Wavy

I have been broken up with XABF for getting on for three weeks now. My Dad knew we split up because he was there when it happened and he spread the news to his mother and from their to my uncles etc. That was fine with me.

It took me a little longer to tell my Mum. She is an alcoholic and I felt uncomfortable talking to her about it all. She is very self centred and when I told her in the past that XABF and I we having problems she was very insensitive and kept asking about when we were getting married even tho I'd asked her not to bring that up again, I would be sure to let her know if that was happening! She said things like "Oh so what about me looking for mother of the brides outfits?". It was all about her. My cousin recently got married and I think she was jealous of her sister (my Aunt) for having all the fuss about my cousin's wedding. So I wasn't really feeling like talking to her.

It was about two weeks after the break up that I saw her and told her we'd broken up, keeping the details to a minimum and letting her know that it was amicable. Her response was that us breaking up was inevitable! Whaaat?? One minute you are itching for us to get married the next a break up was inevitable even tho you knew none of the details?! Anyway at least then she knew and it was out the way.

XABF is not all that close with his family and they are a family where sometimes people don't tell each other important stuff they should know, such as if a relative is dying sometimes they have to find out from the grapevine, rather than via family, which doesn't seem very pleasant to me, but then its not my family. He saw his sister the week after we broke up and didn't mention anything to her about us being broken up, even tho she asked about me. He said he just couldn't bring himself to. He has made no attempts and has no desire to let his family know what's happened, he says he just doesn't want to talk about it.

I have been respecting his wish to not tell his family, thinking it was his place, not mine to tell his family. But I have been finding it hard because I am probably closer with his family than he is and am friends with them all on facebook, so I had to be careful about what I posted and couldn't make any mention of my new life in case it let on that we had broken up. I really didn't like having to hide myself like that. His Mum had been calling me and I'd been avoiding her calls because I felt uncomfortable talking to her with her not knowing and I didn't want to pretend or lie.

Last weekend I unexpectedly ran into his Mum when I was back visiting a friend in our hometown. She seemed very concerned about me and unusually gave me a hug. She said could she call me later in the week for a chat and I said yes, because I do want to be able to talk to her. I thought maybe XABF had got round to saying something, but when I asked him after he said he hadn't.

So she called as promised later in the week and I answered this time because I'd said I would speak to her. Again she seemed very concerned about me and eventually asked me outright if XABF and I had broken up. I wasn't going to lie to her, for myown sake and hers, so I said yes. She asked if it was his fault (assuming it was - she knows what he's like) and I just said it was my decision to break up, that XABF didn't want to break up, but that he was accepting the situation. I didn't want to get into the blame game or bad mouth him to his Mum. She was extremely sweet about it all and said I was like a daughter to them and would always be part of them, to please stay in touch, drop in for a cuppa when I was in the area, let them know when I graduated and when I felt comfortable to let knew know a contact address. I told her I loved them all and was so glad to not be losing them because of the situation with XABF. I was so touched I couldn't help the floods of tears and I cried the rest of the evening. I'm not really sure why it upset me so much, maybe a mix gratitude and relief.

So that was really positive from my point of view and I'm glad she (and by extension the rest of his family) knows now and glad I can still keep in touch with them. But I feel SO guilty for telling his Mum, when he should have been the one to tell his family and like I haven't respected his wishes. I needed time to be able to tell my Mum and so I understand him not being able to right away.

Part of me feels that I was doing what was right for me and that its not my place to cover up for him, I should be able to talk to people I love freely, without feeling bad for exposing him, and that I should not have to hide part of my life from the people I love. But I also feel compassion for the pain he is going through and like I haven't shown proper respect for that. I'm all a bit mixed up over whether is was the right thing to do or not.

I haven't told him that I told her yet because I feel so guilty and yes also because I am worried about his reaction and him telling me I shouldn't have done that and confirming my worst fears - that I'm selfish and thoughtless and heartless. Even before we broke up he avoided calls from his Mum, so he's not likely to find out she knows soon, although his sister did post on facebook that she's heard some sad news that day and I can't help but wonder if that was about us. Its possible he won't care - and yes I know its not up to me how he reacts! But feeling very guilty.

Did I do the right thing? Should I tell him I told her or let him find out naturally? How can I get a handle on this guilt?

Hammer

Sounds like you handled pretty well.

Wish I had such grace and intuitively good sense and manners.

Dunno on the guilt. But emotionally I am sort ********. From the crying after talking with her, it almost sounds like grief. Like something/someone died. Dunno.

I know you feel bad, so I do not want to harp on you -- but (to me) it looks like you are doing things as well as anyone could in this situation.

firebolt

You did what you felt was right! You didn't lie, and you did what he should have done long ago....you are anything BUT selfish or heartless....annnd, you don't need to worry about whether your decisions will upset him anymore. Nice work - you're doing just fine!

jaynie04

I am sure his family is upset, because you sound like a sweetheart. You were caught in a very difficult situation, and I think lying to his mother's face would have felt terrible after the fact. I think you went above and beyond to respect his wishes, but I think you were wise to drawn the line when it came to compromising your own values.

His issues with his family are his issues. You sound like you are extremely compassionate even in the face of difficult situations. I think you should treat yourself as kindly as you treat others!

Wavy

Thank you so much for the reassurances. I wish I didn't need the validation from other people that I did the right thing, but I sure am grateful to get it! I am feeling less guilty now and more at peace with how I handled it, as more people reassure me, both here and IRL. I still don't know if I should tell him I told her, but am leaning towards not telling him and letting him find out however he will, since I don't really owe him anything any more and have no responsibility to tell him the contents of any conversations I have. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, or if I'm just trying to avoid the possibility of any confrontation or displeasure from him by not having to tell him (again me projecting, there may not be any!).

Sueski

YOur relationship with her isn't really his business, is it? And you have just as much right to discuss major events in your own life as he has to be secretive about his. I think that as long as you are being respectful of him as a human being, you have no further obligation to him. Take care!