how to help someone whom the world believes is perfect
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
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how to help someone whom the world believes is perfect
This is my first time here. I am going to be limited to searching for help online, as my spouse is a healthcare provider and well known in our community. I have known for nearly 11 years that he has dabbled in pills, and found a few here and there, but thought that our up and down, rocky marriage was the result of having children and his starting a new business, plus his overly driven at work. The world thinks he is perfect. Everyone adores him. He is known as the best in his field. What the world doesn't know is that he is moody, up and down for years now, has a huge temper, and though his money habits have over all paid off, we are also in several large lawsuits. Because he is so terribly intelligent, he makes it all look perfect. Since he knows he is successful in business, I'm not sure he is going to be easily convinced that this isn't a successful life. He constantly has a new project or business venture going and will not listen to me. It's never enough.
Our first 6 yrs together were fabulous, but it was when the business took off that he started using. I recently found out that he's switched to IV forms of opiates, and I'm terrified. He has a family member who is a heroine addict and lives on the streets. The even look alike. A year ago I learned where he was going when he wasn't at work-a secret life with a prostitute half his age. His family would never believe the story if they knew. It was hell for me. He has blamed me for years for our problems, and wouldn't recognize that his mood swings, distance, and ego centric behavior made it difficult to stay connected. His libo has always been all important, and having kids made it difficult for me to keep up to the weekly quota he set. So last year I learned that he was involved with a prostitute. His delusion of wanting to move her in with us to have more children for him made me think he was bipolar.
It has taken me now a full year after to finally realize how bad his drug problem is. He was drinking oxy liquid, using valium and hydros, but convinced me to stay in the marriage after he said he would go away for treatment "in a few months". That time passed and he then agreed to see a psychiatrist and an addiction therapist. Went to psychiatrist once, and never went to the therapist. Promised to get rid of the girl, and wean off of the meds over 6 months. He did drop the Oxy, but I just learned about the IV drugs. He started them 5 months ago for reasons he can't explain. I now realize that he is not going to stop unless something bad happens.
So here come the questions: I miss the person he was- the one that's in there somewhere. I now understand why he has seemed so odd to me and to others for years- my family has noticed. Know he is sick, I do not want to leave him. He tries very hard now, since the affair has ended and we are reconnecting, to be a good husband. But it is so clear to me now what is happening and hard to put my head in the sand. His sleep habits are bizarre- up til 3 or 4 in the morning, then sleeping 12 or 1 on the weekends. He can nod off all weekend in his chair and my two young children need a father. We do not entertain though we have a wonderful home in which to do so. He usually doesn't want to see people much on the weekends. He is always exhausted and want's to doze in his chair with a book, computer and tv going. I know to many of you this may not sound so bad compared to many other stories, but I have a brother who is a life long addict and a good friend who is now two years sober. I've seen what really bad looks like, and how wonderful life can be for someone who is successfully in recovery. I'm told that with long term opiate use, something bad will eventually happens. I don't want to see him exposed and lose his medical license. I don't worry for my own embarrassment, but worry about my children.
He has compared his habit to the 150mg of Welbutrin that I have taken for 5 years now. He calls his habit his "medicine" sometimes, because he says it works for him. Again, outwardly he is very high functioning, but I see him collapse at home. Missing the kids functions, ball games. Having little energy or interest for them. Never keeps track of time and always late late for family functions, and very defensive if questioned. He expects to do nothing at home and so our kids are being raised to believe that a wife's role in the home is to focus all her energy on her husband, carry him his meals and run all with the house and kids- they see no team work. Mom does it all, dad lies in his chair in his room.
Ok- so long winded, but what CAN I do? Someone suggested I leave him, but my kids will be drug through that horrible situation. He insists he wants to get clean, but refuses to seek professional help because he says he will be turned in to the medical board and lose his license. He says compared to some, he has controlled it well these past 10 years, even though he began shooting morphine 6 months ago. As a healthcare provider, he has access to all he needs, so we won't have the problem of losing the house or car from high prices on the street. I worry there may never be the "rock bottom" that will finally make him realize he must stop. I tell him that I've read about long term usage altering your personality, which believe me I have seen, but he won't listen or tells me it's too late.
If you don't leave someone you love, and who loves you back, are you an enabler? Is there any good online help for physicians who need anonymity? He has seemed almost frail for several years now. Irritable, shaky on occasion, looses weight rapidly, then puts it back on. Goes on spending sprees. I have been with him for 18 yrs, and can't bear living with the knowledge of what he is doing to himself. What are some options, or does one just let him find his own way, and live with a husband and father who loves with us, but isn't there??? I'm a fixer, but don't know how to be supportive and help him get help, and not just enable and do nothing. Not sure if I know the difference. Some articles say let him find his way and be supportive. Others say get your kids out of there. My kids have not idea, they just know that Daddy rarely comes to their functions or shows interest in them unless they come up to his room. This all feels very hopeless. Our family had such promise. I wish these drugs were banned entirely!! I know without question that the abuse far out ways the good that they do. Help!
Our first 6 yrs together were fabulous, but it was when the business took off that he started using. I recently found out that he's switched to IV forms of opiates, and I'm terrified. He has a family member who is a heroine addict and lives on the streets. The even look alike. A year ago I learned where he was going when he wasn't at work-a secret life with a prostitute half his age. His family would never believe the story if they knew. It was hell for me. He has blamed me for years for our problems, and wouldn't recognize that his mood swings, distance, and ego centric behavior made it difficult to stay connected. His libo has always been all important, and having kids made it difficult for me to keep up to the weekly quota he set. So last year I learned that he was involved with a prostitute. His delusion of wanting to move her in with us to have more children for him made me think he was bipolar.
It has taken me now a full year after to finally realize how bad his drug problem is. He was drinking oxy liquid, using valium and hydros, but convinced me to stay in the marriage after he said he would go away for treatment "in a few months". That time passed and he then agreed to see a psychiatrist and an addiction therapist. Went to psychiatrist once, and never went to the therapist. Promised to get rid of the girl, and wean off of the meds over 6 months. He did drop the Oxy, but I just learned about the IV drugs. He started them 5 months ago for reasons he can't explain. I now realize that he is not going to stop unless something bad happens.
So here come the questions: I miss the person he was- the one that's in there somewhere. I now understand why he has seemed so odd to me and to others for years- my family has noticed. Know he is sick, I do not want to leave him. He tries very hard now, since the affair has ended and we are reconnecting, to be a good husband. But it is so clear to me now what is happening and hard to put my head in the sand. His sleep habits are bizarre- up til 3 or 4 in the morning, then sleeping 12 or 1 on the weekends. He can nod off all weekend in his chair and my two young children need a father. We do not entertain though we have a wonderful home in which to do so. He usually doesn't want to see people much on the weekends. He is always exhausted and want's to doze in his chair with a book, computer and tv going. I know to many of you this may not sound so bad compared to many other stories, but I have a brother who is a life long addict and a good friend who is now two years sober. I've seen what really bad looks like, and how wonderful life can be for someone who is successfully in recovery. I'm told that with long term opiate use, something bad will eventually happens. I don't want to see him exposed and lose his medical license. I don't worry for my own embarrassment, but worry about my children.
He has compared his habit to the 150mg of Welbutrin that I have taken for 5 years now. He calls his habit his "medicine" sometimes, because he says it works for him. Again, outwardly he is very high functioning, but I see him collapse at home. Missing the kids functions, ball games. Having little energy or interest for them. Never keeps track of time and always late late for family functions, and very defensive if questioned. He expects to do nothing at home and so our kids are being raised to believe that a wife's role in the home is to focus all her energy on her husband, carry him his meals and run all with the house and kids- they see no team work. Mom does it all, dad lies in his chair in his room.
Ok- so long winded, but what CAN I do? Someone suggested I leave him, but my kids will be drug through that horrible situation. He insists he wants to get clean, but refuses to seek professional help because he says he will be turned in to the medical board and lose his license. He says compared to some, he has controlled it well these past 10 years, even though he began shooting morphine 6 months ago. As a healthcare provider, he has access to all he needs, so we won't have the problem of losing the house or car from high prices on the street. I worry there may never be the "rock bottom" that will finally make him realize he must stop. I tell him that I've read about long term usage altering your personality, which believe me I have seen, but he won't listen or tells me it's too late.
If you don't leave someone you love, and who loves you back, are you an enabler? Is there any good online help for physicians who need anonymity? He has seemed almost frail for several years now. Irritable, shaky on occasion, looses weight rapidly, then puts it back on. Goes on spending sprees. I have been with him for 18 yrs, and can't bear living with the knowledge of what he is doing to himself. What are some options, or does one just let him find his own way, and live with a husband and father who loves with us, but isn't there??? I'm a fixer, but don't know how to be supportive and help him get help, and not just enable and do nothing. Not sure if I know the difference. Some articles say let him find his way and be supportive. Others say get your kids out of there. My kids have not idea, they just know that Daddy rarely comes to their functions or shows interest in them unless they come up to his room. This all feels very hopeless. Our family had such promise. I wish these drugs were banned entirely!! I know without question that the abuse far out ways the good that they do. Help!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome NotSoPerfect. Sorry to hear of your troubles, it's most certainly a stressful situation for you and the kids. I'd suggest you seek some support for yourself and your kids like alanon/alateen, and there is also a family and friends of addicts forum here .
Regarding your husband's addiction, unfortunately there is really nothing you can do other than be supportive if your husband asks for help. An ultimatum might help, but ultimately he's the only one who can admit the problem and make the decision to seek help. It's the dark underbelly of addiction - and most likely he doesn't want to be doing this to you, but he won't be able to stop it until he realizes it. Leaving may or may not be an option for you, and even that's not a guarantee that he will quit.
There are many options for him to seek treatment and remain anonymous if he does choose that path. Family medical leave is available and most insurance companiees will cover inpatient or outpatient treatment. At this point in his addiction though, as much as he would like to think he's fooling you and everyone around him, he is not. And if it continues frankly he'll lose his job anyway as the addiction always catches up.
Be strong for yourself and your family. Seek help for you and your kids. You can be honest with him about all this and express your concerns, which you have. But in the end it might take some drastic measures on both your part and his. Best of luck and do stay here on SR.
Regarding your husband's addiction, unfortunately there is really nothing you can do other than be supportive if your husband asks for help. An ultimatum might help, but ultimately he's the only one who can admit the problem and make the decision to seek help. It's the dark underbelly of addiction - and most likely he doesn't want to be doing this to you, but he won't be able to stop it until he realizes it. Leaving may or may not be an option for you, and even that's not a guarantee that he will quit.
There are many options for him to seek treatment and remain anonymous if he does choose that path. Family medical leave is available and most insurance companiees will cover inpatient or outpatient treatment. At this point in his addiction though, as much as he would like to think he's fooling you and everyone around him, he is not. And if it continues frankly he'll lose his job anyway as the addiction always catches up.
Be strong for yourself and your family. Seek help for you and your kids. You can be honest with him about all this and express your concerns, which you have. But in the end it might take some drastic measures on both your part and his. Best of luck and do stay here on SR.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
There is no reason to keep your posts short - we are here to listen to you.
I only have a second before I have to run to get the kids from school. Just wanted to welcome you to SR. Have a look at the friends and family forum.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I only have a second before I have to run to get the kids from school. Just wanted to welcome you to SR. Have a look at the friends and family forum.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by notsoperfect 
He insists he wants to get clean. . .
I understand the fear to lose his license. On the other hand, hitting rock bottom may mean injuring someone - either in his practice or via a DUI.
Originally Posted by notsoperfect
He says compared to some, he has controlled it well these past 10 years, even though he began shooting morphine 6 months ago.
He can be anonymous here. Perhaps reading people's stories will help wake him up. But if he doesn't truly want it, then it doesn't matter how hard you try to fix him.
God bless you. Have you tried Al Anon? It is time to take care of you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
There is nothing you can do for him. If he doesn't think he has a problem then there's nothing youcan do for him.
However,there is a lot you can do for you and your children.This really is an abusive marriage-he blames you for everything,he has a god like complex,he is seeing another woman and expects you to accept it,even move her into the family home. You sound like a slave,not a wife.
This really is no way to live and certainly not a partnership. I would urge you to get help from your local womens aid group. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Whilst your children may need a father they do not need a dictator who mostly ignores them, abuses their mother and treats her as a slave. Yoursons will grow up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat women and your daughters will grow up expecting men to abuse and mistreat them
I hope you get the help that YOU need
However,there is a lot you can do for you and your children.This really is an abusive marriage-he blames you for everything,he has a god like complex,he is seeing another woman and expects you to accept it,even move her into the family home. You sound like a slave,not a wife.
This really is no way to live and certainly not a partnership. I would urge you to get help from your local womens aid group. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Whilst your children may need a father they do not need a dictator who mostly ignores them, abuses their mother and treats her as a slave. Yoursons will grow up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat women and your daughters will grow up expecting men to abuse and mistreat them
I hope you get the help that YOU need
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi notsoperfect.
I won't diagnose your husband from a distance, but he does demonstrate traits and behaviors of someone with bipolar depression.
You wrote: "I'm told that with long term opiate use, something bad will eventually happens."
It's already too late for that. It's time to take action.
Their are Friends and Family, and Mental Health forums here that may help you.
I'll recommend what I recommend to people dealing with a disturbed spouse.
Google "CRAFT." It's a set of tools that help people remain safe and sane while their spouses are creating pain and chaos. Different from traditional interventions, CRAFT includes the identified patient in the process so that they can both contribute to healing when they're ready, and not feel ambushed at any time in the process. At minimum, the spouse informs the identified patient that he/she is consulting a mental health professional in order to better manage the difficulties that come with living with a spouse who has untreated psychiatric issues and/or addictions.
There's also a piece in CRAFT that helps to gently persuaded the affected spouse into treatment. It has a very good rate of success, even if the affected spouse never enters treatment.
After Googling "CRAFT," locate a trained professional in your area, and set up an appointment.
Your entire life is on the brink of falling down all around you. Now is not the time to despair, but the time to act.
I wish you all the best.
I won't diagnose your husband from a distance, but he does demonstrate traits and behaviors of someone with bipolar depression.
You wrote: "I'm told that with long term opiate use, something bad will eventually happens."
It's already too late for that. It's time to take action.
Their are Friends and Family, and Mental Health forums here that may help you.
I'll recommend what I recommend to people dealing with a disturbed spouse.
Google "CRAFT." It's a set of tools that help people remain safe and sane while their spouses are creating pain and chaos. Different from traditional interventions, CRAFT includes the identified patient in the process so that they can both contribute to healing when they're ready, and not feel ambushed at any time in the process. At minimum, the spouse informs the identified patient that he/she is consulting a mental health professional in order to better manage the difficulties that come with living with a spouse who has untreated psychiatric issues and/or addictions.
There's also a piece in CRAFT that helps to gently persuaded the affected spouse into treatment. It has a very good rate of success, even if the affected spouse never enters treatment.
After Googling "CRAFT," locate a trained professional in your area, and set up an appointment.
Your entire life is on the brink of falling down all around you. Now is not the time to despair, but the time to act.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 146
Your story sounds heartbreaking. Being a recovering addict I can tell you a couple of things straight up. First, he won't quit until he admits he has a problem. I was in the same place. Denial. I thought I had it under control. I was lying to myself. Everyone around me could see I had a problem except me.
Until he can take this 1st step, admitting he needs help, he will not quit. In the meantime, you need to take care of what you can: Yourself and your children. Get into Alanon or Naranon and get around others who know EXACTYLY what you are going through. Their support and advice will help you make decisions that will help your entire family, including him. It is not the end of the world, but when you take steps to help yourself, you will find yourself starting a new beginning.
Until he can take this 1st step, admitting he needs help, he will not quit. In the meantime, you need to take care of what you can: Yourself and your children. Get into Alanon or Naranon and get around others who know EXACTYLY what you are going through. Their support and advice will help you make decisions that will help your entire family, including him. It is not the end of the world, but when you take steps to help yourself, you will find yourself starting a new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 303
Notsoperfect my heart goes out to you. Please realise that children who live "inside" relationships such as the one you are describing can come away with a badly skewed version of the world in comparison to the alternative of living with one loving and attentive parent.
There are lots of different threads within this forum so when you get the time make sure to read them and, please don't worry about how much you post and start to get some help for yourself x You can only help you and your children at the moment.
There are lots of different threads within this forum so when you get the time make sure to read them and, please don't worry about how much you post and start to get some help for yourself x You can only help you and your children at the moment.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
Someone suggested I leave him, but my kids will be drug through that horrible situation.
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They already are in a horrible situation. He is risking not only his life but everyone elses--his family and his patients. It's hard to do but I really believe you need to separate from him and move out
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They already are in a horrible situation. He is risking not only his life but everyone elses--his family and his patients. It's hard to do but I really believe you need to separate from him and move out
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm sure he knows about Physician's Assistance program, which is peer-reviewed.
The thing is, this can't be maintained, sooner or later the National Board of Medical Examiners is going to catch him, or the DEA and he will lose his privileges and license.
i don't know what his subspecialty is, but he has to re-take his boards every 10 years? (i think this varies by state to state). If he's smart he will move some assets into your name only, or the kids. His malpractice insurance is most likely monitoring the cases that have been filed.
Just because he's a smart physician doesn't exclude him from unsafe sexual practices and drug addiction. yes, he should know better, but his addiction is running the show. he is not perfect, he's just good at hiding it for now, but it's going to unravel fast...don't believe him at this point.
The thing is, this can't be maintained, sooner or later the National Board of Medical Examiners is going to catch him, or the DEA and he will lose his privileges and license.
i don't know what his subspecialty is, but he has to re-take his boards every 10 years? (i think this varies by state to state). If he's smart he will move some assets into your name only, or the kids. His malpractice insurance is most likely monitoring the cases that have been filed.
Just because he's a smart physician doesn't exclude him from unsafe sexual practices and drug addiction. yes, he should know better, but his addiction is running the show. he is not perfect, he's just good at hiding it for now, but it's going to unravel fast...don't believe him at this point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks to all, sincerely. I am reading all I can, and seem to notice two different schools of thought: one says live your life, live and support but don't assist/cover for him. He will get help only when ready. The other days act now- ask family members for help, try an intervention, etc. says the waiting thing is older school of thought. Have not spoken with his parents, but I believe that if it were my child- no matter the age- I would want to know. Kids know they are loved, but also know daddy has been not so available for years. Since the affair and addiction were uncovered a year ago, he is consistently doing a better job with the kids and is starting to attend their ball games. But I don't know if it will last and not sure now if I can believe anything he says. I am convinced he could go on for years without detection since he has endless access. But finding syringes and morphine seem screams danger ahead to me. I don't want to leave him, but is it more selfless to take kids and go in hopes that he will help himself? I have always wanted to be a helpful partner. Watching him mod off is nearly impossible for me. At the cardiologist's office again- I have regular anxiety attacks now and have been seeing a therapist of the past year. Something's got to give, but which tactic is better? Stay and be supportive as I urge him to seek help, or love him as I leave with the kids?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Fandy-
He has never had a case filed. He is High level functional at work. People tell him daily/weekly that he has changed their life, and i must sY it is true. He is nearly flawless in his field, though I know he has a harder time keeping up the pace. Crazy as it sounds, he manages his addiction well enough at the moment that I do not see his work suffering- he is very gifted. Question is, will that change? He only uses in the evenings- not at work. Oddly enough, He will be doing a procedure on me in the near future. I have considered telling him I do not want him to do it unless he seeks help, but the truth is, I need to get this done and he is the only person I would trust. So hard to see your best friend living a secret life.
He has never had a case filed. He is High level functional at work. People tell him daily/weekly that he has changed their life, and i must sY it is true. He is nearly flawless in his field, though I know he has a harder time keeping up the pace. Crazy as it sounds, he manages his addiction well enough at the moment that I do not see his work suffering- he is very gifted. Question is, will that change? He only uses in the evenings- not at work. Oddly enough, He will be doing a procedure on me in the near future. I have considered telling him I do not want him to do it unless he seeks help, but the truth is, I need to get this done and he is the only person I would trust. So hard to see your best friend living a secret life.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I truly believe that you need to take care of yourself and your children. Have you thought hard about him doing a medical procedure for you? Knowing what you know? Addicts are good at hiding things. Really good. You may not be aware of it but he could be using during the day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I wouldn't let him touch me. much less put me under anesthesia.
He may be gifted at one time, but if you are finding syringes, morphine, he is having sex for an extended time with a prostitute and wanted to MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOUSE...he doesn't sound too stable from my viewpoint. You haven't mentioned his specialty, but if he is in reconstructive work, I understand what you are saying...and he has a team of gifted people who work with him when he's in the OR or most likely his private surgi-center...(how much DO THEY KNOW)?? when is he up for board recertification?
I hope you consider all of this, I really don't think that you can see just what you are in the middle of.
if i'm waay off base, i apologize...i'm bowing out of this, it's too ludicris to discuss...I do wish you the best to find some clarity about your/his situation and marriage.
He may be gifted at one time, but if you are finding syringes, morphine, he is having sex for an extended time with a prostitute and wanted to MOVE HER INTO YOUR HOUSE...he doesn't sound too stable from my viewpoint. You haven't mentioned his specialty, but if he is in reconstructive work, I understand what you are saying...and he has a team of gifted people who work with him when he's in the OR or most likely his private surgi-center...(how much DO THEY KNOW)?? when is he up for board recertification?
I hope you consider all of this, I really don't think that you can see just what you are in the middle of.
if i'm waay off base, i apologize...i'm bowing out of this, it's too ludicris to discuss...I do wish you the best to find some clarity about your/his situation and marriage.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by notsoperfect
Fandy-
He has never had a case filed. He is High level functional at work. People tell him daily/weekly that he has changed their life, and i must sY it is true. He is nearly flawless in his field, though I know he has a harder time keeping up the pace. Crazy as it sounds, he manages his addiction well enough at the moment that I do not see his work suffering- he is very gifted. Question is, will that change? He only uses in the evenings- not at work. Oddly enough, He will be doing a procedure on me in the near future. I have considered telling him I do not want him to do it unless he seeks help, but the truth is, I need to get this done and he is the only person I would trust. So hard to see your best friend living a secret life.
He has never had a case filed. He is High level functional at work. People tell him daily/weekly that he has changed their life, and i must sY it is true. He is nearly flawless in his field, though I know he has a harder time keeping up the pace. Crazy as it sounds, he manages his addiction well enough at the moment that I do not see his work suffering- he is very gifted. Question is, will that change? He only uses in the evenings- not at work. Oddly enough, He will be doing a procedure on me in the near future. I have considered telling him I do not want him to do it unless he seeks help, but the truth is, I need to get this done and he is the only person I would trust. So hard to see your best friend living a secret life.
Regarding your questions about the 2 schools of thought, there's no reason you have to choose both. You could offer an ultimatum of sorts without leaving. But as others have mentioned you need to get some support for yourself and your kids now, regardless of what happens. If he doesn't get help, everything is going to come crashing down - again it's not a question of "IF" but "when". Basically thigns are already pretty much ruined at home from your description. The only thing left is for him to lose his career.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 1,052
Wow. I am really moved by your story. It is such a difficult situation. I really don't think you can count not losing the car or the house because he can get free drugs at work as a plus though! And even if he lost access to those drugs he'd probably just move to heroin.
I think you need to get the kids out of there. That might be his bottom.
I think you need to get the kids out of there. That might be his bottom.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 1
I just separated from my husband of 12 years three weeks ago. I so relate to your agonizing - I had many of the same thoughts. My husband does not have a drug/alcohol problem, but he had other addiction issues that caused him to be very difficult to live with, and to not be involved in raising our daughter or to be a part of any social or community life.
In the days after I rented my apartment, but before I actually moved, I had some really bad days, wondering if I was going to kill him by leaving him, wondering if I was being selfish, and feeling cold-blooded.
As it turned out, he doesn't seem to miss me all that much. We live within walking distance of each other, and he has become much more interested in our daughter when she visits him without me in the house. Before I moved they both asked me about each other (As in, "Does she need to eat?" or "Do you think Daddy would take me to the store, since you can't?") She can come back to my house any time she wants so I don't worry about her being neglected.
I have started taking care of myself in a way I hadn't for several years now that I have my own space. My mind is clearer and I have much more energy. I am starting to mourn the last several years. . .
Anyway, you might consider a short-term separation, to be reassessed in three months. That would give you time to clear your mind and think more clearly about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I wish you all the very, very best.
Karen
In the days after I rented my apartment, but before I actually moved, I had some really bad days, wondering if I was going to kill him by leaving him, wondering if I was being selfish, and feeling cold-blooded.
As it turned out, he doesn't seem to miss me all that much. We live within walking distance of each other, and he has become much more interested in our daughter when she visits him without me in the house. Before I moved they both asked me about each other (As in, "Does she need to eat?" or "Do you think Daddy would take me to the store, since you can't?") She can come back to my house any time she wants so I don't worry about her being neglected.
I have started taking care of myself in a way I hadn't for several years now that I have my own space. My mind is clearer and I have much more energy. I am starting to mourn the last several years. . .
Anyway, you might consider a short-term separation, to be reassessed in three months. That would give you time to clear your mind and think more clearly about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I wish you all the very, very best.
Karen
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Soberspace
Posts: 591
Notsoperfect,
Your story is painful for me to read in more ways than one.
Children and yourself come first, your husband is ultimately responsible for his own addiction regardless of what started it. I sincerely hope that there is a way for him to get clean without losing his license, there has to be some kind of solution, such as previously suggested physicians assistance. Doing IV opiates is very serious in terms of addiction severity. Also the prostitute affair shows signs of deteriorating judgement.
It must seem like a nightmare.
Your husband's claim that it is "too late" may be the addiction affecting his judgement again, a way to justify continued abuse as "he is already lost, so why stop?". I don't think you should take his word for granted regarding that. I assume you are living in the U.S, pretty sure there is help to get but as already said, your husband needs to cooperate.
About that medical procedure you need, there are other physicians that can do it, not sure how it works in U.S with insurances and so on but there must be others. Also doing advanced procedures upon close family and friends isn't very appropriate in my opinion, not if there are skilled alternative physicians.
I hope there can be a solution for your family. Contacting his parents seems like a good idea in getting your husband to cooperate.
Your story is painful for me to read in more ways than one.
Children and yourself come first, your husband is ultimately responsible for his own addiction regardless of what started it. I sincerely hope that there is a way for him to get clean without losing his license, there has to be some kind of solution, such as previously suggested physicians assistance. Doing IV opiates is very serious in terms of addiction severity. Also the prostitute affair shows signs of deteriorating judgement.
It must seem like a nightmare.
Your husband's claim that it is "too late" may be the addiction affecting his judgement again, a way to justify continued abuse as "he is already lost, so why stop?". I don't think you should take his word for granted regarding that. I assume you are living in the U.S, pretty sure there is help to get but as already said, your husband needs to cooperate.
About that medical procedure you need, there are other physicians that can do it, not sure how it works in U.S with insurances and so on but there must be others. Also doing advanced procedures upon close family and friends isn't very appropriate in my opinion, not if there are skilled alternative physicians.
I hope there can be a solution for your family. Contacting his parents seems like a good idea in getting your husband to cooperate.
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