PrincessJasmine

Hey guys. This question has been bothering me since I quit 14 days ago. If you've read any of my other posts, you know this is my first attempt at abstinence and I've never TRULY tried to moderate. Sure, there were the cries of "I'm never drinking again!" After a binge, but I never reeeeally meant it. I can and do moderate when I want to, but there are those times I dont want to and I will overdo it. All I know is I went overboard 2 Sundays ago and I thought "this has to stop" for the first time ever. (Well, ok,full disclosure-Id thought that before upon waking but it was all forgotten within an hour and the first cup of coffee.) Anyway, this was different and I found SR that same day. Lurked for a few days then joined.
Since then though I have this nagging feeling. I mean, I've never really attempted moderation before so how do I know I can't do it? I am committed to at minimum 40 days. Why'd I pick that number? Well, I originally thought 30 days but then read many people struggle at the 30, 60, and 90 day mark so I thought I'd go an extra 10 to be safe. If I see a huge improvement in my fitness goals, energy, joy, etc, I might just continue on this path. But, I know I'm still not at that forever, never ever again point.
So, that was the long way of saying it.

Short version: does one have to fail at moderation before succeeding at abstinence?

Thank you for your thoughts

Soberpotamus

Over a nine year period, I attempted to quit in earnest twice... I learned a lot the first time. I was sober for over a year. And when I started back it was due to some extreme stress... my grandmother's death from cancer, moving out of state and trying to survive in a very large city, alone... and another traumatic experience that I won't go into details about... but I think I knew that I was making a mistake by taking up drinking again. That year showed me what it was like to live life sober, but looking back on things... I can see what a precarious situation I was in. At the time, I can say that I honestly tried my best. I probably ran with the freedom of sobriety a little too quickly, and just didn't ground myself enough to withstand stressors... but I'm not sure I could have done any better.

I failed at moderation, but I don't see how I could have succeeded at sobriety at age 27, given what I was experiencing and my history.

However, I do not think that you have to fail at moderation. Not at all! We all go through life and experience different things, some truly do have it worse than others... not suggesting comparisons, those never help. But... I know of people who have gotten sober and stayed sober one time. It can be done.

My thoughts were that I was still young, that moderation might be a possibility... but underneath it all, I think I knew deep down I was playing with fire. My mom was an alcoholic, and so I saw myself along a similar path (though not quite spiraling out of control).

What seems to be the case is that a LARGE majority of problem drinkers (and anyone who comes to the alcoholic section of SR to post probably qualifies!) are never able to moderate. Studies indicate that only a very small minority can do it.

Be safe rather than sorry.

Anna

No, I don't think so, though many of us try moderation. When I tried moderation, I focused on drinking far too much and it took up a lot of space in my mind. Stopping drinking was a relief.

I know that to succeed at abstinence, you need to be very motivated to recover because it takes a lot of hard work.

The line we cross that makes us alcoholics is invisible so we don't know when we're nearing it and we don't know we've crossed until it's too late. If you can moderate your drinking, that's good.

ScottFromWI

To me the bolded part of your reply sounds like multiple failed attempts at moderation - you planned to only drink a certain amount, but drank more.

That aside, i don't think there is any "requirement" to fail at moderation before quitting - although probably just about all of us do - that's kind of one of the ways you arrive at the thought that you might be an alcoholic in the first place.

Lightning Bug

I don't think you need to fail at moderation before abstinence.

I haven't seen any posts from anyone who has succeeded in moderation. I have only seen posters come back and say moderation doesn't work.

Imabuleva

That sounds like an addictive voice, PrincessJasmine. "Give it 40 days and then I can moderate." What's the point? Didn't you quit in the first place because drinking is painful physically, emotionally, and mentally?

I'm on day 3 and I want to drink today because "I proved to myself I can go two days without it, so therefore I must not be that bad." Really, this is not the way normal drinkers think.

lorelei

I don't know when the moment came I could no longer moderate my drinking, but I did try to control it esp when people expressed concern about my drinking, but I couldn't.
If I hadn't failed at moderation so many times I may have fooled myself I could do it if I chose too. And carried on.

If there's no off switch, there can be no on one.

X

hypochondriac

If you could moderate you would have done it by now, naturally. There is also the saying that if you need to control your drinking then it must be out of control. I naturally was able to moderate my drinking in the company of others but never by choice, by myself. That and the decade of heavy drinking before that was enough to convince me. Have a good honest look at your drinking history and that should give you the answer x

ReadyAtLast

People who can moderate their drinking do it naturally without thought. when you need to think about moderating which is effectively controlling your drinking then your drinking is already out of control

foolsgold66

LOL. If you drink a lot and bother to find this site, you've failed at moderation. Folks that don't have issues with alcohol seldom need a structured plan that tells them how to drink.

Imabuleva

Hypochondriac, this is exactly how I was. I could have one beer when I was at gatherings with friends and family and had to drive home. But when I got home, I would gulp those first few shots and then drink until I was too numb and tired to think.

jaynie04

I don't know the day, the hour or the minute but at some point in my life my ability to drink like a normal person disappeared forever.

Tang

In addition to what Scott and others said (spot on), I would say this. If you are able to go 40 days AND not fixate on the end date or find yourself thinking about alcohol daily, then maybe its possible. Not many people on this board have succeeded at any sort of moderation, however, this isn't exactly empirical as the moderators may have left the board Personally I can't even go 40 days, but thats just me because I'm just seriously starting. However, in the past I never took it very seriously.

Uninvited

This is just my opinion. People who are truly capable of moderating don't end up at this site. They don't have to plan how to moderate. They don't have to work toward moderation. It just happens.

FeenixxRising

Make a list of all your serious problems and issues over the last two years. How many were caused directly or indirectly by your drinking? Also, do you crave a second drink once you have the first drink? Do you crave a third drink once you have the second drink? Crave a fourth, a fifth, sixth? If you crave more drinks once you start drinking, you will probably find it very hard if not impossible to consistently moderate.

Marcella99

Hi Princess, I think most of us have struggled with this thought. I know for me personally it hasn't worked. Every time I tried it, I ended up drinking more volume and feeling less of an effect, until the next morning with an increasingly more debilitating hangover
I'm new to this too, I joined on August 21 and made it ten days. I started feeling better, gained confidence and thought "I can have a glass of wine, it's Saturday night". Only that glass lead to 2 bottles and feeling so ashamed I drank for a few days after. I'm thankful that I called myself out, pulled myself back and came back to this site to start again. Everyone here gets it, doesn't judge you and encourages you back with a clean slate when you fall. If you get that urge I would recommend that you come back on here, talk about it and let the craving pass. I know I can't moderate- if I was honest with myself about that I wouldn't have lost 10 years of functioning in a hangover induced fog of depression. I wish you luck whatever you chose, but think of how powerful and strong you feel after 14 days- and then remember that hangover 15 days ago. Is that really the direction you want to head in?

Eleni58

The only time in my entire life that I moderated was on July 21, 2013 when I tapered down over a 4 day period with the goal of completely quitting. And I only did the tapering rhing because I was scared to death of sudden, complete abstinence causing shock to my body and DTs. Tapering down and moderating during those 4 days was pure hell and I never want to go through that again. It was way harder than staying stopped for the last 45 days.

silentrun

I have never tried to moderate. This is my first real attempt at sobriety. I know in my heart I do not want to moderate. I want to get drunk and I want to drink as often as I can. That lose of desire to control my drinking is why I stopped. It doesn't stop me from thinking Hmmm once in awhile but it is over. I know that and I accept that.

PrincessJasmine

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the answers. I guess in reading everyone else's stories I could really relate EXCEPT when it came to that. I've never really thought I was abnormal or that I needed to moderate or abstain. There were times I simply wanted and had a glass or 2 of wine. And other times I wanted to and did get drunk. This seemed to be true of everyone else I know too so until 2 weeks ago, I never gave it any real thought.
I do tend to overthink things. I'm very all or nothing. I get on a kick and go at it full force. Then, I'm just done with it. I do it with healthy things like diets, exercise, art, hobbies, etc.
And, I do it with unhealthy things too. When I was in college I decided I wanted to be the party girl and I was "the" party girl! Recreational drug use and all. When I graduated I decided well, I'm done with that and I was. I continued drinking and smoking cigarettes however. Until one day I decided, smoking is gross. I smell. My mouth tastes bad. It gives you lung cancer. And that was that. I quit. Maybe this will just be my next step at growing up.

StevenT

I remember my last days of treatment, when I was basically kicked out. I was told by my counselor that it is obvious consequences were not enough to convince me to live a different life then the one I had been living, and that when it finally hurt enough there was a way out.

That's what happened. It wasn't moderation, in fact that had nothing to do with it. I proved I could moderate. It wasn't so much the amount for me though. I was a slave regardless of whether or not I drank a gallon or a can. My disease was there on the first drink, or puff, for I was more a pot head then a drinker.

If you think you're different, go and find out. Many a person says that suicide, and it's the worst idea ever, but it's in the BB for a reason. If you are truly in doubt of whether or not sobriety is for you, go figure out whether it is or not, for if you're trying to be sober but don't really have a reason to be, you'll never find serenity and peace.

If it's just that you want to drink, but are convinced that it's a bad idea and will not bring true happiness, welcome to the club. I have yet to meet a person in sobriety, or recovery, that has not felt that way at one point or another, especially in the first couple months. You can make it through if you want to. Just takes action.