BlueChair

I was thinking about something earlier. My husband and I have always had a great relationship, and Ive always felt like I could trust him, count on him. If a bus was coming I had no doubts he would push me out of the way and sacrifice himself to save me. And now I have this thought if the bus was coming and he started to shove me out of the way, would he stop and leave me there, if there was a big bag of cocaine also about to be smooshed? What an awful thought. Somehow I see us all getting flattened.

DoubleBarrel

I think a big bag of cocaine IS a bus. And it moves fast.

We are willing to sacrifice everything when we are addicted, whether unconsciously or not.

thenotoriousdud

I have had this thought myself just a bit different. Mine includes me drowning on one side of a boat and a bag of crack sinking on the other side. I have taught myself not to think thoughts like this anymore. There is way too much potential for hurt there.

KeepinItReal

My addict, I know, when in active addiction would go for the drugs. Here is a hard cold truth about addicts in active addiction: They love drugs more than you.

I'm sorry. This was really difficult for me to accept. It does make it easier to understand and "toughen up". I also have anger issues towards him that need to be let go of. We're all here just trying to be better, know better, and get better.

(((((((((((blue chair))))))))))))))))

zoso77

There are worse things than being run over by a bus. You're living it right now.

ZoSo

AnvilheadII

odd what the mind will come up with huh? probably best to just STOP that line of thinking....it leads to nowhere.

now as an aside....when i was still with my last husband, gosh a million years ago, we were standing in the kitchen and an earthquake hit. scary as all hell! at first he did kind of huddle over me - we were too frozen to do all the things they tell you to do. but as soon as the shaking stopped.....

what did he do? grabbed the DOG and ran out the back door. i was left standing there watching his vapor trail. it had nothing to do with how great or lacking his LOVE for me was....the man was terrified and grabbed Latte, our jack russell terrier, his buddy, and just wanted out of the house!!!!

i would not have predicted that outcome either!

anymore than a hundred years later, when i finally got up the courage to tell him i was leaving. i'd been planning my exit for 7 years, waiting til i had our finances in order, my daughter was safely off to college and it could be done with minimal fallout. i ran over the scenario of how the talk would go, how sad he'd be, maybe he'd beg me to stay or try counseling etc. so it finally happens.

i say, i think i'm going to leaving soon. (it was no secret that things had been unraveling).

he was quiet for a second, and then said, ok when?

probably in a couple weeks i said.

quiet again, and then he asked - Would you like to borrow my truck??

we never know how some future situation might resolve until we are there and it happens. all that fret and worry is useless and put to better use making sure we are taking care of TODAY!

Vale

Anvil,
I hope you got your own truck.

AnvilheadII

no, i used his!!! LOL see i left him the house, and all the furniture and whatnots AND the dogs...i just took the bare minimum, couple of floor lamps, my daughter's bed, a loveseat, the small TV and the good sautee pan, and returned his truck to the drive way in one piece!

pravchaw

Well at least he didn't help you move out. That would have been anticlimactic.

BlueChair

I know you all are right, it not good to go places like this in my mind and I feel guilty even questioning his loyalty to me. (my issue I know). I asked several of my friends about it, and they all said he would save me, and then added he would then go out and get more cocaine to celebrate saving you. They are mean and not funny I swear.

Your story is wild AH. That would be weird, borrowing his truck and what was he sitting on the couch watching as you carried out the loveseat? I guess when its over, its over though.

Zoso, right now Ill take this over being killed by a bus. I know Im not supposed to hope, but I hope all of this in the end, makes me a stronger person, whatever happens.

AnvilheadII

nah, he left for the weekend. kind of trustful tho huh? leave ME and the HOUSE and the TRUCK and assume I wouldn't rob him blind? I took as little as possible, I didn't want him to come to a house with big empty spaces.....I tried to creep away as quietly as possible.....I'm the one that wanted out, wasn't his fault. that's why I spent seven years planning my escape....life as an ACOA mandates you DO NOT ROCK THE BOAT.

point is....even when we think we know someone, at least enough to predict how they will act or react in a situation, we really have no clue. i remember when my then young adult daughter first dyed her hair....she had always been against that.....drank COFFEE...the first time i saw her with a cup i was like "no no" you don't drink that!!!!!.....when she got a tattoo......my precious needle terrified baby intentionally got a tattoo!!!

i was pretty sure i knew my own kid. right? nope, she is her own person, and i am not able to PREDICT her thoghts, feelings, actions and reactions.

penelope222

I asked my boyfriend that question one day. Obviously he gave a sarcastic answer...'ya'. I think hed probably push me to relative safety and run back scrape the remains of squashed cocaine on the road then track down the bus so he could lick the tyres !!