you. Let him deal with it first. Tell him when he's sober for a year or two (5 would be ideal!) to call you. Until then, he needs to work on himself.
Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. He may seem like a great boyfriend right now, but the facade doesn't last long. There is someone out there for you who wants what you want, but if you are busy thrashing around with an alcoholic, you'll miss that great guy.
Peace to you,
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
This is a calculated risk question.
Odds of relapse statistically--about 90%.
Still want to pursue this?
Brace yourself, it's going to be one helluva ride.
When I was young and dating I had a built-in rejection list
-Drugs
-Job failure
-Player
-Liar
-Sexist
-Lack of aspirations
-Lack of higher education
-Not good looking (being honest)
-lack of chemistry
-Lack of intelligence
I didn't understand alcoholism.
What's on your list?
Odds of relapse statistically--about 90%.
Still want to pursue this?
Brace yourself, it's going to be one helluva ride.
When I was young and dating I had a built-in rejection list
-Drugs
-Job failure
-Player
-Liar
-Sexist
-Lack of aspirations
-Lack of higher education
-Not good looking (being honest)
-lack of chemistry
-Lack of intelligence
I didn't understand alcoholism.
What's on your list?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just started dating a great guy and we have gotten close very fast.
red flag #1....just started dating and already feeling very close, very fast.
Come to find out, this was all a cover-up since he was drunk.
red flag #2 - he has a serious alcohol problem, didn't bother to tell you - during the DATING aka getting to KNOW each other phase - and has already relapsed in the short time you've been together.
has been in rehab twice since this started 4 years ago
red flag #3 - multiple rehab attempts, continued relapses.
I care for this guy very much, but do not have a clue what I am getting myself into.
red flags 3 and 4 - you have NO Idea what you are getting yourself into BUT are allowing your current FEELINGS to cloud your judgement.
A lot of my friends have told me to walk away from him, but I can too much.
red flag #5 - those who KNOW you and CARE about you advise you to walk away, but again you THINK you care too much about someone you hardly know at all and therefore CAN'T.
If I do, what do I need to do and not do to be supportive and help, not hinder his progress (FYI - I hardly drink, so that I am not worried about)
red flag #6 - your concern is what YOU need to DO for HIM to help HIM get better, rather than take the sensible approach to ask what is really best for YOU.
you've hardly any time invested here, you hardly know him at all, in fact he was keeping a very BIG secret from you, know he's back in detox and starting over at square one. his problem existed long before you came along and will continue to be something for him to manage for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
his problem is not yours to fix. your support is not needed. in fact if you look at it, it was AFTER he met you that he started drinking again. he can't manage to string together sober time and THEN try to manage a relationship at the same time.
red flag #1....just started dating and already feeling very close, very fast.
Come to find out, this was all a cover-up since he was drunk.
red flag #2 - he has a serious alcohol problem, didn't bother to tell you - during the DATING aka getting to KNOW each other phase - and has already relapsed in the short time you've been together.
has been in rehab twice since this started 4 years ago
red flag #3 - multiple rehab attempts, continued relapses.
I care for this guy very much, but do not have a clue what I am getting myself into.
red flags 3 and 4 - you have NO Idea what you are getting yourself into BUT are allowing your current FEELINGS to cloud your judgement.
A lot of my friends have told me to walk away from him, but I can too much.
red flag #5 - those who KNOW you and CARE about you advise you to walk away, but again you THINK you care too much about someone you hardly know at all and therefore CAN'T.
If I do, what do I need to do and not do to be supportive and help, not hinder his progress (FYI - I hardly drink, so that I am not worried about)
red flag #6 - your concern is what YOU need to DO for HIM to help HIM get better, rather than take the sensible approach to ask what is really best for YOU.
you've hardly any time invested here, you hardly know him at all, in fact he was keeping a very BIG secret from you, know he's back in detox and starting over at square one. his problem existed long before you came along and will continue to be something for him to manage for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
his problem is not yours to fix. your support is not needed. in fact if you look at it, it was AFTER he met you that he started drinking again. he can't manage to string together sober time and THEN try to manage a relationship at the same time.
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