Wisconsin

I have heard this many times here, and in the rooms of Al Anon. It has always spoken to me, and I have turned to it more and more as I have grown in my recovery and refused to engage in the ridiculousness that I used to take sick pleasure in. I can now say "no" and not follow up with a long explanation of WHY I am saying no. That's something I couldn't even imagine was possible three years ago.

But in recent weeks, I have come to appreciate the statement that "No is a complete sentence" from another perspective. I have spent the three years since the beginning of my AH's relapse absolutely begging and pleading for attention. For affection. For time together. Over the years, sometimes he has actually said "no" to my requests, but usually it is his behavior that communicates his answer. In recent months, as I have detached more and more from him and begun building my own life, the few attempts I have made to reconnect with him have been met with a very clear spoken "no." With no explanation or justification. Folks, that absolutely confounded me for several weeks. HOW could this alcoholic think it is even remotely acceptable to repeatedly refuse to engage with his wife at all, without explaining WHY?!? Then, the last time I heard that "no" in response to a request, I finally got it.

No is a complete sentence. My AH has communicated his priorities to me, loud and clear, for a long time. He does not owe me a justification, even if he were sane and capable enough to provide one. I wasted a lot of time ignoring the obvious and continuing to push for things that he just won't or can't provide. For a long time, I thought it was OK, because my pushing wasn't about his drinking or sobriety. I detached from the drinking, and from the active emotional abuse, but this last thing...this utter refusal to have any closeness with me at all...I could not detach from it. Now I know...his "no" is a complete sentence, and that's all I need. It speaks for itself, and I am that many more steps down the path toward recovery from the codependency that I have allowed to rule so many of my relationships.

honeypig

Reading that was the equivalent of when you're at a meeting and nothing seems to really be going too far below the surface, and then suddenly WHAM! Someone says something really really important and you just have to kind of chew it over for the next few days...

Wisconsin, thanks for sharing. Was just reading another thread where it was mentioned that if one is working one's recovery right, it will not always be easy or comfortable, but it will be worth it.

You are living proof of that.

Thanks again.

MsPINKAcres

Wow - what great awareness!

Seems like your recovery is taking you on a great journey -

H O W - honest open and willing ~ is a great way to learn so much of what we need for our own recovery ~ it has truly helped me in my own growth.

Keep taking such great care of you! Remember you deserve the very best and walking this path will help you be the very best YOU - that you can be ~ regardless of what anyone else may do!


pink hugs!

FireSprite

I always think of "No as a complete sentence" in terms of my answer to others, hadn't really considered it when the roles are flipped.

I had to come back & thank you again for sharing this perspective with us today; it really made me stop & think!

LifeRecovery

I kept thinking as I read this, what a great gift your hubby is giving you.

No is a complete sentance, but without all the other "words" to wade through, you get to decide what you think of it, and YOUR feelings reactions etc around it.

In other words you get to sit with the feelings that come up.

lizw

I have to say u sound like an awesome woman! That is such a cool post!
U know my sponsor is huge on not accepting the 'victim' role and which as an al anoner can be something I set myself up for again and again. Thankfully less often these days.
Ur an inspiration, truly. X

Wisconsin

Thanks for the great feedback and encouragement, everyone! It has definitely been an important shift for me, to stop feeling entitled to an explanation (especially from someone who is so mentally and physically sick). The irony is that I work very hard to impress upon my daughters (and my son, when he is old enough) that while there is SOME value in understanding why someone does something, it's really not something anybody should waste a lot of emotional time and energy on, because most of the time the WHY doesn't matter anyway. If someone kicks your dog a hundred times, it doesn't really matter WHY they are doing it, does it? Even if the "explanation" is "I have restless leg syndrome," you're still going to do what you need to do to protect your dog from getting kicked again, because the behavior is abusive/hurtful/wrong. I'm not saying my AH is "wrong" for not wanting to have a connection with me. It's not right OR wrong. It just is. It doesn't mean I'm not WORTHY of it, or I have done something to cause the situation. It's just how it is, and if that's where he's at in his life and priorities, so be it. I mean, of course it causes me pain because I want something and I'm not getting it, but accepting the situation as it is SHOULD make it easier for me to confront and work through the pain, and ultimately move past it.

Can y'all tell that I used to be the QUEEN of taking things personally, and contorting every single negative situation so that it became all about how I was being wronged, or insulted, or hurt? LOL I don't mean to minimize the horrible things I've gone through and the pain I've felt. But I really do feel like I'm on the cusp of breaking through all the self pity and pain, and just moving on with my dang life.

Skymitchg

Hmm Definately something to think about. No is a complete sentence. Ive only gone to two meetings so I haven't heard that. Also need to ponder what was said about being a victim and taking everything personally. Thank you for the posts

Ipanema

I loved the part where you said you were beginning to build your own life. That's a very powerful sentence. It must have been so frustrating to have to try to pry out of someone you have spent so much time with the reason he is saying no. This happened to me as well. I just can't handle that type of person. I think there is a part of cruelty involved in that type of response.

I decided to want someone who would treat me how I wanted to be treated. Making that decision took some professional help and work because that's what I knew as a child. The man has the final say and don't question him. No is No. I learned I had the power to leave without guilt or looking back. I learned I deserved a relationship with a balance of Power. He certainly appreciated my powerful paycheck, ha! And he decided how I would spend it.

You have taken back your power, done everything you can, and made a great decision for yourself. So great to hear your story and much luck to you...the new story is just beginning. I look it as akin to wearing a bad pair of shoes, trying to make them work with some stretching and other means available, then finally giving up, knowing those shoes were never going to fit like they used to. There were some nicer shoes around the corner. I had to put myself in places where the shoes were. And I did. It was exciting to see what would be attractive to me and I kept enjoying my life while being aware that new prospect would be there. I started square dancing, line dancing, going to all sorts of lectures, classes, etc. I made more lady friends. I went back to school.

There in the classroom of Accounting 2 sat my "soulmate until further notice". A few years were really good, then new info came to light and knew it wouldn't work. Who knows for me if there will be a next relationship that may look good at the time and who knows how that story will end. God has his plan and I trust that. That's all I need. Much luck to you.