jstar

So my husband told me last night that we were going to a bbq today at one of his work friends house today. He said there would probably be alcohol at the bbq but we should go anyways. He said he was tired of feeling like our life is on hold and that I can't avoid situations where there is alcohol forever. I have 44 days sober today. I was nervous all last night and this morning anticipating having to be around alcohol today. Not that I thought I would grab a glass and drink it, but that it would screw with my head. Well it did screw with my head we were there 6 hours...way too long for my liking. Almost everyone was drinking except me, my husband and one other lady. And...several of the people were also smoking pot, right in the open in front of everyone. I guess I was the only one that was bothered by it. Anyways I guess I'm just feeling extremely discontented about the whole situation. I didn't drink but I sure wanted to the entire time. Sorry if this post is long, I'm just feeling super crazy and lonely right now. I feel like I couldn't have a good time sober and I couldn't get drunk either. So frustrated. I'm having that "why am I even doing all this recovery crap" conversation with myself. ..again, for the millionth time. Ugh...all I can do is cry

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you were put in this situation.My husband drinks normally but is also supportive of my need to quit. It doesn't sound as if yourhusband is totally supportive.I get that they don't understand,most normal drinkers don't but the least we expect is support. I would avoid situations youdon't feel comfortable with,even if it means standing up to your husband. My relationship has changed since Igot sober, sometimes it's been very difficult.You have to put yourself first though even if that annoys your husband.There is no reason he couldn't have gone to the BBQ alone. In timeit does get easier

least

I'm sorry you had a bad time of it. Look at the bright side tho - you didn't drink.

DarkDays

Only person there cool and sober , that is something to be proud of . Let all the sheep follow each other poisoning themselves ba ba ba.

Proud of you.

jstar

It's so silly cause I went to make him happy and in turn I was miserable the whole time. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I was actually surprised that he wanted to go in the first place, totally not like him at all. He is usually very supportive and if I had said I wanted to stay home he probably would have gone without me, but I was trying to please him ya know?

Yes the bright side I didn't drink but dang I'm in a crazy space in my mind now. All I can think about is alcohol. I hate this obsession, I really hate it.

I also hate that as I'm writing this, that I'm realizing...that I still haven't fully come to acceptance over my alcoholism. All this time and I'm still trying to not walk fully through the door of recovery. I think this is a reservation

ReadyAtLast

That's positive-at least your husband isn't forcing you to do things which I thought from your op. If it's any consolation I think most of us would be pretty miserable/bored/uninterested at an event where everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I know I would

Well done on not drinking

jstar

Yeah there was literally nothing else to do there. Everyone just sat in a circle of chairs the whole time listening to the radio and talking & drinking...it was very boring. Made me think too when I was drinking in the past, that type of party, just sit around and drink, would have been the perfect event for me then. Alcohol was all I wanted or needed everywhere I went.

LillianGish

I know you feel lousy, but you really are the bomb-diggity for staying there that long and resisting temptation.

Also, I live in San Diego and I know it was stinkin' hot today. You must have been very warm at a BBQ!

jstar

No sorry if that came across wrong, my husband never forces me to do anything. I've just been at this recovery thing for over 2 years now and have only just about a month and a half sober. I think it's been very tough for him.

And the other fun part...a guy from his office also is in recovery (my husband and I know him), he wasn't at the party, but they all were ragging on him saying things like "did you know so&so had to go to an alcoholic institution" and totally bashed him and all alcoholics for being "so stupid" for like 10 minutes or more. Of course they don't know my story but it made me aware of how ignorant people are about what alcoholism is. They made this guy out to be a total fool & I felt so uncomfortable listening to them tear apart this friend and all alcoholics in general.

Overall tough day that I regret even having gone.

pinkdog

Hi jstar, 44 days congratulations. That was a tough situation for early sobriety. The bottomline is that you did not drink. You should be very proud. Give yourself a break and don't go next time. Very best wishes.

jstar

Yes Lillian it was crazy hot today, the bbq was in north county. ..it was 100deg...hot!!!!

And thanks all for the encouragement, I'm glad I came on SR tonight, I love feeling lifted up by those who understand

Dee74

There will come a time when you can go anywhere and do anything and not be bothered jstar - just maybe not right now...?

don't lose hope...

Celticgirl

Good for you for not drinking!! I'm sure it sucked, though. I haven't really been out since I quite 19 days ago. Went to a bar/restaurant yesterday afternoon and sat on the patio. Lots of folks watching the game and drinking beer. I sat with my back to the bar and had a nice view of the parking lot. It wasn't too bad.

But six hours, in my opinion, is waaay too long to stay at a party while sober. Besides sleep, I can't think of anything in the world I'd want to do for six hours.

aasharon90

I learned in recovery about marriages,
relationships that make it and don't. The
ones that don't make it is because when
one is in recovery and the other isn't the
marriage/relationship becomes lopsided.

To make one work and become healthy
will have to take the entire family or other
person to get into some sort of recovery
themselves. That is why they have Al-anon,
Alateen for the family members.

Ive always admired couples who remained
married for many yrs. together and wanted
that for myself and husband in my first marriage.
Sadly, it wasn't meant to be because when
I entered recovery at about 8 yrs. married with
2 little ones back in Aug. 1990, I had a program
of recovery I learned to encorperate in my live,
marriage and everyday affairs. As I continue on
my recovery path, my husband and kids saw no
need for a recovery program as they went on
with their busy lives not skipping a beat. Our
marriage lacked communication, understanding
and most of all honesty.

The marriage did reach the 25 yr. mark but
eventually ended as we all went our separate
ways. I returned to my own hometown where
I eventually remarried, my husband remarried
and my healthy, happy, bright, loving kids grew
into wonderful little adults.

There was some attempt close to the end with
marriage counciling but it didn't solve or save
our lopside marriage. We both may have tried
to the best of our ability to understand each
other, but without both of working a recovery
program to understand addiction and it affects
on the family, marriage, then it was bound to
end in disappointment. And it did.

However, my program of recovery for the
past 23 yrs. has given me a strong foundation
to live upon and path to follow leading me to
where I am absolutely happy, joyous, free
and most important of all, honest in all my
affairs. This way of life is well worth living
for and im grateful and blessed for it.

Life in recovery means taking care of yourself,
your program of recovery because no one else
will like you do. Recovery is a gift you deserve.

Tranquilo

I don't remember the last time I had a lot of fun in the company of a lot of drunk people, it just doesn't work...

Maybe you can talk to your husband about the effects of prolonged exposure to those types of events, they are not healthy as you clearly found out today... They are EVEN LESS healthy to your mind / body and soul if you were also one of the drinkers.

Good on you, you got through it but I would be making it clear that not being in the company of other drunk people for 6+ hours is hardly 'putting your life on hold'...

erics

Could totally relate! I had a lot of conversations with my SO who was tired of missing out on our social life..... So I went along to make him happy... 1st mistake. Every time I am around a lot of alcohol or drunk people ( I didn't know how fing ANNOYING we were), I have a sort of hangover the next day. Feel tired, irritable, etc. I've figured out at 18 months that I'm tired because although I'm not drinking, I'm always aware of it, seeing it, smelling it, turning it down. It's emotionally exhausting!!!!!!! So now what I do is:

Say NO if I don't feel I'm in a good place

If I go, be sure to have an ESCAPE. Taking my own car and leaving ( usually after a few hours).

Having numbers to call while I'm there

Always have a cup of something in your hand.

Recognizing that non alcoholics don't get it. It's like explaining what it's like to have cancer, but you've never had it.

Good luck!

Fandy

maybe the mentality of those at the party and nasty gossip bothered you most of all?
i don't know the age bracket or type of people, but it sounds boring and the hosts should consider all of their guests needs....the party seems to be centered around booze and pot...juvenile?
gossiping about someone who got help for a problem is just rude.

hypochondriac

Y'know I am still not sure I have fully accepted mine either, but the thing is you don't have to to stay sober. I know that my acceptance has increased with more sober time though. I totally stand by the logic that sobriety is something you have to have in order to want it. Fake it til you make it and all that

You did well at the bbq under difficult circumstances Jstar so you should be congratulating yourself. Now you know how unpleasant things like that can be for you you can avoid them in future but then you also know that you can cope if you need to.

EndGameNYC

If they were satisfied with their own drinking habits and weren't on some level concerned about their own drinking, this would never have occurred. People who can drink safely don't trash people who struggle with alcohol in this way. The exception to this is people who carry a diagnosis of "Big Jerk."

PrincessJasmine

I think you did very well!!! You tried it, you stayed sober, and now you know to avoid that coworkers house forever. It's clearly not the type of party anyone who's not imbibing could appreciate or enjoy. Nothing wrong with that. I know plenty of non alcoholics who would NOT enjoy a party where drinking and smoking pot were the only things going on.
You did it, you made it through, and now you can make more informed decisions about those work parties in the future. Well done!