Being supportive and enabling

Old 09-04-2013, 11:44 AM
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Being supportive and enabling

Where does the line cross? At what point do you go from being supportive to enabling?

I'll post my story here shortly in the newcomers section but it's picking at my brain right now.

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Old 09-04-2013, 11:55 AM
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I heard someone here saying supporting is "being" and enabling is "doing". That helps me figure it out.
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:12 PM
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Hi, Noraa. Welcome to SR. I don't have anything wise to say myself regarding your question but I'm sure there are many others here who can help you figure it out.

In the meantime, maybe you'd like to read this thread to see if any of it is useful for you? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-enabling.html

Hope you find support and learn a lot while here--and you can go ahead and post your story here, too; it doesn't have to go in the newcomer's forum, especially if you plan to mostly be active here in Friends and Family.
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:13 PM
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Here's a link to my post that basically sums up my story...

-EDIT-
Can't post links yet. So here's my post in a quote...

Well here goes nothing....this is the closest I can get to support at the moment between life and work.

A little about me in a nutshell....

I'm 22 years old and the middle child. I have two younger brothers and one older sister. None of us share the same dads(except for one of my younger brothers but we have different moms). The only history of abuse I have in my past is a sexual assault I experienced after being encouraged to drink quite a bit and then take an Ambien sleeping pill. My biological father died last year from a heart attack and my mother is one of my best friends.

Last February (2012), I was at a house party with some friends and saw someone that caught my eye. I'm pretty shy so that fact that I pursued this guy, says something about him. We started "officially" dating on St Patricks Day in 2012. Two months later he ended up moving in with me in a sense just because it was more pratical. (closer to work etc) When I "fell for him" he had no money, job, or a car, and lived at home with his mother. Naturally I'm a caring person at heart, people joke that I'm a mother hen and I totally agree with this.

The first couple of times we spent the night together after an evening of drinking I would wake up in a wet bed. For months I believed him when he told me that he brought a beer to bed and fell asleep so it spilled. After a bit I realized he was WETTING the bed. He has narcelepsy(sp?) so if he goes to bed with a bladder full of beer...his body wont tell him to wake up and go to the bathroom. I've had my passenger seat, two couches, two chairs, and one bed ruined because of this. Another problem he has with drinking is financially. He doesnt know when to stop buying it let alone stop drinking it! And finally, his last problem, which I feel like I saved it for last because I'm partially in denial....Temper. He would start fights over the stupidest things and just SCREAM in my face using every other word with a swear word. He accused me of having sexual relations with all of my guy friends even though he was informed in the beginning of our relationship that I have more guy friends than girl friends.

Fast forward a bit. Last December I finally had enough. He had gotten a job but I was still paying for a majority of his crap. I had enough. I broke it off with him and he got very drunk and screamed at me for about 15 minutes before I had my other roommate drive him to a friends. The next day I loaded up his car with all of his stuff and left it at the truck stop. I changed my number, blocked him on facebook, everything. Jan 9th he got a DUI. About 20 days later he walked into my house(let himself in) after the bars closed wanting to talk to me. This freaked me out and I filed for an order of protection. He constantly kept contacting me and in April I told him we could try again if he got sober...because I did love him. He did and from May 4th until July 4th he was completely SOBER. Life was great. He went camping with friends that I met up with the next day. It was about 7pm when I showed up to the campground and he was in the tent sprawled out in a puddle of his own urine. Even though I told him I would leave him if he drank again I didnt that time.

Fast forward to August. Came home from a friends late and the only way I knew he was drunk was because I woke up, IN OUR NEW BED, and his urine had soaked through the $60 mattress protector. This was a Wednesday. The very next SATURDAY, he went to a friends post wedding celebration BBQ deal. I stayed home because he said it was going to be mostly men. He came home drunk that night. He tried SO hard to prove he was sober, but I knew. He slept on the couch that I had just spent 1 hour vacuuming and cleaning that day. Surprise, surprise....the next day it was soaked with urine.

The main thing that has prompted me joining here though was what just happened 3 days ago. We went to a Labor Day bonfire down the street. I was mingling with friends I hadnt seen for months (I gave up drinking when he did although I never had a problem but then I never saw friends because I never went to parties). At one point he got extremely jealous and said he was leaving. I found him in the garage pouting to our other roommates. When I walked in they left the two of us alone and thats when the devil came out. He was completely intoxicated and started screaming at me how I was ignoring him and flirting with every other guy here. As I tried to reassure him I was just catching up with friends he kept screaming. Judging by his body language I could tell there were so many times he wanted to hit me but he didnt. He accused me of cheating on him and said that the past couple weeks I've "changed". Keep in mind, the last couple of weeks was when he fell off the train all those times. When I tried to walk away from him and go back to the bonfire he threw his beer bottle and it shattered on the ground. He picked me up off the ground by wrapping his arms around me and literally lifting and dragging me. I of course screamed and my friends that I appreciate so much came running. Long story short I just have a bruise on my elbow from what I think is his thumb. He didnt end up leaving the party so I left and stayed at my mom's Sunday night and Monday night. While I was gone he kept texting me telling me how pathetic I was for not talking to him face to face and how everyone was right about me because I'm so selfish all I care about is myself. He knows thats the one thing that gets to me because I help others out so much, I end up getting screwed over all the time.

I came home yesterday after work. He brought home flowers. Yes we live together. We havent really discussed anything today. I'm just at a lost for words and I have no idea what to do anymore.
I ask because my AB has been always telling me all he needs is my support, that I need to be there for him. But sometimes it seems like he's asking me to do stuff. For example, I need to be the one to tell our roommates we cant have alcohol in the house because he cant handle being even around it....yet he's perfectly fine going to the bar on Wednesday nights to play in the beer pong tournament, or horseshoes on Saturday mornings AT the bar where all the other players are getting smashed as they play.
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:13 PM
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It's not definitive, but I will often start by asking myself, "Am I doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves?" If the answer yes, I then ask, "Am I doing it because I am trying to protect that person from the consequences of their own actions (or inactions)?" If it's yes again? I'm probably enabling.
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:19 PM
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I'm a very independent person so after he put his hands on me I really want to end it for good....

Reasons that make it difficult:

1. He lives with me.

2. I'm afraid he'll hurt himself if I leave him. (He attempted suicide by ODing in 2011 because of something his baby momma did/said)

3. I'm stupid and within the two months he was sober I cosigned for his car.

4. His car is on my insurance policy.

I'll actually make it a little easier on everyone and on my memory(its horrible) and copy and paste the email I sent to my mum yesterday at work....

I don’t think I can fix this.

I’m only trying to think of ways to fix this because I’m mainly concerned about him hurting himself if I leave him. It doesn’t help that I was an idiot and co signed for his car.

He’s the textbook definition of an alcoholic/abuser.

Things get better for a bit than go back to normal. I have like zero self esteem. Yeah he tells me I’m beautiful everyday but I just feel numb inside. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month. Yesterday when he was texting me I was a “coward, pathetic, selfish” at one point I wasn’t “worth his time” and he hated me. I’m “incapable of working things out because all I care about is myself”. He still hasn’t apologized for Sunday night. Although he has repeated over and over that I overreacted and he never put his hands on me in any matter that would be considered wrong.

I don’t feel connected to him at all. Not physically, mentally, emotionally, or anything. Since I left the house Sunday night I’ve actually felt like I can breath. I care about his safety and his wellbeing, that’s it. I don’t want to be the girl that was the reason he OD’d. But I also don’t want to be the girl that ends up in the hospital because of his anger. Theres no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I’m completely sure of it. Thing is, he loves me too much. So much that I don’t think he’ll let me go.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:19 PM
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You said, "Thing is, he loves me too much. So much that I don’t think he’ll let me go."

I'm not sure what that is, but it isn't love.

Do you really want to stay with someone like this? Seems like something worse is likely to happen if you stay.

The enabling question is secondary to your personal safety. Perhaps a call to a domestic violence hotline would be a good idea.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:25 PM
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I think you already see the handwriting on the wall, honestly. You sound very smart & aware.

I'm never "that" poster here on the board, but today I will be:

Run. Run far & wide & get out of this relationship at your very first opportunity. Leave before you are tempted to consider having children with someone like this. It will not be easy, and it will get harder as time goes on.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and what you are seeing right now is the VERY BEST it will EVER BE until or unless he chooses to get sober for himself. Not for you, not because he's forced to, not for any reason except that he is ready & willing to take the steps to lead a sober life.

Judging from your description, I would guess he's miles from making this leap of faith, but that doesn't mean that you have to be dragged down with him until (or if ever) he does.

I know that's not what you are here asking in your title and I'm sorry if it comes off harsh... it is literally my first reaction to reading your post.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I think you already see the handwriting on the wall, honestly. You sound very smart & aware.

I'm never "that" poster here on the board, but today I will be:

Run. Run far & wide & get out of this relationship at your very first opportunity. Leave before you are tempted to consider having children with someone like this. It will not be easy, and it will get harder as time goes on.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and what you are seeing right now is the VERY BEST it will EVER BE until or unless he chooses to get sober for himself. Not for you, not because he's forced to, not for any reason except that he is ready & willing to take the steps to lead a sober life.

Judging from your description, I would guess he's miles from making this leap of faith, but that doesn't mean that you have to be dragged down with him until (or if ever) he does.

I know that's not what you are here asking in your title and I'm sorry if it comes off harsh... it is literally my first reaction to reading your post.
I wanted replies to my other ones too, figured that would save me the trouble of having multiple topics in one.

I'm very aware of what I have gotten myself into. I know its not a good situation. I'm also one of those people that will try everything and exhaust all of my resources so I can say that I DID try. I've told him that he needs to go to AA weekly and if he wants to be with me he cant be having even 1 beer. I also told him he needs to be doing all of this for HIM not for me. I did find out that my work has EAP and I'm thinking about going to a counselor to talk about this.

It honestly doesnt help that I am bipolar. It's not a serious problem but I just flip flop between beind blind to the facts and loving him to realizing the bigger problem and having no feelings what so ever for him.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Danae View Post
You said, "Thing is, he loves me too much. So much that I don’t think he’ll let me go."

I'm not sure what that is, but it isn't love.

Do you really want to stay with someone like this? Seems like something worse is likely to happen if you stay.

The enabling question is secondary to your personal safety. Perhaps a call to a domestic violence hotline would be a good idea.
I live with four guys that would have my back quicker than white on rice(maybe not the best comparison ha) but I think you get my point. And if it wasnt for the fact that the first and ONLY time he's put his hands on me was with his arms wrapped around mine....I assure you I would have fought back. I'm a very nice and caring person, but even nice people have their limits. Plus I've always been the one to tell my friends to walk away if their man ever hit them so I refuse to be a hypocrite.

I do appreciate your concern though and I have taken all aspects of that portion of the situation....into consideration.
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:44 PM
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I feel so sad reading your story.

I hope you are feeling a bit better and I would seriously encourage you to seek out a local F2F Al Anon meeting and start attending ASAP.

It may help you hugely to ignore his behaviour as best you can and seek some help for yourself.

I know the desperation and despair you are probably feeling in your situation and help is available for you.
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Old 09-05-2013, 06:15 AM
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He kept wondering last night why I wouldn't say I love you back or kiss him. I told him I didnt want anything coming out of my mout that I wasnt 100% sure about and told him how I'm not happy anymore. When he tried to ask what he could do to make me happy I told him I dont think he can. I ment that its the part of me that I'm responsible for making happy...but he started crying anyway.

CRYING GETS ME. Really bad. I told him how I'll try to, and how I'll go to an Al-Anon meeting, but that it's not going to be able to bounce back to normal like a rubberband. I explained to him that I don't feel safe with him right now and to a point, he almost scares me. He kept saying over and over that he'll change, he'll do whatever he needs to do to keep me in his life...

I told him I don't want him to change for me, he needs to decide to change for himself. He took yesterday and Tuesday off work to "think" so next paycheck is going to be fun when he is missing those hours plus Monday for Labor Day.

He keeps saying I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and I fully believe that because his life was so ****** before I met him. After I told him how he hadnt apologized for putting his hands on me he did. He said thats what the flowers were for. Well I love daisies but that doesnt fix anything. He said he is willing to go to AA.

Sigh.....Ugh why must life be so difficult.
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Old 09-08-2013, 11:06 PM
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Hi

I read your story and can relate from many relationships in my life.

I think what I saw to be trouble is you telling him what he can and can't do. "You can't drink even 1 beer" "you have to go to AA".

No. He can do whatever the heck he wants.

I think you should take back control (instead of trying to control him) and say, "I won't live like this. I won't tolerate your drinking. If I don't see active recovery, I am done." Or just leave. I mean...words are cheap most of the times with addicts.
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Old 09-08-2013, 11:09 PM
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Your last post shows me clear signs of the cycle of abuse.

To me, in my opinion, there's no more thinking. Just go.
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Old 09-09-2013, 12:05 AM
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I had a bf once who threatened to hurt himself any time I thought about leaving. So, I stayed. Five long, grueling years of emotional abuse before he finally laid his hands on me. I left. He's alive and well with a wife and kids. Threatening self-harm contingent on YOUR actions is manipulation and abuse, but it is not love. If you think he's serious, then call 911 and have them do a care call to him. Dollars to donuts that if he is not truly suicidal, that he will blame you for HIS actions following it because you called. Guar-un-tee it. If he is really, honestly that mentally ill, then he needs more help than just AA. Sweetheart, you cannot save him. Period. Nothing you do will make him stop drinking. If you feel you need to "try everything," I can tell you it's going to be a waste of time, because nothing YOU do will ever bring him to sobriety. Nothing.
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