I. Am. So. Angry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 9
I. Am. So. Angry.
The thing is, nothing new even happened. Days ago I came to the conclusion that I needed to postpone my wedding with my RA fiance. But everything that means just hit me. To an extent, what it all means just hit me. We may still get married and spend our lives together, but it won't be the way I've pictured it up until now. 
I couldn't wait on it. I ended up telling him two nights ago. I had to reiterate that I meant it just a few minutes ago. He had, of course, hoped that the first time I said it was in anger and that I didn't mean it. So, right now we are both angry about his alcohol problem. And now I have to cancel a wedding. Granted, all we have is a deposit we will lose but calling people and letting them know not to buy plane tickets is just a miserable thing to have to do. I know nobody is dead but making these calls is going to feel that way. Something is dead. I am definitely out of denial and into anger and I really don't like it.
The good news is that we can blame his upcoming back surgery for the postponement. Much less embarrassing than saying, "The groom can't keep his sh!t together."
I don't even know the point of me writing this. Obviously I need a meeting.
I couldn't wait on it. I ended up telling him two nights ago. I had to reiterate that I meant it just a few minutes ago. He had, of course, hoped that the first time I said it was in anger and that I didn't mean it. So, right now we are both angry about his alcohol problem. And now I have to cancel a wedding. Granted, all we have is a deposit we will lose but calling people and letting them know not to buy plane tickets is just a miserable thing to have to do. I know nobody is dead but making these calls is going to feel that way. Something is dead. I am definitely out of denial and into anger and I really don't like it.
The good news is that we can blame his upcoming back surgery for the postponement. Much less embarrassing than saying, "The groom can't keep his sh!t together."
I don't even know the point of me writing this. Obviously I need a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 29
Please just be glad that you did not, in fact, marry him. You now have time to sort out your relationship and figure out what YOU want. It might sting now, but that will go away. You haven't made a major life changing event that will be so much harder to undo than making a few phone calls. I think you will be a lot happier having the time to think it through...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Nope 
The good news is that we can blame his upcoming back surgery for the postponement. Much less embarrassing than saying, "The groom can't keep his sh!t together."
What you should do is tell the people who love you for who you are the truth. You may even find it to be a relief. My dad and brother are my biggest supporters outside of my marriage. If my husband had his way, NO ONE WOULD KNOW THE TRUTH!
Your boyfriend's Ape is OUT. You can't hide it now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Much better that this is happening before a wedding than after a wedding--After a wedding is much, much greater heartbreak. Trust me.
Lady Diana said that the reason she did not back out of the wedding (after she found out he was seeing Camilla and giving her jewelry with love inscriptions) is because the towels were already monogramed. Now Diana is no more and he is happily married to Camilla. Go figure!
dandylion
Lady Diana said that the reason she did not back out of the wedding (after she found out he was seeing Camilla and giving her jewelry with love inscriptions) is because the towels were already monogramed. Now Diana is no more and he is happily married to Camilla. Go figure!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
Making phone calls now to say that the wedding is off. Period. Well, those phone calls are much easier today than the first phone calls to the same people, 10 years down the road. Period. To say 10 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I've been paying for it ever since. Boy do I feel silly now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'm happy you're angry. Yep, happy!
Because otherwise you would be a deer in headlights with that knowing dread in the pit of your stomach knowing that you would be signing up for more craziness and trying to convince yourself that he will get better after the wedding, after being married for a bit, after the first kid, maybe the second, after a career change, after a new house, after he ends that affair, after rehab....
Don't marry him until he's healthy NOW, and been healthy for quite awhile.
After all, what better teacher is there, than that history repeats itself?
That anger which you feel, is the healthiest anger...it's the ones who fail to feel that anger and become a doormat that are going down into a sad and painful place.
Because otherwise you would be a deer in headlights with that knowing dread in the pit of your stomach knowing that you would be signing up for more craziness and trying to convince yourself that he will get better after the wedding, after being married for a bit, after the first kid, maybe the second, after a career change, after a new house, after he ends that affair, after rehab....
Don't marry him until he's healthy NOW, and been healthy for quite awhile.
After all, what better teacher is there, than that history repeats itself?
That anger which you feel, is the healthiest anger...it's the ones who fail to feel that anger and become a doormat that are going down into a sad and painful place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
[QUOTE=BlueSkies1;4171348]I'm happy you're angry. Yep, happy!
Because otherwise you would be a deer in headlights with that knowing dread in the pit of your stomach knowing that you would be signing up for more craziness and trying to convince yourself that he will get better after the wedding, after being married for a bit, after the first kid, maybe the second, after a career change, after a new house, after he ends that affair, after rehab....
QUOTE]
AMEN
Yes, yes, yes!!!
He's awesome, you thought you'd be together forever, he'll see he is wrong . . he's a reasonable guy and you have invested so much time in this relationship, you've given your heart to him, you don't want to start over. ...
Three kids, 2 houses, $10,000 in fines and lawyer's bills for stupidity and 8 years later -- I'm you.
My kids are a mess, having temper tantrums everywhere, Daddy is never home, when he is home he yells things like "Why the f*ck can't you just get ready for school" and "You're only going to see Daddy every second weekend because Mommy's a b*tch" at my 5 year old on the front lawn at the top of his lungs. The money keeps disappearing, he lies about where he was, spends all his time out of the house, messes with your mind so you don't know what is true and what isn't, turns all your mutual friends against you. . . . but -- this isn't him, right? I mean, he's an addict, so it's just the drugs, just the alcohol, he'll see the error of his ways, he'll change. .. .
14 years later DS calls from the police station - he needs a lawyer, he's been caught with drugs at a traffic stop. .. caught for DUI . . . or the hospital calls and DD has OD on Daddy's pills. ....
R-U-N A-W-A-Y
You WILL find someone to spend your life with who will not be a constant roller coaster of lies and pain.
A few phone calls to people who love you to tell them you've narrowly avoided a HUGE mistake is nothing compared to what the future holds for you my friend if you do not change course now.
Because otherwise you would be a deer in headlights with that knowing dread in the pit of your stomach knowing that you would be signing up for more craziness and trying to convince yourself that he will get better after the wedding, after being married for a bit, after the first kid, maybe the second, after a career change, after a new house, after he ends that affair, after rehab....
QUOTE]
AMEN
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
Don't marry him until he's healthy NOW, and been healthy for quite awhile.
After all, what better teacher is there, than that history repeats itself?
That anger which you feel, is the healthiest anger...it's the ones who fail to feel that anger and become a doormat that are going down into a sad and painful place.
After all, what better teacher is there, than that history repeats itself?
That anger which you feel, is the healthiest anger...it's the ones who fail to feel that anger and become a doormat that are going down into a sad and painful place.
He's awesome, you thought you'd be together forever, he'll see he is wrong . . he's a reasonable guy and you have invested so much time in this relationship, you've given your heart to him, you don't want to start over. ...
Three kids, 2 houses, $10,000 in fines and lawyer's bills for stupidity and 8 years later -- I'm you.
My kids are a mess, having temper tantrums everywhere, Daddy is never home, when he is home he yells things like "Why the f*ck can't you just get ready for school" and "You're only going to see Daddy every second weekend because Mommy's a b*tch" at my 5 year old on the front lawn at the top of his lungs. The money keeps disappearing, he lies about where he was, spends all his time out of the house, messes with your mind so you don't know what is true and what isn't, turns all your mutual friends against you. . . . but -- this isn't him, right? I mean, he's an addict, so it's just the drugs, just the alcohol, he'll see the error of his ways, he'll change. .. .
14 years later DS calls from the police station - he needs a lawyer, he's been caught with drugs at a traffic stop. .. caught for DUI . . . or the hospital calls and DD has OD on Daddy's pills. ....
R-U-N A-W-A-Y
You WILL find someone to spend your life with who will not be a constant roller coaster of lies and pain.
A few phone calls to people who love you to tell them you've narrowly avoided a HUGE mistake is nothing compared to what the future holds for you my friend if you do not change course now.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You've been given some great advice. It's so much better that you're angry now, before there are children involved. No child should be in an alcoholic home, period. It is just asking for a lifetime of undoing the damage in therapy, or the above possible scenarios given by FourTwentyOne. I got into quite a bit of trouble before hitting my bottom and turning MY life around. I had no examples for normal, healthy lifestyles growing up, and forget about personal accountability or responsibility.
Anyway, you are saving yourself years of heartache and abuse by getting out now. I personally wouldn't ever marry a recovering alcoholic because of my PTSD, but you need to ask yourself if you want to have a contingency plan for if/when he relapses. In case you didn't know, the success rate for long-term sobriety is very low. You're going to spend the rest of your time with him knowing the other shoe could drop at any time. Take a year to see where he is, and what your personal deal breakers are. By then, he could be a year sober, or you could realize you have a life to live and can't be bothered waiting anymore. Just don't marry him right now.
Anyway, you are saving yourself years of heartache and abuse by getting out now. I personally wouldn't ever marry a recovering alcoholic because of my PTSD, but you need to ask yourself if you want to have a contingency plan for if/when he relapses. In case you didn't know, the success rate for long-term sobriety is very low. You're going to spend the rest of your time with him knowing the other shoe could drop at any time. Take a year to see where he is, and what your personal deal breakers are. By then, he could be a year sober, or you could realize you have a life to live and can't be bothered waiting anymore. Just don't marry him right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 9
I wonder where all the not-worse-case scenario people hang out?
I went to a meeting last week and a man was there with his wife of ten years celebrating his six year anniversary of sobriety.
I love him with all my heart but I've also been clear about my boundaries when it comes to dealing with the crazy. I've now read Codependent No More and am fully aware that I have seriously been enabling though. So that will need to change. Frankly, not enough anger and resentment had the time to build up before boundaries were, and are continuing to be, put in place. I had a really bad boyfriend about ten years ago who was mentally I'll and that taught me a lot of hard lessons early. I think with boundaries, healthy detachment, and proper mindfulness on my part and a willingness not to give up on himself on his part we could potentially be okay.
So for right now we just won't get married. We'll reasses in a year. I'm just really sad because it was going to be a beautiful day and we were both really looking forward to it. I do feel let down and angry at him for having a problem that makes this necessary. But honestly, I'd feel that way even if we were actually canceling because of his back surgery. Sick is sick.
I went to a meeting last week and a man was there with his wife of ten years celebrating his six year anniversary of sobriety.
I love him with all my heart but I've also been clear about my boundaries when it comes to dealing with the crazy. I've now read Codependent No More and am fully aware that I have seriously been enabling though. So that will need to change. Frankly, not enough anger and resentment had the time to build up before boundaries were, and are continuing to be, put in place. I had a really bad boyfriend about ten years ago who was mentally I'll and that taught me a lot of hard lessons early. I think with boundaries, healthy detachment, and proper mindfulness on my part and a willingness not to give up on himself on his part we could potentially be okay.
So for right now we just won't get married. We'll reasses in a year. I'm just really sad because it was going to be a beautiful day and we were both really looking forward to it. I do feel let down and angry at him for having a problem that makes this necessary. But honestly, I'd feel that way even if we were actually canceling because of his back surgery. Sick is sick.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Nope
The good news is that we can blame his upcoming back surgery for the postponement. Much less embarrassing than saying, "The groom can't keep his sh!t together."
Means the thinking is still: Lying. and. Covering. For. an. A.
(having a little bit of fun. with. your. period. stuff.)
Seriously from the Been There Done That department . . . the Day you start really getting better is the Day You Stop Lying and Covering for the A.
Truth is -- You do not want to get married to an A?
GOOD. FOR. YOU.
I don't even know the point of me writing this. Obviously I need a meeting.
Thank you.
Need a meeting, too.
One up in 6 hours.
I will be there.
You at yours, too?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Nope
I wonder where all the not-worse-case scenario people hang out?
Waiting never hurts.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What's wrong with just telling people you've decided to wait a bit? No crime in that, and it gets you out of the "covering up" mode. Just say you've been thinking about it and decided to wait. Nobody's business why.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by LexieCat
What's wrong with just telling people you've decided to wait a bit? No crime in that, and it gets you out of the "covering up" mode. Just say you've been thinking about it and decided to wait. Nobody's business why.
This is a way to save your privacy (and pride) by not telling everything, but still avoid starting the precedent of "covering up" for him this early in your relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
So for right now we just won't get married.
We'll reasses in a year.
I'm just really sad because it was going to be a beautiful day
marriage is for a long long time (hopefully), the wedding is just one day. you did the BEST thing for both of you.....give time time. you can't trust this guy any farther than you could throw him right now...he's not got himself sorted out yet. people sometimes focus on the wedding DAY, and overlook really REALLY making sure they KNOW who it is they are pledging their life and future to.
as for what to say to folks? exactly what Lexie said...they WHY'S are for YOU, all others need to know is that it has been postponed.
We'll reasses in a year.
I'm just really sad because it was going to be a beautiful day
marriage is for a long long time (hopefully), the wedding is just one day. you did the BEST thing for both of you.....give time time. you can't trust this guy any farther than you could throw him right now...he's not got himself sorted out yet. people sometimes focus on the wedding DAY, and overlook really REALLY making sure they KNOW who it is they are pledging their life and future to.
as for what to say to folks? exactly what Lexie said...they WHY'S are for YOU, all others need to know is that it has been postponed.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by Nope
We may still get married and spend our lives together, but it won't be the way I've pictured it up until now.
Something is dead. I am definitely out of denial and into anger and I really don't like it.
Something is dead. I am definitely out of denial and into anger and I really don't like it.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic. I still love my aexh very much, there's much to love about him. But it doesn't make him be anything other than himself, and I wasn't doing anyone any favors when I tried to interact with him as the man I wanted him to be instead of the man he actually was. Once I got through that adjustment I got angry a lot less. Wishing you peace inside
I'm just that girl
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: los angeles
Posts: 60
I walked away from an engagement. Ate 2,000 on a deposit for the ceremony. Returned my dress. Cancelled invitations.
Why?
I realized, after all the red flags, that the man was a HOARDER. Omg that was NOT going to be my life.
It was embarassing for 5 minutes. Then no one cared. I dodged that bullet....then met my husband lolll so....yea.
Why?
I realized, after all the red flags, that the man was a HOARDER. Omg that was NOT going to be my life.
It was embarassing for 5 minutes. Then no one cared. I dodged that bullet....then met my husband lolll so....yea.
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