Codie Relapse, trying to control what is not mine to control.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Codie Relapse, trying to control what is not mine to control.
Please don’t judge me, I just need to get this off my chest.A week ago my AH was in a car accident he did not sustain any serious injuries but the car is a write off. The insurance policy is in my name but he pays for it. Long story short they paid out today and I asked them to pay the money into my bank account. My AH found out and is furious, I tried to explain to him that I was just trying to protect him / us because he is probably going to use that money for drugs. I know I should not have done that he is threatening to take me to court for fraud but if they could not pay the money into my account they would have said so. By the way last week we spoke about it and I told him maybe it is better if they pay the money into my account that way it is safe for if he has a lapse in judgment. He said sure go ahead it’s a good idea, I did what he told me to do and now he is upset and angry about it. I think it’s too late to reverse the process, the money is probably almost in my account. I don’t want to give him al that thousands of $ because I know he will blow it all on friends drugs and what not. He still owes the bank and I thought that he should just leave the money until he finds another car that he wants to buy. So if I give him the money he will blow it and be stuck in debt for 3 years and no car to show for it. If I don’t give him the money things will be tense at home and he’ll probably take me to court for fraud like he said he would. I just know he is going to blow it all, but I will transfer the money to his account once it comes up in my account and what he does with it is his business. He just does not get it, that whatever bad financial decision he makes has a direct bearing on me, we are married (in community of property) but in the end he will have to live with his choices and consequences. That was such a Codie thing to do, once again I tried to control what is not mine to control. Once again I am trying to protect a grown ass man against himself and the beauty of it all is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am trying to steal his money, I earn twice what he does, I really don't need his money. Well he can take his money and waste it I cannot control him as a person I cannot control his actions and the way he choose to live his life. I can only control me, but It is just so hard to stand by helplessly looking on as a loved one is wasting away and destroying his life, his things.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Hi Fourtwentyone, because he pays for it but I am the policy holder and he is the regular driver. it was an arrangement that we had, he will pay for it because I was not willing to. The insurance company checked that with him and he willingly gave them his banking details. I think you have a point, I did not steal his pay-out and it I don't think its fraud.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
You are in a hard spot, but I don't think he can take you to court for fraud. Maybe when the money is in your account you can get him to go car shopping with you. Way better then him spending it on drugs. Hang in there, praying things get better.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Since the insurance was in your name and there was a fairly large payout, it will most likely affect your rates going forward. The lesson to me would be...allow him to get his own insurance in his name next time he buys a 3000 pound bullet to drive around in. Personally, I would rather see him spend all the money on drugs than to have him on the same roads as school buses full of children.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I would bet A LOT of money that he would NEVER take you to court...he is quacking in a very loud and most annoying manner. I remember how angry my ex used to get around the "withholding" of money...even though we had a "money handling" arrangement.
(By the way that "money handling arrangement" was most discouraged by friends in the program and my therapist, and I was destined to discover why...)
At the times when I was withholding money in his mind he could get seethingly irate...
I could almost see the demon of addiction under the thin veneer of red faced anger and verbal abuse that was hurtled at me. He would come up with the most bizarre excuses of why he needed extra money.
In the eyes of addiction money is the same as the drug. It is like the spoon to the needle...I know that for my ex having cash in hand could feel like the same intensity of a trigger as having a rock of crack...at times there was no resistance.
What I had to figure out for myself is that I no longer wanted to suffer the consequences of my codependency...my desperate desire that he not use so that we could stay together. I knew that I could not continue to stay with him if he continued to use and I was in despair because I didn't want to lose him. But he was an active addict (even if he was trying to get some recovery and using stop gap measures such as having me be his much abused cash warden) and I was standing in the way of his drug...
NOT a good place to be standing in this one precious life.
He is not going to take you to court...he will just continue to abuse you until you give in...which you already have. That is HIS life, his decision...his addict way of getting his drug. It's not your job in this life to stand between an addict and their drug.
Your job is to protect your boundaries, separate out your assets/property...and maybe begin considering separating out your life, love and spirit. I eventually made this choice and it was the best thing I could have done for me. And probably for him too...but I don't know that any longer and I don't need to know.
It is a sacred duty to protect your life and spirit from abuse...just like you would protect a child. You can quit hanging your heart up as a punching bag at any time.
(By the way that "money handling arrangement" was most discouraged by friends in the program and my therapist, and I was destined to discover why...)
At the times when I was withholding money in his mind he could get seethingly irate...
I could almost see the demon of addiction under the thin veneer of red faced anger and verbal abuse that was hurtled at me. He would come up with the most bizarre excuses of why he needed extra money.
In the eyes of addiction money is the same as the drug. It is like the spoon to the needle...I know that for my ex having cash in hand could feel like the same intensity of a trigger as having a rock of crack...at times there was no resistance.
What I had to figure out for myself is that I no longer wanted to suffer the consequences of my codependency...my desperate desire that he not use so that we could stay together. I knew that I could not continue to stay with him if he continued to use and I was in despair because I didn't want to lose him. But he was an active addict (even if he was trying to get some recovery and using stop gap measures such as having me be his much abused cash warden) and I was standing in the way of his drug...
NOT a good place to be standing in this one precious life.
He is not going to take you to court...he will just continue to abuse you until you give in...which you already have. That is HIS life, his decision...his addict way of getting his drug. It's not your job in this life to stand between an addict and their drug.
Your job is to protect your boundaries, separate out your assets/property...and maybe begin considering separating out your life, love and spirit. I eventually made this choice and it was the best thing I could have done for me. And probably for him too...but I don't know that any longer and I don't need to know.
It is a sacred duty to protect your life and spirit from abuse...just like you would protect a child. You can quit hanging your heart up as a punching bag at any time.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
You are the policy holder. The check will be written to you. Period. It doesn't matter who makes the payment. It would then be fraud if HE cashed the check. Of note....if the bank has a lein on the car due to a loan...then the insurance company should pay off the loan first...you would get the balance.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by lesliej 
It is a sacred duty to protect your life and spirit from abuse...just like you would protect a child. You can quit hanging your heart up as a punching bag at any time.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It is just so hard to stand by helplessly looking on as a loved one is wasting away and destroying his life, his things.
then quit standing there staring at HIM wasting HIS life. he's going to do that anyway. time for a new plan, a new focus. step far enough back and you won't SEE everything as if it is under a microscope. maybe it's time to try something different..............
then quit standing there staring at HIM wasting HIS life. he's going to do that anyway. time for a new plan, a new focus. step far enough back and you won't SEE everything as if it is under a microscope. maybe it's time to try something different..............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by huntingtontx
You are in a hard spot, but I don't think he can take you to court for fraud. Maybe when the money is in your account you can get him to go car shopping with you. Way better then him spending it on drugs. Hang in there, praying things get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by lesliej
I would bet A LOT of money that he would NEVER take you to court...he is quacking in a very loud and most annoying manner. I remember how angry my ex used to get around the "withholding" of money...even though we had a "money handling" arrangement.
(By the way that "money handling arrangement" was most discouraged by friends in the program and my therapist, and I was destined to discover why...)
At the times when I was withholding money in his mind he could get seethingly irate...
I could almost see the demon of addiction under the thin veneer of red faced anger and verbal abuse that was hurtled at me. He would come up with the most bizarre excuses of why he needed extra money.
In the eyes of addiction money is the same as the drug. It is like the spoon to the needle...I know that for my ex having cash in hand could feel like the same intensity of a trigger as having a rock of crack...at times there was no resistance.
What I had to figure out for myself is that I no longer wanted to suffer the consequences of my codependency...my desperate desire that he not use so that we could stay together. I knew that I could not continue to stay with him if he continued to use and I was in despair because I didn't want to lose him. But he was an active addict (even if he was trying to get some recovery and using stop gap measures such as having me be his much abused cash warden) and I was standing in the way of his drug...
NOT a good place to be standing in this one precious life.
He is not going to take you to court...he will just continue to abuse you until you give in...which you already have. That is HIS life, his decision...his addict way of getting his drug. It's not your job in this life to stand between an addict and their drug.
Your job is to protect your boundaries, separate out your assets/property...and maybe begin considering separating out your life, love and spirit. I eventually made this choice and it was the best thing I could have done for me. And probably for him too...but I don't know that any longer and I don't need to know.
It is a sacred duty to protect your life and spirit from abuse...just like you would protect a child. You can quit hanging your heart up as a punching bag at any time.
(By the way that "money handling arrangement" was most discouraged by friends in the program and my therapist, and I was destined to discover why...)
At the times when I was withholding money in his mind he could get seethingly irate...
I could almost see the demon of addiction under the thin veneer of red faced anger and verbal abuse that was hurtled at me. He would come up with the most bizarre excuses of why he needed extra money.
In the eyes of addiction money is the same as the drug. It is like the spoon to the needle...I know that for my ex having cash in hand could feel like the same intensity of a trigger as having a rock of crack...at times there was no resistance.
What I had to figure out for myself is that I no longer wanted to suffer the consequences of my codependency...my desperate desire that he not use so that we could stay together. I knew that I could not continue to stay with him if he continued to use and I was in despair because I didn't want to lose him. But he was an active addict (even if he was trying to get some recovery and using stop gap measures such as having me be his much abused cash warden) and I was standing in the way of his drug...
NOT a good place to be standing in this one precious life.
He is not going to take you to court...he will just continue to abuse you until you give in...which you already have. That is HIS life, his decision...his addict way of getting his drug. It's not your job in this life to stand between an addict and their drug.
Your job is to protect your boundaries, separate out your assets/property...and maybe begin considering separating out your life, love and spirit. I eventually made this choice and it was the best thing I could have done for me. And probably for him too...but I don't know that any longer and I don't need to know.
It is a sacred duty to protect your life and spirit from abuse...just like you would protect a child. You can quit hanging your heart up as a punching bag at any time.
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