Need Some Advice Concerning Getting Rid of Alcoholic Brother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1
Need Some Advice Concerning Getting Rid of Alcoholic Brother
Long post ahead. My apologies.
My older brother is a 32 year old alcoholic who has lived at home his entire life. He's currently training to be a pharmacy tech, but holds no job. He has not worked consistently since he was 25, when he received a DUI. He has been drinking pretty much my whole life (I am 21).
He is verbally abusive and sometimes threatens physical abuse though he's never followed through against anyone. Unfortunately, this takes a HUGE toll on me, my mother, and my younger brother. Me and my younger brother are often told we are "worthless" and told to "shut the **** up" when we raise quarrel with his drinking. I am a Sophomore in college and I moved back in with my family last spring (more like they moved in with me to avoid homelessness).
I'm lucky to have an absolutely amazing group of friends who help me cope on a daily basis. I've gained a lot of self-worth and do not allow myself to be wounded by his abuse.
My problem comes from the fact that he is STILL living with us and I cannot fathom anyway to change this situation. I fight the enabling on a regular basis, but sometimes we just get so tired that it's not even worth the fight. He will steal my mom's credit card and buy his own alcohol (or more than he asked for) if we do not buy it for him. He threatens the house we live in (which all of our names are on the lease) and he threatens to throw fits. This would not bother me as I have always voted to call the police, but my mom is convinced they will do nothing. Eventually we get so scared by his violent actions and words that we just buy it to "keep the peace" (upsettingly counter-productive).
We cannot forcibly remove him from the household (he's a big guy) and my mother is terrified he will get arrested. She doesn't want to "ruin his life". My little brother is reaching his breaking point and recently tried to physically harm my older brother. We restrained him but not before everyone in the house was convinced he planned to do serious damage (he's an even bigger guy, but more muscle).
I'm curious if there are any legal avenues to take, will the police do anything at all if we were to call them, how can I convince my mother that its kinder to let him fall then to kill him slowly with enabling until his liver explodes, etc. Can we have him evicted? What about a restraining order? He often drives drunk in the mornings and I'd rather him go to jail then god forbid harm some innocent individual. My mother is convinced he will be stuck with us forever if he does get another DUI as his license will be revoked. I still say "how is this OUR problem?" He has no friends who will take him in, and I'd wish him on no one. The friends he does have often want to engage in drinking with him. I feel like telling them that he's an alcoholic who abuses his family and see if they still see him as a great drinking buddy, but I fear that they just won't care or are alcoholics themselves.
We cannot afford a treatment program. I'm barely scraping through school (which is why moving back out isn't really an option. Dual degrees makes it nigh impossible for me to work and keep my grades up) and we've got a big family to support and family members who often need help. He is completely immune to the guilt that most people would feel after stealing from his own family or abusing us or making us go without so that more money can be spent on his addiction. He's also disgustingly high maintenance and asks for many extravagances.
My thought are, given his personality, he'd stop drinking if told he was dying by a doctor. I'd love to have one take a look at his liver anyway. But he won't see a doctor. He won't see a therapist. He won't go to AA. He won't seek any help at all despite being an admitted alcoholic. He often says "I don't see why it's such a big deal." Not sure how causing 10+ years of mental scarring for the only family he's got left counts as not a big deal, but yeah.
I just need some advice (and partly to vent) because I'm tired of "keeping the peace" with a tyrant. I truly believe if we stopped enabling he'd either forcibly steal the money or start breaking every last thing we own (costing us thousands). Plus I'd rather not lose my little brother to an assault charge if he tried to stop him.
My older brother is a 32 year old alcoholic who has lived at home his entire life. He's currently training to be a pharmacy tech, but holds no job. He has not worked consistently since he was 25, when he received a DUI. He has been drinking pretty much my whole life (I am 21).
He is verbally abusive and sometimes threatens physical abuse though he's never followed through against anyone. Unfortunately, this takes a HUGE toll on me, my mother, and my younger brother. Me and my younger brother are often told we are "worthless" and told to "shut the **** up" when we raise quarrel with his drinking. I am a Sophomore in college and I moved back in with my family last spring (more like they moved in with me to avoid homelessness).
I'm lucky to have an absolutely amazing group of friends who help me cope on a daily basis. I've gained a lot of self-worth and do not allow myself to be wounded by his abuse.
My problem comes from the fact that he is STILL living with us and I cannot fathom anyway to change this situation. I fight the enabling on a regular basis, but sometimes we just get so tired that it's not even worth the fight. He will steal my mom's credit card and buy his own alcohol (or more than he asked for) if we do not buy it for him. He threatens the house we live in (which all of our names are on the lease) and he threatens to throw fits. This would not bother me as I have always voted to call the police, but my mom is convinced they will do nothing. Eventually we get so scared by his violent actions and words that we just buy it to "keep the peace" (upsettingly counter-productive).
We cannot forcibly remove him from the household (he's a big guy) and my mother is terrified he will get arrested. She doesn't want to "ruin his life". My little brother is reaching his breaking point and recently tried to physically harm my older brother. We restrained him but not before everyone in the house was convinced he planned to do serious damage (he's an even bigger guy, but more muscle).
I'm curious if there are any legal avenues to take, will the police do anything at all if we were to call them, how can I convince my mother that its kinder to let him fall then to kill him slowly with enabling until his liver explodes, etc. Can we have him evicted? What about a restraining order? He often drives drunk in the mornings and I'd rather him go to jail then god forbid harm some innocent individual. My mother is convinced he will be stuck with us forever if he does get another DUI as his license will be revoked. I still say "how is this OUR problem?" He has no friends who will take him in, and I'd wish him on no one. The friends he does have often want to engage in drinking with him. I feel like telling them that he's an alcoholic who abuses his family and see if they still see him as a great drinking buddy, but I fear that they just won't care or are alcoholics themselves.
We cannot afford a treatment program. I'm barely scraping through school (which is why moving back out isn't really an option. Dual degrees makes it nigh impossible for me to work and keep my grades up) and we've got a big family to support and family members who often need help. He is completely immune to the guilt that most people would feel after stealing from his own family or abusing us or making us go without so that more money can be spent on his addiction. He's also disgustingly high maintenance and asks for many extravagances.
My thought are, given his personality, he'd stop drinking if told he was dying by a doctor. I'd love to have one take a look at his liver anyway. But he won't see a doctor. He won't see a therapist. He won't go to AA. He won't seek any help at all despite being an admitted alcoholic. He often says "I don't see why it's such a big deal." Not sure how causing 10+ years of mental scarring for the only family he's got left counts as not a big deal, but yeah.
I just need some advice (and partly to vent) because I'm tired of "keeping the peace" with a tyrant. I truly believe if we stopped enabling he'd either forcibly steal the money or start breaking every last thing we own (costing us thousands). Plus I'd rather not lose my little brother to an assault charge if he tried to stop him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Can you and your little brother get a place, just the two of you, when the lease is up? Just a thought.
You owe big brother NOTHING. And I'm sorry but call the police when this stuff happens. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Your mom, god bless her, wants to protect him but there is no protecting him from himself. She will be angry and there will be a price to pay for that choice, but there is a price to pay for accepting this garbage, too. Is big brother on the lease?
Other will be along with more thoughts and suggestions. Best of luck to you. I'm so sorry your family has to deal with this.
You owe big brother NOTHING. And I'm sorry but call the police when this stuff happens. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Your mom, god bless her, wants to protect him but there is no protecting him from himself. She will be angry and there will be a price to pay for that choice, but there is a price to pay for accepting this garbage, too. Is big brother on the lease?
Other will be along with more thoughts and suggestions. Best of luck to you. I'm so sorry your family has to deal with this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
Posts: 32
Your mom saying... She doesn't want to "ruin his life". Well what about your lives? And further to that she isn't ruining his life HE is ruining his own life by his choices.
I say call the police the next time things gets rough.
Until he is ready to make some changes there is nothing you can do to change that however you can make changes for yourself and if it means police action and protection orders or as Sueski suggested taking your younger brother and finding your own place together do it... you need to take care of you now.
I say call the police the next time things gets rough.
Until he is ready to make some changes there is nothing you can do to change that however you can make changes for yourself and if it means police action and protection orders or as Sueski suggested taking your younger brother and finding your own place together do it... you need to take care of you now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Crystilia, can you please define "we". If it is ok with you, could you please say who has responsibility for supporting the household. You say that everyone is on the lease.
I sense that your cultural background is one that includes the collective support of extended family.....am I close on this...? The reason that I ask, is that this is an important dynamic at play here.
dandylion
I sense that your cultural background is one that includes the collective support of extended family.....am I close on this...? The reason that I ask, is that this is an important dynamic at play here.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Castilian, stop trying to tell the future. Your brother, if forced intro sobriety by an arrest or similar, will probably prove himself to be resourceful enough to either get the help he needs (if you are in the US there are plenty of live-in rehab programs that are free or very low cost...Volunteers of America and the Salvation Army both have free year long live in programs) or find some other way to continue his alcoholic life without your help. Your Mom must learn that she is seriously hurting your brother by enabling him to drink. This situation will drag on and on, until you and your family figure this fact out. Allowing him to get arrested, again and again if necessary, is the most responsible, helpful thing you can do for your brother. If he kills a child while driving drunk, how will you feel? Tough love, I know, but it's the truth.
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