jkej

I am living abroad with my AH but we are having to move back home very soon. Im leaving some good friends behind and would like a few nights out before we leave, but im so overwelmed with guilt as im going out and having a life while he is trapped with his beer, how to i reduce this feeling?

Btw i am attending alanon, not sure what its doi.g for me yet tho!

NWGRITS

You aren't sitting at home pouring the beer down his throat, so don't feel guilty. It's a choice he's made independent of what you are or aren't doing. I understand how it can feel like a double standard if you're going out and may have a few drinks, while he's an active A sitting at home drinking his sorrows away. I know this is one of those things where we would generally say, "Yeah, going out and possible drinking probably isn't the best idea since you're living with an A." Are your nights out going to include drinks, or are you going to choose alcohol-free activities? Either way, you are not his mother or his HP, so go and have fun. And keep going to Al-Anon!

thislonelygirl

Dont.


Why should you feel bad for something he chooses to do?
He can stop anytime he wants.
Remember the 3 cs .
Youve got a way to go but listen...you cant make someone do something and you cant feel bad for choosing different for yourself.
It's his actions. His body and his mind.
You dont have any say with what he does or thinks no more than you do anyone else

jkej

I understand what your saying, but im now confused. I thought its not a choice for them? Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic?

honeypig

jkej, you are right--it's NOT a choice for anyone to be an alcoholic.

However, it IS a choice to not get help and get sober. TOTALLY a choice.

There are a number of programs and ways of finding sobriety if he chooses to use them. THAT is where he has choice.

jkej

So when my AH says he cannot stop drinking yet as we are not in our own country and the help that is available here is not what he needs (he says he needs a residential rehab) - then hes not committed to getting sober is he? Even tho we have seen a psychiatrist and we went to AA once! Sorry - i seem to have spread myself over a few topics!

honeypig

jkej, I'm not a medical professional and I wouldn't presume to say if your BF needs a medically-supervised detox to make sure he doesn't have seizures, etc. Depending on the level and length of use, he may or may not need that.

Residential rehab? Maybe, maybe not. From what I hear, it's a great way to remain totally focused for that first month or whatever. But yes, dependent on insurance or other payment method.

However, AA is available world wide for no cost. If he truly truly wanted sobriety, he would be willing to take ANY action to achieve it. And as I understand it, unless he IS willing to take ANY action to achieve sobriety, he will fail.

Has he taken ANY steps toward sobriety so far other than to tell you he can't do anything until he is in his home country and can go to residential rehab? Seen a doctor for an assessment regarding if he needs a medical detox? Anything? IMHO, this is an excuse to keep drinking, but again, I don't have a crystal ball. That is how it looks to me, tho.

The one place you can't go wrong is to keep going to Alanon and keep working on yourself. It sounds to me as if you might not have a lot of knowledge of alcoholism, so any educational reading you do will help you see your way clear. Check the stickies at the top of the page for recommended reading. Also ask about recommended reading at your Alanon group. Gradually you'll learn the tools to help you sort the BS from the truth and make a plan to get where you want to be.

jkej

Thanks Honeypig, thats helpful, its great to see it from somebody elses point of view as I cant see the wood through the tree at the mo. A few weeks back he did do 4 days off, with the help of tablets to knock him out, and he was fine, but as soon as he had bad news from his mum (she said he couldnt live with her when we go home) then he was straight down the pub