firstymer

At Day 12, facing a second weekend in a row without alcohol (and my longest period of sobriety in 20+ years), I am again debating with myself why I have to keep this up. Like most of us in early recovery, I seem to be almost constantly engaged in this silent dialogue with myself.

In addition to the inspiration gained from all of you here at SR, I had the following epiphany today: Imagine that we are told that we have an incurable disease - say, cancer - and that we would inevitably die from this disease. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. Maybe in 5 years. But the disease will almost certainly result in a painful death. The weight of this burden would be crushing.

Now imagine receiving a phone call that a cure for this terminal disease had been found. That the cure is immediate, costs nothing and is guaranteed to work. Who among us wouldn't drop to our knees in gratitude at learning of the cure? Who among us wouldn't take that cure?

For me, alcoholism is a disease that is going to kill me just as surely as any cancer diagnosis. And in many ways, this slow death is equally painful.

I consider my recent sobriety, and my discovery of SR, to be the equivalent of receiving news that my incurable, terminal disease can be reversed. Starting today. And that not only will I not die a slow, painful death - my remaining years will be happier than any other time of my life.

I am thankful for having finally heard this life-saving news. I hope I am strong enough to continue on this path of health and happiness.

jaynie04

What an uplifting post! Thank you for starting my weekend off on such a positive note.

I did 30 days of inpatient rehab across the country. The night before I was leaving I had this sense of drama like I was in a movie packing my bag to leave rehab. The bad made for tv movie of the middle aged mom going back home to all the triggers.

I had this sense of "will this story" have a happy ending or a sad ending???????????

It occurred to me...the ending is in my hands. This could be a lovely movie about recovery or a dismal story about someone who couldn't claw her way out. It's not dramatic, there are no sweeping broad strokes just a lot of tiny stutter steps....but they are adding up.

Yes......we have everything we need within us!!!

Thank you for that beautiful post!

HeadLump

Firstymer and Jaynie, two excellent posts. Thank you

Jaynie: I love your 'tiny stutter steps' - very expressive!

freshstart57

Very strong and empowering posts, firstymer and jaynie. Very good. Well done!

karthur

Awesome posts! I love the terminal illness analogy, very powerful. I plan to carry it around in my pocket all weekend and instead of feeling sorry for myself I will try and rejoice in the "cure"! And yes, eventually you have to be the author of your life. I'm working on it....

Take care.

trikyriky

First , congrats on the 12 days

In less than a week , I've known a man , early 50's died as a result of his drinking and the denial. After being given the news he wouldn't / couldn't stop. Sad

Second , a neighbor , non drinker. He told me last night in casual conversation that he had colon cancer. He wants to live . He's very religious. I said to him " you have god " he said " what if it's God's will , that I die ". ???

Me , I'm an addict. I also could die

Why do I still have a problem with that ?

lessgravity

Yes love this concept, I remember reading about it (Rational Recovery?). It's inspiring...except -

Wanting to drink is not cancer.

There's no one out there who can't stop thinking about how good cancer feels, how they miss it, how, even though it takes everything away from them, they want just one more night with cancer.

No one is a "normal" cancer patient, like there are normal drinkers, who like the booze b/c they can have a couple and go home w/o a bottle or three. There are no cancer happy hours where people enjoy a couple terminal diseases, get flirtatious, say stupid things and go home to eat too much.

There are posts on this site today from people who can barely get through the MINUTES of their day sober, without a drink. There is no one in the world suffering, anguishing because they don't get another round of chemo.

It's a nice analogy, and one that can be effective. But I feel, and sorry if I sound a bit aggro, it's just not true.

13unluckyforsom

Have to agree with less gravity - it's more of a perspective on life than something that should or could ever be compared side by side.

I'm struggling with the seconds tonight and as much as I see your point I don't crave cancer.

13unluckyforsom

But if I was in a better frame of mind I'd probably be inspired or thankful for what I have etc

phoebe64

Addiction is what makes us drink even though we know it can kill us. Think of smokers who have lung cancer and still smoke. It happens. some have been known to smoke through a trach.

But it is a good comparison to consider. One that can help us through a rough time with the AV. There are many drugs I would never even try, because I feel they are so dangerous. So why do I drink, when I know it endangers my health. I do have a health condition directly worsened by drinking. Crazy we even consider another drink. But many of us do.

jaynie04

Wanting to drink is not cancer.



No, but wanting to drink even though it is killing you can be a deadly disease too if left untreated.

LillianGish

You know, at the risk of being Debby Downer - I must remind myself that indeed....we are all going to die. It's just a matter of when, not if. We all have a destiny to be pushing up daisies someday. There will be a diagnosis or an accident some day.

Every day is a gift. And a really special gift.

And yet I wonder why I'm so ready to numb and go to na-na land to not feel anything, to not think about anything....to simply not be in this life I created for myself. I have air, I am healthy (well, sort of), I have beautiful children, food on the table....absolutely everything I NEED.

But I treat it like it's something to run away from by drinking alcohol to excess.

I wonder why that is? And every reason I come up with sounds like a cop out or an excuse. I was abused as a child (I was), I have had a hard life, I don't like myself very much, blah blah blah.

Who am I to judge the decisions of God Almighty/The Universe? To take His gifts and not use them for something....for anything?

Feeling very small today. I've wasted many years of my gifts.

Time to have a nice cry. Day 4 of sobriety has been hard.

ScottFromWI

I think no matter what analogy we use, if it helps us stay sober it is worthwhile. Just like some use AA and some don't, the main goal is to be sober.

Nuway2fly

I hope you're feeling better, LillianGish. You're absolutely right about all of us being "terminal". Nobody gets out of this alive. And the corollary: anybody can die at any time.
Like you, I wonder why I felt it was OK to blitz through a lot of my life. Probably basic loneliness on my part. But I also crave solitude, always have, so go figure.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. What we've done, we thought was for some good reason, even if it was just to feel good for a little while. We got sucked into the trap, though, and paid a high price for some of that feeling good.

Now it's time to rejoice that we've got the help we always wanted and needed to get out of the trap. Day 4 can be a rough one--it was for me. More than once. I hope you get a good night's rest and that Day 5 will be better.

MythOfSisyphus

Great post! Drinking is like being in prison with the key hanging up on the wall inside your cell. It seems so simple to just reach out and take the key...

But the key is there! It's just waiting for us to take it.