Toomutch

I drank last night, 1 and 1/2 glasses of wine. I was fine with that and didn't want anymore. I would like to be able to drink like this and never drink in excess, even though I know this type of drinking never lasts, at least for me anyway.

For some reason I want to try again though... try not to buy vodka to hide in the closet.

Deep down inside I know I will more than likely fail because history repeats itself. So why am I going to try again? I really don't know except for I would like to drink responsibly and am going to give it one more try.

I wasn't sure if I should post this or not but decided I would, I'm sure many of you will be disappointed in me and I apologize for that.

ZoeM

Hi Well done for posting! I always found, over my 4 years of 'trying to moderate', that I could get away with it once, maybe twice, even three times..but then it would leap up and bite me on the a$$ again
PS. Was there any particular reason, that you decided to drink?

huntingtontx

Don't be afraid to come back when you are ready. Everyone will be here to support you. I know I can't drink. I tried moderation more then once, and it did not work for me. Remember we are here for you when you are ready.

lorelei

If moderation is right for you, it will soon become manifest, if it isn't, well, you know where we are xx

Celticgirl

I think most everyone here has felt that way at one point or another. I've tried that, and it's worked for a little while. Unfortunately, I would fall back into my old habits. I have accepted that I can't moderate.

I'm sober 16 days today, and I think I'm still mourning the old me who could have a couple drinks a couple times a week and be fine. That me is long gone, unfortunately, so I need to find a different path. You may discover the same is true with you.

Good luck. If you need to come back, please do. There's lots of support and understanding here.

doggonecarl

Thanks for reminding me that the addiction may disappear, but it never, ever goes away.

Nuway2fly

Hi, Toomutch. I won't lay any "disappointed" label on you, because I've been in your shoes, too. It took me several months to get back on this track after my slip. I had a lot of starts and stops during those months as well, so I can relate. I'm only on day 8 now. I know it's better to be free of the compulsion, but it's not easy to make the big break. Wishing only the best for you, and the light is always on here.

Eleni58

I am not disappointed in you at all--until you are ready and want to be completely alcohol free you need to do what you need to do--it's all about choices--we are not here to judge you

ImperfectlyMe

I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. I never saw the point of trying to moderate! I drank to get drunk plain and simple a glass and a half of wine on a rare occasion wasn't even fun got tired and never saw the point. But that's just me and also why I choose total sobriety.

Our alcoholism convinces us that (as you said) hiding vodka in the closet is perfectly ok. After all if only our alcoholic voice knows our secrets then they aren't really happening right???

hayley86

Hello, i am not disappointed in you. I tried many times to moderate and could do so for a short amount of time. This allowed me to continue living in denial about my alcoholism. Moderation never lasted long for me before i would be back to drinking the same crazy amounts as i ever did. I hope everything works out for you. Lots of support here if you want or need it. Wishing you the best.

Received

I guess I would have to consider myself lucky in that, much like ImperfectlyMe, I was either all in or all out. There was never, from my first drink, any gray area called moderation. If I couldn't drink to get pass out drunk I just didn't drink.

So, let's just say, I spent a lot of time alone where I could drink myself into oblivion without anyone or anything getting in my way.

Of course, there was always a chance I'd get a pesky knock on my door from the apartment maintenance people or a neighbor, and of course I had to sneak my beer cans to the dumpster at ungodly hours, making sure the cans were smashed, wrapped into about five bags and sprayed with febreeze, hoping they didn't clank too much as I threw them out.

My beast was a beastly beast. Even with 13 years of not drinking my beast was the grizzly bear of all beast. So I drank. After 13 years without a drink I drank for 5 years. Until I made a plan. A most excellent plan. A plan I learned about here. I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.

So I'm all out. Done. Over. Kaput.

You'll find your way, Toomutch. I just hope it doesn't take you as long as it did me. 5 years drinking after 13 years not drinking was awful.

Lightning Bug

If you think you are going to fail, you will. When that happens, you have a ready made excuse and you will think "I knew that would happen."

Negative thinking will get you nowhere.

dwtbd

One of the main ideas that helped me to quit was understanding that being drunk is pleasurable, extremely pleasurable. So pleasurable in fact , at some point everything else I did or was doing that was not going to attain that pleasure was in the way. Moderate drinking was not going to do it, that was just in the way too. If it wasn't as pleasurable there would be no reason to quit, no need to moderate. I wouldn't have wanted it , but I did and now I realize why I can't.
wish you well

ScottFromWI

It's certainly your choice Too, and we won't judge you because many of us have done exactly what you are doing now, multiple times.

I would ask you to consider though, that relapses can be progressively worse. You probably already know that, but sometimes we forget when we are sober for a while and feeling good. Is it really worth it to you to risk what might be come the "last" relapse just to see if you can somehow moderate? There's a chance that this time you might lose everything and never have another chance to get sober. Is that a gamble you are really willing to take - betting everything on a whim?

KristyCat

I'm really glad that you are still here on SR and being honest with that. I've noticed a lot of people will just abandon the forum when they decide they're going to drink, I guess they are worried we'll judge them, or tell them what they don't want to hear. This makes little sense because they are cutting off a big support system, whether they are sober or not.

But almost all of us have been in your shoes at that point, hoping to moderate, and we're not here to judge or lecture you...just offer support, advice, our own experiences, and what worked for us.

In reading this, I realized that I never tried to "moderate". Moderation for me was having 8 beers instead of 15 shots To me, it's like WHY give your brain that tease? It's torture!! It's like being starving and then giving yourself a plate of spaghetti and you're only allowed to have one bite! I found it impossible and totally pointless. I was way more comfortable just not going there at all. Why torture the brain like that. Finding sober things that make you happy instead of igniting the addiction and playing with fire is much easier and less painful to me.

Carlotta

Hi

You might not be ready but you do realize that when you drink you are physically abusive and that you might lose your boyfriend right?
I don't think that a male alcoholic who just posted that he slaps his girlfriend around when drunk would get the same kind of feedback if he stated that he is not ready to quit.

EndGameNYC

It's like returning to an abusive spouse or lover. "This time will be different." "This time he'll really love me." "This time he'll change for me." "This time, I'll leave before things get out of control." "This time, I'll take better care of myself." "This time, he'll only beat me up five days instead of seven." "This time, I won't keep it a secret. Being honest about it makes it better. Right?"

This type of clinging behavior is the result of an intermittent schedule of reinforcement, first observed in animal studies, and endemic to abusive relationships of all kinds. The pigeon continues to hit the lever that dispenses food pills, despite only delivering one out of say a hundred times. The one or two times that we actually get what we want overshadow all the pain, abuse and suffering we bring upon ourselves, and which has become the norm. So we stay attached, always hoping for that brief moment of relief or pleasure, only to further damage ourselves the rest of the time, right up until the moment when there is virtually nothing left of us to feel relief.

While you're distracting yourself with moderating, your life is passing you by. If this were anything less than a life-and-death struggle, I'd have no need to be so serious about it.

jkb

Back when I tried AA my sponsor told me "your just not ready" and you know what... she was right. And until I was ready nothing was keeping me sober. NOTHING.

Be safe and be nice to the man in your life. No-one should suffer for our decisions except us....

Best of luck with the moderation,
Jess

johnatahn1

how is it possible to get to an aa meeting

EndGameNYC

My thinking is that if I wait until I'm ready, regardless of what life changes I'm struggling with, I am, at minimum, wasting precious time. In the worst case, I'm doing further and unnecessary damage, perhaps permanent damage, to myself. This has been my experience.