Family Interference

Old 09-09-2013, 11:22 AM
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Family Interference

I would like to apologize in advance for this extra long rant:

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted. AB is doing well. He is still living in a sober house. It has been just over a month. I know that's not long, but it seems like forever. He is currently looking for work. He is going to meetings every day - sometimes twice a day. We have been hanging out, along with our 1 y/o son about once a week. Things have been going good. He's positive. He's gained a bunch of weight and his clarity is coming back. He's becoming the smart, sensible man I met.

So, with that all being said, I'm in a bit of a financial hole. I wasn't going to be able to stay in my apartment past September 1. I would've been forced to move into my mother and her husband's small condo with my son. However, we were getting at each other pretty bad before the deadline came and my brother ended up loaning me 3 months rent so that we could make a better plan. At that time, the plan was for me to fix some financial issues, then we would pool our resources and buy a house together - a split, that we could make an apartment on the lower level so we could live separately under the same roof. It would be more affordable for everyone involved. That has now gone out the window because my mother has issues with me being with AB and wants me to commit to not being with him (ever) if we move into the same house. My brother tried talking to her about her needing to be flexible and to expect AB to be there to see his son and she will not accept that. Fine. I didn't think our living under the same roof was the best idea anyway. We tend to really get under one another's skin.

Fast forward to today. We're still trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work - get me out of debt - let her get what she wants out of life, etc. It may be worthy to note that no one involved is really "set" financially, so there's really no money to go around.

Anyway - I called my mother up today to tell her the status of a deal I'm working out regarding my car. That part isn't really important, however, the conversation moved to other things, as it normally does, and she starts telling me that I'm blind and that everything is AB's fault and then she asked me if I knew that he had a record. I don't know if she paid for it or what, but she got his criminal record (he has an assault on there from over 20 years ago - a street fight) and says she knows because she has it printed out and that he's never going to change and he has made a mess of everyone's lives and I should just cut my losses and walk away.

I know she has the right to her opinion. However, I'm 36 years old. AB is 42. I don't understand why she feels the need to tell me every day what a loser he is! I'm constantly stressed out. She's trying to make me choose between her and him - or at least she is trying to convince me that I shouldn't choose him. Let's keep in mind that he has not moved back in. He has not even spent the night. He's doing what he needs to do to try to make things right - and I don't know what the future holds. I'm taking it day by day! Yes, I love him, and he is the father of my child. I don't see us living together in the near future. At least not until he gets a job - and I have plenty of my own **** to get under control! But these comments that she makes - and now going and researching his history so that she can try and convince me that he's no good and will never be any good is only making me more upset with her and stressing me out more and more. It's making me not want to be around her.

I guess part of this that I left out is that I am very dependent on my mother. My son goes to daycare, but I work about an hour away from home and can't pick him up on time. In order to help keep daycare costs down, she picks him up every day - early afternoon and has him until I get home to pick him up from her house. I don't know how to do what I have to do without her help in this area. So, it's like there are always strings attached and I can't break free and live my own life. She's involved with everything and it's making me miserable.

I just want to live my own life and be able to make my own decisions, but I feel like since she provides so much assistance - maybe she has a right to be involved. I just wish she wouldn't try to make up my mind for me. I think life is hard enough and all this turmoil is making it harder and harder. I just don't know if I'm ever going to find any peace between me and both of them - or them with each other.

I just feel like packing up and running away from everything...
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Old 09-09-2013, 02:10 PM
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Ann
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I know she has the right to her opinion. However, I'm 36 years old. AB is 42
You are certainly old enough to make your own decisions, right or wrong and regardless of what she thinks of them.

As long as you rely on her for daycare, you will probably have to listen to her rants and put up with her wrath if you don't live like she dictates. If you can do this great, but it strikes me that you are posting here because you are torn between your life as an adult and your life as her child.

Sweety, sometimes we just have to find a way to move forward. If you can find a job closer to home or move to your own place or shared place closer to work, that might help.

I don't have all the answers for you but I can tell you that the situation you are living in would make me crazy too, no matter how much I loved my mother.

I really really hope you can figure out something that works for you.

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Old 09-10-2013, 03:44 PM
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You may be working, but say you are still in a financial hole. Time to go to the welfare department to make sure you have full health ins for your son (Medicaid) and ask about getting some 'day care' help which is usually in the form of a voucher, which would cover your son staying until you picked him up.

I am concerned for you and your son, as although he may not understand everything his grandmother is saying about his father he does feel the tension.

As you stay around her and read and continue to post, you will come to understand when we say NO is a complete sentence. Now I know that is hard to say to a parent or sibling, but sometimes we have to, we have to remove the toxicity from our lives and many times our families are toxic. I had to go no contact with my own mother for 5 years. It is not easy, it was not easy, but for my own sanity it was necessary.

Your mom has her opinions about the whole thing as it is now unveiling and of course she wants you not to hurt. However, her opinions do not have to be foisted on you every time you talk or see each other. It does become easier when the subject changes to your AB to say 'sorry I have to go will talk to you later.' If on the phone hang up, if in person, look at your watch, say the above, grab your son and split.

Eventually it will start to sink in that you leave or cut the conversation short when she gets on her soapbox. I know you love your mother and I know you love your son, and this whole mess is just that a mess! Small baby steps, it will become clearer.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-11-2013, 10:38 AM
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Thank you both for your posts. As much reading as I've done on the boards in the last month and a half, I haven't seen much about anyone battling with their families over the A and codie's future - though I'm sure it does happen.

My family is extremely close and my mom has been my best friend as I've become and adult. It's hard not to take what she says into account, but the negativity it brings is just making things harder and harder for me.

As far as welfare and daycare vouchers - I don't qualify, unfortunately. I am looking into a job posting for a position that is closer to home and for a significantly higher payrate that what I am currently getting - which I'm actually quite qualified for, I think. I guess all I can do is try.

I know this doesn't have all that much to do with AB, but I guess I'm just praying that someday everyone can get along, if we really do go forward with rebuilding our life together. I'm not willing to let go of my family, but I do believe that there need to be some boundaries. As I am codependent with AB, my mother is codependent with me and I wish there was a way for me to show her that and for her to stop saying things that make it seem like all of her happiness depends on me. She told me today that she needs peace and in order for her to achieve that, she needs me to be settled.

It's exhausting!

Thanks again for your input. I sincerely appreciate every word.
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