I still miss my alcoholic ex...why?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
I still miss my alcoholic ex...why?
I believe that at one time or another we all reach a point in our lives where we think we’ve finally found our place, our purpose. But then thoughts or memories from our past reappear and change our perspectives completely. They cause us to question our motives and whether or not our plans for the future are really those of our destinies, or just plans that we’ve conjured up in our minds in order to make ourselves feel as if we have found some form of fulfillment.
In my case, I believed that I had found the love of my life many years ago. I couldn’t even begin to picture my life without him in it. He had the ability to make me laugh without even trying, I couldn’t wait to get home at the end of the day, the butterfly feeling was always with me whether I was with him or alone. He was smart, funny, would help anyone at the drop of a dime and had the most inquisitive personality I’d ever seen. Aside from the strong love that I had for him, there was still a small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that I continued to push aside. This doubt had nothing to do with questioning my own feelings for him, but consisted of whether or not his feelings towards me were the same. I really didn’t have to even think twice about making the decision to ride things out until a few years later. While my love for him never lessened in any way, I began to take more notice of the things that I had been brushing off, like the feelings he showed towards me. Things like the increasing lack of affection; instead of hugs and a sincere kiss once in a while, I got a quick “roll in the hay” and then it was off to sleep on our own sides of the bed after hearing the word, Thanks. There were no good mornings or good byes before leaving for work and even after work I would see his truck pull in the driveway, he would run into the barn to grab something and then I would see him go off and be gone again without ever even coming inside. Instead of defending me when I was being belittled or made uncomfortable, he began joining in on the insults and disrespect. The accusations began and the disrespect kept getting worse and the Trust was shaky at best. No matter how strong a person is, everyone still needs to hear the person they love encourage and compliment them instead of pointing out every flaw they can find, making you feel about as small as a grain of sand.
After a while all of the negativity began to take even more of a toll on my emotions little by little. One night after sitting home alone until the early hours of morning without hearing a word from him while he was out living it up with his buddies all night, he finally came home, could hardly walk straight, couldn’t say a word without slurring and the best part, he had a pretty significant ex-girlfriend in tow on the back of the four wheeler with him and had apparently made the decision to allow her to spend the night. That was when I finally realized that all of the effort and heartache I had been going through might have just been a waste of my time and all of the love I tried to give in a long shot attempt to just get the same back from him. But despite all of this, I was still determined to not give up on this man who obviously had a problem and was obviously afraid of opening up to someone after being hurt so badly prior to our own relationship. I was not done trying to convince someone that I had loved whole-heartedly that I was not going to hurt him or leave him like others had before. We do however, all have a breaking point and after being involved in a near fatal accident, the words “I guess you’re just a burden now” became that breaking point for me and that is also the point where the end of our time together began to play out. To hear yourself described as a ‘burden’ by the one person I loved the most, only confirmed for me that that was all I was all along. All of the images of our future I had hoped to have together were completely shattered at the end of that one small sentence. I could not for the life of me comprehend how the person I had loved so much and had tried so hard for for so long, despite all of our struggles, could completely crush you and then just walk away without showing any kind of remorse what so ever.
I spent weeks trying to come to terms with the fact that the whole relationship was nothing more than a joke to all of those who were aware of it. At one point a slight effort was made to try and repair what had been broken from the start, but by this point I was already so afraid to fully open myself up to that vulnerability and the possibility of reliving the same hurt that I was still far from recovering from to begin with. After being hurt so badly over and over again by a person who all you wanted to do was help, to make sure they knew that they have someone who they can always count on, someone that only wanted to help make they’re everything better, to stand by them through the highs and the lows…to make sure they knew that the only thing I wanted in return, was to receive the same kind of love I had tried to give them. My only instinct was to run, force myself into thinking that I was over him and made the emotional wreck of a decision…to move on. Once the gravity of that decision set in, then came the feeling of failure, a feeling that I still deal with years later. Even after meeting someone who made me feel wonderful, someone who was nothing but good to me. But the problem is that a huge part of my heart still to this day, belongs to someone else.
This is a very harsh truth for me to admit and this is the first time I have been able to come out and say these things that I have been holding on to for such a long time. But the truth is yes, I am ‘comfortable’ in every aspect of the word but the feeling of guilt and regret is something that I still carry with me daily. I feel like I am living a lie every morning when I wake up. I wonder every day how different things might have been if maybe I had just given that one more chance. Loving someone is the easy part, but being “in love” with someone is one of the hardest, most challenging things we will ever experience. But, staying in love with someone despite distance, time, hurt and loss is even harder than that. The feeling of being stuck and knowing that eventually, having to hurt someone who has done nothing but love you is inescapable when you know that you’ve already loved someone so much more than you could even attempt to love anyone else again. I am bringing myself to finally say these things because one of the biggest mistakes I made was not speaking up when I had the chance, I now find myself in the position of wanting something that I may never be able to get back. Alcoholism affects more than just the person with the disease, it affects those who love them and it affects the future of those who love them as well. While that relationship had the makings of a happy ending that was thrown away, by both of us. Now that the bitterness, anger and sadness have passed, instead of holding onto the bad memories I know that I will always have the irreplaceable good memories that stay with me every day. The memories that make me smile for no reason and laugh when I feel like crying. While I may have made some efforts to move on, my biggest fear is that if the hurt goes away, so will all of those good memories…and I don’t ever want to forget a single moment we had together. Good or bad. Am I crazy for still having these feelings or is this just a part of the denial that goes along with a failed relationship with an alcoholic?
In my case, I believed that I had found the love of my life many years ago. I couldn’t even begin to picture my life without him in it. He had the ability to make me laugh without even trying, I couldn’t wait to get home at the end of the day, the butterfly feeling was always with me whether I was with him or alone. He was smart, funny, would help anyone at the drop of a dime and had the most inquisitive personality I’d ever seen. Aside from the strong love that I had for him, there was still a small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that I continued to push aside. This doubt had nothing to do with questioning my own feelings for him, but consisted of whether or not his feelings towards me were the same. I really didn’t have to even think twice about making the decision to ride things out until a few years later. While my love for him never lessened in any way, I began to take more notice of the things that I had been brushing off, like the feelings he showed towards me. Things like the increasing lack of affection; instead of hugs and a sincere kiss once in a while, I got a quick “roll in the hay” and then it was off to sleep on our own sides of the bed after hearing the word, Thanks. There were no good mornings or good byes before leaving for work and even after work I would see his truck pull in the driveway, he would run into the barn to grab something and then I would see him go off and be gone again without ever even coming inside. Instead of defending me when I was being belittled or made uncomfortable, he began joining in on the insults and disrespect. The accusations began and the disrespect kept getting worse and the Trust was shaky at best. No matter how strong a person is, everyone still needs to hear the person they love encourage and compliment them instead of pointing out every flaw they can find, making you feel about as small as a grain of sand.
After a while all of the negativity began to take even more of a toll on my emotions little by little. One night after sitting home alone until the early hours of morning without hearing a word from him while he was out living it up with his buddies all night, he finally came home, could hardly walk straight, couldn’t say a word without slurring and the best part, he had a pretty significant ex-girlfriend in tow on the back of the four wheeler with him and had apparently made the decision to allow her to spend the night. That was when I finally realized that all of the effort and heartache I had been going through might have just been a waste of my time and all of the love I tried to give in a long shot attempt to just get the same back from him. But despite all of this, I was still determined to not give up on this man who obviously had a problem and was obviously afraid of opening up to someone after being hurt so badly prior to our own relationship. I was not done trying to convince someone that I had loved whole-heartedly that I was not going to hurt him or leave him like others had before. We do however, all have a breaking point and after being involved in a near fatal accident, the words “I guess you’re just a burden now” became that breaking point for me and that is also the point where the end of our time together began to play out. To hear yourself described as a ‘burden’ by the one person I loved the most, only confirmed for me that that was all I was all along. All of the images of our future I had hoped to have together were completely shattered at the end of that one small sentence. I could not for the life of me comprehend how the person I had loved so much and had tried so hard for for so long, despite all of our struggles, could completely crush you and then just walk away without showing any kind of remorse what so ever.
I spent weeks trying to come to terms with the fact that the whole relationship was nothing more than a joke to all of those who were aware of it. At one point a slight effort was made to try and repair what had been broken from the start, but by this point I was already so afraid to fully open myself up to that vulnerability and the possibility of reliving the same hurt that I was still far from recovering from to begin with. After being hurt so badly over and over again by a person who all you wanted to do was help, to make sure they knew that they have someone who they can always count on, someone that only wanted to help make they’re everything better, to stand by them through the highs and the lows…to make sure they knew that the only thing I wanted in return, was to receive the same kind of love I had tried to give them. My only instinct was to run, force myself into thinking that I was over him and made the emotional wreck of a decision…to move on. Once the gravity of that decision set in, then came the feeling of failure, a feeling that I still deal with years later. Even after meeting someone who made me feel wonderful, someone who was nothing but good to me. But the problem is that a huge part of my heart still to this day, belongs to someone else.
This is a very harsh truth for me to admit and this is the first time I have been able to come out and say these things that I have been holding on to for such a long time. But the truth is yes, I am ‘comfortable’ in every aspect of the word but the feeling of guilt and regret is something that I still carry with me daily. I feel like I am living a lie every morning when I wake up. I wonder every day how different things might have been if maybe I had just given that one more chance. Loving someone is the easy part, but being “in love” with someone is one of the hardest, most challenging things we will ever experience. But, staying in love with someone despite distance, time, hurt and loss is even harder than that. The feeling of being stuck and knowing that eventually, having to hurt someone who has done nothing but love you is inescapable when you know that you’ve already loved someone so much more than you could even attempt to love anyone else again. I am bringing myself to finally say these things because one of the biggest mistakes I made was not speaking up when I had the chance, I now find myself in the position of wanting something that I may never be able to get back. Alcoholism affects more than just the person with the disease, it affects those who love them and it affects the future of those who love them as well. While that relationship had the makings of a happy ending that was thrown away, by both of us. Now that the bitterness, anger and sadness have passed, instead of holding onto the bad memories I know that I will always have the irreplaceable good memories that stay with me every day. The memories that make me smile for no reason and laugh when I feel like crying. While I may have made some efforts to move on, my biggest fear is that if the hurt goes away, so will all of those good memories…and I don’t ever want to forget a single moment we had together. Good or bad. Am I crazy for still having these feelings or is this just a part of the denial that goes along with a failed relationship with an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
WOW good post.... you are not crazy at all. And if you are, then I am crazy too. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I have not met anyone new, and not planning on it , as I have our son ( the A and I's son) myself, job, home and dog to worry about. But the feeling of failure is a big one in me. I don't usually read long post but this one caught me. All of it is spot on, you are not crazy and you are supposed to have feelings, it's just sometimes we don't want to feel them. You never stop loving someone, or you never did love them in first place, not much gray area in my opinon. I miss my EXABF too and have no idea why....I guess because I love him, and always will. And with that I think there may always be hurt....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Stillhurt,
How long has this relationship been over?
Are you with someone else now?
Did he cause this near fatal accident by driving drunk?
Are you still physically hurt from the accident?
Just trying to see what is going on with you...
How long has this relationship been over?
Are you with someone else now?
Did he cause this near fatal accident by driving drunk?
Are you still physically hurt from the accident?
Just trying to see what is going on with you...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by stillhurt 
In my case, I believed that I had found the love of my life many years ago. I couldn’t even begin to picture my life without him in it.
I think that is the difference. Being able to separate the "love of my life" versus the man I love right now. Being realistic about it. Heck, not even using these terms anymore.
Call me cynical, but I've loved multiple men in my lifetime, and none of them were really the "love of my life". Honestly, the "loves of my life" are myself and my children, and hopefully my grandchildren.
I've had "soulmates" who were of the same gender. Ever meet someone who you just instantly clicked with even if it was another woman? I have several times.
So instead of thinking of it in these terms, which make great love songs, fiction novels, and romantic comedies, try re-framing it in a more realistic light, taking all the frilly words out of the equation. Maybe that will help stop the tendency to look back and romanticize the relationship that obviously wasn't meant to be.
Just my humble opinion based on my 41 years of wisdom and experiences. Take what works and leave the rest!
Ok, all that said, break ups just hurt for a while. There is no way around it. But in time, like everything else, this too shall pass. I am sorry you are still hurting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
Stillhurt,
How long has this relationship been over?
Are you with someone else now?
Did he cause this near fatal accident by driving drunk?
Are you still physically hurt from the accident?
Just trying to see what is going on with you...
How long has this relationship been over?
Are you with someone else now?
Did he cause this near fatal accident by driving drunk?
Are you still physically hurt from the accident?
Just trying to see what is going on with you...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi StillHurt; Trauma causes changes to our brains; much like alcohol and drug abuse do. For example; I had a severe illness 20 years ago that lasted several years. Even today, I have leftover emotional trauma and triggers from that situation that may always be in my life. The fact that you were involved in an abusive alcoholic relationship followed by an intense illness tells me that you are dealing with trauma. This isn't your fault. It's just what the brain does. Working with a therapist who works with this in mind should lessen the guilt. Also, read the amazing stories here. I guarantee you, that you will feel less alone and less crazy. The soul mate stuff is just fluff and how it "feels". Feelings are fleeting and they often don't mean much. If you really can get to the point of deeply understanding that it wasn't your fault and we ALL here understand the dynamic of our addiction to the addict; then you will be able to give yourself a break. It will happen, with therapy, time, and compassion to yourself.
Hugs/love
Hugs/love
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I hear you and u've had some great replies.
Over the years when men/partners have treated me badly I have always questioned myself as to why they have done this and what I did to deserve this. It's taken me a long time to learn that other people treat me the way they do because of them and their own experiences even though they may not believe it themselves and tell me otherwise. I.e blame me for treating me badly.
I'm currently in a new relationship and often tell my partner I want to be with him forever as this is how I feel, right now. It actually feels really good telling him that and I get great delight in expressing this to him but at the same time I am aware life may have other plans for us. This is very new thinking for me and I am aware probably rather sane for once in my life.
Over the years when men/partners have treated me badly I have always questioned myself as to why they have done this and what I did to deserve this. It's taken me a long time to learn that other people treat me the way they do because of them and their own experiences even though they may not believe it themselves and tell me otherwise. I.e blame me for treating me badly.
I'm currently in a new relationship and often tell my partner I want to be with him forever as this is how I feel, right now. It actually feels really good telling him that and I get great delight in expressing this to him but at the same time I am aware life may have other plans for us. This is very new thinking for me and I am aware probably rather sane for once in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by nbay2013
Hi StillHurt; Trauma causes changes to our brains; much like alcohol and drug abuse do. For example; I had a severe illness 20 years ago that lasted several years. Even today, I have leftover emotional trauma and triggers from that situation that may always be in my life. The fact that you were involved in an abusive alcoholic relationship followed by an intense illness tells me that you are dealing with trauma. This isn't your fault. It's just what the brain does. Working with a therapist who works with this in mind should lessen the guilt. Also, read the amazing stories here. I guarantee you, that you will feel less alone and less crazy. The soul mate stuff is just fluff and how it "feels". Feelings are fleeting and they often don't mean much. If you really can get to the point of deeply understanding that it wasn't your fault and we ALL here understand the dynamic of our addiction to the addict; then you will be able to give yourself a break. It will happen, with therapy, time, and compassion to yourself.
Hugs/love
Hugs/love
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Hi Stillhurt. Welcome to SR.
When my ex and I broke up, I also felt guilty at first, but I felt guilty because he didn't have anywhere to go and I felt like he wasn't smart enough to figure it all out. Come to find out he HAS figured it out and will be fine. I also felt guilty because HE called ME his soul mate and to this day he doesn't understand what happened to our relationship.
I guess my question to you is, What exactly do YOU feel guilty about? You were the one in the accident and have suffered greatly from it..... sounds like you have done nothing but bend over backwards for this man who has shown you NO respect. He is the one who brought another woman into your home to let her spend the night......and frankly, THAT would have been a deal breaker with me. I know you are hurting and I am very very sorry.....
I would recommend that you begin work on YOU immediately so that you see you are a good person and that you DESERVE to be treated like a queen! There are alot of other poeple that will have stories to offer you and wisdom to shed light on how you are feeling. In the meantime, If you lie to read, I have completed 3 books now which are helping me to change MY way of thinking about myself. ONE is called "Women Who Love Too Much", another is called "Co-Dependant No More", and the third is "The Princess Who Believed in FairyTales". ALL are good books and have shed light on a lot of my questions about WHY I have felt and done the things I have.
Good luck to you, and please stick around here.
When my ex and I broke up, I also felt guilty at first, but I felt guilty because he didn't have anywhere to go and I felt like he wasn't smart enough to figure it all out. Come to find out he HAS figured it out and will be fine. I also felt guilty because HE called ME his soul mate and to this day he doesn't understand what happened to our relationship.
I guess my question to you is, What exactly do YOU feel guilty about? You were the one in the accident and have suffered greatly from it..... sounds like you have done nothing but bend over backwards for this man who has shown you NO respect. He is the one who brought another woman into your home to let her spend the night......and frankly, THAT would have been a deal breaker with me. I know you are hurting and I am very very sorry.....
I would recommend that you begin work on YOU immediately so that you see you are a good person and that you DESERVE to be treated like a queen! There are alot of other poeple that will have stories to offer you and wisdom to shed light on how you are feeling. In the meantime, If you lie to read, I have completed 3 books now which are helping me to change MY way of thinking about myself. ONE is called "Women Who Love Too Much", another is called "Co-Dependant No More", and the third is "The Princess Who Believed in FairyTales". ALL are good books and have shed light on a lot of my questions about WHY I have felt and done the things I have.
Good luck to you, and please stick around here.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
dear stillhurt...you can start your own thread, and there is alot to read in SR...alot of good blogs too....
welcome...
please dont blame you....
we have what you call the 3c's
1. you did not cause this
2.you can not control this
3.and there is no cure...
have you tried al anon...?
and Melody Beattie offers a good read called "Codependent NoMore"
its time to focus on you and your health and well being..and that is ok..its called SELFCARE, and its NOT selfish...
welcome...
please dont blame you....
we have what you call the 3c's
1. you did not cause this
2.you can not control this
3.and there is no cure...
have you tried al anon...?
and Melody Beattie offers a good read called "Codependent NoMore"
its time to focus on you and your health and well being..and that is ok..its called SELFCARE, and its NOT selfish...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Here's my perspective...I can imagine my life without my loved ones in it. I may not want that, but I know life goes on and I will be fine either way.
I think that is the difference. Being able to separate the "love of my life" versus the man I love right now. Being realistic about it. Heck, not even using these terms anymore.
Call me cynical, but I've loved multiple men in my lifetime, and none of them were really the "love of my life". Honestly, the "loves of my life" are myself and my children, and hopefully my grandchildren.
I've had "soulmates" who were of the same gender. Ever meet someone who you just instantly clicked with even if it was another woman? I have several times.
So instead of thinking of it in these terms, which make great love songs, fiction novels, and romantic comedies, try re-framing it in a more realistic light, taking all the frilly words out of the equation. Maybe that will help stop the tendency to look back and romanticize the relationship that obviously wasn't meant to be.
Just my humble opinion based on my 41 years of wisdom and experiences. Take what works and leave the rest!
Ok, all that said, break ups just hurt for a while. There is no way around it. But in time, like everything else, this too shall pass. I am sorry you are still hurting.
I think that is the difference. Being able to separate the "love of my life" versus the man I love right now. Being realistic about it. Heck, not even using these terms anymore.
Call me cynical, but I've loved multiple men in my lifetime, and none of them were really the "love of my life". Honestly, the "loves of my life" are myself and my children, and hopefully my grandchildren.
I've had "soulmates" who were of the same gender. Ever meet someone who you just instantly clicked with even if it was another woman? I have several times.
So instead of thinking of it in these terms, which make great love songs, fiction novels, and romantic comedies, try re-framing it in a more realistic light, taking all the frilly words out of the equation. Maybe that will help stop the tendency to look back and romanticize the relationship that obviously wasn't meant to be.
Just my humble opinion based on my 41 years of wisdom and experiences. Take what works and leave the rest!
Ok, all that said, break ups just hurt for a while. There is no way around it. But in time, like everything else, this too shall pass. I am sorry you are still hurting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well thanks wysiwyg, that you found something that resonated. I know it could easily come across as harsh. But my point is - and one of my favorite quotes too - when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change (Wayne Dyer).
Now, Stillhurt, not to pick on you, because I am not, let me fit what I just said into what you have written above.
These are assumptions you are making about this guy. I know you think this, and of course, feel it, but I challenge you to step back with a very objective and rational view and question your own logic.
The reason why I say this is EVERYONE has a good side. Ted Bundy was very good looking and charming. Charles Manson had followers who worshiped him. Just because someone has good qualities doesn't make them suitable relationship material or capable of meeting our needs in the realm of intimacy.
And just because he had good qualities doesn't mean he treated you in a respectful, mature, honest manner.
Drunk or not, he was extremely careless with your feelings on top of being super disrespectful to you and your relationship. Drunk or not, this guy is reckless, thoughtless, and irresponsible.
Be careful putting all the blame in alcohol. It is not this entity outside of your ex's behavior that has super powers to turn upstanding, respectful men of integrity into abusers. Truth is - alcoholics have issues that start BEFORE the addiction becomes a physiological thing. They have issues after they get sober.
I know you are hurting. I get that. But in order to let go and move on and actually enjoy what you have right now, you need to let go of the fantasy you have in your head about being that "special one" to this guy. That kind of thinking is detrimental to your own well being and self confidence. It is a nowhere trip.
You see, you have a lot to offer someone...obviously you are very loyal and loving or you wouldn't be here posting this stuff. Why waste it on someone who isn't around and can't appreciate it and return those same feelings? You only have this one life to live - take all those amazing emotions and give them to a man who deserves it. You deserve that, don't you think? A man who appreciates you and what you offer? Don't we all?
Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change. Best damn advice I think I've ever gotten so far. Try it.
But in my situation, there was never any physical abuse, yes we had our problems and yes I still put up with a lot more than I should have for a lot longer than I should have but in reality...this is a GOOD man who allowed this disease to change him into a not so good man. All of the fighting, insults, etc. were not him talking, but it was the drunkenness talking. I am one of the few people who have been able to see the true him and it is not the 'a**hole' that he often portrayed himself to be.
These are assumptions you are making about this guy. I know you think this, and of course, feel it, but I challenge you to step back with a very objective and rational view and question your own logic.
The reason why I say this is EVERYONE has a good side. Ted Bundy was very good looking and charming. Charles Manson had followers who worshiped him. Just because someone has good qualities doesn't make them suitable relationship material or capable of meeting our needs in the realm of intimacy.
And just because he had good qualities doesn't mean he treated you in a respectful, mature, honest manner.
he had a pretty significant ex-girlfriend in tow on the back of the four wheeler with him and had apparently made the decision to allow her to spend the night.
Be careful putting all the blame in alcohol. It is not this entity outside of your ex's behavior that has super powers to turn upstanding, respectful men of integrity into abusers. Truth is - alcoholics have issues that start BEFORE the addiction becomes a physiological thing. They have issues after they get sober.
I know you are hurting. I get that. But in order to let go and move on and actually enjoy what you have right now, you need to let go of the fantasy you have in your head about being that "special one" to this guy. That kind of thinking is detrimental to your own well being and self confidence. It is a nowhere trip.
You see, you have a lot to offer someone...obviously you are very loyal and loving or you wouldn't be here posting this stuff. Why waste it on someone who isn't around and can't appreciate it and return those same feelings? You only have this one life to live - take all those amazing emotions and give them to a man who deserves it. You deserve that, don't you think? A man who appreciates you and what you offer? Don't we all?
Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change. Best damn advice I think I've ever gotten so far. Try it.
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