Recovering Alcoholic b/f broke up with me after 3 years together
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 14
Recovering Alcoholic b/f broke up with me after 3 years together
Hello, I am so glad I found this forum. My recovering alcoholic boyfriend just called it off with me after 3 years. I do not have alcoholism in my family so I know less about the disease than perhaps I should. But I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences with what I am going to share? if they think he might be a dry drunk? and if there is any hope for us to reconcile (not sure that I even want it)? And whether I did anything wrong?
I met the ex 3 years ago and our courtship for the first few months was like a fairy tale. He was 35 at the time, so attentive, seemed to truly want to be with me, seemed mature and successful, emotionally available, communicative, sensual, kind, etc. I was floored about how woderful and easy it was. He was drinking at the time, but told me that his mom was a recovering alcoholic who is now addicted to prescription meds, and his brother had 3 DUIs in the past.
About 2.5 months into our relationship, he quit his job without another one lined up. He said the company was "shady" - he told me that he was fine money-wise becuase he had $30k in the banks and over $100k in his 401k (I found out later that he drained his 401k before he moved to Cal. so that he could take some time off). That all turned out to be a lie. He was sued by his formed company becuase per the terms of his employment agreement, he had to pay pack certain bonuses/relocation costs if he quit within 1 year, which he did. I supported him through all of this and he eventually moved in with me. I have a very good career and was so in love with him that I didnt even see this as a redflag. I trusted him. After he quit his job, he asked me not to tell my parents becaue he was embarrassed. We then went to vist his parents on the east coast and he told me not to say anything to them. I was amazed at how easily he lied to them (to their face) about how work was going etc, but for some reason didn't think he'd lie to me.
He finally got a job 3 months later, but had been spending money like he was still employed. I didn't think anything of it becuase he had told me he had a fair amount of money in the bank.
From the time he quit his job on, he was still loving and doting and told me that I was the most important thing to him and that he wanted to marry me and that I was his soul mate, etc., but I noticed our affection level decrased, we cuddled less, were intimate less often, stayed in more, stopped going out on dates, etc. I thought we were just falling into a groove and that the "honeymoon" stage was over... I also started noticing him "wiggle" a bit when I confronted him about being late on rent (my checkbook is at work, in the car, I'm tired - I'll pay you later, etc.) We got in some fights about this, but I thought maybe he was just being an irresponsible man but nothing unusual. He was still loving and wonderful. In fact, we went to visit his folks during the summer and he announced that he was going to marry me and that I was the woman of his dreams.
In November 2011, i randomly checked one of my credit card statements and found $300 in charges on it. The charges were from a bar my ex went to watch football at and from NY during a period of time when my ex was in NY on a business trip. I called my ex and confronted him. He said it wasn't him. He then came home, handed me $300 in cash and told me he was an alcoholic. I couldn't believe he stole my credit card, but was very contrite. He told me that he had ruined his finances, had hit rock bottom and was going to get sober and attend AA.
He attended AA 3x a week for the past 1.75 years. he got a sponsor and told me that he had worked and completed the steps. He threw out AA rhetoric whenever he could. I had no reason to believe he wasn't going to meetings or involved. The problem is, that the lying didn't stop. He ended up losing his job again about 90 days into his sobriety. He had money from a tax refund and a severance, plus unemployment, plus living with me and could have easily made that money stretch to a year, but he had exhausted all of the money within 6 months. I had a jar with some cash in it that we were going to use to celebrate out second anniversary, and he took half of the money in it one day. When I asked him about it, he said he didnt take it, then said it was in the car, then finally admitted that he used it to buy us lunch one day. I dind't care that he used it, but was upset he lied. More recently, i found out (through a call from a bill collector) that the ex hadn't paid his debt management plan in 6 months. When I asked the ex about it, he said that he turned it off for one month because there was a gap between his last unemployment check and his first paycheck. He said the debt management company forgot to turn it back on and it fell through the cracks. He told me he didn't even nnotice that the debt management payment was not going out of his account each month. I asked if he still had that money and he said no. I have no idea what he spent it on.
Our sex life became abysmal (he said he didn't ahve any confidence), we stayed home all the time except when I asked him out, we did separate things and spent very little time together unless we were going to a friend or family event. In public, we put on a great show of how happy and connected we were. But at home, I felt completely disconnected and like the lowest priority. There was always something more important that he told me he had to work on - his sobriety, getting a job, paying off debt, fixing his relationships with his mom/brother/dad/etc... I was told to "be patient". When I caught him in a lie and asked him why he lied, he'd say "I don't have an answer. I don't know."
After he had been employed for about 6 months and seemed to be doing well, and had been sober for over a year, we started talking about getting married. I wanted to now be a priority. I had waited and supported himwhile so many others in his family were not there for him. He told me over and over that I was his soul mate and that he was sorry he "put me through hell" and that everything he was doing and working on was for me and our relationship. However, even though he was saying all of this, there was something I didn't believe. He didn't seem excited to want to get married, we were still disconnected, etc. But I wanted to get married REALLY bad - I thought it would reconnect us.
As time went on I got more nervous and anxious and clingy. He got really, rellay frustrated with me and my need for constant reassurance that he was going to propose. He told me that I have a void in me that he can't fill and that he can't make me happy. I started doing more things on my own and reconnecting with my friends, but I still wanted a connected relationship with him. I eventually had a huge panic attack while we were visiting his parents. He told me that I have issues, that he has serious uncertainties about our future together becuase he does not know if I can ever be happy.
I started therapy right after we got home to deal with my anxiety. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my brothers death in a freak accident when I was 5. I have always suffered from abandonment issues and separation anxiety as a result. I have done talk therapy for these issues in the past, but they didn't work. I had a therapist recommend I try EMDR, which has been amazing for these issues. My ex and I also did 3 couples therapy session before he broke it off with me.
During the 6 weeks between my panic attack and the break up, I grew so much stronger, but my ex grew more and more disconnected. he would do enough, like text me "love u" each day and call me when he was traveling for work, that I couldn't complaint without sounding crazy, but he did not connect with me at all. There was no substance to our relationship and he was just going through the motions.
He was also out of town for work 3 of those 6 weeks and so he didn't even see how much stronger I had grown, or how much I was trying to work on the relationship. When he got back in town, we went to couple therapy and he held my hand and told the therapist we were doing great and that he was so thankful that I was in his life. I was surprised because we had been so disconnected. He then got very defensive and said that I was too needy by wanting to connect more with him and said again that he can't fill my void. The therapist said that I wasn't looking for him to fill a void, but simply wanted a connected partnership. He said that I was vulnerable from my anxiety, but doing really good work (with the same therapist) and asked my ex what is the big deal of having to reassure me more during my down period. My ex agreed. After therapy we went to a nice dinner and talked about an upcoming trip to hawaii. I went out of town the next day for a bachelorette party and my ex texted me the whole weekend - "hope you're having a great time." "Love u" etc.
When I got home on Sunday, my ex helped me with my bags, gave me a hug and said we need to talk. He told me that it wasn't working, that he had moved out already, left a check with the amount of money he owed me (I bailed him out of some of his debt), left the keys to the house and was breaking up with me. He told my that our counseling session showed him that he can never reassure me enough for me to be happy and that my need for reassurance is not normal. He also said, though, that he started looking for a new place the two days before our counseling session. He said that my issues (anxiety) were monopolizing the relationship and that he couldn't focus on his recovery while worrying about my issues. I was shocked! I stood by him while HIS issues monolpolized the relationship! Also, I was his rock during that time. i was stable, supportive, etc. so I couldn't believe that he belived that I would never ben happy or content again after having a few bad months when I wasn't at my best would take over the times when I was strong and confident.
He left after that and I haven't heard from him since (10 days ago). I have not contacted him at all. I am so confused. I am wondering how someone could be so deceptive. I wonder if he is even sober, or if he is a "dry drunk". Problem is that I still love him and miss the good times. When it was good, it was REALLY good. He made me feel so incredible and loved and like we were soul mates... Was this all a lie? Is there any hope for him? for us? Is this normal alcoholic/dry drunk behavior? Or is this something deeper? My therapist says that he has A LOT of work to do before he can be in a healthy relationship. He also said that my ex lacks integrity and that I deserve someone who will be there through the thick and thin and my ex ran at the first sign of me needing him. I agree with him, but perhaps haven't lost hope that my ex can be better. Is that my own sick, co-dependent thinking? Will he come back?
I know this is REALLY long, so thank you for reading. And thank you for any insight, wisdom, experience, advice, words of support, etc.
I met the ex 3 years ago and our courtship for the first few months was like a fairy tale. He was 35 at the time, so attentive, seemed to truly want to be with me, seemed mature and successful, emotionally available, communicative, sensual, kind, etc. I was floored about how woderful and easy it was. He was drinking at the time, but told me that his mom was a recovering alcoholic who is now addicted to prescription meds, and his brother had 3 DUIs in the past.
About 2.5 months into our relationship, he quit his job without another one lined up. He said the company was "shady" - he told me that he was fine money-wise becuase he had $30k in the banks and over $100k in his 401k (I found out later that he drained his 401k before he moved to Cal. so that he could take some time off). That all turned out to be a lie. He was sued by his formed company becuase per the terms of his employment agreement, he had to pay pack certain bonuses/relocation costs if he quit within 1 year, which he did. I supported him through all of this and he eventually moved in with me. I have a very good career and was so in love with him that I didnt even see this as a redflag. I trusted him. After he quit his job, he asked me not to tell my parents becaue he was embarrassed. We then went to vist his parents on the east coast and he told me not to say anything to them. I was amazed at how easily he lied to them (to their face) about how work was going etc, but for some reason didn't think he'd lie to me.
He finally got a job 3 months later, but had been spending money like he was still employed. I didn't think anything of it becuase he had told me he had a fair amount of money in the bank.
From the time he quit his job on, he was still loving and doting and told me that I was the most important thing to him and that he wanted to marry me and that I was his soul mate, etc., but I noticed our affection level decrased, we cuddled less, were intimate less often, stayed in more, stopped going out on dates, etc. I thought we were just falling into a groove and that the "honeymoon" stage was over... I also started noticing him "wiggle" a bit when I confronted him about being late on rent (my checkbook is at work, in the car, I'm tired - I'll pay you later, etc.) We got in some fights about this, but I thought maybe he was just being an irresponsible man but nothing unusual. He was still loving and wonderful. In fact, we went to visit his folks during the summer and he announced that he was going to marry me and that I was the woman of his dreams.
In November 2011, i randomly checked one of my credit card statements and found $300 in charges on it. The charges were from a bar my ex went to watch football at and from NY during a period of time when my ex was in NY on a business trip. I called my ex and confronted him. He said it wasn't him. He then came home, handed me $300 in cash and told me he was an alcoholic. I couldn't believe he stole my credit card, but was very contrite. He told me that he had ruined his finances, had hit rock bottom and was going to get sober and attend AA.
He attended AA 3x a week for the past 1.75 years. he got a sponsor and told me that he had worked and completed the steps. He threw out AA rhetoric whenever he could. I had no reason to believe he wasn't going to meetings or involved. The problem is, that the lying didn't stop. He ended up losing his job again about 90 days into his sobriety. He had money from a tax refund and a severance, plus unemployment, plus living with me and could have easily made that money stretch to a year, but he had exhausted all of the money within 6 months. I had a jar with some cash in it that we were going to use to celebrate out second anniversary, and he took half of the money in it one day. When I asked him about it, he said he didnt take it, then said it was in the car, then finally admitted that he used it to buy us lunch one day. I dind't care that he used it, but was upset he lied. More recently, i found out (through a call from a bill collector) that the ex hadn't paid his debt management plan in 6 months. When I asked the ex about it, he said that he turned it off for one month because there was a gap between his last unemployment check and his first paycheck. He said the debt management company forgot to turn it back on and it fell through the cracks. He told me he didn't even nnotice that the debt management payment was not going out of his account each month. I asked if he still had that money and he said no. I have no idea what he spent it on.
Our sex life became abysmal (he said he didn't ahve any confidence), we stayed home all the time except when I asked him out, we did separate things and spent very little time together unless we were going to a friend or family event. In public, we put on a great show of how happy and connected we were. But at home, I felt completely disconnected and like the lowest priority. There was always something more important that he told me he had to work on - his sobriety, getting a job, paying off debt, fixing his relationships with his mom/brother/dad/etc... I was told to "be patient". When I caught him in a lie and asked him why he lied, he'd say "I don't have an answer. I don't know."
After he had been employed for about 6 months and seemed to be doing well, and had been sober for over a year, we started talking about getting married. I wanted to now be a priority. I had waited and supported himwhile so many others in his family were not there for him. He told me over and over that I was his soul mate and that he was sorry he "put me through hell" and that everything he was doing and working on was for me and our relationship. However, even though he was saying all of this, there was something I didn't believe. He didn't seem excited to want to get married, we were still disconnected, etc. But I wanted to get married REALLY bad - I thought it would reconnect us.
As time went on I got more nervous and anxious and clingy. He got really, rellay frustrated with me and my need for constant reassurance that he was going to propose. He told me that I have a void in me that he can't fill and that he can't make me happy. I started doing more things on my own and reconnecting with my friends, but I still wanted a connected relationship with him. I eventually had a huge panic attack while we were visiting his parents. He told me that I have issues, that he has serious uncertainties about our future together becuase he does not know if I can ever be happy.
I started therapy right after we got home to deal with my anxiety. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my brothers death in a freak accident when I was 5. I have always suffered from abandonment issues and separation anxiety as a result. I have done talk therapy for these issues in the past, but they didn't work. I had a therapist recommend I try EMDR, which has been amazing for these issues. My ex and I also did 3 couples therapy session before he broke it off with me.
During the 6 weeks between my panic attack and the break up, I grew so much stronger, but my ex grew more and more disconnected. he would do enough, like text me "love u" each day and call me when he was traveling for work, that I couldn't complaint without sounding crazy, but he did not connect with me at all. There was no substance to our relationship and he was just going through the motions.
He was also out of town for work 3 of those 6 weeks and so he didn't even see how much stronger I had grown, or how much I was trying to work on the relationship. When he got back in town, we went to couple therapy and he held my hand and told the therapist we were doing great and that he was so thankful that I was in his life. I was surprised because we had been so disconnected. He then got very defensive and said that I was too needy by wanting to connect more with him and said again that he can't fill my void. The therapist said that I wasn't looking for him to fill a void, but simply wanted a connected partnership. He said that I was vulnerable from my anxiety, but doing really good work (with the same therapist) and asked my ex what is the big deal of having to reassure me more during my down period. My ex agreed. After therapy we went to a nice dinner and talked about an upcoming trip to hawaii. I went out of town the next day for a bachelorette party and my ex texted me the whole weekend - "hope you're having a great time." "Love u" etc.
When I got home on Sunday, my ex helped me with my bags, gave me a hug and said we need to talk. He told me that it wasn't working, that he had moved out already, left a check with the amount of money he owed me (I bailed him out of some of his debt), left the keys to the house and was breaking up with me. He told my that our counseling session showed him that he can never reassure me enough for me to be happy and that my need for reassurance is not normal. He also said, though, that he started looking for a new place the two days before our counseling session. He said that my issues (anxiety) were monopolizing the relationship and that he couldn't focus on his recovery while worrying about my issues. I was shocked! I stood by him while HIS issues monolpolized the relationship! Also, I was his rock during that time. i was stable, supportive, etc. so I couldn't believe that he belived that I would never ben happy or content again after having a few bad months when I wasn't at my best would take over the times when I was strong and confident.
He left after that and I haven't heard from him since (10 days ago). I have not contacted him at all. I am so confused. I am wondering how someone could be so deceptive. I wonder if he is even sober, or if he is a "dry drunk". Problem is that I still love him and miss the good times. When it was good, it was REALLY good. He made me feel so incredible and loved and like we were soul mates... Was this all a lie? Is there any hope for him? for us? Is this normal alcoholic/dry drunk behavior? Or is this something deeper? My therapist says that he has A LOT of work to do before he can be in a healthy relationship. He also said that my ex lacks integrity and that I deserve someone who will be there through the thick and thin and my ex ran at the first sign of me needing him. I agree with him, but perhaps haven't lost hope that my ex can be better. Is that my own sick, co-dependent thinking? Will he come back?
I know this is REALLY long, so thank you for reading. And thank you for any insight, wisdom, experience, advice, words of support, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, and I hope that being with the forum helps ease some of the loneliness you must be feeling now.
As I read, I could sense what was coming: that he was going to manipulate things like a master and in a brilliant fashion, like a magician, make it appear that you were the problem, have been the problem, will always be the problem and that is why he must sadly and with regret walk away.
Oh how it pains me to see this happening to partners of alcoholics and drug addicts again and again and again. It is so common, and so effective.
I'm sure you do feel some post-traumatic stress after the sudden death of your brother many years ago and would quite naturally feel a need for consistency and trust in your most intimate life and relationships. People who have been traumatized by sudden and shocking events which turn their lives upside down do need their home life and their relationships to be safe and secure. That is essential to their healing.
This need is not and was never pathological and in my opinion is in no way the root of the break-up. It is vital that you understand that his deflection of blame from his lying, stealing, drinking (I think probably also drugging....it's quite possible opiates have been moving him right along through that so called sobriety, hence the outlay of cash), and all in all living the life of a master con artist....deflecting the real cause of why your relationship will NEVER work by telling you that you have issues and it is because you are, unfortunately, he is sorry to report, an unacceptable partner is PURE ADDICT JUNK.
In time the fog will lift, I promise you, and you will see this with a severe clarity. And never berate yourself for not seeing it before or even now, because it is a SPELL and is it is a DARK SPELL. In your innocence....because this kind of behavior is unimaginable to you....you could not see it because it was not anything you could recognize or comprehend.
Anyone who has lived a life has had a time of crisis which has left him or her with a wound. Yours is the death of your brother. It is part of you. And the healing of that loss will be with you throughout your life and that does not mean you are damaged. Only that you lost someone very dear, and the shock is still in your body. The EMDR helps with that lingering shock, is my understanding. I'm glad that therapy is helping you.
It is normal to hope the alcoholic will return a changed person. It is to be expected, that longing, because nostalgia for the good days with him will prevail in your thoughts and those days are what you hope will return. The Light without the Shadow.
But he has a powerful Shadow side, it is dangerous, and it is firmly in control, in my opinion.
Change takes an enormous personal effort and a long time. You may be hoping he will walk in, sad, lonely, wanting change, asking if you will accompany him on a journey together toward change.
Because a lot of alcoholics who hit the cold light of day after they've lost an important enabler do just that.
If you know it is a pattern, perhaps you can ready yourself for it, and not be seduced by his manipulations. He will be very good at getting what he wants from you, unless you are clear-eyed. And personally I think that being realistic will be quite difficult for you right now, because when we are hurting, our very human nature is to long for things to go back to the way they were, even if it was a nightmare.
Stick with that very good counselor. If the alcoholic con artist shows up again--I could make a bet that will happen within 6 months--call your counselor and FIRST have a counseling session before you have even one conversation with the con artist.
It could make all the difference in what happens next.
As I read, I could sense what was coming: that he was going to manipulate things like a master and in a brilliant fashion, like a magician, make it appear that you were the problem, have been the problem, will always be the problem and that is why he must sadly and with regret walk away.
Oh how it pains me to see this happening to partners of alcoholics and drug addicts again and again and again. It is so common, and so effective.
I'm sure you do feel some post-traumatic stress after the sudden death of your brother many years ago and would quite naturally feel a need for consistency and trust in your most intimate life and relationships. People who have been traumatized by sudden and shocking events which turn their lives upside down do need their home life and their relationships to be safe and secure. That is essential to their healing.
This need is not and was never pathological and in my opinion is in no way the root of the break-up. It is vital that you understand that his deflection of blame from his lying, stealing, drinking (I think probably also drugging....it's quite possible opiates have been moving him right along through that so called sobriety, hence the outlay of cash), and all in all living the life of a master con artist....deflecting the real cause of why your relationship will NEVER work by telling you that you have issues and it is because you are, unfortunately, he is sorry to report, an unacceptable partner is PURE ADDICT JUNK.
In time the fog will lift, I promise you, and you will see this with a severe clarity. And never berate yourself for not seeing it before or even now, because it is a SPELL and is it is a DARK SPELL. In your innocence....because this kind of behavior is unimaginable to you....you could not see it because it was not anything you could recognize or comprehend.
Anyone who has lived a life has had a time of crisis which has left him or her with a wound. Yours is the death of your brother. It is part of you. And the healing of that loss will be with you throughout your life and that does not mean you are damaged. Only that you lost someone very dear, and the shock is still in your body. The EMDR helps with that lingering shock, is my understanding. I'm glad that therapy is helping you.
It is normal to hope the alcoholic will return a changed person. It is to be expected, that longing, because nostalgia for the good days with him will prevail in your thoughts and those days are what you hope will return. The Light without the Shadow.
But he has a powerful Shadow side, it is dangerous, and it is firmly in control, in my opinion.
Change takes an enormous personal effort and a long time. You may be hoping he will walk in, sad, lonely, wanting change, asking if you will accompany him on a journey together toward change.
Because a lot of alcoholics who hit the cold light of day after they've lost an important enabler do just that.
If you know it is a pattern, perhaps you can ready yourself for it, and not be seduced by his manipulations. He will be very good at getting what he wants from you, unless you are clear-eyed. And personally I think that being realistic will be quite difficult for you right now, because when we are hurting, our very human nature is to long for things to go back to the way they were, even if it was a nightmare.
Stick with that very good counselor. If the alcoholic con artist shows up again--I could make a bet that will happen within 6 months--call your counselor and FIRST have a counseling session before you have even one conversation with the con artist.
It could make all the difference in what happens next.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Maybe he has borderline personality disorder? Maybe he has narcissistic personality disorder? I'm not a doctor so I really don't know. I think maybe you have been given a great gift. I would think about all the things you love in life and start pursuing your dreams. Pray that the right doors will open for you and the wrong door will close.
It isn't ever OK to lie to someone you love. Someone you are in an intimate relationship with. I'm sorry this happened to you.
It isn't ever OK to lie to someone you love. Someone you are in an intimate relationship with. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
It's very easy to see people as we want them to be and not as they truly are. I don't think he's going to get any better. The lying, the financial irresponsibility, the lack of a solid job, all of those things are just how he is.
Considering he was lying to you and distant in the relationship, I think it would be natural for you to want a little reassurance.
To be honest, your ex sounds like a lying jerk.
I know how hard it is when you remember the good side of somebody and really want to be with that person, but then there is another side that isn't so good at all. It's confusing and can be hard to remember that both sides combine to make the person. You can't just have the good side without the bad side. And frankly, if you have to put up with the bad side it's just not worth it.
I know it's easy just to remember the good times, but really ask yourself, Do you want to be with a man that lies to you? Do you want to be with somebody that would steal your credit card? Do you want to be with somebody that would leave you in the manner he did after you stuck by him through so much? Do you want to be with a man who doesn't hold down a job and take care of his finances?
Break-ups always really hurt. Try to take care of yourself and try to engage in activities to make yourself feel better, even if it's just a little better: go for a walk, call a friend, make a cup of tea or drink a glass of milk, watch a funny movie.
You sound like a very strong person, remember that you'll be fine no matter what.
Considering he was lying to you and distant in the relationship, I think it would be natural for you to want a little reassurance.
To be honest, your ex sounds like a lying jerk.
I know how hard it is when you remember the good side of somebody and really want to be with that person, but then there is another side that isn't so good at all. It's confusing and can be hard to remember that both sides combine to make the person. You can't just have the good side without the bad side. And frankly, if you have to put up with the bad side it's just not worth it.
I know it's easy just to remember the good times, but really ask yourself, Do you want to be with a man that lies to you? Do you want to be with somebody that would steal your credit card? Do you want to be with somebody that would leave you in the manner he did after you stuck by him through so much? Do you want to be with a man who doesn't hold down a job and take care of his finances?
Break-ups always really hurt. Try to take care of yourself and try to engage in activities to make yourself feel better, even if it's just a little better: go for a walk, call a friend, make a cup of tea or drink a glass of milk, watch a funny movie.
You sound like a very strong person, remember that you'll be fine no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
I'm sorry this happened to you. Please read the many stories here on this forum. Doing so will help you realize (and remember) that this did not happen because of you, and it is a definite pattern amongst alcoholics. You can see the pattern clearly, retold in countless stories here on SR. It's like the same story re-told over and over, with slight variations, but nonetheless very painful. Understanding this has helped me in healing from my own XABF. It does take time. It's now been two months since my ex abandoned me, and I've been seeing things much more clearly. I see his manipulations, denial, deflection, and illness clear as day now. With time you will feel more peace.
When I started dating my XABF, I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know he was an alcoholic, and since he wasn't actively drinking, I thought things would be ok (I knew nothing about alcoholism). Then after he dumped me cruelly and abruptly, he came back almost 5 months later saying he'd "changed." We started dating again, and after 3 wonderful sober weeks, he began drinking and treating me horribly, ditching me and spitting his words at me as if he despised me, when just a week earlier he thought we were "perfect for each other." Then, he vanished, and I believe he blames me, just as your XABF blames you. This is also a pattern. It is hard to understand how someone you care about can turn on you so quickly...It's been 2 months and I still don't understand.
Reading all you can about alcoholism will help you a great deal. It has helped me remove the blame I put on myself for things not working out. Also, I agree with English Garden that you should be ready if he were to return to you with promises of 'change.' I believed it once, and played along because I listened more to my ex's words rather than his actions. Beware of this, too.
From my own experience, I've learned, more than anything else, to listen to my own instincts. My ex made excuses, turned things around, made me out to be "naive," etc. When really, I was putting up with treatment/behavior that no healthy person would have. My instincts were telling me to RUN, but my heart wanted to believe he wanted to change. Right when I was about to run, he vanished. It still hurts, but I see now that he did do me a favor.
When I started dating my XABF, I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn't know he was an alcoholic, and since he wasn't actively drinking, I thought things would be ok (I knew nothing about alcoholism). Then after he dumped me cruelly and abruptly, he came back almost 5 months later saying he'd "changed." We started dating again, and after 3 wonderful sober weeks, he began drinking and treating me horribly, ditching me and spitting his words at me as if he despised me, when just a week earlier he thought we were "perfect for each other." Then, he vanished, and I believe he blames me, just as your XABF blames you. This is also a pattern. It is hard to understand how someone you care about can turn on you so quickly...It's been 2 months and I still don't understand.
Reading all you can about alcoholism will help you a great deal. It has helped me remove the blame I put on myself for things not working out. Also, I agree with English Garden that you should be ready if he were to return to you with promises of 'change.' I believed it once, and played along because I listened more to my ex's words rather than his actions. Beware of this, too.
From my own experience, I've learned, more than anything else, to listen to my own instincts. My ex made excuses, turned things around, made me out to be "naive," etc. When really, I was putting up with treatment/behavior that no healthy person would have. My instincts were telling me to RUN, but my heart wanted to believe he wanted to change. Right when I was about to run, he vanished. It still hurts, but I see now that he did do me a favor.
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Hope4happiness...If you stick around here you will hear this story over and over. Yours is very similar to my story. In my case I didn't know my Ex-AB was an alcoholic until I broke it off with him, for lies, for misdirected anger, negativity, refusing treatment for "depression", and other random health issues, which of course turned out to be due to pounding back vodka nightly. We did not live together and I had zero concept of the deceit, inward and outward, an active alcoholic is capable of. After I broke it off, he came out of the closet as an Alcoholic and like yours, attended 3 to 5 AA meetings a week. I felt hope for him, love for him, and wanted him to succeed. Because I received the advice, in no uncertain terms from various professionals, I maintained a distant but supportive role. He spent the entire last year trying to "win" me back, which didn't make any sense because I was trying to let him have his space, do his program; live the so called "selfish" life a newly recovering alcoholic needs. All during this time; he repeatedly proclaimed we would get back together; we never stopped loving each other and we were going to "beat the odds". Two months ago we had a beginnings of a reconciliation. We renewed our sexual intimacy, we talked about finally going to couples counseling and going slow and being very careful with each other's hearts. And then...he was gone. After a average normal day together he went home, everything seemingly normal and then it took me 4 or 5 days to get hold of him. He told me he didn't feel that way about me anymore. And that, was that. It's been NC for over a month now.
I was devastated; furious....I was in a rage on why he would wait for me to say "yes", just to turn his back and say no. But over a month has passed. When I first wrote my story here, people told me; consider it a blessing. He is not capable of a relationship right now and to let it go. And the truth is..really if I am being honest; I had no business trying to reconcile with this man. The truth is, his chaotic life never really stopped. He was still always broke, the IRS attached his wages, he wasn't paying back his debts, not even token amounts; he too "forgot" to pay his debt consolidation plan..the list goes on and on. He rarely saw his sponsor, he did no steps, he read no AA materials. Except for his AA slogans I didn't "feel" change or insight on his part. I was going to Al-Anon, I was seeing a therapist, yet still I was in denial. I was..in..denial. I wanted him to be what I imagined his old self so bad I chose to pretend a reconciliation would actually work. It could not have worked; yes because of him...but more because I had zero trust in him.
So, yes your story is very familiar. I love the quote from EnglishGarden "And never berate yourself for not seeing it before or even now, because it is a SPELL and is it is a DARK SPELL. In your innocence....because this kind of behavior is unimaginable to you....you could not see it because it was not anything you could recognize or comprehend. "
This is what I tell myself; because sometimes I beat myself up on how this could happen to me! I am not a child, I am a grown woman, yet....this is a common story.
Welcome to SR...keep reading and writing.
Big hugs to you.
I was devastated; furious....I was in a rage on why he would wait for me to say "yes", just to turn his back and say no. But over a month has passed. When I first wrote my story here, people told me; consider it a blessing. He is not capable of a relationship right now and to let it go. And the truth is..really if I am being honest; I had no business trying to reconcile with this man. The truth is, his chaotic life never really stopped. He was still always broke, the IRS attached his wages, he wasn't paying back his debts, not even token amounts; he too "forgot" to pay his debt consolidation plan..the list goes on and on. He rarely saw his sponsor, he did no steps, he read no AA materials. Except for his AA slogans I didn't "feel" change or insight on his part. I was going to Al-Anon, I was seeing a therapist, yet still I was in denial. I was..in..denial. I wanted him to be what I imagined his old self so bad I chose to pretend a reconciliation would actually work. It could not have worked; yes because of him...but more because I had zero trust in him.
So, yes your story is very familiar. I love the quote from EnglishGarden "And never berate yourself for not seeing it before or even now, because it is a SPELL and is it is a DARK SPELL. In your innocence....because this kind of behavior is unimaginable to you....you could not see it because it was not anything you could recognize or comprehend. "
This is what I tell myself; because sometimes I beat myself up on how this could happen to me! I am not a child, I am a grown woman, yet....this is a common story.
Welcome to SR...keep reading and writing.
Big hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by nbay2013 
So, yes your story is very familiar. I love the quote from EnglishGarden "And never berate yourself for not seeing it before or even now, because it is a SPELL and is it is a DARK SPELL. In your innocence....because this kind of behavior is unimaginable to you....you could not see it because it was not anything you could recognize or comprehend. "
This is what I tell myself; because sometimes I beat myself up on how this could happen to me! I am not a child, I am a grown woman, yet....this is a common story.
This is what I tell myself; because sometimes I beat myself up on how this could happen to me! I am not a child, I am a grown woman, yet....this is a common story.
I also have beat myself up over staying too long, letting him treat me that way, etc. I felt totally fooled and like a piece of garbage after he left. Like I wasn't even good enough for him. Remembering how common these situations are, and interacting with others here on SR as helped immensely.
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Thank you all!
Thank you so much for the posts. I really resonate with everything you said, especially about the confusion, unbalance, "fog" and the "dark spell". Your posts are such a comfort to me and I have been reading them every time I have a moment where I miss him and think about the "good" times.
I am just glad that I am not 100% to blame here or crazy. I def. have a role, but he is sick. Often times he would have explanation that could be plausible, but there was always some hole to it. Or he would do just enough that I couldn't question without sounding like a crazy person. I guess my gut was screaming the whole time and I chose to ignore it thinking I was overreacting or being too sensitive, etc. It is really a messed up situation. I can't believe what a hold he and his disease have over me, and I always prided myself as being a strong and independent woman. I still hurt and am confused. I feel like I have been captive and have the "stockholm syndrome" or something.
I wish nothing but happiness and healthy, supportive, loving relationships for all of us here. We deserve only the best. Now it is time to focus on me and my own health, forgive myself (which I am not good at doing) and start trusting my gut.
I am just glad that I am not 100% to blame here or crazy. I def. have a role, but he is sick. Often times he would have explanation that could be plausible, but there was always some hole to it. Or he would do just enough that I couldn't question without sounding like a crazy person. I guess my gut was screaming the whole time and I chose to ignore it thinking I was overreacting or being too sensitive, etc. It is really a messed up situation. I can't believe what a hold he and his disease have over me, and I always prided myself as being a strong and independent woman. I still hurt and am confused. I feel like I have been captive and have the "stockholm syndrome" or something.
I wish nothing but happiness and healthy, supportive, loving relationships for all of us here. We deserve only the best. Now it is time to focus on me and my own health, forgive myself (which I am not good at doing) and start trusting my gut.
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I'm having a rough day today...I haven't heard from the ex in almost 2 weeks (since the break up). I am a little surprised (although maybe I shouldn't be...). How does one go from being in love to throwing another person away so quickly? Was it all a lie? I keep thinking back to our first few months when everything was so amazing. How sensitive he was, how I "wowed" him, how he wanted me to meet his family and friends right away, kissing on the beach, how fun he was, etc. I have been thinking about him doing all those things with someone new (i have no idea if he has already met someone or is dating or what) and it makes me sick thinking about it, especially since I am so miserable. Does he even miss me? or think about me? The way he moved out makes me think that he would rather pretend I never existed... It's a downer day today...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Hi hope,
I am so sorry for your suffering.
My first thought reading your posts is that your X hasn't "thrown" away your relationship, but more likely has re-embraced his first love: alcohol.
Is there any way for you to get out today, walk on the beach, see some friends, go shopping? I know how hard this is. But this man is not capable of a loving partnership, from everything you have written.
Your doubts, regrets and grief will gradually fade, as you begin to re-build yourself. Whatever he is doing/not doing can then become none of your concern.
Take care, honey - keep posting, and reading, and reach out whenever you need to. ((((hugs)))))
Spider
I am so sorry for your suffering.
My first thought reading your posts is that your X hasn't "thrown" away your relationship, but more likely has re-embraced his first love: alcohol.
Is there any way for you to get out today, walk on the beach, see some friends, go shopping? I know how hard this is. But this man is not capable of a loving partnership, from everything you have written.
Your doubts, regrets and grief will gradually fade, as you begin to re-build yourself. Whatever he is doing/not doing can then become none of your concern.
Take care, honey - keep posting, and reading, and reach out whenever you need to. ((((hugs)))))
Spider
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Hope4happiness
Yep this part really sucks. I was in rage mode at two weeks, moving into grief. It's a one day at a time for us also; not just the addicts/alcoholics. I don't think this is supposed to feel good. Our job is to tolerate the feelings the best we can which is why in the beginning distraction is a good tool. I used intense biking and my photography to distract me. I am in month two of NC and it get's better. (I promise you it does) I am wondering less and less "how could he have done this to me" and more about me...right now.
Yep this part really sucks. I was in rage mode at two weeks, moving into grief. It's a one day at a time for us also; not just the addicts/alcoholics. I don't think this is supposed to feel good. Our job is to tolerate the feelings the best we can which is why in the beginning distraction is a good tool. I used intense biking and my photography to distract me. I am in month two of NC and it get's better. (I promise you it does) I am wondering less and less "how could he have done this to me" and more about me...right now.
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Thank you all. I ended up going for a walk and cleaning. Cleaning always makes me feel better - Need to wash that man right out of my house. I feel much better, but have been beating myself up a bit as unloveable. Do they change? I think I was in denial that he was even an alcoholic because he didn't rage, black out, etc. it was so much more passive - lying, hiding, secrets, emotionally detached... and these things got *a little* better when he sobered up, they didn't go away. But I guess an alcoholic can take any form. I understand so little about the disease, although I know so much more than I did 2 weeks ago. I wish I had started studying it more when everything first hit the fan, but I wonder now if I was afraid of what I would learn because I wasn't ready to leave him. I just hate that he can deceive so many people - his sponsor, parents, cousins, brother, friends, a new girl, HIMSELF, etc. while I am sitting over here with a broken heart. It just makes me question everything, including myself.
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Originally Posted by Hope4happiness
Thank you all. I ended up going for a walk and cleaning. Cleaning always makes me feel better - Need to wash that man right out of my house. I feel much better, but have been beating myself up a bit as unloveable. Do they change? I think I was in denial that he was even an alcoholic because he didn't rage, black out, etc. it was so much more passive - lying, hiding, secrets, emotionally detached... and these things got *a little* better when he sobered up, they didn't go away. But I guess an alcoholic can take any form. I understand so little about the disease, although I know so much more than I did 2 weeks ago. I wish I had started studying it more when everything first hit the fan, but I wonder now if I was afraid of what I would learn because I wasn't ready to leave him. I just hate that he can deceive so many people - his sponsor, parents, cousins, brother, friends, a new girl, HIMSELF, etc. while I am sitting over here with a broken heart. It just makes me question everything, including myself.
It's been just over 2 months that my XA went AWOL, and I'm still coming to terms with who he showed me he was this time around. I'm sure you're struggling with this same thing, how our A's seem to have two different identities. One side loving and wanting us in their lives, another that makes us feel despised, and like WE are the ones doing wrong/mistreating them. I can't explain it, but just remember that you aren't alone. And, remember that a person who is truly capable of a loving relationship does NOT act like this. I know you miss the good times, but you deserve those without the mixed-in pain an A brings into your life.
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Originally Posted by trixie56
But then, I pull myself back to reality, which is the fact that nothing I could've possibly done differently would've made my fantasy ending a reality.
My A was sober a year when he went AWOL and his life continued to be chaotic, the lack of insight continued. Alcohol is self medication. The personality and the problems that led to drinking still exist even when you take the booze away. It's the exceptional person who can stick with a real program of sobriety and growth for the long run . Many of those exceptional people are on this forum. I think it's the rare alcoholic that becomes a mature, insightful, caring, adult just because you take the drink away. In the meantime, we have to recover from a bizarre relationship and accept that we will have intense cravings for our A for quite awhile. I am going to have faith it will pass.
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Wow! I'm sorry this has happened to you.
In my opinion, I think you've dodged a great big bullet. I know it hurts tremendously, but if this is who he is, think of what the future could be. Eeesh
He's lied to you, stolen from you, emotionally neglected you and made it your fault, taken advantage of your generous spirit, and dumped you when you needed him(and his distance and neglect probably contributed to your panic attack).
It really doesn't sound like alcoholism is his biggest problem. This guy is just damaged all the way through.
Are you sure you loved him, or who you thought he was? They are often two different people.
And you shouldn't feel badly that you "let him do this to you". Situations like this don't happen over night, they creep up on you a little at a time. You know the saying It's hard to tell the forest for the trees? It's sometime hard to see what's really happening when you're in the thick of it.
I think you can do a whole lot better than this, and you deserve it too! Hope you are feeling better soon.
In my opinion, I think you've dodged a great big bullet. I know it hurts tremendously, but if this is who he is, think of what the future could be. Eeesh
He's lied to you, stolen from you, emotionally neglected you and made it your fault, taken advantage of your generous spirit, and dumped you when you needed him(and his distance and neglect probably contributed to your panic attack).
It really doesn't sound like alcoholism is his biggest problem. This guy is just damaged all the way through.
Are you sure you loved him, or who you thought he was? They are often two different people.
And you shouldn't feel badly that you "let him do this to you". Situations like this don't happen over night, they creep up on you a little at a time. You know the saying It's hard to tell the forest for the trees? It's sometime hard to see what's really happening when you're in the thick of it.
I think you can do a whole lot better than this, and you deserve it too! Hope you are feeling better soon.
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