If you love someone who's trying to get sober...
Been there, done that!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
If you love someone who's trying to get sober...
Iam sitting at home and will be moving out in the next couple of weeks and leaving my fiancé for good as she has had enough of the drunk behaviour over the years. My issue about all this is every time I tried to stop she would continue to drink and ask me to go shop for her etc. I wished she would have stopped aswell just for a few months to help me out but she never did. she says she is not alcoholic so why then did she not support me with a very simple thing if she has no issues with alcohol.. I think she is addicted herself and me stopping would have shone a light onto her. It's easy to stay in denial when your partners drinking is worse than yours.. What do you fine people think??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
I think I completely get your point. My husband will not stop either. I have not nailed him to the wall and fought about it, but I know he will not stop, because I know he is also an alcoholic. I just know. He needs to decide to stop. So, for us, there is no conflict, but we are total enablers of one another. Happy drunks together, until I try to get sober. Ugh. Then it is me just frustrated by his 6-8 beers every weekend night, drinking on vacations as I sit with a book, etc...
It is a fun thing we did together and caused me health problems, not outside problems. So, I need to stop, but wrestle with not really wanting to stop. But I do get your frustration with her not giving it up with you.
In my opinion, a person without a problem would have no trouble seeing clearly that stopping is a support, especially if the partner wants that, or needs that, to get sober.
Example. My child has a deadly peanut allergy. My husband and i have given up eating peanuts and do not have any peanut products in the home to keep her safe and make her comfortable. we do not want her feeling stress or worrying about residue or us cleaning it up, etc... We love her and it was a no-brainer. We are not *addicted* to peanuts.
Alcohol is a mood altering substance and everyone who imbibes does it for the feeling. I think they kid themselves if they deny that. My MIL says she just likes the taste of beer and "you can only drink so much water!" Umm, okay. Tell yourself that. Anyway, I think, if a person has no addiction or dependence, it is not a huge sacrifice to abstain to support a loved one.
I myself have trouble doing that and drank around my BIL right after he was released from a program and he was with us for awhile(doing some work, not rehabilitation here). He said it was fine and encouraged it, but I was wrong to do that. I did it because I have a dependency on alcohol, an unhealthy relationship with it.
It is a fun thing we did together and caused me health problems, not outside problems. So, I need to stop, but wrestle with not really wanting to stop. But I do get your frustration with her not giving it up with you.
In my opinion, a person without a problem would have no trouble seeing clearly that stopping is a support, especially if the partner wants that, or needs that, to get sober.
Example. My child has a deadly peanut allergy. My husband and i have given up eating peanuts and do not have any peanut products in the home to keep her safe and make her comfortable. we do not want her feeling stress or worrying about residue or us cleaning it up, etc... We love her and it was a no-brainer. We are not *addicted* to peanuts.
Alcohol is a mood altering substance and everyone who imbibes does it for the feeling. I think they kid themselves if they deny that. My MIL says she just likes the taste of beer and "you can only drink so much water!" Umm, okay. Tell yourself that. Anyway, I think, if a person has no addiction or dependence, it is not a huge sacrifice to abstain to support a loved one.
I myself have trouble doing that and drank around my BIL right after he was released from a program and he was with us for awhile(doing some work, not rehabilitation here). He said it was fine and encouraged it, but I was wrong to do that. I did it because I have a dependency on alcohol, an unhealthy relationship with it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 303
I don't have a significant other now and when I split from him it was all about his inability to stay away from the booze (or so I thought, my addiction must have been in the mix too but I was just drinking a couple of glasses of wine at night at the time and didn't see that I had a problem). My problem now though is that most (not all) of my friends drink and don't think I have a problem. The last time I was taking the sober road a friend visited and I had told her that I wasn't drinking and she said she would support me but then bought a bottle along and drank it herself.
What this means is that I have to spend time away from someone I love but who will want to go out and eat with wine and go to bars. That's ok, I need some quiet time. But it must be so much harder for everyone who has a significant other who can't support them, and who are probably co-dependent.
What this means is that I have to spend time away from someone I love but who will want to go out and eat with wine and go to bars. That's ok, I need some quiet time. But it must be so much harder for everyone who has a significant other who can't support them, and who are probably co-dependent.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Lionhearted1 
My issue about all this is every time I tried to stop she would continue to drink and ask me to go shop for her etc. I wished she would have stopped aswell just for a few months to help me out but she never did.
You are moving out. Don't get worked up over something that in the long run, doesn't matter.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
When I drink the way I do, it matters little what my SO is up to, even though there are limits.
I started dating my ex-GF at the start of my three-year relapse. We moved in together, along with her toddler son, after six months. She was a bright, caring and sane woman, but there were a couple of things she did that drove me crazy, one of which would likely have been a deal breaker for me had I been sober.
We're both clinical psychologists and, at that time, we both had late patient hours since most of the people we saw were working professionals. At first, I commented on how late she allowed her son to stay up, and she dismissed it as typical behavior for a two-year-old. I'm talking about him being up all hours of the night, and usually after midnight. He threw a tantrum each night at bedtime. He was in our bed more than in his own when he finally did fall asleep. His biological father also made a good living, and her son had a room filled with thousands of dollars worth of toys, including his own TV/DVD player.
After a time, I began to see that her son was master of the house. He decided when he'd go to bed, when and what he'd eat, how long he'd watch TV, and often threw tantrums in public. Yes, I am aware that this is expectable behavior for a toddler, but his behavior was constant. Meaning every day and night. She told me early on that because of her late hours, she felt guilty that she wasn't able to spend more time with her son. She abandoned the sum total of her professional and personal knowledge about raising children. She gave some ground, allowing me to sit with him in his room while he went through his (late) nightly routine of doing things to avoid sleeping. But that was it. Very often she'd just let him stay up until he passed out. Along with everything else, this eroded our relationship.
HOWEVER, it wasn't her or her son's behaviors that destroyed our relationship. I was the problem. Me and my drinking behaviors, and all that comes with being an alcoholic. It wasn't my job to fix them; it was my job to fix me. Even had she been the perfect mother, I would have found a way to make things worse for us. This isn't a theory; it's just the way things are.
I ended up turning a caring and nurturing person into a homicidal maniac. This is what I've done in the few relationships I've had while drinking, whether my partner is an alcoholic or not. It's never a surprise, and it always ends in tears.
I started dating my ex-GF at the start of my three-year relapse. We moved in together, along with her toddler son, after six months. She was a bright, caring and sane woman, but there were a couple of things she did that drove me crazy, one of which would likely have been a deal breaker for me had I been sober.
We're both clinical psychologists and, at that time, we both had late patient hours since most of the people we saw were working professionals. At first, I commented on how late she allowed her son to stay up, and she dismissed it as typical behavior for a two-year-old. I'm talking about him being up all hours of the night, and usually after midnight. He threw a tantrum each night at bedtime. He was in our bed more than in his own when he finally did fall asleep. His biological father also made a good living, and her son had a room filled with thousands of dollars worth of toys, including his own TV/DVD player.
After a time, I began to see that her son was master of the house. He decided when he'd go to bed, when and what he'd eat, how long he'd watch TV, and often threw tantrums in public. Yes, I am aware that this is expectable behavior for a toddler, but his behavior was constant. Meaning every day and night. She told me early on that because of her late hours, she felt guilty that she wasn't able to spend more time with her son. She abandoned the sum total of her professional and personal knowledge about raising children. She gave some ground, allowing me to sit with him in his room while he went through his (late) nightly routine of doing things to avoid sleeping. But that was it. Very often she'd just let him stay up until he passed out. Along with everything else, this eroded our relationship.
HOWEVER, it wasn't her or her son's behaviors that destroyed our relationship. I was the problem. Me and my drinking behaviors, and all that comes with being an alcoholic. It wasn't my job to fix them; it was my job to fix me. Even had she been the perfect mother, I would have found a way to make things worse for us. This isn't a theory; it's just the way things are.
I ended up turning a caring and nurturing person into a homicidal maniac. This is what I've done in the few relationships I've had while drinking, whether my partner is an alcoholic or not. It's never a surprise, and it always ends in tears.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I tend to agree with Carl. It's not her fault that you're drinking. It would be nice if she didn't drink around you, but it's not her fault that she does. She may have a drinking or not, but my suggestion is to focus on yourself and your recovery and the rest will take care of itself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
How long have you been sober? Try not to make knee jerk decisions if your new at this...in my short 9 days I am trying not to project on my wife for her issues and use that same energy to focus on my own shortcomings. If you think you can focus on yourself and get healthy for a while 3, 6, 12 months maybe you will not regret moving on. Tough to provide advice without knowing your situation but your comments sound a bit angry and impetuous. I only say this bc its exactly how I would react and know its wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 42
Denial is a terrible beast. I'm sorry for your loss. I had to recently leave my bf of 10 months as we are both alcoholics and all we did was drink together. He wasn't ready to quit until I left him and then he would do anything, but for me anyhow I have to get sober and healthy for myself. I can't do it for anyone else nor can he. We have to do it for us. If she does have a drinking problem you getting help may be a good motivator for her.
It is a hard thing to leave a relationship that we may feel comfortable in even if unhealthy. It was for me anyways but it gets easier. I hope you can find peace within and how knows what your future holds. Maybe she will one day be a part of it.
Peace!
Melbell
It is a hard thing to leave a relationship that we may feel comfortable in even if unhealthy. It was for me anyways but it gets easier. I hope you can find peace within and how knows what your future holds. Maybe she will one day be a part of it.
Peace!
Melbell
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I look on this slightly differently. I have a problem. My husband doesn't. I don't expect life to revolve around me and I didn't expect my husband to quit drinking just because I did. I think it's unfair to assume all partners who don't quit themselves have a problem ( I'm not saying your gf doesn't have a probem) just speaking generally.
It's easy to blame others for our inabilities to stop drinking. Maybe just concentrate on you and focus your energies on you
It's easy to blame others for our inabilities to stop drinking. Maybe just concentrate on you and focus your energies on you
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