lillamy

Just heavy sad about how long we have yet to go after how long we've already come. Me and the children. And angry that while I'm trying to keep all our heads above water AXH is trying to tie weights to our legs.

I'm in one of those spots where recovery work feels like a curse not a blessing.

I know it will pass. I know I need a meeting. I know I'm just overwhelmed with practicalities, logistics, that it will pass. I know that rationally but tonight I'm not feeling it. Just tired to the bone.

I'm listening to angry music, walking a lot, and crying a lot. I feel like a teenager and just hate everything.

Impurrfect

lillamy - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm both an RA AND have A's who I've loved, some I still do, and it's hard.

I don't get why I'm still struggling when at least one of my 3 XABFs is doing just great. I have NO desire to be back with him, and will gladly let his last codie wife deal with him (she made me look like an amateur in the codie stuff) yet I still questioned "why?" when I found out about his marriage.

I truly feel for you, having kids and struggling to make ends meet. I always wanted a LOT of kids, but it just didn't happen, and I don't know HOW I would deal with kids by an A, so I totally admire you.

Hang in there sweetie. You have an awesome program in place, you reach out, you do all the right things. The benefits of this behavior may not be immediately available, but I will matter (especially with your kids).

You are doing great. Tough times suck..no doubt, but they don't last forever.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

BuffaloGal

Crank up that angry music. It's fine to hate everything for the time being, why should teenagers have the market cornered?

I'm sitting here reflecting on how miserable it is to be mildly depressed. Major depression is horrible, been there and got the T-shirt, but I just don't want to be bothered with any number of pressing problems just at the moment. I need to find a place to live and a new job, and the daughter needs braces, and I'm racking up a terrible bill boarding my cats, the sink is full of dirty dishes and the brownies are gone. I just ate the last one. I want to lie here and sulk and I'm really too old for that.

Funny I was just thinking about this though, something I understand with my heart now that I only understood with my brain when I was 17. The things I hate about my life, they aren't permanent. The things I might envy about other's lives aren't permanent either. You are absolutely right, it does pass. Take a moment and let yourself be in the future when the logistics are dealt with... that future is coming. Share some ESH with yourself until you can go to a meeting

--BG

ShootingStar1

Hey, we're here with you. Just imagine that lots of us are on that walk with you, all listening to you, sharing and caring.

Sometimes it does just get so hard that it seems unbearable. And it is so unfair. Why, in the cosmic lottery, did we have to draw this ticket? And, for me, I think the worse thing is that it IS unfair.

Some lives seem so charmed. I just joined my son's in-laws as they celebrated their grandfather's 85th birthday, and they joked and played word games and teased each other, and generally we all had a whale of a good time.

It was like looking through a window to see what other people grew up with instead of the tense hostile alcoholic environment my childhood family was. I am so glad that I escaped my abusive XAH and that my son and his babies are growing up in a normal, happy family where people love each other and show it. And they are including me in this life.

As for us, we trooper on, soldier through the tough spots, because the options are worse, and eventually our children grow up happy and healthy and that may be reward enough.

You post one of my most favorite quotes "When you're going through hell, keep on going". Winston Churchill has been my inspiration for a long time, and I went to his WWII war command center in London.. It is a rabbit warren of small plain rooms, deep within the belly of a building, exactly as he left it as he fought that most terrible war and led the souls of the free world to victory as much as he led the soldiers.

When the war was at its darkest, in the deep of the night with the Nazi planes coming overhead with their deadly weapons, Churchill would go to the top of the building and stand on the roof and shake his fists and rail at the planes.

Keep the faith, my dear, in the long trajectory of life, this is just another low spot to be surmounted, and we shall prevail.

ShootingStar1

Hammer

Maybe true dat . . . .

Then again, Churchill was sort of on the Alcoholic side of things, no?

But in THIS realm, surrender, dropping to one's knees, and praising God for the opportunity to be drawn closer . . . is usually the path to a quick and certain win.

Just my observation.

But it is always our choice for our own paths.

lillamy

Oh, Buffalo, you made me LOL this morning! Thank you!

It's just a rough spot. You know how things come in waves? My counselor explains it like this -- it's like you're a pressure cooker with all these memories and pains and experiences begging for your attention. And you can only let out a few at a time. So you let a few out, and you examine them, and you listen to them, and you conquer them or pat them on the back or whatever they need -- and then they calm down. And then you take a deep breath and go "well THAT wasn't so bad now, was it?" and as long as you let them out a little bit at a time, you can just keep doing that until the pressure is gone.

But the problem is, when you DON'T let them out little by little -- they tend to blow the lid off.

And I think that's what happened to me.
I've been so focused on the kids. I've been so focused on a new job. I've been so focused on a whole lot of stuff and, again, put myself last. Put my meetings last. Put my recovery last. And then POOF! the lid blows off and we have beet juice and tears all over the place.

Thank you guys for being there.
And Hammer, thank you for reminding me of who is ALWAYS there.

Tuffgirl

Lillamy, you've had a LOT on your plate. Having some days like this is normal - doesn't mean you will wallow there forever. But taking a day here and there to just feel is a good thing.

I had the strangest experience the other day - heard a song on the radio and immediately had a grief reaction from the loss of my best friend last fall. Maybe because its fall here now and I am reminded; maybe the song itself, or maybe I haven't really let myself feel much lately because I am too darn busy. Either way, I simply let myself have that moment to feel that grief. To say out loud that I really miss her (no one was around, so I could freely talk out loud to myself!!)

Remember that if we let them, emotions pass over - but not if we hold them all in all the time.

Peace,
~T

MamaKit

Lillamy,
You are an inspiration to me ...even when you are reaching out to SR for support. I logged on with the express purpose of sending support and hugs your way...and wouldn't you know it?.... You have (albeit likely inadvertently) provided me with some needed support with the pressure cooker analogy that gave me some timely perspective.

I am sorry that your AXH continues to weigh you down as you are trying to maintain a level existence for you and your children. It's almost as if our A's see it as their job, no? I could offer some pithy remark about how it is a bit like weight training....we only build strength via the application of resistance. Which is true.....but, I don't think either one of us is looking to be Arnold Schwarzeneg......uhhhh...Lou Ferrigno (why are their names so hard to spell?). Anyway, when will we be sculpted and chizzled with a sufficient amount of muscle to be strong enough? Is it a journey with no end? I don't know.

But considering the strength you provide to others here on this forum, I know you can get through this. In the meantime, I send you heartfelt hugs and all the support I can.

MamaKit

Florence

WHEN MY NECK IS AS THICK AS MY THIGH.

Amy, all jokes aside, when I feel like this (as I have been lately) I know it's time for me to take care of myself a little extra. I go to bed earlier, make an effort to get outdoors, eat some excellent food, and really maximize all the other things I do to comfort myself and get myself back in a good headspace. This feeling that it's not worth it and it's a burden is one of my depression narratives.

(I also turn off the mean music and turn on something dance-y. I'm not sure it's possible to feel mean and hard-edged about the world while wiggling your booty to some ridiculous song at the same time.)

MsPINKAcres

"This too shall pass" ~
whether it's good or it's bad it's gonna pass and probably knock ya for a loop when it does - so hold on and get ready for the ride ~

suggestion given to me by an al-anon oldtimer ~ somedays those rides are like the fair and ugh I need dramamine to make it thru!

So I scream like I would on a roller coaster (well my venting scream is usually in my journal or to a listening ear from a recovery friend!) and let the crazy feelings escape so I can return to my place of sanity

Gotta have that release so I can get back on track to my normal state of pinkness! lol

Hope, prayers & good thoughts that today you feel a sense of renewed peace, serenity & a lighter load!

pink hugs

Katiekate

sending hugs sweets.

you have this, rage for awhile, it's good for you. :0

then I know, you will keep going

Sueski

Hi Amy. I hope the weather is looking better in your neck of the woods. You are one of the people whose posts are always helpful. Just thought you might like to know that.

Now, for your soundtrack... If you still want rage, I highly recommend Bodies, by Drowning Pool. I am not sure i can post a link, but boy is that a good song for angry. If you are ready for happy, try a waltz. Any waltz will do! seriously, I defy you to stay angry while listening to a waltz.

<<<<hugs>>>> to you.

Rosiepetal

So sorry for the way you are feeling & completely understand.
Our lives with our children have to go on regardless & sometimes we get lost in it.
I try to do something for me which is usually exercise which makes me feel good at least 3 times a week.
It's funny really because a while back I bought a weekly magnetic planner to put on the fridge & have been writing each members schedule for the week, we all have assigned commitments.
I built my workouts into this schedule & it makes it easier to work it.
Hugs to you.

AnvilheadII

it isn't recovery that brought this on, it is recovery that gives you the strength and power you need to keep going.

Springs

Hugs and support.

lillamy

Yes.
And when I'm in a better frame of mind, I recommend 12-step thinking for everyone, because whether you have addicts in your life or not, minding your own business and knowing your own boundaries and taking responsibility for your own feelings is good for anyone. Crap, I wish I had learned it in Kindergarten!

I'm just ANGRY that I have to keep doing this. I think that's it. That I somewhere feel like the influence of an alcoholic marriage should f***ing END at some point. I want to pack it up and sink it in the ocean and be DONE with it.

It's not the recovery. The recovery gives me the tools and the strength. You are so right, Anvil.

I'm just tired of going to yet another school conference, try to schedule yet another counseling session around the school schedule, balancing my needs against those of my children (acknowledging I have needs that need attending to)... the relentlessness of it.

But I had to slap some sense into myself this morning. Because regardless of how tough things can feel right now -- they're one heck of a lot better than when I lived with AXH. I still have anxiety attacks, but back then, I woke up with anxiety. Now, I wake up with a smile. Back then, my first thought would be "Oh, F**K." Every day.

So I need to keep things in perspective. But I also need to remind myself that the fact that I can whine over the things I whine about is a sign of health. Actually. Because it means I have nothing worse to whine about.

BeatleChick

I'm sorry you're here. I am somewhere similar. Angry music sounds good right about now.

I have no advice, as this is new territory for me as well...I just know that strong boundaries, and living in the moment, really helps me function as a happier person.

m1k3

Hi Lillamy and ((((hugs)))

Sorry you are going through this but it really sounds like you know what's going on and how to fix it. That's actually a good place to be.

I hope things get better soon and the water calms down and you have smooth sailing ahead.

Your friend,

lillamy

Off to listen to it now!

fourmaggie

this too shall pass