Melina

For the first time ever, I'm not afraid to not have a drink. I'm on Day 4.

I'm not in a pink cloud. If I had to classify it, I would say I feel pretty calm. I'm lucky enough I didn't have any severe withdrawals this time from trying to stop. One time I had a seizure while still drunk, so I was worried about this time. But I've been tapering for a few months, trying to grab some sober days and taking it easy on myself. I'm lucky enough to not be working right now so I can rest and hydrate properly and not worry about having to drive or any other anxiety producing actions. I've been eating like crazy and sleeping as much as I want, even if I can't sleep til 3 am and I sleep late. I have some lorazepam if necessary.

I've had a little trouble sleeping. That was always a huge excuse for me to continue drinking. It was preposterous for me to think of going to bed without passing out drunk. I used to wonder how normal people went to bed sober. I've been reading a lot at night and Netflix has been a good distraction as well.

For some reason, this time I am just not interested in the old excuses I used to tell myself.

I'm starting to see my drinking behaviors outside of myself and they are not worthy of the way I want to continue my life. I also think of the internal physical damage I've done and I have no interest in continuing that path. I worry all the time about a condition I have, Crohn's disease, and how it's so unfair I have this, bla bla bla. When in reality I haven't even respected my body enough to tenderly care for it with one chronic condition...I just added alcohol for years, worsening everything. It's time to give myself a fighting chance.

I haven't had any cravings yet. I spend every morning and every night on SR educating myself and finding support through everyone's experience.

I can not drink in moderation and I have no idea why I tried so hard so long to justify being wasted constantly in a life I hated because I drank constantly.

I'm done romanticizing alcohol. I don't care how cold and delicious that glass of bubbly looks. Fast forward three hours later and I've found some excuse to be alone and I'm pounding Jameson out of the bottle, shaking at home and feeling entirely crushed and ruined the next day. My AV can't tell me 'cold, refreshing and delicious' anymore in regards to alcohol. I don't believe it for a second. It's never been about 'delicious' it's always been about annihilating the present moment.

I am not scared and I do not want to drink anymore. I'm around the midlife point and I want to be healthy and happy. It won't happen through getting drunk.

I've embarrassed myself and my family enough, I've lost enough jobs and I've mucked up my reputation enough. I've hurt my health enough.

I'm not scared of the first craving, either. Come at me, bro! I will urge surf. I will remember this last hangover. I will come here to SR. I will remember watching my Mom die from years of alcohol abuse. I will remember that DUI, the missed family time, the stench of alcohol everyone always noticed on me, the inappropriate and dangerous people I would gravitate towards. I would rather spend a sleepless night drenched in sweat then wake up to another crippling hangover and more damage to my body.

Beyond looking back and remembering all that, I will look FORWARD! I am excited about being free. I am excited about regaining my memory as best I can. I am excited about doing what I'm supposed to do, having the energy to clean the house and honor my commitments, pay my bills and show up for life daily. I'll always have problems like we all do in life. I'm not going to make it any harder on myself by boozing. I'm convinced I simply can not survive even a few more short years of drinking the way I did.

You and me, alcohol? We're breaking up. You're such a piece of sh$& and I'm not afraid to walk away from you. I hate you and you have never been my friend. Now eat my dust...

Thanks for reading, I know it was long but I wanted to get this all out...
Melina

mecanix

Yeh ,
Way to go ,
you tell that alcohol what for Melina .

Bestwishes, m

FeenixxRising

Good for you Melina. Fooling myself and attempting to drink in moderation has been my obsession for a few years now. As hard as I tried, I failed 99% of the time. And the only reason I usually didn't fail was because the bars and stores closed and I couldn't get more alcohol.

Finally admitting deep down to my core that I could not moderate and that I will never be able to moderate has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Like you, I found myself unafraid of sobriety. And that was something I lacked in my previous attempts.

I remind myself every morning and every evening that I will never be able to drink with control. It's helped bring me a little peace and enables me to go throughout my day without obsessing about alcohol.

firstymer

Great post, Melina! And you know what? Now that you brought it up? Alcohol can kiss my a$$, too.

Serenity1972

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It was very inspiring. Kudos to you for kicking the poison to the curb that is fantastic.

freshstart57

Bravo, Melina. Congratulations on deciding to do this thing sober, and to demand some peace and beauty in your life.

My journey started out much the same as this, and I have never looked back, only forward, just as you said for yourself.

May I suggest you take a look at this? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

You might find it helpful, Melina. Best to you!

Jeni26

Loved that lost melina, good for you!x

Lightning Bug

Alcohol is the boil on the butt of humanity.

Welcome Melina. Glad to meet you!