jstar

Just realized I was at my dining room table playing candy crush saga on my phone and eating taco bell. What the hell? Totally freaked out at the moment as this would mean that I drank vodka, drove to taco bell, and decided to download apps to my phone which I rarely do and don't recall how this began. Am also flashing to my AA friend taking me to a meeting tonight...

OMG

I think I'm going insane or something. I was doing so well, had 44 days...what in the world am I doing? This is the weirdest ever

God if you are there help me

DisplacedGRITS

I recently came off a bender too. So bad, at one point my husband had to GPS ping my phone to find me because i couldn't tell him where i was. There is hope for both of us. Gotta pick ourself up, dust ourselves off and try again. I know what i gotta change. You gotta figure yours out when you're back to rights.

Dee74

I'm sorry that BBQ really threw you for a loop.
Take care of yourself tonight jstar.

D

ReadyAtLast

Not sure I understand.Do you mean you have had a drink or just can't remember and not sure. I know in early sobriety my memory was dreadful and I could easily forget things

RDBplus3

jstar,
It seems to me that you may have experienced that 'Strange Mental Blank Spot' that the AA Big Book refers to.
It has happened to me, and it is scary. The AA 12 & 12, step 1, states that it is terrible to realize, that with glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an addictive state.
So, if you and I can slip into an auto-pilot condition that we can be so at-risk for DUI, harm to others, making an ass of ourselves, etc....maybe we need to realize we have a serious malady that needs to be dealt with? I am coming to that realization, and posts like yours help me realize how serious this Addiction is.

hypochondriac

Where did the vodka come from Jstar?

jstar

Almost 4am here, can't sleep. Yesterday I bought a really small vodka at the store, I thought surely it wasn't enough to get blackout drunk like I used to do. I was so mad about the stupid bbq I posted about yesterday, I boxed up every stich of recovery literature I have and threw it out in the garage (dumb move). My phone is littered with conversations I had with people over text, how embarrassing. Worse thing is knowing now that I threw away all the sober time I had & for what? Knowing that I drove around town last night drunk, that is really a stupid thing to do. Then woke up hours before dawn, feel like crap (deserved) , and I grab my phone to check the time and I'm logged into SR with the page up that says if you are suicidal read this first. I've just burst into tears. What is happening. I've been in an IOP night program for 6 weeks now plus going to meetings and now this. I can't express in words the feeling I have right now and somehow I keep doing this over and over again

hypochondriac

I know you have struggled with this Jstar and that the bbq threw you a bit but you do need to take some personal responsibility here. It isn't a matter of do this and this happens, go to meetings/stay sober. You need to get honest with yourself and concentrate on what is going on in your own head. It sounds like you haven't fully accepted that you need to quit. Why even buy just a small amount of vodka? Why did you throw your recovery literature out? Was it because of what people were saying about someone else at the bbq. You know better than them and should have faith in your own knowledge about addiction. We can't let other people's words or actions affect our sobriety. We're screwed if we do cos there will always be some ******** who says go on one won't hurt. Have faith in yourself and in your support network! You have AA and your IOP and us right? How come you chose to listen to some dick at a bbq rather than a bunch of sober people who only want the best for you and want to see you well again. Hugs to you xxx

Fandy

yes, I think that you need to realize this didn't just magically happen....

YOU planned to drink "a small bottle of vodka"....you answered the phone when Mr. Phuckette called for a date. Did you post about the barbq to justify this? I thought you were truly venting?

you drove while black out drunk, risking your life and possibly the life of someone else for a very selfish reason.

maybe you need a more intense therapy if you want to stop? I'm not trying to be unkind, but it sounds like you used the barbq to justify your actions of going to the store, buying vodka, drinking it and then pretend you just don't know what happened?

where is your husband and kids when all this happened?

IDK, but I hope you pick up the pieces, take responsibility and decide you are really quitting. it's possible and worth it.

alphaomega

This has scared the absolute hell out of me. Living proof that the disease progresses even in abstination.
I'm genuinely terrified for you.

Let this be your blackout wake up call JStar. It sure was mine.

Thank you for posting your honest struggle. I will carry this with me for a long long time.

My very best to you.

Anna

You went to the BBQ and didn't drink, and then you started drinking again. The exact same thing happened to me. I went to a neighborhood part, week 1, and got through it, but it was miserable. The next day I was off to the store to find wine. I knew for sure that I needed to avoid those situations for a very long time. Do what you need to do for yourself, not for your husband and not for what others think you should do. Focus on you need to get back on your recovery path and you can make this work.

Opivotal

Anne, I can relate...I did the exact same thing. Stayed sober for a family event..was miserable and drank myself silly the next day. I stayed away from "all" triggering events until I felt strong in my sobriety.

jstar, I got to the point, where I never knew if one drink or a bottle would send me into a "blackout". I had no control..that was so terrifying to me. I realized at the point I had to stop completely. The consequences outweighed any thoughts of having a drink.

You can do this jstar and gain control of your life again. No more embarrassing texts, phone calls, fear of a DUI, or putting yourself and others at risk.

I wish you the best in your journey.

soberclover

When you drink only a little alcohol and it causes a black out that is your wake up call that you and alcohol DO NOT mix anymore. Your body is not able to process the alcohol like before. It is a sign that I refused to acknowledge for a really long time. I was blessed in the fact that I didn't kill anyone despite wrapping my car and me around a tree while in a blackout from drinking only a small amount of alcohol. During my last blackout I ended up with a pretty bad head injury in the intensive care unit. 9 months later I'm still dealing with the brain injury "stuff"....I'm sober now. It scared me. Be scared. Stop drinking.

ScottFromWI

I am glad you are at least physically safe and didn't injure anyone else Jstar. It's proof that alcoholism is a progressive disease. And sometimes it progresses very, very quickly. Hopefully this is your "wake up" call that serious help is needed.

The good news is that you are safe, and you now have all the cards on the table to make a decision about how you want to move forward.

13unluckyforsom

Yknow I can't offer you any great words of wisdom or anything amazing that's going to heal you... I've only been sober 3 weeks so I'm new at this. All I want to say is that basically you, I and all the rest of us SR People know you mucked up. Intentional or unintentional it happened. Pick up the bits and start again. That's basically all there is to it unless you want to keep being a drunk then that's your choice.

I feel genuine upset for you - you sound pretty sad and I hope you do pick yourself up cos you seem like a nice person - just a bit lost. It doesn't mean it's always going to be this way - it just means you need to find a way of recovering that works for you.

You still have your 44 days experience in your pocket and just because u messed up once doesn't mean you can't start again. You can and I hope you will. Sending a hug your way. I think u need one today.

Mountainmanbob

EndGameNYC

Hi jstar.

Sorry to read about your personal Twilight Zone episode.

Your story demonstrates the importance of support while we're in early sobriety. Sponsors in AA will tell the people they're helping to call them before the first drink, not after.

If you don't have a support system, treatment or a program in place to help you along, now would be a good time to start.

I don't like the words 'slip' or 'relapse' to characterize what happens when we pick up the drink. Anyone can slip and fall, and plenty of folks suffering from medical conditions can relapse, despite their best efforts to heal. Those words suggest that drinking happens to us, rather than our making a conscious decision to drink. If that decision is truly and completely out of our hands, then we're most definitely doomed.

Identify what didn't work, and put down the drink.

ReadyAtLast

Ah I understand now. If you went to the store to buy vodka then your intention must have been to drink. It's probably goodto look at what you're going to do now for your recovery to ensure you don't go buy vodka again.Come to SR, go to a meeting ,call your sponsor,do anything else when you feel the need to buy vodka.I agree, your post implies you have no idea howthis happened as though it happened to you. Whilst we all relate to memory loss when we start to drink,we make the initial choice to start drinking,it doesn't just happen. As they say,it's thefirst drink that gets us drunk

Hope you come back and avoid difficult situations so early on

AlefVavResh

Scary!

At this point you just have to forgive yourself and move forward. . . But call your AA friend before you buy anything next time.

LillianGish

Hang in there jstar ~ don't give up.

And silly girl, don't be buying any more vodka. Here's a cyber-smack upside the head...no, actually, here's a hug (((HUG))))

Now, get back on that sober horse. She'll take you many wonderful places!