Day 1 of No Contact
Day 1 of No Contact
Hi SR friends,
I need to share something with you.
So I was going out with a man and at around the same time I started therapy.
He was against it and said therapists only like to get money. I said he was entitled to his opinion.
Time passed.
The therapist asked me to keep a journal. I have sucked at it, I guess afraid of my own thoughts.
But I did write one sentence: "I will never get the human warmth I need".
I realized that this man was smart, self-motivated and whatever, BUT he was not warm at ALL. Or he was sometimes "warm" and sometimes cold- this did not help make me feel at ease.
I went away last weekend to a very beautiful summerhouse with another friend and his friends. I felt so relaxed in nature. Then I chatted a bit with this man and realized he was making me feel tense. It was striking how he did not match at all with the Zen state I had achieved, enjoying the sun, the lake and the stars.
I realized I was again going to the HW store for bread and ended it yesterday.
I shared some of the things he had done that have made me uncomfortable and all he answered was
"You're certainly correct to go to therapy. You will probably be going for the rest of your life".
Then I remembered how emotional abuse involves minimizing/denial.
And I will be damned if I "try to change" someone again.
I answered
"If it keeps me away from abusive types, so be it."
To what he answered
"You should try helping others and volunteer in a women's shelter. Then you will meet some people who have actually been abused."
What a charming man. I know.
And my answer was
"Stop talking to me as if you know me. And don't contact me again."
I thought I was in a healthier place but it is obvious I am not.
The therapist asked me what my goals were and I have two
/to forgive my dad
/to stop attracting and feeling attracted to abusive men
Although I am sad I also feel it is great to have a spine. As I am usually soft and "nice", I know some people confuse me for a doormat and think I will stay to be a punching bag. I feel bad but I know I am being guided to better things.
I just want time to pass.
So here goes, my Day 1 of No Contact.
I will miss him as a friend but I am trying to remember life is abundant and there are tons of people with shared interests with whom I can share without this toxicity.
At least I have therapy today and I know I will end up crying but I am glad I am sticking to it and looking after myself, it was time.
I am also boxing more often and it helps.
I went yesterday, before this last conversation.
I feel that training also helped me feel more empowered and capable of defending myself.
I hope I can go back soon.
I need to share something with you.
So I was going out with a man and at around the same time I started therapy.
He was against it and said therapists only like to get money. I said he was entitled to his opinion.
Time passed.
The therapist asked me to keep a journal. I have sucked at it, I guess afraid of my own thoughts.
But I did write one sentence: "I will never get the human warmth I need".
I realized that this man was smart, self-motivated and whatever, BUT he was not warm at ALL. Or he was sometimes "warm" and sometimes cold- this did not help make me feel at ease.
I went away last weekend to a very beautiful summerhouse with another friend and his friends. I felt so relaxed in nature. Then I chatted a bit with this man and realized he was making me feel tense. It was striking how he did not match at all with the Zen state I had achieved, enjoying the sun, the lake and the stars.
I realized I was again going to the HW store for bread and ended it yesterday.
I shared some of the things he had done that have made me uncomfortable and all he answered was
"You're certainly correct to go to therapy. You will probably be going for the rest of your life".
Then I remembered how emotional abuse involves minimizing/denial.
And I will be damned if I "try to change" someone again.
I answered
"If it keeps me away from abusive types, so be it."
To what he answered
"You should try helping others and volunteer in a women's shelter. Then you will meet some people who have actually been abused."
What a charming man. I know.
And my answer was
"Stop talking to me as if you know me. And don't contact me again."
I thought I was in a healthier place but it is obvious I am not.
The therapist asked me what my goals were and I have two
/to forgive my dad
/to stop attracting and feeling attracted to abusive men
Although I am sad I also feel it is great to have a spine. As I am usually soft and "nice", I know some people confuse me for a doormat and think I will stay to be a punching bag. I feel bad but I know I am being guided to better things.
I just want time to pass.
So here goes, my Day 1 of No Contact.
I will miss him as a friend but I am trying to remember life is abundant and there are tons of people with shared interests with whom I can share without this toxicity.
At least I have therapy today and I know I will end up crying but I am glad I am sticking to it and looking after myself, it was time.
I am also boxing more often and it helps.
I went yesterday, before this last conversation.
I feel that training also helped me feel more empowered and capable of defending myself.
I hope I can go back soon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Be gentle with yourself! Celebrate how far you have come!
What an a-hole. Good for you for catching it early. See, you are far "healthier" than you realize.
And recognizing red flags early on takes practice. And practice means kissing a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming. Don't take this as a failure on your part. Take it as another learning lesson from the universe and you are getting much better at it!
And recognizing red flags early on takes practice. And practice means kissing a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming. Don't take this as a failure on your part. Take it as another learning lesson from the universe and you are getting much better at it!
What a jerk. How dare he **** on your attempts to grow and change and find happiness?! Really, how dare he.
I'm glad you caught yourself when you did. THAT IS GROWTH. THAT is mindfulness. That is healthy.
Bullet: dodged.
I'm glad you caught yourself when you did. THAT IS GROWTH. THAT is mindfulness. That is healthy.
Bullet: dodged.
Your body is trying to tell you something about this person. That tense feeling you get is your 6th sense saying RUN AWAY.
You are smart to listen. You are wise to continue therapy. You are strong for going no contact.
Toxic people come in many forms. Toxic people take hold of healthy people because it gives them something to hold on to to make them feel "normal" and ok.
You are doing the right thing, imo. Why waste time with this man when there are so many other men out there who will reach your expectations?
Never settle. I'll never settle again.
You are smart to listen. You are wise to continue therapy. You are strong for going no contact.
Toxic people come in many forms. Toxic people take hold of healthy people because it gives them something to hold on to to make them feel "normal" and ok.
You are doing the right thing, imo. Why waste time with this man when there are so many other men out there who will reach your expectations?
Never settle. I'll never settle again.
Oh thank you all for your posts, yes indeed I felt like "staying" but I knew I was just going to prolong the pain and having a "relationship" that only exists in my head is too exhausting.
Honest, being alone is much better than feeling alone while with someone.
It helps to share today.
Honest, being alone is much better than feeling alone while with someone.
It helps to share today.
You are that much healthier because you recognized it!!! You saw the red flags AND you acted on them. Pat yourself on the back for how far you have come, friend!!!
And this:
made me think really mean thoughts about him. Really mean.
I'm glad you had that time with friends and nature to give you peace and tranquility enough to see things clearly. And I'm glad you knew what to do.
And this:
"You should try helping others and volunteer in a women's shelter. Then you will meet some people who have actually been abused."
I'm glad you had that time with friends and nature to give you peace and tranquility enough to see things clearly. And I'm glad you knew what to do.
Maybe he mocks therapy because he wishes he had the guts to take a good look at himself.
Sorry, just feeling sad at work and trying to get angry instead so I don't start crying. Sheesh.
Sorry, just feeling sad at work and trying to get angry instead so I don't start crying. Sheesh.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No he mocks therapy because he knows he,ll lose control.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-11-2013 at 03:11 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Takingcharge,
You are in a healthier place because you recognized his behaviour & words as something you do not want.
That is progress my friend, good for you.
I have built a boxing workout into my daily life & boy does it feel good so keep that up too.
Hugs.
You are in a healthier place because you recognized his behaviour & words as something you do not want.
That is progress my friend, good for you.
I have built a boxing workout into my daily life & boy does it feel good so keep that up too.
Hugs.
Something I read from Wayne Dyer:
Put distance between you and your critics. Choose to align yourself with people who are like-minded in their search for simplified inspiration. Give those who find fault or who are confrontational a silent blessing and remove yourself from their energy as quickly as possible. Your life is simplified enormously when you don’t have to defend yourself to anyone, and when you receive support rather than criticism. You don’t have to endure the criticism with anything other than a polite thank-you and a promise to consider what’s been said—anything else is a state of conflict that erases the possibility of your feeling inspired. You never need to defend yourself or your desires to anyone, as those inner feelings are Spirit speaking to you. Those thoughts are sacred, so don’t ever let anyone trample on them.
After spending time with someone confrontational I can say that it is a great deal of energy that could be better used elsewhere.
I went to therapy yesterday and cried but felt better. The therapist said my behavior reminds her of addicts. And that I tend to like drama but I need to keep doing "the next right thing". And to MAKE THE DECISION to feel better and remember I have my own goals and to focus on them.
I said I find no excitement in normal life without him (sick, I know) and she said I have to redefine what "something exciting" means. I feel that is going to be difficult. It's so hard for me to get motivated about anything.
Put distance between you and your critics. Choose to align yourself with people who are like-minded in their search for simplified inspiration. Give those who find fault or who are confrontational a silent blessing and remove yourself from their energy as quickly as possible. Your life is simplified enormously when you don’t have to defend yourself to anyone, and when you receive support rather than criticism. You don’t have to endure the criticism with anything other than a polite thank-you and a promise to consider what’s been said—anything else is a state of conflict that erases the possibility of your feeling inspired. You never need to defend yourself or your desires to anyone, as those inner feelings are Spirit speaking to you. Those thoughts are sacred, so don’t ever let anyone trample on them.
After spending time with someone confrontational I can say that it is a great deal of energy that could be better used elsewhere.
I went to therapy yesterday and cried but felt better. The therapist said my behavior reminds her of addicts. And that I tend to like drama but I need to keep doing "the next right thing". And to MAKE THE DECISION to feel better and remember I have my own goals and to focus on them.
I said I find no excitement in normal life without him (sick, I know) and she said I have to redefine what "something exciting" means. I feel that is going to be difficult. It's so hard for me to get motivated about anything.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)