Reposting from newcomers as someone kindly suggested I try here.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Reposting from newcomers as someone kindly suggested I try here.
I hope its okay that I copy and paste my first post on the newcomers forum to here. If its not I hope a moderator will kindly remove one or other of the posts.
Anyway,here goes:-
My partner of three years has been addicted to "something" since high school 30 years ago. I don't think there is anything he hasn't tried at some point. Alcohol has always featured and three times since we got together we have had big dramatic "pour it down the sink scenes" only for it to be back as bad as ever a week later.
This time it "feels" different. Always before he has stopped drinking but needed "something" to sleep or wake up or whatever. This time there is to be nothing. This time it was all his own idea. This time he has told the people who got him "this and that" that he is done. This time it was not triggered by a vomiting, black out, massive hangover event. This time there was no fighting or ultimatums. He just looked at me and said "I want to see 50 I am done with this"
For the most part he has slept. He has gone to work on all three days but he hasn't missed a day's work in over a year. I think making it to work is some sort of baseline for him. So he has slept and gone to work and not a lot else. Yesterday he was very quiet. Today he has been quiet but grumpy. He doesn't seem at all pleased with his decision but is sticking to his guns.
I am pleased and happy but at the same time confused by how much time I'm spending thinking about co dependency and detaching. Why would I suddenly feel the need to detach at the very time he is making an attempt to get clean and sober. It's almost like I'm preparing myself for an inevitable failure.
I'm very glad to have found the site and am learning lots from other people's posts. Thank you.
Anyway,here goes:-
My partner of three years has been addicted to "something" since high school 30 years ago. I don't think there is anything he hasn't tried at some point. Alcohol has always featured and three times since we got together we have had big dramatic "pour it down the sink scenes" only for it to be back as bad as ever a week later.
This time it "feels" different. Always before he has stopped drinking but needed "something" to sleep or wake up or whatever. This time there is to be nothing. This time it was all his own idea. This time he has told the people who got him "this and that" that he is done. This time it was not triggered by a vomiting, black out, massive hangover event. This time there was no fighting or ultimatums. He just looked at me and said "I want to see 50 I am done with this"
For the most part he has slept. He has gone to work on all three days but he hasn't missed a day's work in over a year. I think making it to work is some sort of baseline for him. So he has slept and gone to work and not a lot else. Yesterday he was very quiet. Today he has been quiet but grumpy. He doesn't seem at all pleased with his decision but is sticking to his guns.
I am pleased and happy but at the same time confused by how much time I'm spending thinking about co dependency and detaching. Why would I suddenly feel the need to detach at the very time he is making an attempt to get clean and sober. It's almost like I'm preparing myself for an inevitable failure.
I'm very glad to have found the site and am learning lots from other people's posts. Thank you.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
hi...you found the right spot to post...sorry your going through this...
the ddt's are pretty bad..and if he has been doing this for over 30 years...a good safe place like DETOX may help him out...
and that is all you should do, is suggest a doctor, AA and elsewhere, it is up to him to do the work...
and YOU? have you thought about a 12 step program for you...we have al anon and it works wonders...try it...
the ddt's are pretty bad..and if he has been doing this for over 30 years...a good safe place like DETOX may help him out...
and that is all you should do, is suggest a doctor, AA and elsewhere, it is up to him to do the work...
and YOU? have you thought about a 12 step program for you...we have al anon and it works wonders...try it...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, JJ, and welcome to SR. It's a great community w/a lot of experience, strength and hope and not a lot of BS. Hope you find some clarity here!
I take it your partner is not working any kind of program; he just decided to get sober/straight on his own, right? With no support or framework for this new sober life, even tho he has not been sober/straight for 30 years? Yipes...of course he's struggling. All the things he anesthetized away are coming back now that his "pacifier" is gone...and it takes pretty much a miracle for most people to do it this way. Google "dry drunk" and see if that helps you understand what might be happening.
In light of all the previous failures, it's not surprising that you would be bracing yourself for another one. How would this time be different than the others? He still has no plan for how to live sober/straight--just removing the alcohol/substances is not going to fix all the other problems he has been burying by drinking/using.
SO--he would do well to get to AA, if he is serious. You would do well to get to Alanon, regardless of what he does. Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ In case you aren't familiar, Alanon is for you and about you, and how to start working towards the life YOU want, no matter what your partner does or doesn't do.
You're smart to think about codependency and detaching! Check the stickied threads at the top of the page for a good start on educating yourself about what's happening.
Again, welcome, and I hope you find some answers here.
I take it your partner is not working any kind of program; he just decided to get sober/straight on his own, right? With no support or framework for this new sober life, even tho he has not been sober/straight for 30 years? Yipes...of course he's struggling. All the things he anesthetized away are coming back now that his "pacifier" is gone...and it takes pretty much a miracle for most people to do it this way. Google "dry drunk" and see if that helps you understand what might be happening.
In light of all the previous failures, it's not surprising that you would be bracing yourself for another one. How would this time be different than the others? He still has no plan for how to live sober/straight--just removing the alcohol/substances is not going to fix all the other problems he has been burying by drinking/using.
SO--he would do well to get to AA, if he is serious. You would do well to get to Alanon, regardless of what he does. Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ In case you aren't familiar, Alanon is for you and about you, and how to start working towards the life YOU want, no matter what your partner does or doesn't do.
You're smart to think about codependency and detaching! Check the stickied threads at the top of the page for a good start on educating yourself about what's happening.
Again, welcome, and I hope you find some answers here.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
A thank you and a response
Fourmaggie and Honeypig, thank you both for the sympathy and the welcome. I hope its okay to respond to you both in one post. There was (understandably) crossover in your responses and I'm confused by who to ask/tell what.
Yes he has just "stopped" with no talk of programmes or support and absolutely I agree that this does not bode well. I also agree that "dry drunk" is a name we could be using here but am inclined to think that a dry drunk is better than a drunk drunk (at least until he crashes) Is that wrong ?
I'm reluctant to even suggest AA for two reasons. Firstly it would be really easy for me to start "arranging" things. I've read lots of the codependency lit. and I think control is my middle name. He said at the start of this (was it only 4 days ago?) to please let him try his way. I am trying very hard to let him lead. Already I have ordered a couple of books I thought might help him and when I mentioned it to him he said (kindly) "you understand I might not be able to read them until I am ready" To be honest I am still a bit amazed by what appears to be sincerity on his part (even if it turns out to be short lived)
The second reason is that he once told me that years ago (before he and I knew each other) He attended AA for a year and was sober but not completely clean/straight. he said that he could never quite get his head around a "higher power" and struggled with this the whole time he attended. He later admitted he had got sober then to keep a promise he had made that having somewhere to live depended on and not really because he wanted to be sober. So I think he knows AA and how it works therefore the need to join or not join has to come from him.
And finally me (that's one of the attitudes I'm meant to change yeah?) The thought of the end results Al Anon could bring are really really attractive but to be honest I find the whole concept scary. I looked at the steps and while I can imagine surrendering to a higher power (I've had an "on" "off" relationship with God my whole life) I really can visualize it and the joy it would bring. I can't however imagine dragging up all the things I have gotten wrong in the past and stirring all the dust that has settled. The thought makes me feel quite ill.
Please tell me that in some small way I am allowed to celebrate that the man I love has gone to sleep for the 4th night in a row without putting anything harmful in his body and that somewhere in this there is a hope.
Yes he has just "stopped" with no talk of programmes or support and absolutely I agree that this does not bode well. I also agree that "dry drunk" is a name we could be using here but am inclined to think that a dry drunk is better than a drunk drunk (at least until he crashes) Is that wrong ?
I'm reluctant to even suggest AA for two reasons. Firstly it would be really easy for me to start "arranging" things. I've read lots of the codependency lit. and I think control is my middle name. He said at the start of this (was it only 4 days ago?) to please let him try his way. I am trying very hard to let him lead. Already I have ordered a couple of books I thought might help him and when I mentioned it to him he said (kindly) "you understand I might not be able to read them until I am ready" To be honest I am still a bit amazed by what appears to be sincerity on his part (even if it turns out to be short lived)
The second reason is that he once told me that years ago (before he and I knew each other) He attended AA for a year and was sober but not completely clean/straight. he said that he could never quite get his head around a "higher power" and struggled with this the whole time he attended. He later admitted he had got sober then to keep a promise he had made that having somewhere to live depended on and not really because he wanted to be sober. So I think he knows AA and how it works therefore the need to join or not join has to come from him.
And finally me (that's one of the attitudes I'm meant to change yeah?) The thought of the end results Al Anon could bring are really really attractive but to be honest I find the whole concept scary. I looked at the steps and while I can imagine surrendering to a higher power (I've had an "on" "off" relationship with God my whole life) I really can visualize it and the joy it would bring. I can't however imagine dragging up all the things I have gotten wrong in the past and stirring all the dust that has settled. The thought makes me feel quite ill.
Please tell me that in some small way I am allowed to celebrate that the man I love has gone to sleep for the 4th night in a row without putting anything harmful in his body and that somewhere in this there is a hope.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,323
He is not bad trying to get good but sick trying to get well. If he goes to AA he will meet people just like himself who will love him until he learns to love himself. Consequences force us drunks to want help. Pain sends us to AA and love keeps us there. He needs help from rehab if you can afford it or outpatient programs or lacking money go to AA meetings. You can send him there or go with him. Whatever it takes. Call AA and find the mtgs. AA will talk to you on the phone. AA is in the phone book. I have been sober for 27 years going to AA.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Thank you grtgrandpa, and yes I am trying to make myself see it as a sickness. To be honest, while the harder I look the more I see how it has affected our lives, until recent months I would say the thing that worried me most was him drinking himself into an early grave.
I know that AA is the best idea. I am just really scared he will respond negatively to the suggestion and will see it as me "pushing". If he was drinking I would have no problem with that pushing but right now I am working on letting him call the shots. If we manage to get as far as conversation tonight I will try and bring it around to his feelings about going back to AA.
Again Thank You
I know that AA is the best idea. I am just really scared he will respond negatively to the suggestion and will see it as me "pushing". If he was drinking I would have no problem with that pushing but right now I am working on letting him call the shots. If we manage to get as far as conversation tonight I will try and bring it around to his feelings about going back to AA.
Again Thank You
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JJ, he knows AA exists. He knows what his options are. The only question is if he is motivated to really change. Take the three C's to heart: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
What you CAN do is work on yourself. Alanon is a great place to start. Go attend a half dozen different meetings (and by that, I mean different groups, on different days and locations, not just 6 meetings of the same group). What have you got to lose?
I read an excellent post on another thread about how we all come here thinking that we are unique, that our situation is special, and that what others here say somehow doesn't apply to us. Time (sometimes more, sometimes less) tends to show us how untrue that is.
What you CAN do is work on yourself. Alanon is a great place to start. Go attend a half dozen different meetings (and by that, I mean different groups, on different days and locations, not just 6 meetings of the same group). What have you got to lose?
I read an excellent post on another thread about how we all come here thinking that we are unique, that our situation is special, and that what others here say somehow doesn't apply to us. Time (sometimes more, sometimes less) tends to show us how untrue that is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
JJ, maybe you are motivated to seek out Alanon and recovery for yourself because you see your partner making that choice for himself.
People do recover from alcoholism without AA. If he knows it and doesn't choose it doesn't necessarily mean that he will fail. I know there are other programs that are non-religious like AVRT - there is information here on SR about them.
As for Alanon and the steps, it may be painful, but it is freeing. You don't have to carry around those burdens as suppressed memories anymore.
Good luck to you both,
ShootingStar1
People do recover from alcoholism without AA. If he knows it and doesn't choose it doesn't necessarily mean that he will fail. I know there are other programs that are non-religious like AVRT - there is information here on SR about them.
As for Alanon and the steps, it may be painful, but it is freeing. You don't have to carry around those burdens as suppressed memories anymore.
Good luck to you both,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,323
Alinon is for you not the alcoholic. My wife has been going to Alinon for 27 years and she goes for her not me. Many Alinon members have husbands who are still drinking or stop drinking without going to AA. Take care of you and leave your partner to his higher power which is not you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
JJ, bear in mind that your Higher Power doesn't necessarily have to be the traditional Judeo/Christian God. For many that works and they use the word "God." For others, not so much.
I haven't started any steps yet, and I've hardly gone to any meetings, but what little I've done has helped tremendously. I think you can go at your own pace.
I haven't started any steps yet, and I've hardly gone to any meetings, but what little I've done has helped tremendously. I think you can go at your own pace.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 5
Newcomer help
Hi,
My boyfriend is going to rehab for alcohol. He said he can't have a girlfriend while he's there because he needs to focus on himself. However, he also says he still loves me and doesn't want "us" to change.
I don't know what to do. I obviously still love him and am so proud of him for making this decision. However, I am so sad for the selfish reasons of not knowing what is going to happen to us. I want to be there for him and support him. Why did he do this?
My boyfriend is going to rehab for alcohol. He said he can't have a girlfriend while he's there because he needs to focus on himself. However, he also says he still loves me and doesn't want "us" to change.
I don't know what to do. I obviously still love him and am so proud of him for making this decision. However, I am so sad for the selfish reasons of not knowing what is going to happen to us. I want to be there for him and support him. Why did he do this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Sueski, Thank you. I am reading and learning. I'll get there.
Emmiemary, I have no advice, I'm at the very beginning of the journey just like you but I wish you well and I'm sure that we have both found a place we need to be right now in SR
Emmiemary, I have no advice, I'm at the very beginning of the journey just like you but I wish you well and I'm sure that we have both found a place we need to be right now in SR
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Hi, Emmiemary. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found it , but sorry you need it.
Try reading the 'stickies' at the top of the page, and any of Melody Beattie's books you can get your hands on. Also, AlAnon may be helpful for you. I haven't been with someone who's gone to rehab, but I understand that in early recovery they have to make sobriety the absolute priority. I would think that must leave you feeling pretty much lost at sea.
To get more feedback from people who have been exactly where you are now, I suggest you create a new thread with your questions. People may not see your post where it is now because they might it realize it isn't just continuing to conversation. Take care.
ETA: and after I posted, I saw that you had created a new thread!! Sorry for the redundancy!
Try reading the 'stickies' at the top of the page, and any of Melody Beattie's books you can get your hands on. Also, AlAnon may be helpful for you. I haven't been with someone who's gone to rehab, but I understand that in early recovery they have to make sobriety the absolute priority. I would think that must leave you feeling pretty much lost at sea.
To get more feedback from people who have been exactly where you are now, I suggest you create a new thread with your questions. People may not see your post where it is now because they might it realize it isn't just continuing to conversation. Take care.
ETA: and after I posted, I saw that you had created a new thread!! Sorry for the redundancy!
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