emmiemary

Hi,
My boyfriend is going to rehab for alcohol. He said he can't have a girlfriend while he's there because he needs to focus on himself. However, he also says he still loves me and doesn't want "us" to change.
I don't know what to do. I obviously still love him and am so proud of him for making this decision. However, I am so sad for the selfish reasons of not knowing what is going to happen to us. I want to be there for him and support him. Why did he do this?

BoxinRotz

He wants to get better and he can't do that trying to satisfy someone else. He needs to put every ounce of energy he can muster into himself. That is not selfish!!! He deserves to get better.

You need to give him this oppertunity to do that. If you love him, set him free! If he truly loves you, he will be back. Until then, work on you! Go to AlAnon. Get well with yourself. Be all you can be. The rest will fall into place.

Hammer

How long is the actual rehab portion of rehab?

Some come back and work their program, some come back a mess.

But you control, own, and direct NONE of that.

Meanwhile, while the Yellow Flag is out on the Romance Racetrack, let's pull your car off and get you fixed and ready to go in the Pits. That way you will ready and able to get things better when he gets out.

We call that place Fix Us, First place: Alanon.

Do you know Who, What, Where, and When?

Welcome Home, btw.

emmiemary

I meant I was being selfish for being sad, not that he was selfish for doing what he needs to do

emmiemary

I guess I'm asking was this a normal response from him and what I should expect while he's in rehab?

catlovermi

It's not really selfish to be sad that something valuable to you is being distanced from you, at least for a while. And it's the right thing, too, as recovery does take all attention until new ways are established in a recovery lifestyle.

It can really help for the partner (you) to get involved on the other side of recovery, the partner's side, which is usually Al-Anon support groups.

It's OK that you feel sad, and perhaps disappointed, to "lose" your BF to recovery. This is normal, really, after a partner putting up with drinking stuff and supporting through the bad times of active addiction.

If you both work good recovery programs and learn the skills for real life living on BOTH sides of recovery (his, and yours) then THERE IS HOPE!

It's a long path, and a lot of work, but there is the possibility of wonderful things at the end, if everyone is deeply committed to their side of recovery.

Sending support, you are not unreasonable, crazy, or weak. It just is a sad fact of addiction that addiction takes, even when recovery is entered.

CLMI

catlovermi

Yes, absolutely. It is a very good sign, actually. Someone who REALLY WANTS to change their life, and is WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to get and stay sober, is willing to listen to the experts, and follow instructions. Most recovery experts suggest TOTAL FOCUS and TOTAL IMMERSION into recovery until new ways are established and stabilized.

His stepping back from you is not a function of you, it is a function of him wanting to succeed at changing.

I know it feels like he is rejecting you, but rather he is embracing recovery. Recovery will have a place for you, but it isn't at the beginning. First, sobriety is established, and new coping mechanisms are learned, practiced, and stabilized, before complicating factors such as relationships are added into the mix.

It's a good sign, although it's painful for you.

CLMI

Coldfusion

My wife was in rehab for a month, and I visited her one weekend and participated in some activities at the rehab program. It is possible that your boyfriend will be able to, and will choose to, have you involved in his recovery.

HopefulinFLA

This sounds to me like it's not at all good bye. He just needs his space while focusing on recovery and that's to be expected.

Be patient and let him do what he needs to. It sounds like he'd like you to wait for him till he's done. If you can do that, then this is a very positive thing.

dandylion

emmie, it is not easy---loving an alcoholic. Even in recovery--the reality of alcoholism has to be accepted. It is a beastly, ugly disease that requires such total focus in the beginning of recovery. It is hard on the ones that love them--no doubt about that.

Please take this opportunity to learn all you can. Start with the classic articles (the stickies) at the top of this page as well as some of the suggested literature. Knowledge is power.

What he has told you sounds pretty standard.

dandylion

emmiemary

So I spoke to him again and now he has decided to not go to rehab but try on his own....he still says he can't deal with the pressures of a relationship. So this has left me even more confused....

dandylion

emmiemary, perhaps it is time for YOU to back off the relationship for 6mo. to a year. Work on yourself in alanon, counseling, etc... Get yourself sorted out AND THEN see if you are still interested in the relationship. Even if you do that---you have no idea if he will be sober or is still interested!! If he is not sober--you can't have a healthy relationship, anyway.

It looks to me like any way you cut it---alcoholism is holding the cards. Alcoholism is currently controlling him--so, he isn't even in charge of himself, right now.

You do not have the power to control his disease or to control him. Detaching from him and his issues is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. He is not stable enough or sober enough for a healthy relationship. He is not good relationship material right now.

I know that this is tough to listen to---but, you have to deal with the reality of the situation in order to make the right decisions for yourself. How your life and future goes hinges on the quality of the decisions that YOU make. That fact applies to all of us humans.

Please take this time to learn all you can about this awful disease. Knowledge is power.

dandylion

allforcnm

So in your first post you asked why did he do this - with the relationship - only he can answer for sure, but I would ask: Is he involved in AA? Because it is often "suggested" members focus on their recovery and not relationships for the first year. Their partners are supposed to attend al-anon and begin their own recovery while this is happening.

If he is outside of AA then that concept doesn't necessarily apply; of course anyone who is recovering from an illness, addiction, etc. .. needs time to focus on themselves to some extent. So he may really just feel he is too stressed out emotionally, and needs space to get himself together. Most definitely he needs to be well, in order to offer you the relationship you deserve long term.

I don't think your being selfish, just honest. It hurts when we are distanced from the ones we love, no matter if it is for schooling, work, family, medical reasons, emotional reasons. its just a real emotion, so don't feel guilty.

pravchaw

Here the truth: He is right. He cannot handle this relationship at this time.
You are not #1 in his life - its the drug/bottle. We can support them from a distance that they give up their #1 but it requires 100% focus. The best you can do is back off and focus on yourself.

Croissant

Agreed. Don't take it personally, in fact, he's actually doing you a favour.

Honestly, from what I remember of going through my partners rehab responses, it would have been best if we'd broken up right at the beginning. Work on yourself, your life and who you are....you may find after you go through that process, you have outgrown your boyfriend anyway.

Hugs and good luck. Turn that care and love back on yourself.xx

LoveMeNow

Were does it say that in AA? The Big Book? Do you have a link to provide regarding this? From my understanding, AA "suggests" no major changes in the first 12 months. Perhaps I have misunderstood the 12 step programs. I am assuming you have read up on it or attended them to feel comfortable sharing such information.

Ann

Counselors at rehabs and many in recovery whether using a program or not recommend no "new" relationships while finding one's balance and focusing on getting well, it is good advice and may save a life or two. They also work with recovering members to rebuild the relationship they are in.

This is NOT an AA concept, and being outside AA does not mean it isn't good advice. AA does not tell members suggest/tell/instruct/give any advice or suggestion to their partners, and rightly so. Attending Al-anon is a healthy choice for anyone whose life has been affected by alcohol or addiction, it literally saved my life...and my son, his AA sponsor, AA as a whole had nothing to do with my choice to go. Al-anon is about US, not them.

Emmiemary, I hope your will understand how sick your boyfried is and that he needs to take care of himself first and then your relationship when he is sober and on a better path. Personally, I think Al-anon would be a wonderful way for you to find help for yourself, it has helped so many here find their balance and a better way to live...regardless of how recovery unfolds for their partner.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

Hugs