Miki40

Hi,

I am knew here and needed some advice. I have just had a horrendous flight with my BF, who I believe to be an Alcoholic, over an Alanon meeting I went to last Monday. He says they are a cult and that if I continue to go he will leave me, that he could not be with someone that believes in such crazy stuff. he has been trying non stop to prove through sites and forums on the internet, such as bottled up, that Alanon is no good and is a cult. He told me he knows because when he was a teenager he had to go to AA and they use the same 12 step program. Of course this was 25 yrs ago.

I personally don't have any experience with Alanon, except for the meeting I just went to. I have been reading many books over the last several years and visiting many websites. A good friend of mine told me about Alanon last year. I just recently bought some of their books and have been reading. I decided to go to my first meeting last Monday after hitting a breaking point with my BF. We have been together for 7.5 yrs. Over the past several months he has been on a downward spiral with drinking. Last weekend he came home in the middle of the night and then passed out in his car until 10 am. He has had several all nighters over the last 2 months. However, when he is home, he spends all his time in the garage drinking and listening to music. On the weekends he sleeps in (watching TV) in the bedroom until around 1 PM. I have been feeling isolated and so alone in the relationship. We have had problems for 7 of the 7.5 yrs we've been together, with the constant fighting, name calling, etc. At first I just thought he was a major narcissist and emotional abuser, but now I think he has a drinking problem and just projects his low self esteem on me. I told him last weekend his drinking was out of control and that I was thinking of moving out for awhile to think things through. I also told him I was going to the Alanon meeting. He promised to stop drinking for a year even said he had a drinking problem. Now a week later, he doesn't have a drinking problem and will only drink one 36 ounces on the weekends. okay. But now I am the one with the issues because I told him I was going to go back to the Alanon meeting tomorrow, Monday.

To be honest when I went to the meeting it seemed okay. I was pretty emotional and upset, but not once felt like anyone was telling me what to think or what to do. I do not believe in a higher being "god" so I have to admit the whole mentioning of god is a little weird for me. I also feel that I have a very strong personality and am not easily influenced or manipulated by others. I really just went to be able to vent some, although I was too upset to do so, and to just know that I wasn't alone. I told my BF that I was doing this for me, not him, and to leave it be, but he just wont stop trying to convince me that Alalon is bad news.

My question is, has anyone had a bad experience with Alalon? Has anyone had this similar thing happen with someone in their life when they find out you are going to Alalon. Just wondering if this is normal behavior or not. Any advise or thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hammer

Some alcoholics and addicts seem to have a bad time with Alanon.

Once we start working the program, especially.

Mrs. Hammer very much so lately. Very Much so lately.

And she has had 16 years around AA.

I will not put up with her lying anymore, and it is a great discomfort to her.

waaaahhhh!



THANK YOU, GOD and ALANON! (and all my friends here at SR, too.)

jaynie04

I would say that anything that helps you when you are struggling is worth considering. People put labels on a lot of things. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation and I think that looking beyond your boyfriend right now sounds like a healthy decision. Alcoholics in the throes of addiction don't like anything that challenges their drinking or that might cause the people in their lives to set boundaries and limitations.

You had the experience at Al-Anon, not him, and you are there for you, not him. If someone had challenged my drinking before I was ready to quit I would have thrown up every smokescreen possible.

Welcome!

honeypig

Normal behavior for an alcoholic whose cushy setup of 7+ years is being threatened by his girlfriend starting to go to Alanon and realizing that she is being used/abused? I'd say totally normal! Why would he want you to start realizing that the relationship you have with him is NOT good? You might start to get healthy and leave him and THEN who would he use for an emotional punching bag? No, definitely Alanon is not going to be seen as a good thing by an active A.

Look up the definition of a cult and see if Alanon fits the description. I certainly have never been asked to give all my money and worldly possessions to Alanon, only to put a dollar in the donation basket. I have never been told to believe only what some leader tells me to believe--in fact, quite the opposite.

Some Alanon meetings are dysfunctional--Alanon is composed of human beings, some of whom are not healthy, and usually this is pretty obvious. It's one of the reasons newbies are advised to attend 6 different meetings before deciding if Alanon is for them, just in case they happened to find a meeting that may not be as active/healthy as it should be. By and large, tho, I find Alanon meetings to be filled w/compassionate, intelligent, savvy individuals who are willing to share their experience, strength and hope but will never demand that you act or think in a particular way.

Welcome to SR, and please, do as much reading here as you possibly can--I have a feeling you'll benefit from this AND from Alanon immensely. There is simply no way you deserve to spend more time in an abusive relationship, and educating yourself about alcoholism and codependency will be some great first steps in getting your freedom.

Springs

I say call his bluff - if he's willing to leave you over a few meetings, what does that say?

Hammer

I guess that was the real question, huh?

You are correct, miki -- what you are dealing with is called "emotional blackmail" or "emotional abuse."

Pretty much Mrs. Hammer's last line of defense, as well.

"Going to take the kids, and yadda, yadda."

Her addled little A brain did not figure out the kids are smarter than she is, and already lined up to make sure they that I take care of them.

You are bound to hear A LOT more nutty stuff from him, as you get better. Open up one of the Quacker Threads on here for a laugh or two about it all.

choublak

I just looked up that site. It doesn't say anything about Alanon being a cult.

Miki40

Honeypig, thanks for the insight. It makes perfect sense. That was really what I was thinking to begin with, but after hearing my BF repeat for hours on end that it was something different I was starting to question it. It is helpful hearing views from other. Thanks for the support, I needed it today

dandylion

Miki, I completely agree with everything that has been said by the other posters!

Yeah--Like Hammer said--go to the thread called QUACKERS---you will be AMAZED--plus it will make you laugh your your ring off. See what stupid stuff all the other alcoholics are saying.

dandylion

catlovermi

Well, let's see.

• Alanon says take what you need and leave the rest. You are allowed to think for yourself. You are allowed to make whatever decisions you decide are best for you.
  
• Alanon is free, although it accepts small donations.
  
• Alanon does not socially isolate you, or tell you whom you may or may not associate with, or how.
  
• Alanon has no leaders, to tell you what to do. No leaders. None.
  
• While Alanon does suggest a Higher Power, you are free to choose ANY sort of higher power you want, so long as it's not you. In other words, you are not the be all, end all of the universe, there are things larger than you.
  
• You are free to come and go, or to leave, any time you want. Or return.

How many cults does that describe?

Yeah, I thought so.

Addicts FEAR losing their cushy enablers. All addicts have an instinctive fear of their partner going to Alanon, because THINGS MIGHT CHANGE!

CLMI

NWGRITS

Al-Anon is getting you out of the Cult of the Alcoholic. He's going to turn on anything that is going to make YOU better and make HIM figure out new ways to hold onto his ability to drink while you sit around and suffer.

funkynassau

I think your bf doesnt want you rocking his alcoholic boat. He's jittery because you are doing something for you and he doesnt like it and doesnt understand it. Telling you it's a cult is ridiculous, it's part of him not wanting you to do anything that might affect his drinking.

Just wondering, if your relationship has been rocky for 7 of the 7.5 yrs., why have you stayed with him so long?

fluffyflea

Ha ha ha don,t listen to him. It,s not a cult it will make you stronger in dealing with him.

Seren

Sadly, I've heard this over and over again from members here, that the alcoholic in their life claims Al-Anon is a cult.

It's all a ploy for control over you and your actions. Please do what you believe is in your best interest. If that is to attend Al-Anon meetings, then by all means, go.

Carlotta

Too bad he does not spend as much time and energy on becoming sober as he spends on trying to find dirt on Al Anon.
I joined Al Anon in 2001 and my XABF got very abusive. At first he was amused and joked I went to the "little wifey's club" but as I started setting boundaries and detaching he grew more and more abusive.
And yes I am a proud cult member: I am in the cult of not letting someone else's drunken bs drive me nuts

Miki40

Thanks everyone for the advice. He has been on me all day about this, begging me not to go, saying he was afraid for me getting "sucked in". to be frank I just couldn't take the arguing over it anymore, the constant showing me on the internet hiw bad it was that I just finally broke down and said, " fine I won't go" I know i should not have said it, but i was desperate to have sanity. so now what, im not one to go behind his back. Maybe I can learn as much here on this site. Thanks for listening

Carlotta

?????
Of course you are welcome here until he figures out that you are going to this site and puts a parental block on SR or God knows what.

Miki40

To Funkynassau,

There's a few reasons why I've stuck around for so long, one I really do love the good things and there is good things, secondly every time I'm really ready to leave he begs me to stay that he'll change that everything will be better, but it always goes back, and third I bought the house I have a huge loan out on it and he won't ever leave and I can't sale it without a huge loss. Part of me is having a hard time leaving because of the house, I know it shouldn't be a reason but it is. If I hadn't had this house 7 yrs ago I would of left then, but the market tanked and I was so scared of losing all the money I put down.

BeatleChick

I have learned, that when people feel threatened or when something could cause them to look at their own beliefs and habits, they lash out and call it a cult.

I was a Hare Krisha for years. My friends and family called it a cult (it's not...not any more than their churches), and tried to get me to stop. I didn't...until i was ready.

Do what serves YOU. Does it serve you to go to meetings? Does it serve you to educate yourself and become healthy? Then go.

honeypig

You can certainly learn a lot on this site and find tons of support. However, we can't offer you a couch to sleep on if you need it. We can't help you move to a new place to live or go out for coffee and talk. We can't always be available for an emergency phone call. It's a good idea to have real-world backup, b/c you never know what you may need or when.

As far as "going behind his back", I don't believe I myself would feel I had to honor a statement made under pressure. How much has he honored the promises he has made to YOU? If Alanon helps you, you should go. And as another poster mentioned, what happens when he finds out about this site and tells you THIS is a cult, too, and gosh, he is just soooooo concerned about you and that you'll get sucked in--like you're not an adult and capable of making your own decisions! Again, these are all efforts to control you.

You say you are a strong person and not easily influenced--then please don't allow yourself to be pressured into cutting yourself off from those who can offer you support and wisdom born of experience.