healthyagain

Detachment works great so far. I am not causing trouble and it also seems that he does not like to be that loud if there is no my reaction. I totally ignore him - last night he was producing this despicable spitting sound, twice, trying to acknowledge that he did not like dinner (yet another long story). My blood was boiling, but I did not move. I pretended that I was sleeping.

So, the question is, do you ever talk to your alcoholic spouses about these incidents later? Do you wait till when they are sober and express your feelings, or you just ignore the whole episode and focus on your happiness?

The thing is, I would really like to express my concern again and let him know that this might become a serious issue in the future, but do you think it is just better to mind my own business?

Sueski

I don't usually bother bringing things up unless they were a huge deal. It's just not worth it over small potatoes. Example: the other night we had a kerfuffle over something he believes about me. After I decided I would no longer argue and that I would have a pleasant the ending regardless of his sulking, he decided to shoot the spray bottle at the cat when she wasn't being bad. ThIs had nothing to do with the cat. He was trying to provoke me because he knows i feel strongly about that kind of thing. I ignored it. I knew it wasn't actually hurting her, even though it isn't right, and she's smart enough to go in another room. He stopped. I didn't bother talking it over in the morning. Not worth it.

I don't know if this is healthy detachment or not, but it seems like a reasonable facsimile thereof! My deciding factor for mentioning it is whether it's annoying or harmful. I would also be interested in people's thoughts about this issue.

healthyagain

It is actually interesting. At that moment when he was "spitting" (gosh, they really know how to annoy us), I was about to explode. And now when I think about it, I just see it as another immature attempt to push my nuclear-reaction buttons. I decided not to mention anything because I do not want to let him know how I feel about it. There is also a huge chance he'll never do it again if I do not show any emotions.

petmagnet

I am guilty of addressing some things if they are particularly annoying to me the next day when he's sobered up. Like, "why in the hell were you cooking bacon and eggs at 2am- that's rude." Or, "Do not leave your dirty dishes for me, I am not your maid, that's rude too." Or, "What were you thinking when you put THAT on face book?" (aaahh, social media and the drunk...could be a whole new thread...) If I don't ever say those little things that I'd say to even a non- drunk, then it builds up. I will pop my top eventually and poop would hit the fan all at once with no control- hello ugly!! I let him know he was out of line doing whatever and tell him I didn't appreciate it at all. I say my peace, get it off my chest, but truly expect nothing to come of it. I am sure it will happen again even though he assures me it won't. It just makes ME feel better to say it get it off my chest then move on. In the interest of trying to remain detached I don't dwell on it. What's the point, but I kinda want to let him hear about his stupidity on occasion. My bad probably, but nobody's perfect. And being detached doesn't mean we are blind or a doormat.

rungsat69

Bummer Quit making Dinner

healthyagain

Speaking of Facebook, he deactivated himself again. I could not care more about his Facebook (or Facebook in general). Again, he is making an ass of himself. What worries me is that he is a bit too old for these "dramatic" reactions (And what was his problem this weekend? Rice was overcooked? Did not get enough of it?) Also, I do not know how much of it is alcoholism or possibly some kind of personality disorder. And another conclusion is that he absolutely does not know what to do with his life.

A great thing about detachment is that I do not get upset for days after these little episodes. Now I am awake, just sharing my experience with the world, and will go now and make some coffee. Then I start working. LOL, thank God it's Monday!

wellnowwhat

"Thank God it's Monday!"

LOL, that should be on the "normies" thread! Our own little screwed up perspective of things.

wysiwyg

Amen! Love the workweek now that school has started again. AH leaves for work right when I get up, I have quiet mornings at home before going to my job, and my classes are at night. By the time I get home, that's about 14 hours a day with no interaction with him at all. I only have to practice face-to-face detachment in small spurts. The weekends, that's another story! Thinking I might pick up a second job (to have an excuse to not be around him when he's home all weekend acting like a bonehead, and to squirrel some more money away for when I eventually move out). Don't even get me started on his FB antics!

GoingAlone2

It's all attention seeking behaviors. When my AH drinks he comes up with all kinds of stuff. Unless it's something major, I don't say anything. I've tried talking to him about stuff like that the next day when he's sober & he seems to get it, but apparently the sober mind & drunk mind aren't connected bc as soon as he starts drinking it's the same stuff again. Also trying to talk about drinking usually puts mine on the defensive anyway.

petmagnet

Weekends are tough-agreed. Although it's annnoying when he lies in bed till 11am on a couple/few weekdays cuz he's still to hung over to get to work. Those are the days the vacuum runs outside the bedroom door and thru the bedroom for a long, long time. Hey, I still have chores to do!! LOL! He however has the alcoholics dream job, he works on commission as his own boss, and as long as he produces, which he does, he won't get fired. So, bummer for me... sometimes Mondays can still suck, but I make them best out of em I can.

petmagnet

Alcoholism and personality disorders go hand in hand. My AH is Bipolar 2, although its a very mild form of it- it's blatantly obvious as his moods swing. (depressed to hyper in a matter of hours) fortunately he doesn't go severely manic. He doesn't take meds cuz he'd mix the alcohol with it anyway and it just made it worse.

Flicka57

I too ignored the sounds, sometimes when something way out of line was said to me I would ask him to repeat it & sometimes that stopped it but I noticed that after this is done to you over & over again it starts to build & boil within us & I would blow up on the next incident & it might have been something that normally would not bother me. I was always the one to cook dinner and on many occasions he would give his comments or be on the phone with his friend and make comments about the dinner I cooked. One time I guess I was at my tipping point and he stated saying something about the potatoes so I got up, picked up his plate set it down for the dog who promptly starting eating it and said "well Shadow likes it" and walked away without giving him the chance to say anything. & you know what his comments stopped--guess he figured my cooking wasn't that bad & he knew I would either not cook for him anymore or feed it to the dog so he watched his words after that. Maybe I should have taken more things away from him. In fact there was a time I took the remote to the TV....another day, another story.

Sueski

I took the plate away and threw the whole thing in the garbage once. That was actually pre-relapse, during the dry drunk era.

You know what drives me nuts, and I have to really work hard to ignore? How anything he wants is top priority regardless of what I want, and anything I want is "pressuring him" if he doesn't want it. This has always been the case, though. Not new behavior, just worse. Seriously, asking him if we should make a list of ingredients for tomorrow's dinner and pick them up while we are at the store getting tonight's dinner? Pressuring him! I'm so pushy...

healthyagain

See, I enjoy cooking but he is getting pickier and pickier every day. Ok, I know he does not like greasy stuff (that was excluded from our diet long time ago). Pork has to be sirloin, God forbid there is even one trace of fat on that meat. Chicken has to be chicken breast, preferably baked in the oven. Potatoes are always mashed. And now he suddenly does not like pasta (there was "apparently" something horribly wrong with those lasagnas made a week ago, he hardly touched them). Rice is not good if it is "mushy" (whatever that meant). Tater tots gotta be crunchy. Same with fries. And then it is all my fault there is not much "variety" in his diet. And I always tell him "make sure you buy something you want to eat, give me some ideas here." He does not eat fruit and is avoiding vegetables. (Of course, buying beer has never been a problem, same type every single day.)

As for the "talk" I want to have with him, I do not even know what to tell him anymore. I've made my plans for next weekend and am looking forward to another little walk this evening.

cantcureit

Don't bite. Live and let live. Cook dinner for only yourself if he's acting like a real a**. Never had a drunk, my A doesn't drink (go figure!) but during the good ol' years there were some real precious moments. Do you, good luck.

BoxinRotz

I know someone who would starve to death if he was so damn demanding and picky. If I couldn't do it right and he doesn't give ideas... someone is going hungry n it ain't my fat ass!

BoxinRotz

I'm dying over here LMAO!!!

Thank God AH loves my cooking. He never, ever tells me what a lousy dinner I've made him. He'll look at me drunk, food falling off his plate, all over him and the floor and say with a full mouth... This is really good while using his fork to point at it! And I'm like... really?!

healthyagain

Oh, it's all OK again. He is back on Facebook.

martina12

Haha! my AH is exactly the same with his antics on FB. He deactivates, stews for a while, then reactivates for a while then the cycle starts again. Time and time again. It was really boring to me and I didn't bat an eyelid about so he escalated things and deleted all but one of his friends.....I really couldn't care less!

NWGRITS

Uh, stop cooking for him. Make yourself food and tell him he can fend for himself, since he doesn't like anything you make. Walk away and don't engage.