He checked into rehab, now what?

Old 09-09-2013, 12:13 PM
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He checked into rehab, now what?

I received a call last night from my ex-husband. We have been divorced for a year. What makes this call unique is that it was from an inpatient rehab facility. He checked in 4 days ago for his meth addiction and what he feels is also an alcohol problem. The call was brief. I am relieved that he will finally be seeking help but today I woke up angry, sad and frustrated. I am not sure why.
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Old 09-09-2013, 01:49 PM
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My husband went into rehab recently and it caused a lot of emotions in me too. Im not sure how that changes if you are divorced, do you have a relationship still, children? If so then I think what you can do for him is to be there in that capacity if he asks, maybe participate in his rehab at some point if it would be helpful to him. Might help you too. I have been reading a lot about addiction, learning as much as I can, its for me mostly, and to be able to understand better what he is going through, what the future holds. I have a whole list of books that Im working through.
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Old 09-09-2013, 02:11 PM
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We don't have children. However, I do count our cats and dog as "our" children. : )
We have stayed in contact via the occasional phone call and text. Yes, us being divorced makes me wonder where I fit. So far, I have been just a voice of support or reason when things get crazy. Is it even possible to just be a positive friend?
What books are you reading?
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Old 09-09-2013, 04:02 PM
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Fur babies count. we don't have kids either, but we have two cats and a dog. They miss their dad a lot !

I started by reading a book called 'Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. Its about his family's struggle with his sons addiction, and attempts at treatment. Then I read his follow up book called "Clean - Overcoming Addiction" and it talks a lot about recovery, how addiction is a disease, how its treated in the USA, and what works and what maybe doesn't as far as approaches go. I liked it a lot. Then I read his sons book, Tweak by Nic Sheff and it was about his memoirs of when he was addicted, how he felt. Sort of hard to read but it was helpful. And Im reading this one now: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Mate, and I am finding it really interesting, Id recommend.

These are on my list too:

Thinking Simply About Addiction by Ricahrd Sandor

Midbrain and the Beast by Dallas Bennett - this one Im reading next I think

Feeding the Monster - Don't have the author but someone suggested it.

Several books by Beverly Conyers have been recommended from this site to me, haven't looked them up yet

Get your loved one sober, alternatives to nagging, pleading, threatening also recommended on this site

soaring above co addiction, helping your loved one get clean while creating the life of your dreams by Lisa Espich

The Tao of Sobriety by D. Gregson

I want to change my life: how to overcome anxiety, depression, addiction by Steven Melemis

The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction: A Guide to coping with grief, stress, and anger that trigger Addictive Behaviors by Rebecca Williams

There is a list of books on the Newcomers forum too. Its like the first post at the top I think. I went through it, and I googled books, looked them up on amazon, and look at the age of the book too because things change over time, trying to stay current with what Im reading within a couple of years on most. I like to read plus when I cant sleep, nothing like a good addiction book , not really of course.
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Old 09-09-2013, 05:02 PM
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You might also want to read up on Nar Anon website - most of the literature there is free and if he is going to be working a 12 step program it could help you establish good boundaries, detatchment and help you a lot.
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Old 09-09-2013, 05:09 PM
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Suz, maybe you are feeling these emotions because it didn't happen when you were married, it happened after the divorce? It's natural to feel emotional when they finally reach out for recovery. Rehab is not a cure, but I hope he embraces all they teach him and finds a better path for his future.

For you, your part is whatever you want it to be. If you want to detach from the whole thing, that's okay. If you want to support from the sidelines, that's okay too. Perhaps let him get some solid recovery under his belt before you commit to anything more than a supportive friend.

It's entirely up to you of course, but that's my point. You get to decide how you live your life. Sounds like you've done well so far.

Hugs
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Old 09-10-2013, 06:11 AM
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Bluechair-We have two cats and a dog as well. I can tell they miss him. Thank you very much for the reading suggestions! Reading is one of my favorite hobbies. I find it strangely comforting to be able to research and read up on addictions.

hellomynameis - I will check out the Nar-Anon site. There is only one Nar-Anon meeting group in my area. Unfortunately, I have been advised by a few in the social services field to stay away from the location and group.

Ann - I believe you are right on. I happened to have a therapy appointment yesterday. We discussed some of my feelings. I was shocked at the anger/frustration emotion. I have been wanting him to be well for a long time I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be more ecstatic. We concluded that I am questioning why I wasn't good enough or enough, feelings of anger over my own guilt in events that occurred when we separated (I ruminate and wonder if my actions were different would he have sought recovery sooner?) and lastly anger that the opportunity to be a supportive wife was taken from me by meth.
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Old 09-10-2013, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Suz08 View Post
Bluechair-We have two cats and a dog as well. I can tell they miss him. Thank you very much for the reading suggestions! Reading is one of my favorite hobbies. I find it strangely comforting to be able to research and read up on addictions.

I have been wanting him to be well for a long time I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be more ecstatic. We concluded that I am questioning why I wasn't good enough or enough, feelings of anger over my own guilt in events that occurred when we separated (I ruminate and wonder if my actions were different would he have sought recovery sooner?) and lastly anger that the opportunity to be a supportive wife was taken from me by meth.
I like the way you phrased it "strangely comforting" because that is how I feel too. Some of my friends cant understand why Im reading so much about it but I just have this "need" right now. Animals are really sensitive I think, they know when we are emotional, and they love you know unconditionally, so they dont understand a meth addiction. Lucky them. Im sure they are bringing you a lot of comfort though, I know my guys do.

What your therapist said makes a lot of sense as to your feelings now. Maybe you cant be the supportive wife, but its obvious you still care, so maybe you can be a supportive friend for now. He must feel that way or he wouldn't have called to tell you in the first place.
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Old 09-10-2013, 01:43 PM
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I have been wanting him to be well for a long time I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be more ecstatic. We concluded that I am questioning why I wasn't good enough or enough, feelings of anger over my own guilt in events that occurred when we separated (I ruminate and wonder if my actions were different would he have sought recovery sooner?) and lastly anger that the opportunity to be a supportive wife was taken from me by meth.

remember the three C's - didn't cause it, can't control it , can't cure it.
it was NEVER about you, about you being good enough, doing or saying the right thing. HIS addiction is 100% HIS.

and now he's finally to a point of getting himself into rehab and start dealing with it. when HE was ready. again, that decision isn't about you, or anything else except him accepting help to deal with the monster known as meth addiction.

you don't HAVE to do anything now. he called, it was brief. he's in rehab, GOOD FOR HIM. any addict getting clean is a miracle, one life snatched from the jaws of addiction is something to rejoice. but it's only a beginning....rehab isn't the the fix or the cure, it's merely a place of rest and respite....time to get a few days clean time put together and learn some tools to help you stay clean. for life, one day at a time. he is not well yet.
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Old 09-10-2013, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I have been wanting him to be well for a long time I couldn't understand why I wouldn't be more ecstatic. We concluded that I am questioning why I wasn't good enough or enough, feelings of anger over my own guilt in events that occurred when we separated (I ruminate and wonder if my actions were different would he have sought recovery sooner?) and lastly anger that the opportunity to be a supportive wife was taken from me by meth.

remember the three C's - didn't cause it, can't control it , can't cure it.
it was NEVER about you, about you being good enough, doing or saying the right thing. HIS addiction is 100% HIS.

and now he's finally to a point of getting himself into rehab and start dealing with it. when HE was ready. again, that decision isn't about you, or anything else except him accepting help to deal with the monster known as meth addiction.

you don't HAVE to do anything now. he called, it was brief. he's in rehab, GOOD FOR HIM. any addict getting clean is a miracle, one life snatched from the jaws of addiction is something to rejoice. but it's only a beginning....rehab isn't the the fix or the cure, it's merely a place of rest and respite....time to get a few days clean time put together and learn some tools to help you stay clean. for life, one day at a time. he is not well yet.
I hope I wasn't coming across or insinuating that it wasn't a good thing he is in rehab. I agree 100%, that any day a meth addict is able to peak around the crystal reflection of the devil that is meth, is simply a great moment.

I do appreciate your comments. It's hard to remember the 3 C's when the ruminations start in my brain but I will try.
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Old 09-11-2013, 01:04 PM
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I have been thinking over this some more and not only do I now feel guilty for sounding so selfish I have also reached a conclusion that perhaps my anger is really the words of anger I have been wanting to say to my ex but have restrained from doing so. I have protected him for so long. Even during the split and divorce I tailored my words. I knew how sick he was. I didn't want to lash out and cause more pain and guilt to whatever demon was feeding off his soul.
Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone else experienced the final release of the floodgates?
There are so many memories I have, moments of craziness that I reflect back on and I get angry. I get angry that I was lied to and manipulated. I get angry that I was so trusting to believe each and every word. Now that he is in a "safe" place perhaps I subconsciously feel that I can truly express anger knowing that he will have a sounding board to process the words.
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