Silly Question
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Silly Question
This might be the stupidest thing I have ever had to ask anyone because deep down I know the answer, I know the response most people will give yet I still need to ask for reassurance I guess. ABF is constantly telling me that he would have never been abusive had I not cheated on him and he wasnt drinking and that I created the monster that he is so I should just deal with it. There is no way this is true, Right? At the time when most of his abuse happened was after an incident of me talking to a mutual friend, I hadnt done anything physical. He constantly said I was lying when I wasnt and used that as an excuse to lose his temper and attack me on several occasions. I have lost track of the number of times he has had his hands around my throat at this point. Anyways, part of me cant help but to think he might be right, he was never like that before but he didnt drink then either so regardless of my talking to the other guy he wouldve just found another reason to do so, right?
Like I said I feel stupid for even asking that question or doubting what I know is true because I am letting him get back in my head, trick me into having pity for him because of my own wrong doings and guilt. I am letting him make me believe he has justifiable reasons for doing what he has done when he doesnt. He hasnt put his hands on me in almost 5 months, he has came close but has managed to stop himself though the verbal has never ceased. We are once again going through a lot right now, I dont learn clearly because after 11 months of no contact with the mutual friend that lives right down the rd from us I received a letter in my mailbox for him back in nov of last yr and I met up with him to give it to him. I was in a really bad spot emotionally and was at the peak of his abuse and things progressed into a 9 month relationship with this guy that just all came out into the open a few weeks ago. I hadnt been having any physical relationship with abf for a few months before the friend came back in the pic and still havent and had tried to break it off with him more times than I can count so I never really felt bad for doing what I was doing. It was the only little bit of happiness ive had in almost 5 yrs. It was nice to forget it all and have some sort of normal even though it wasnt anywhere near normal. I still dont really feel bad, I thought going into it if it ever came out before I could get away from abf then it would be over anyways but of course it fueled his desire to stay together. Anyways I havent talked to the friend even though I want to more than anything and now abf is hell bent on making it work while he is sober but starts bashing and raging when he is drunk and I feel like the cycle is just starting over. He blames me and I blame him and our poor little girl is stuck in the middle. He is calling me non stop while he is at work, I get evil eyes and followed around while with my family, he has followed me around town and he thinks this is all normal because of what I did. It all just needs to end, I know this yet every time I get close I start to feel bad for destorying his life or like I need to defend him. I feel so mentally screwed up. I want to call the dv line but I feel like I might be judged for cheating on him which is ridiculous. I honestly just want to go to sleep and not wake up for awhile, I am depressed and having a hard time in finding the strength to go on, my daughter is the only reason I am still waking up every morning. My rambling says everything about my state of mind right now, I just want to clear...........
Like I said I feel stupid for even asking that question or doubting what I know is true because I am letting him get back in my head, trick me into having pity for him because of my own wrong doings and guilt. I am letting him make me believe he has justifiable reasons for doing what he has done when he doesnt. He hasnt put his hands on me in almost 5 months, he has came close but has managed to stop himself though the verbal has never ceased. We are once again going through a lot right now, I dont learn clearly because after 11 months of no contact with the mutual friend that lives right down the rd from us I received a letter in my mailbox for him back in nov of last yr and I met up with him to give it to him. I was in a really bad spot emotionally and was at the peak of his abuse and things progressed into a 9 month relationship with this guy that just all came out into the open a few weeks ago. I hadnt been having any physical relationship with abf for a few months before the friend came back in the pic and still havent and had tried to break it off with him more times than I can count so I never really felt bad for doing what I was doing. It was the only little bit of happiness ive had in almost 5 yrs. It was nice to forget it all and have some sort of normal even though it wasnt anywhere near normal. I still dont really feel bad, I thought going into it if it ever came out before I could get away from abf then it would be over anyways but of course it fueled his desire to stay together. Anyways I havent talked to the friend even though I want to more than anything and now abf is hell bent on making it work while he is sober but starts bashing and raging when he is drunk and I feel like the cycle is just starting over. He blames me and I blame him and our poor little girl is stuck in the middle. He is calling me non stop while he is at work, I get evil eyes and followed around while with my family, he has followed me around town and he thinks this is all normal because of what I did. It all just needs to end, I know this yet every time I get close I start to feel bad for destorying his life or like I need to defend him. I feel so mentally screwed up. I want to call the dv line but I feel like I might be judged for cheating on him which is ridiculous. I honestly just want to go to sleep and not wake up for awhile, I am depressed and having a hard time in finding the strength to go on, my daughter is the only reason I am still waking up every morning. My rambling says everything about my state of mind right now, I just want to clear...........
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
We can tell you, but you already know the answer. There's never an excuse for this kind of behavior.
Please keep your little girl and you safe. Don't worry about what he or anyone else will think. That's the bottom line.
Please keep your little girl and you safe. Don't worry about what he or anyone else will think. That's the bottom line.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
i knew what you where gonna say by the 1st line...
its called SHIFT BLAMING....
have you tried al anon?
and read Co dependent No more from Melody Beattie....i so love this book on my third time in reading it...always seeing something new when i read it
3C's
you did not causes this
you have no control over it
and there is no cure
this is a typical response for his poorly behaviour...
its called SHIFT BLAMING....
have you tried al anon?
and read Co dependent No more from Melody Beattie....i so love this book on my third time in reading it...always seeing something new when i read it
3C's
you did not causes this
you have no control over it
and there is no cure
this is a typical response for his poorly behaviour...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
You are not to blame for his behavior. Period. Full stop. And as for people judging you for your infidelity, so what. The only people whose opinions you should consider are those who stood beside (or preferably in front of!) you when he was hitting and strangling you. If you were alone and with no-one to protect you, then it is your own opinion, and your opinion alone, which you should consult.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by POAndrea 
The only people whose opinions you should consider are those who stood beside (or preferably in front of!) you when he was hitting and strangling you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; It is because we do not dare that they are difficult." - Seneca
When we are alone, in the middle of a nightmare, it is impossible to believe that we're sleeping, that we'll wake up, that we aren't going to be there for the rest of our lives. I know, and I wish I could just come and get you and take you and your daughter far away until you are able to see that you will wake up one day.
Don't be alone anymore. Call the DV hotline and get started on the logistics of protecting yourself and your daughter and don't give yourself time to wallow in the blame and the guilt -- those aren't helpful emotions. They keep us stuck. They make everything harder.
And never forget he is an adult man who is responsible for his choices, his actions, his reactions, and his happiness. You don't have the power you think you have over him. And the more you buy into the idea that you do, the less responsibility he has to take for his own bad behavior. It just doesn't matter what you did or didn't do.
When we are alone, in the middle of a nightmare, it is impossible to believe that we're sleeping, that we'll wake up, that we aren't going to be there for the rest of our lives. I know, and I wish I could just come and get you and take you and your daughter far away until you are able to see that you will wake up one day.
Don't be alone anymore. Call the DV hotline and get started on the logistics of protecting yourself and your daughter and don't give yourself time to wallow in the blame and the guilt -- those aren't helpful emotions. They keep us stuck. They make everything harder.
And never forget he is an adult man who is responsible for his choices, his actions, his reactions, and his happiness. You don't have the power you think you have over him. And the more you buy into the idea that you do, the less responsibility he has to take for his own bad behavior. It just doesn't matter what you did or didn't do.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I am feeling a little better today,after a week of self pity, no sleep and only enough food to survive I realize that I clearly hit a set back with all of the affair business coming out. I think I was letting my own guilt and his guilt pull me back into my codependency and allowing myself to lose focus that my own opinion and thoughts should be respected by me more than his or anyone else. My own thoughts should count and I shouldnt let them be swayed by his wants or needs and thoughts. I definitely see that I am way deeper in than I thought. I have read a lot about being codependent and thought I got it but now walking through this I see I have a lot more problems than I thought with myself that have nothing to do with him.
I dont know myself, I dont feel like a person. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. I have been people pleasing for as long as I can remember, it never matter what I wanted as a child. It was only about what I had to do to maintain the peace and keep everyone else calm and happy so I wouldnt have to deal with my parents fighting and my brother and dad. It never stopped, I escaped that by being with ABF who wasnt an A at the time. Life was good then, we were happy but it was bound to fail because deep down I still had my problems from growing up like that that I was ignoring instead of fixing. Then he started drinking and it all came rushing back, then my dad started drinking again and my parents finally split up, and I had a baby and the abuse started and life was just spiraling down out of control.
I felt so helpless, still do a lot of the times but it is days like this when I can see just a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel and know that I own my life, I am allowed to make my own decisions regardless of others opinions and not have to feel bad for it as long as it makes my and my daughters life better that I think maybe I can actually do this. Its hard and the option of staying in my denial and blindness seems so much easier but I cant pass this burden on to my kid the way it was to me. Easy isnt an option right now, I have to deal with my problems, I have to learn to understand that I cant respect other people more than myself and expect to get respect in return, sometimes you have to do hard stuff to make life better in the end even if it doesnt feel like that at the moment. I still sit and just bitch and moan about him, still HIM HIM HIM, he did this and he did that. I need to worry about me and let him deal with his own. So here I sit, feeling nervous and doubtful and tired but I can see still, I still havent been sucked back completely in this time. Time to pick myself up, keeping pushing forward and continue trying to make myself a better healthier person for my little girl. So she has a strong, smart, capable mother to help her through her own life instead of a victim that allows others to control her happiness.
I seriously dont know what I would do without this site. I have already learned so much from everyone here and had I not found it I would undoubtedly be way worse off than I am. Knowledge is power, right? Growing and changing is tough business and courage sometimes feels a lot like fear but if I can make it past all of this one day I think it will be one of the most rewarding experiences in my entire life. So my next step is to find an al anon meeting list for my area and start attending, he will through a fit I am sure but I am not going to hide it. He doesnt own me, I can better myself if I want to without his approval. I also want to get involved with some sort of counseling but I dont have heath insurance or a job so that could be a little more difficult.
I dont know myself, I dont feel like a person. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. I have been people pleasing for as long as I can remember, it never matter what I wanted as a child. It was only about what I had to do to maintain the peace and keep everyone else calm and happy so I wouldnt have to deal with my parents fighting and my brother and dad. It never stopped, I escaped that by being with ABF who wasnt an A at the time. Life was good then, we were happy but it was bound to fail because deep down I still had my problems from growing up like that that I was ignoring instead of fixing. Then he started drinking and it all came rushing back, then my dad started drinking again and my parents finally split up, and I had a baby and the abuse started and life was just spiraling down out of control.
I felt so helpless, still do a lot of the times but it is days like this when I can see just a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel and know that I own my life, I am allowed to make my own decisions regardless of others opinions and not have to feel bad for it as long as it makes my and my daughters life better that I think maybe I can actually do this. Its hard and the option of staying in my denial and blindness seems so much easier but I cant pass this burden on to my kid the way it was to me. Easy isnt an option right now, I have to deal with my problems, I have to learn to understand that I cant respect other people more than myself and expect to get respect in return, sometimes you have to do hard stuff to make life better in the end even if it doesnt feel like that at the moment. I still sit and just bitch and moan about him, still HIM HIM HIM, he did this and he did that. I need to worry about me and let him deal with his own. So here I sit, feeling nervous and doubtful and tired but I can see still, I still havent been sucked back completely in this time. Time to pick myself up, keeping pushing forward and continue trying to make myself a better healthier person for my little girl. So she has a strong, smart, capable mother to help her through her own life instead of a victim that allows others to control her happiness.
I seriously dont know what I would do without this site. I have already learned so much from everyone here and had I not found it I would undoubtedly be way worse off than I am. Knowledge is power, right? Growing and changing is tough business and courage sometimes feels a lot like fear but if I can make it past all of this one day I think it will be one of the most rewarding experiences in my entire life. So my next step is to find an al anon meeting list for my area and start attending, he will through a fit I am sure but I am not going to hide it. He doesnt own me, I can better myself if I want to without his approval. I also want to get involved with some sort of counseling but I dont have heath insurance or a job so that could be a little more difficult.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by whiskeyman
GET OUT.
For the sake of your child.
She is learning that men can treat women this way and get away with it. That she needs to accept this behaviour.
You are the teacher
For the sake of your child.
She is learning that men can treat women this way and get away with it. That she needs to accept this behaviour.
You are the teacher
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
that is exactly waht she learns. They are sponges.
and her role model is you as a woman.
If she was older and getting married and you knew her BF was the way your husband is to you, would you have some advice for her.
and her role model is you as a woman.
If she was older and getting married and you knew her BF was the way your husband is to you, would you have some advice for her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
You didn't make him how he is. You're not God, you don't have the power to make somebody a certain way.
Plenty of men have their gf's cheat on them and don't react with violence and abuse. There are other options. If he wanted to still be with you he could offer to go to counseling and work on your relationship. He could ask about what 'caused' you to cheat and try to fix things. He could decide that it's not ok with him and break up with you. He has a ton of options in how to respond to it and you didn't make him choose one.
I think he almost likes that you cheated as it gives him a way to make you feel guilty and control you and your emotions. It lets him have something to blame his poor behavior on. If a relationship is going to last after cheating, he has to be willing to forgive you or it's not gonna work well for either of you and it sounds like he has no interest in doing that.
If you're tempted by other men, perhaps it's time to examine whether or not your needs are getting met in your relationship with your bf? Maybe you could consider changes so that you can be in a relationship you're happy with rather than looking for happiness outside of your relationship?
You say that you cheating has made your bf want you to stay with him more than ever, but do you want to stay with him more than ever? Or do you want out?
Plenty of men have their gf's cheat on them and don't react with violence and abuse. There are other options. If he wanted to still be with you he could offer to go to counseling and work on your relationship. He could ask about what 'caused' you to cheat and try to fix things. He could decide that it's not ok with him and break up with you. He has a ton of options in how to respond to it and you didn't make him choose one.
I think he almost likes that you cheated as it gives him a way to make you feel guilty and control you and your emotions. It lets him have something to blame his poor behavior on. If a relationship is going to last after cheating, he has to be willing to forgive you or it's not gonna work well for either of you and it sounds like he has no interest in doing that.
If you're tempted by other men, perhaps it's time to examine whether or not your needs are getting met in your relationship with your bf? Maybe you could consider changes so that you can be in a relationship you're happy with rather than looking for happiness outside of your relationship?
You say that you cheating has made your bf want you to stay with him more than ever, but do you want to stay with him more than ever? Or do you want out?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Sadconfused........... hello. I just wanted to tell you that I lurked around on here for a long time before I ever posted. There ARE a lot of helpful, caring people here who will help you see things more clearly. I would recommend that you get your hand on a copy of the book, "Women Who Love Too Much".... I found so many things that applied to me (Especially how childhood experiences shape us as adults.) and it really helped me understand WHY I had a hard time saying goodbye, and WHY I felt guilty about breaking things off with my XABF. He was not physically or verbally abusive in any way.... but still, I had become so co dependant that I was mothering him and trying to make everything all better....to the point I was addicted and crazy with it all. I felt useless and like I was going nutso!
Once you SEE that this is not your fault and that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and YOUR feelings.... just finally KnOWING these things, will help you turn your life around. It takes a lot of work to heal from this kind of pain, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!! AND SO IS YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER
Hugz
Once you SEE that this is not your fault and that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and YOUR feelings.... just finally KnOWING these things, will help you turn your life around. It takes a lot of work to heal from this kind of pain, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!! AND SO IS YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER
Hugz
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
As humans we all make mistakes in one way or another. As a parent, we all make mistakes. Your affair was one mistake. Forgive yourself & don't make you & your daughter pay for that mistake for the rest of your lives. Let yourself move on. By staying in a relationship where that past that you feel guilty about is constantly brought up or where your daughter has any kind of anxiety is not healthy for her or you. His drinking is not your fault, no matter what you did or did not do. But let's say for arguments sake that it is. Even if you did give him a reason to drink, your daughter didn't. She shouldn't have to live with the consequences. Even though you feel guilty & love him, you have to be a mom first. Leave for your daughter's sake.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
