Help to understand
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 3
Help to understand
My wife and I have been together for 4 years. She has been a fairly heavy drinker since I've known her, but over the past year it has gotten much worse. At some point a year ago she switched from beer and wine to vodka tonics and 7 and 7. She comes home at 6 and immediately puts on her PJ's to start watching her DVR shows. She drinks everyday after work at least 3 drinks and sometimes 4-6. We have some maritial problems to work on and she is extremely stressed at work. I'm not sure that's an excuse.
We do not have very good communication and I think she's using the alcohol to mask or numb whatever pain she is having. She often say's I'm going to bed in a few minutes and goes to make another drink, I tried asking her what's the point of that, but she gets angry. More recently she was filling a water bottle with some type of alcohol and was drinking it in bed watching tv as she was totally wasted. She would get up and go to the bathroom bouncing off walls. In recent weeks I have been unable to understand her speech each night, and her eyes are rolling back in her head.
3 weeks ago she moved out and said she needs time to think about things and if she can make our marriage work. She is living at her parents and the drinking has gotten much worse and now she is mixing with her mom's pills. I have decided to support her and hope she makes the right decision, but I know the alcohol use is something that has to be dealt with sooner or later. She calls and sends drunk messages getting angry and being mean for no reason.
I'm not sure if it will help, but I've decide to attend an AN Anon meeting tonight in the local area. No idea what to expect, but i need help if there is any chance of us getting back on track and having a future together.
Please give me any tips to help me and how in the heck I can address the issue with her. I know she will become angry as she has already told me "one of my major problems is you talking about my drinking". She named it as one of the big reasons she left me.
We do not have very good communication and I think she's using the alcohol to mask or numb whatever pain she is having. She often say's I'm going to bed in a few minutes and goes to make another drink, I tried asking her what's the point of that, but she gets angry. More recently she was filling a water bottle with some type of alcohol and was drinking it in bed watching tv as she was totally wasted. She would get up and go to the bathroom bouncing off walls. In recent weeks I have been unable to understand her speech each night, and her eyes are rolling back in her head.
3 weeks ago she moved out and said she needs time to think about things and if she can make our marriage work. She is living at her parents and the drinking has gotten much worse and now she is mixing with her mom's pills. I have decided to support her and hope she makes the right decision, but I know the alcohol use is something that has to be dealt with sooner or later. She calls and sends drunk messages getting angry and being mean for no reason.
I'm not sure if it will help, but I've decide to attend an AN Anon meeting tonight in the local area. No idea what to expect, but i need help if there is any chance of us getting back on track and having a future together.
Please give me any tips to help me and how in the heck I can address the issue with her. I know she will become angry as she has already told me "one of my major problems is you talking about my drinking". She named it as one of the big reasons she left me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Yebin, there will be a lot of posters coming along who have gone through what you are going through.
For now, let me share my perspective as a newly sober alcoholic. Your wife sounds eerily similar to me. The progression from wine to vodka sadly seems to be a common path. What you are seeing is the progression of the disease. I am 48, SAHM now after having had 2 significant careers.
Your post struck me. I would plan my day around drinking. And the vodka in the diet gatorade or flavored water bottle was always on hand. I am sure that people who help me out here at home knew exactly what was up. I also have sleep issues and a chronic pain disease so I was combining prescribed medications with the alcohol as well.
6 oclock became 5 became 4 became whenever. I was preoccupied 24/7 with more, more, more. I would do the minimum each day but I was killing myself. There were a lot of nights where I would do exactly what your wife does, sitting in bed drinking, bouncing off the walls to go to the bathroom. She probably has not shared with you that she doesn't remember nights or how she got black and blue marks or forgot conversations.
The anger she is venting at you has nothing to do with you. Please don't waste your time arguing with a sick person. She has to want to get better, no one stays sober for someone else. It pains me to see the damage we do when we are drinking. And I feel sad that she is sick, but please don't let this disease take 2 of you out.
Al-Anon is a tremendous idea. You can't cure her, but you can help yourself by learning to detach with love. There is an excellent book called CoDependent No More, I can't recommend it enough. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, we learn to contour when alcoholics are raging, which sounds like the mode your wife is in. It is a precarious position to be in because we are attaching our mast to a sinking ship.
This forum is invaluable, you are among people who have been in your shoes, and many who are still there. I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Welcome.
For now, let me share my perspective as a newly sober alcoholic. Your wife sounds eerily similar to me. The progression from wine to vodka sadly seems to be a common path. What you are seeing is the progression of the disease. I am 48, SAHM now after having had 2 significant careers.
Your post struck me. I would plan my day around drinking. And the vodka in the diet gatorade or flavored water bottle was always on hand. I am sure that people who help me out here at home knew exactly what was up. I also have sleep issues and a chronic pain disease so I was combining prescribed medications with the alcohol as well.
6 oclock became 5 became 4 became whenever. I was preoccupied 24/7 with more, more, more. I would do the minimum each day but I was killing myself. There were a lot of nights where I would do exactly what your wife does, sitting in bed drinking, bouncing off the walls to go to the bathroom. She probably has not shared with you that she doesn't remember nights or how she got black and blue marks or forgot conversations.
The anger she is venting at you has nothing to do with you. Please don't waste your time arguing with a sick person. She has to want to get better, no one stays sober for someone else. It pains me to see the damage we do when we are drinking. And I feel sad that she is sick, but please don't let this disease take 2 of you out.
Al-Anon is a tremendous idea. You can't cure her, but you can help yourself by learning to detach with love. There is an excellent book called CoDependent No More, I can't recommend it enough. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, we learn to contour when alcoholics are raging, which sounds like the mode your wife is in. It is a precarious position to be in because we are attaching our mast to a sinking ship.
This forum is invaluable, you are among people who have been in your shoes, and many who are still there. I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
definelty go to al anon
i was her. my anger burst anytime someone talked about my drinking. Its all your fault.
Two years sober now i can see it was all my fault.
the best you can do is wait it out. She has to hit bottom.
Only then will she make a change.
This will be your biggest challenge.
She does love you she is just trapped right now in the eye of the storm, but no one or nothing can pull her out until she is ready.
PAIN IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR
i was her. my anger burst anytime someone talked about my drinking. Its all your fault.
Two years sober now i can see it was all my fault.
the best you can do is wait it out. She has to hit bottom.
Only then will she make a change.
This will be your biggest challenge.
She does love you she is just trapped right now in the eye of the storm, but no one or nothing can pull her out until she is ready.
PAIN IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Yebin75
I was married 15+ years and 5 years before divorce I saw the exact same behavior as you described in my ex. Turns out he was adding medications in with the alcohol much earlier than I saw & probably so in your case. Her moving out is actually a blessing right now for although it may not seem so because you won't be subjected to more behavior. So, since you can do nothing right now--you need to work on yourself. Confide in some friends, get a support network of people who will listen when you need to talk, seek out support groups (perhaps Al Anon) or whatever is available in your area. And Whiskeyman is right--she does love you but right now she's not thinking straight. You will survive this, but this is her battle for which you cannot cure, you must wait it out.
I was married 15+ years and 5 years before divorce I saw the exact same behavior as you described in my ex. Turns out he was adding medications in with the alcohol much earlier than I saw & probably so in your case. Her moving out is actually a blessing right now for although it may not seem so because you won't be subjected to more behavior. So, since you can do nothing right now--you need to work on yourself. Confide in some friends, get a support network of people who will listen when you need to talk, seek out support groups (perhaps Al Anon) or whatever is available in your area. And Whiskeyman is right--she does love you but right now she's not thinking straight. You will survive this, but this is her battle for which you cannot cure, you must wait it out.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 3
Thanks for all your support. I have a friend who's spouse had the same issues and they did the work to get through it. I gave her the phone number to call her and talk about that experience. That couple is one of our most respected friends, maybe that will help it hit home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
I'm sorry you have to endure this. Lots of good advice here from others.
Jaynie you sound just like the alkie friend I had and stopped contact with. He did all the things you did only so far he hasnt hit bottom.
Jaynie you sound just like the alkie friend I had and stopped contact with. He did all the things you did only so far he hasnt hit bottom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi naussau....yeah, it's strange because I have been on both sides of the fence, being the child of an alcoholic and then an alcoholic myself. I think that healthy people setting boundaries with us helps us realize our problem sooner. It is up to us to want to get well, but if we are buffered from the consequences of our actions it tends to perpetuate the cycle.
And unfortunately, alcoholism only gets worse as long as we keep drinking. Yebin, strangely taking care of yourself usually does more good for the alky than enabling.
And unfortunately, alcoholism only gets worse as long as we keep drinking. Yebin, strangely taking care of yourself usually does more good for the alky than enabling.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
Hi Yebin75,
I understand what your going thru. Most of us do on here. I will be honest in saying that I think her moving to her parents or even to another location is best. I currently live with my AH. I have been living with it for longer than I even care to think about and it's not easy because the effects of the alcohol abuse is constantly in your face whether you choose to react to it or not. I know you still love her, and I'm sure she loves you, but I would take this time to work on you. Go to some alanon meetings and learn as much as you can about the disease and how to handle it for your own sanity. I have asked my husband to leave (give us space) many times, but he won't. I would have to make it legal to get him out and I am not sure if that's what is best for me at this age/point in my life. (Still working on that). At least you have some space and some peace now to think clearly with out her alcoholic interference, I'd definitely take advantage of it. You can still be there for her, with out enabling if you want to be.
Also a note on the pills and alcohol combination. I've lived that too. For a while my AH was mixing some heavy duty anti-depressants with the booze. Not pretty. It totally screwed with his mind. It just amplified the effects of the alcohol, it was like a kicker. He got verbally mean, belligerent, and did things completely out of character for him. (Hence the mean nasty calls and texts you're getting from her now) It got to the point that he actually scared himself enough that he quit taking them on his own, but he still continues to drink. I can tell you right now if that's the road she is on, be glad she's not living there with you. If it had continued here, I would have filed for a divorce. It's just not good. I pray she will get help, I hope being on her own will help her get there(to recovery) faster even though it may be more painful in some ways for you both. My thoughts are with you.
I understand what your going thru. Most of us do on here. I will be honest in saying that I think her moving to her parents or even to another location is best. I currently live with my AH. I have been living with it for longer than I even care to think about and it's not easy because the effects of the alcohol abuse is constantly in your face whether you choose to react to it or not. I know you still love her, and I'm sure she loves you, but I would take this time to work on you. Go to some alanon meetings and learn as much as you can about the disease and how to handle it for your own sanity. I have asked my husband to leave (give us space) many times, but he won't. I would have to make it legal to get him out and I am not sure if that's what is best for me at this age/point in my life. (Still working on that). At least you have some space and some peace now to think clearly with out her alcoholic interference, I'd definitely take advantage of it. You can still be there for her, with out enabling if you want to be.
Also a note on the pills and alcohol combination. I've lived that too. For a while my AH was mixing some heavy duty anti-depressants with the booze. Not pretty. It totally screwed with his mind. It just amplified the effects of the alcohol, it was like a kicker. He got verbally mean, belligerent, and did things completely out of character for him. (Hence the mean nasty calls and texts you're getting from her now) It got to the point that he actually scared himself enough that he quit taking them on his own, but he still continues to drink. I can tell you right now if that's the road she is on, be glad she's not living there with you. If it had continued here, I would have filed for a divorce. It's just not good. I pray she will get help, I hope being on her own will help her get there(to recovery) faster even though it may be more painful in some ways for you both. My thoughts are with you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 3
I guess I never thought it was that big of a deal. I did my share of drinking in my younger days even up to 5 or so years ago. I finally got sick of the hangovers and wasted weekends being sick. I do like to try different micro brews from time to time. She has never driven drunk, never had an accident, gotten violent, or had issues at work due to drinking. Maybe I thought that people who had those problems were real alcoholics. I realize now that she has a different kind of problem....not sure if that makes sense....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Forget about your notions of what a "real alcoholic" looks like. I had a very responsible job, car, house, no duis, no personal disasters, but inside I was falling apart and I knew it.
She may not be ready to acknowledge what the real problem is, and until then, there isn't much you can do to get her to see it. Al-Anon is an excellent idea, but bear in mind it isn't intended as a way for you to save your relationship, or to "cure" the alcoholic or get her into treatment. It is intended to save YOU from the consequences of her drinking.
I suggest you read all the stickies up top, and also to read a couple of books about alcoholism. My two favorites are "Under the Influence" and "Alcoholics Anonymous" (also known as the AA "Big Book." Both will teach you a lot about what alcoholism really is.
And incidentally, alcoholism is a progressive disease. You can expect it to get worse--maybe MUCH worse--before she decides to seek help. And some people never get there, sadly.
She may not be ready to acknowledge what the real problem is, and until then, there isn't much you can do to get her to see it. Al-Anon is an excellent idea, but bear in mind it isn't intended as a way for you to save your relationship, or to "cure" the alcoholic or get her into treatment. It is intended to save YOU from the consequences of her drinking.
I suggest you read all the stickies up top, and also to read a couple of books about alcoholism. My two favorites are "Under the Influence" and "Alcoholics Anonymous" (also known as the AA "Big Book." Both will teach you a lot about what alcoholism really is.
And incidentally, alcoholism is a progressive disease. You can expect it to get worse--maybe MUCH worse--before she decides to seek help. And some people never get there, sadly.
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