Innocent children and Heroin

Old 09-10-2013, 06:49 AM
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Innocent children and Heroin

I find myself feeling guilty or badly for the kids. They miss their Dad. Did I do the right thing by letting him back in our life 3 years ago after I left him for "bad behavior". Bad behavior was going out with his friends as soon as I came home from work, not caring about my thoughts or feelings, and constantly asking me for money that he knew was for bills. I felt abandoned (because I was) and used (because I was). I left the toxic relationship when I was pregnant with our second child. He played the victim card. That he did nothing wrong. Tried to make me feel guilty. We stayed "friends" (talking on the phone during the week) and he told me that he loved me but how I deserved so much better. I read the books "He's just not that into you" and "How to have a happy pregnancy and be single" That helped me a lot. I was ready to have the baby and move forward with limited contact. I planned on starting to date when I my baby to be was 6 months old and felt that it was the right thing to do move on.
Then the curve ball hit. He went to jail when my son was just born. I went to visit him. (I still loved him) He admitted EVERYTHING. He came clean that he was IV drug user, that he was cheating after I left him and he knew that I was really moving on. He said that in order for him to start recovering he had to come clean to me. I told him that I would do some research on recovery centers and quickly found out that they were very expensive and mostly non-available. I wish I knew then, what I knew now. (hindsight is 20/20)
He came back to my house (as to not move back into the drug house he was staying) He told me how he felt he would relapse and how scared he was for his life. I paid for a one way ticket for him to go stay in another state so he could get some normalcy back. His uncle helped him. He maintained a job, paid rent, went to the gym everyday. His life was good. He came back to visit me and his family over christmas and relapsed. His sister and brother in law gave him the drugs for free. He told me, and I told him that he couldn't stay here. He went back. Did the right things in the other state for another 5 months.
When he was going to move back and not see or go around his using family members we found out about the secret indictment. He went to jail for 6 months and was assigned 5 years probation. He said he would have to work through this. Now, he couldn't leave the state. (neither can I) I run a family business here. I'm not moving.
He moved home. Things were really good for 6 months. Then the personality switch. Found out he was using. He did 30 days in rehab. He came home. Things were really good for 6 months.. then he relapsed again. His program didn't find out. He was able to keep it a secret and went on the Suboxin program. That worked until he started lending and borrowing.... with people he was going to the court mandated programs with. Then he started hanging out with his family members. I braced myself and focused on myself. I knew what was happening. I didn't run to his rescue. I talked to his counselor weekly. Now, he's in jail again... for 2-3 months to finish this whole legal mess.
MY KIDS MISS HIM. I feel so guilty for their pain. At this point, I know him coming home after jail is not an option. I know he has to do a year long + program for himself. He is willing and wanting to do it.. but of course is scared what this is doing to our relationship and family. I'm focusing on me and the kids. I'm not filing for divorce as I hope to still keep our family together when he comes back after the program (if he finishes it). Otherwise my course of action will never be letting him home again.
Am I insane?
Will this help him?
I'm questioning all my judgments. I feel so bad for my kids. Anyone have any good books for me??? I just want to be able to tell my kids the right things. I don't want them to be ruined. I'm just scared. It sucks.
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Old 09-10-2013, 07:01 AM
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Thank you for a look into my future.

I don't know what to tell you, but I'm here with you. I DO know what you/I SHOULD do. .. Walk Away. I can't -- yet.

As a mother I know I protect the kids, job #1. That means I don't keep exposing them to the hurt, the uncertainty, the drug yo yo anymore. Tear the bandaid off quickly, and go on with life without the A making it nuts, without the influence over my kids.

My cloudy judgement says: but they need THEIR father, yeah he's messed up, but he loves them, cares about them. .... he's really a good man, it's just the drugs that are the problem.

I come to SR and read. I see that it seems like most of the time the A just can't get clean and stay clean, but that little voice says "but your situation is different" and "he's not as bad as these other A's that you are reading about, it's just a little weed. .."

So I go back and read what I have written. Yikes! "just a little weed" my foot!

You can't leave, but you don't have to let him back into your life. Boy, it's easier to look at someone else's situation and know exactly what to do; man is it hard to do it for yourself.

(((((KeepinItReal)))))
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Old 09-10-2013, 07:25 AM
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I'm trying to take it day by day and not think so much into the future. However, I know he's trying to "not-be-addicted". I play the disease card.
Now that we are separated again, and at least for the next 1.5 years I have to deal with the kids myself, 100% of the time. I know that i'm going to stick around and support him through his recovery. As long as he's trying to get better i'm going to be a friend for him to lean on. My real question is... how can I explain what's going on to my kids in a way that they will understand?
I have been telling them that he's sick and he has to go away and not live with us until he gets better. It doesn't make them miss him any less.
I just hope my guilt subsides. I know many members would think i'm doing the wrong thing staying married and putting myself through this. I guess i'm just going to have to go through this and learn for myself. I'm too hard headed.
I realize my addict isn't different from other addicts. I know my relationship isn't "special". However, i'm not ready to leave him. I'm just not.
I would like to add, that I know time will help the kids feel better. I'm also not sitting around crying about it.
(((((((((((((421))))))))))))))))))
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Old 09-10-2013, 07:35 AM
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It depends how old the kids are. You need to make sure, even if they are very young, that they understand that they had absolutely nothing to do with his leaving, directly or indirectly. Daddy loves them, he wants to be with them, but he needs to be healthy to make that possible. Mommy loves them, she is going to be there, take care of them, keep life going. It's okay to miss Daddy, because they love him. They can write him letters or make him pictures. I guess maybe though you don't want to make too big of a deal about it, make him into a hero or something. Get some movies and books, aimed at their age, dealing with being a family with a single parent. Sesame Street even has some Iphone Apps on the subject.

In a year and a half, who knows where you will be mentally and emotionally. right now, take care of the kids, keep reading and posting and learn how to live this new life. Each day we get stronger. When the time comes, you will know if letting him back in is right.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:22 AM
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That's a great idea with the games. He wrote my 7 year old daughter an apology letter and told her that he was okay where he was. She started tearing up and I know it was a good thing for her to let go of some of the worry she had for him. I was honest with her (age appropriately). Me and the kids are working on getting stronger together and building new routines. It doesn't help that we're in the middle of moving but October 1st is around the corner and our new place (without him on the lease) is waiting for us.
I think it's a good start over and move on point. I'm just focusing on helping the kids get through it.. but SR is good for ME and you to get through it. Day by day.
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Old 09-10-2013, 11:58 AM
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7 is still young, I remember being 7, but not very very much of being 7 . . . that's young enough to be taught a new way to live, without having serious hang-overs, isn't it?

All 3 of mine are under 6. . . . I can still . .... save them right?

We are going to make it, with our heads above water, us and our kids
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Old 09-10-2013, 02:31 PM
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I know its sort of different, but when you are talking about him being away for a year and half, think about all of the military families that are without someone for at least a good year. I know its different but to kids the being away part probably isnt a lot different. Kids whose parents are off in a war zone if they understand they must have fears to deal with everyday too, and sometimes in the end there is loss. Im not sure my point, except your not crazy I dont think for wanting to support him, stay married, and see how it all goes down in the next year if he is trying to get better from his past, the drugs. You can get through it, your kids can adapt, and somehow you will make it ok for them.
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