HetvenFour

Sometimes I wish I had hit a more substantial rock bottom, received a more clear wake up call. It seems I've been descending through soft, lake bottom mud in a search for something hard to bang my head against. Never been arrested, don't drink and drive, never had a bar fight or ruined a wedding party or anything like that. Just a slow, methodical buildup of alienation from my family, lack of purpose to my life, shame and self hatred.

I want to be serious about recovery now, but I don't feel courage, can't visualize a better life.

jdooner

HetvenFour - WE each have our own bottoms. You do not have to loose everything to sober up. While I have done some of the things you perceive as "bottoms" I chose to quit not after getting arrested but out of fear that the same behavior that has made me professionally and financially successful could also tear down the sand castle I have built. My guess is there is something you feel is wrong in your life that is causing you to post on SR.

Wanting to be serious and being serious are often two different things. Try quitting for 15, 30, 60, 90 days and seeing what changes occur in your life. Who knows you might just find a positive change and if not go back to boozing on day 16, 31, 61, or 91 - full refund.

huntingtontx

Hi HetvenFour. I am 64 days sober and feeling good. I have never lost a job, been arrested, drove drunk, had a bar fight, etc. What I did was go to bed drunk, not know what happened the night before. Had fights with my hubby that I don't remember. Been ashamed of my drinking. Now, I know what happened last night and feel good about who I am. Why would you want to wait till you are as bad as you can get to quit. I don't know how to stop at a drink. A drink does nothing for me. I need lots of drinks, till I feel buzzed and then I can feel shame in the morning. Tell me why I would want that life back again. I am glad you are here, and a desire to stop drinking is all you need to quit. Life is so much better sober. Hang in here. We are all here for you.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

I'm not sure it takes courage, but it does take determination...despite whatever fear you might feel about sobriety. And as for visualizing a better life, that might not be apparent now. How about a more miserable life? Can you visualize that? Good reason to start the sober journey.

joygirl

Welcome, Hetvenfour!

I didn't have a hard fall to the bottom either. I think if I had waited for that, I would be dead.
But I did decide to quit and change my miserable life, which also included alienation, lack of purpose, shame and self hatred.
You do have courage! You came here and posted your desire to recover. You don't need all the answers just now to begin. You just begin.

silentrun

It came on slow for me as well. No problems that could be pointed attributed to drinking. I was ruining my health though and probably would have died from some alcohol related illness. I didn't really know how much it was affecting me until I quit.

HetvenFour

Thanks for your replies. DGCarl, I agree with you that visualizing a better life can perhaps wait, and in the meantime it is easy to visualize a continuing train wreck. I guess it's just damage control at the moment.

I'm grateful that I've been jogging every day now for a while, I'm grateful for this forum and it's supportive participants, thank you.

ScottFromWI

To me those sound like plenty of good reasons to quit. Unless you don't value your family or your self. Would ending up in jail for a DUI or getting your face beat in and ending up in the hospital make you somehow feel better about yourself suddenly? And then there's the ultimate bottom that you'll never return from.

Frankly, I don't think digging deeper will give you any more courage, if anything it just makes it harder to climb back out of the hole you've dug.

AlefVavResh

For me, the big ah-ha moment happened when I caught myself looking people right in the eye and lying. That is sociopathic behavior. Really gave me a wake-up call. . . I think shame and self-hatred are good enough reasons to want a different life. And the different life you can envision will be one where you feel good about yourself, your family is proud of you, you start spending quality time with them, and the shame becomes a memory.

Keep reading and posting.

happyhour

evil works that way, if it told you it was going to destroy your life, you might not drink.

but, a slow, steady and constant slide into oblivion leads you to the same place.

trust me, being sober fixes stuff like shame and self hatred, glad you posted and you seem like you are ready for a change, cause the current program aint workin'


glad you checked in...

least

to SR! My 'rock bottom' wasn't legal or physical or financial - it was waking up every day feeling like death and hating myself. I am grateful I no longer live that life.

Eleni58

I didn't hit rock bottom either. I just woke up one day and--call it divine intervention or an epiphany--I felt like I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk.

Oldselfagain

HetVenFour be thankful you haven't hit rock bottom, because you eventually will if you don't stop.

A lot of us have been functioning alcoholics and have decided to quit before the proverbial "rock bottom". What I find now that I'm sober is I'm functioning a helluva lot better than when I was drinking. It may not even be noticeable to others but I notice it every morning when I wake up with a clear head and no regrets from the evening before.

Be strong

Mentium

All the best Hetvenfour. I am a so called 'high bottom' too. never lost a job, never crashed a car, never got into a brawl..and yet life was utterly miserable. That is low enough for me. I wouldn't wish more suffering on myself - or you!

All the best and welcome!

HetvenFour

Lot of sense here, thanks again. I went to a meeting today, didn't speak, but bought a Big Book. Looks like a nice group, meets every day very close by. I will be coaching soccer this fall, and there's a meeting tonight - my addict brain is already plotting a stop by the liquor store on the way back. Wish me luck!

happyhour

make sure you tell addict brain he gets no vote, your choice...not his

way to go, keep it up - enjoy the meeting!

44556677

I have every faith in you will make it home NOT going into the liquor store :P